Rebellion

There’s two reasons why Sirus might bother me at work. One, it’s an emergency. It’s almost never an emergency. Two, he’s bored and horny. It is always the second one.

There are some days where I can handle it and other days I just can’t.

I’ve been stressed out too so I can’t pretend this isn’t helping me. Sirus is actually good at getting my mind off things that really shouldn’t matter.

So when I have the chance to sneak off and do something different for maybe half an hour, then of course I’m gonna take that chance.

We hid off in a room that was empty. The lights stayed off and the doors were locked. My hands stayed clenched against the wall; Sirus had his arms tight around me and his hand over my mouth to keep me quiet. Apparently I was having a bit of an issue. It was rough enough already and he expects me to just be silent.

He messed up my hair and my clothes. He’s holding me so tight that I’m going to get bruises.

It was hard to keep focus.

My fingers were beginning to scratch the wall. My eyes shut tight and I breathed deeply through my nose. By accident, I bit Sirus’ finger but I kept biting on purpose. If he won’t let go then neither will I.

He breathed in my ear and I heard his low grunts and moans as he moved roughly against me.

It just felt too hot, like I would drown in heat. If I had taken my shirt off, then I wouldn’t be suffering. The heat on my face wasn’t making me feel any better; I knew for a fact that I was bright red but that’s not the only thing I’m thinking about. My legs were weak, my fingers hurt, I feel like I’m going to melt. This is all while Sirus is having his fun with me.

And he tried so hard to keep me quiet because he definitely knew how much I had to do something. He doesn’t get to push me against the wall and do this to me and expect me to keep quiet the entire time does he? His hand didn’t move from over my mouth, and my teeth continued to bite his skin, just a little distraction to keep me from screaming out.

Today was the only day I could tolerate it.

I was just waiting for that one moment when I’d be able to cum and go back to work. I know Sirus loves taking his time with me, which isn’t out of the ordinary. I don’t like playing around but he does. I wanted him to stop messing with me but my mouth was covered; my hands hit the wall to show my irritation and I know he knew that I was losing my patience just by the way he laughed in my ear.

It’s so easy for him to get away with whatever he wants.

His fingers slipped in my mouth, pressing down on my tongue to get me to open up wider. My lips wrapped around his skin before feeling his fingers move around in my mouth. He didn’t keep his fingers in my mouth for long; when he pulled them out, he just touched me lower, his fingers wrapping around my cock and stroking me just as roughly.

My hands stayed pressed against the wall as I tried to hold myself up. Sirus leaned more of his weight on me, making it harder to keep my knees from buckling and giving out. I closed my eyes tight when I was close; Sirus covered my mouth again before I could do it myself. My hand was on his anyway, just hoping that I could keep my voice down.

For a second, all I could think about was how hot it was, how easy it was for me to succumb. I did my best to keep quiet as I came; Sirus’ hand only pressed harder when my moans got a little louder.

It wasn’t long after that I felt him cumming inside me. His hand gripped my hip to keep me from shifting away when I tensed up. His other hand stayed over my mouth to keep me from crying out, but my small whimpers could be heard. He bit my ear like he used to, pain surging through my body just because of one part of me being pierced. My shoulders and arms tensed up, my fingers balling up against the wall. He didn’t let go of me until he finished so I had to endure his tight hold.

My breathing came out hard through my nose, it was hard to catch my breath with my mouth covered so tightly. When I opened my eyes, I immediately saw the random white spots and stars.

Sirus finally let go of my mouth, that hand moving to my hip too as he began slowly grinding on me. I would prefer if he wouldn’t continue to touch me. At the moment, I couldn’t move much. I just really wanted to breathe. But the more he moved, the more uncomfortable I got.

“Sirus...” I said, annoyed with him already. “Let go.”

“I will.” He didn’t stop his slow thrusts into me.

I leaned my head back on his shoulder, breathing out heavily as I tried to suppress the urge that made me want to ask him to keep going. I had to bite my lip just because the question was on the tip of my tongue. It’s just harder for me to keep to myself when I felt his lips on my neck, kissing me roughly and biting my skin.

I had to complain or he’ll never get off me. And as much as I didn’t want to do work because he was here, I can’t just stop everything.

“You need to let go of me, Sirus.” I tried again, this time he listened.

His hands pressed against the wall to keep me cornered but he moved his hips back to pull out. His lips pressed on the nape of my neck before trying to move somewhere else.

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” I asked.

“Think I want to be there?”

I should’ve known.

I sighed quietly but didn’t force him away as he kissed my skin. I wasn’t worried about this part, this part was the only slow thing that’s happened since he’s got here. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to settle how I was feeling.

Finally I had the strength to make him back away from me so I could fix my uniform; I pulled my black pants up and tucked in my white shirt. Already I knew I was going to be uncomfortable for the rest of the day because of Sirus and that’s not good.

I moved away to find my headband on the floor as he fixed his own clothes. I needed my headband to keep my hair out of my face. Sirus happened to so rudely take it off my head just so he could see me with my hair down. I was careful because he might do it again.

“As fun as that was,” I was being sarcastic, “you have to leave.” I said.

“I mean...I don’t.” He shrugged.

“You have one more probation until your termination and I know Janus doesn’t like you so you should go.”

Sirus rolled his eyes and turned around to leave the room. I shouldn’t have to make him do the job he requested as first choice. He should have motivation to do it. I tagged along behind him, planning to complain about it but I kept it to myself.

“Coming back today?” He asked, wondering if I was planning to go home with him. Again.

“Why?”

“Because I miss you.” He said mockingly. I glanced to the side, not even slightly amused with his tone. “But seriously, I’m bored.”

“Don’t I bore you?” I looked up at him.

“Not really.” He answered plainly. “You talk a lot and it’s not like I listen but it’s still good company.” He shrugged.

I stopped walking and he turned to face me, confused on why I suddenly stopped. Sirus just called me good company. He has never said that to me at all. I’ve known him for five years, but now I’m suddenly good company.

“That’s cute. Are you warming up to me?” I asked in the same tone he does when he wants to piss me off.

“I bet you think you’re funny.” He didn’t laugh.

I did though.

I walked by him and let my hand trace up his arm, tugging on the thin black sleeve of his shirt. I’m not much for flirting so I wasn’t going to try to, however almost anything I do seems to turn Sirus on. It will be my fault if he drags me back into that room. I didn’t respond to his statement as I turned away.

Before I could take another step, I felt a tight grasp on my ass. I just stopped walking, controlling whatever reaction that was about to surface. Sirus always grabs me roughly and in not a nice way either.

“You won’t be able to hide from me today.” He said in my ear. “Don’t make me come get you later.”

“Sexual harassment, Sirus.” I warned him.

He took his hand off me without another word. That’s just my threat to get him to leave me alone. He can’t take another probation, he’ll just get fired. It’s not like I would report him, but he listens when I say it. I planned to heed his warning.

He won’t have to come find me today.

I know where to be.

He didn’t say anything as he walked away, but by the last glimpse of his face, I could tell that he didn’t care. If I had a serious problem, I can just take it up with Human Resources. That’s what he’d say. I rolled my eyes and walked the other way so I could do my job.

For the day I was going to have to pretend that my cheeks didn’t hurt or that I didn’t have a pain in my hip.

Haroldo and Libra were coming towards me, and I had no warning that they were coming here. I stopped walking and looked around to make sure they were coming towards me. It would’ve been great to know they were here for me since they technically are my boss now. I didn’t say anything when they stopped walking in front of me.

“It’s been a while.” Libra said, folding her hands in front of her. I raised an eyebrow when I detected a bit of hostility.

“You put on a little weight there.” Haroldo poked my stomach. I smacked his hand away from me without a second thought.

Libra poked my hip after a few seconds of silence, and that didn’t make it any better. This is why I don’t want to wear tight clothes.

I didn’t put on a lot of weight. Maybe just a few pounds in places that matter, but it’s not that big a deal. Not being stressed constantly makes it easier to eat more. And I’m fine with how I look anyway. Them pointing that out to me doesn’t change anything. I hope Libra doesn’t poke my hip again.

Apparently she settled on something else. She looked up to my hair and I just knew she was going to point something out.

“Your hair got longer.” Libra touched my headband that kept my bangs back from my face. I have to keep smacking them both cause all they do is touch me.

Constantly.

Haroldo tried to twirl a strand of my hair and I just grabbed his wrist to stop him.

“What do you two want?” I asked as I moved his hand away from me.

“Well, we came here to beg and plead for you to come back and save us from the tyranny we like to call Commander Janus.” Haroldo explained.

“We gave him a year but that’s it. You have to come back.” Libra said quickly.

“You do know I’m not being controlled by the Department of Health or Human Resources right?” I pointed out to them. “Plus I’m sure a war isn’t going on-”

“It would’ve happened whether you were Commander or not.” Haroldo said.

“And you deserve a lot more credit than you give yourself.” Libra said. “I mean, did you see what you did? That was wild.” She got excited.

I just sighed.

“Listen-”

“Think about it?” Libra asked.

I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to go back. In just the past two days, I’ve had people coming to me for all kinds of things and I don’t want the stress. It has been peaceful for a year, I don’t want that to change now. I finally got myself together enough to not panic and get anxious or scared. This can’t change because a few people I know are having issues.

“No.”

“Aurora-”

“I’m sorry but I can’t.” I was serious with them. “I’m sure Janus isn’t that terrible.”

Libra took my hand and pulled me off to the side, Haroldo following on the other side of me. They rushed off somewhere no one would find us and they didn’t care where. I know they don’t care that I’ve said no multiple times. I was pulled down the hall, into a corner, and the other two stood in front of me with their arms crossed.

“He gives off a sketchy vibe.”

Oh.

How many people are going to keep telling me that?

“And at first, we didn’t notice. But now it’s alarming and we can’t just say anything because he hasn’t done anything wrong, or we haven’t caught him doing anything wrong...” Libra rambled on.

“Libra-”

She stopped and looked down, holding her hands tightly together in front of her. She talks a lot when she’s nervous.

I don’t want them to be miserable because I know what that’s like. And I would come back as Commander if I thought I could handle it but I can’t. I’m not going to be the reason another war starts. I can’t go back to constantly feeling extreme stress. Right now, I can handle everything and I want to keep it that way.

“Okay, well, we didn’t only come here to beg for you to come back.” Haroldo said and glanced at Libra.

“You haven’t noticed anything...weird...have you?” Libra asked.

“Define weird.”

They looked around and leaned in closer like they were about to tell me some wild secret.

“We’ve encountered some people with their phones and tablets malfunctioning.” Haroldo said quietly. My eyes widened.

I knew it wasn’t just me!

“We haven’t said anything to Janus yet. We were hoping you... might...know how to deal with this.”

They paused, not wanting to look me in the eyes since I’ve been saying no to them a lot.

And I do know how to deal with this.

“Well... I sort of modified my tablet months ago so I could have control over what anyone sees.” I said slowly. “And when I did that, I unknowingly added a feature that could reset other devices so I’ve helped two people with their issues.”

This is actually extremely illegal.

“Modify ours-”

“It took me three months to do mine, I don’t think-”

“We don’t care.” Haroldo said. “It’s not like Janus was going to help anyway.” He shrugged.

“Really?”

“Well, we haven’t brought up the situation to him, but we know he’d say something like ‘they brought it on themselves’ or ‘they probably did something to deserve it’.” Libra mocked and I had to admit that she was spot on with that.

“I’ll see what I can do to help, but no promises okay.” I told them.

Everyone has been coming to me for help lately, whether it’s to complain to me or ask me to come back as Head of Defense. I don’t think I can keep going with this. Being relied on this heavily just reminds me of how my anxiety got worse in the first place.

I’d suffer again if I put myself under the stress.

I’ve been someone people could rely on for a while but I need a break. I should be focusing on myself. I don’t need to take on everyone else’s problems.

Yet it felt wrong to abandon everyone that’s asked me for help.

I have to do something.

The entire day I was forced to think of a solution. For now, it doesn’t seem like the problem can be contained. It’s like more and more people are having issues. If there was a faster way to give Libra and Haroldo what they need to help anyone stranded, I would definitely go for it.

What happens if I can’t do anything?

This was the only thing I could think about. By the end of the day, I was at a loss about what I should do. There’s just one of me right now, and it’s not like I have the necessary things to actually solve the problem. I want to help Libra and Haroldo so I guess that means I should really get to work.

“Hey.” Sirus came barging in to his room. I didn’t look up when he came in, I was too focused on fixing my tablet so I could modify Haroldo’s and Libra’s. “I heard from Libra you’re doing her a favor.”

“She’s talking to you again?” I asked.

“Why...wouldn’t she?”

“Because you made her cry that one time she politely asked you to do your job.” I answered plainly.

Every time Sirus misbehaves, I have to hear about it. I don’t know why everyone comes to me though, I am not responsible for him.

“Don’t change the subject.” He walked around and got in bed next to me. “I want something to do.”

“Your job?”

“That’s boring.”

“Well if you let me, I can give you something to do.” I suggested. Sirus doesn’t like me touching his stuff, I’ve had my fair share of issues too when I actually did touch his stuff.

There was one day I reset his tablet out of spite and he almost killed me. Ever since then, I haven’t touched anything he owns unless I’m sure he won’t put his hands on me.

“Is this treason?”

“Probably.” I said.

And for some reason I didn’t care.

“You’re okay with that?” Sirus asked. Well, isn’t he a bit chatty this evening. That just means nothing is bothering him right now.

“Do you want to help or not?” I asked.

“I would actually prefer if you really did stay out of the situation.” He offered his thought on it.

I know he wants me to stay out of trouble and to mind my own business. When I don’t do anything spontaneous, he doesn’t have to worry about something happening to me. I don’t force him to watch over me but at this point since we’ve been together for so long, he physically can’t ignore me when I’m doing something incredibly out of my way.

I didn’t say anything to his comment. Unfortunately, I’ve decided to do something and Sirus tends to tag along anyway.

Chances are he will do as I say.

He just watched me mess around with my tablet. I held my hand out so he could get me his cause I was going to need that from him since he plans to help. He sighed and got up to give it to me.

“You always have to find a clever way to do anything.”

“I’m actually appreciative that you think I’m clever.” I said only to irritate him. It didn’t work.

“When will you stop?” He asked as he got in bed again, this time trying to get my attention by laying on my lap and moving my hands so I couldn’t work on my tablet.

“I’m sorry this makes you uncomfortable, Sirus. I just don’t have the heart to not help.” I told him.

I really was sorry that he didn’t like my involvement. If I could physically stop myself from caring as much as I did a year ago, I would. But I’ve met Magnolia and a few of the people she knows and I can’t.

I looked down at his face when he didn’t respond. It’s not like he’s insightful and it’s lucky for me to catch him being understanding. I put my hands down in his hair; I actually like how he parts it now, it’s better when he keeps it out of his face. My fingers fluffed up his hair while I looked down at him.

Sometimes I think that things don’t change. Maybe it’s because I don’t like change, or maybe I just never notice.

I wonder if he would say anything that changed about me.

“If you want to fuck, I’m totally okay-”

I can’t believe I thought that maybe he’s changed. I know he’s doing it to be funny because he can’t take the whole idea of having a serious moment where I tell him how I seriously feel despite already having the conversation about it.

My hands pulled on his hair.

“Sometimes, I think you can’t get anymore gross than you already are but you manage to always surprise me.” I sighed, a little disappointed. He smiled though and I figured that I was reinforcing his behavior.

“Let’s just actually do something fun for a while.” He suggested.

I wasn’t interested. Instead I moved him off me so I could get out of bed. Just to prove how much I wasn’t interested, I planned to ignore him and focus on something else that doesn’t involve him. He watched me, he’d say I’m pretending, either way I wasn’t in the mood right now, no matter how much he thought I was.

I locked myself in the bathroom, and for a little while I was okay. But it took just a few moments for me to feel a little weird. My thoughts ran wild about things I had no control over and I didn’t know why I was thinking the way I was.

This is why I shouldn’t be alone.

My hands began to sweat a bit as I pressed them down on the bathroom counter in front of the sink. I looked in the mirror, seeing how flushed my face was after just a few seconds.

This was wrong.

I haven’t had a panic attack in months.

I closed my eyes and told myself to breathe, told myself to calm down, that everything was okay, nothing was wrong.

Fortunately, I didn’t lose myself. I could still breathe without the feeling of dying.

Maybe if I take a shower it might help to calm me down.

So for now that was a solution I was going to use. Hot water, enough to actually burn me, might take my mind off everything I was thinking about.

Is there a chance I might be taking on more than I could handle with the rebellion? That’s what I needed to know.

I’ve gotten multiple warning signs.

But deep down, I needed to do something. So maybe this is conflict, knowing that I can’t not care but also do something to help. It’s either one or the other.

The shower wasn’t helping.

I needed something else to take my mind off this.

I got out of the shower, not even reaching for a towel. I walked out completely dripping wet, tracking water on the floor that would be cleaned later. My breath was still shallow and uneasy. The burning sensation never really left and it hurt terribly.

I needed something else.

I opened the door and my hands pressed on the frames; water continued to drip from my body and my hair that mashed to my skin. I stared at Sirus in bed, hoping he would get the picture. Here I was, ready to jump him but he seemed sort of confused to see me standing there naked, wet, and breathing hard.

I can’t wait for him to get it.

I walked over to him in bed, just about climbing into bed over him and kissing him before he had anything to say. And judging by the way he was completely stunned, he was definitely going to have something to say.

For right now, I didn’t want any talking. I needed to settle my stress and that was the highest priority. Sirus doesn’t care if I use him for that.

It took a while for me to settle down. That wasn’t much of a problem...more or less. As long as I could breathe and think clearly, then there was nothing wrong.

I got what I needed.

I woke up during the middle of the night. My hand was around my neck when I realized it, then I remembered that I thought I was choking in my dream. I haven’t thought about space in months and now wasn’t a good time to stress out about it.

Even as I gasped for air, I still couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t get a hold of myself no matter how hard I tried.

My nightmare was enough to send me spiraling. Even while laying down, I felt dizzy and lightheaded. It was getting hot, too. I was so uncomfortable that I thought I would really die if I didn’t move. My thoughts were running wild, and this is why I can’t breathe.

I got out of bed and rushed to the bathroom, wanting to get cold water on my face so I could calm down. My hands pressed down on the counter as I tried to hold myself up, reminding myself to keep breathing but it only got worse.

My chest tightened and the fire in my lungs burned even more. It was like I was choking, suffocating, all because of my anxiety.

I just need to breathe.

Just breathe.

Breathe!

My legs weakened under me and I fell to the floor, still feeling like I was choking. I could gasp for air as much as I want but nothing helped.

I couldn’t breathe.

All my worries and fears flooded my mind and it wouldn’t stop. No matter how much I told myself that it was okay, there were other ways to prove that it wasn’t. I got to the point where I started to believe everything was my fault, that I was the cause of this, that everything will end badly because I don’t know what I’m doing.

Thinking the way I did didn’t help with trying to focus and calm down. I was so wound up that it didn’t matter.

It was my worst nightmare all over again.

I could hear Sirus coming to get me. I was still struggling to manage and now I couldn’t hide it from him; this is the first time that I’ve had a panic attack with him here. Now what?

“What’s going on-”

“Anxiety...” My voice was hoarse and my breath was shallow.

His hand was pressing on my chest before he began to pull away. I grabbed his wrist when I thought he was going to leave me.

“...Don’t.” I needed him to stay here.

He knows now so he might as well stay.

Sirus got down on the floor next to me and waited. My fingers didn’t let go of his wrist; I was just so afraid that I wouldn’t be able to separate this reality from my nightmare that I had to hold on to him. I needed to know that I wasn’t going to fall in whatever terrible vision of space my brain could make up. I stared up in the dark, trying to focus and keep the room from spinning. Sirus didn’t say anything beside me. It’s not like there was much he could do.

I haven’t been this terrified in months.

I kept reminding myself to breathe, that it was okay, that none of it was real. I don’t have to be scared. And even if I am, at least Sirus is here.

It took a while to feel like I wasn’t being burned alive. It took a while to finally be able to catch my breath. All the stress has been piling up and this is the result. Finally I could breathe normally again but I didn’t want to go back to sleep. My hand loosened around Sirus’ wrist when I could control myself.

It’s not like I felt better, but it was enough for me to think I might be able to go back to sleep.

Sirus began to get up beside me, but his hands moved under me, lifting me up from the cold floor and walking with me to bed. I was thankful that he wasn’t going to ask about this since I didn’t know how I was going to explain myself. My fingers clung to his shirt, my paranoia of falling making me grab hold of him.

It’s been months since I’ve gone through this. I had everything under control before but now I’m struggling; all it took was a slight problem for me to go off again. If I could help it, I would avoid everything that causes me stress. Now it just feels like I would be abandoning the people that need help.

This is my fault.

And with the way I was now, I couldn’t think of anything to do to fix it.

I didn’t let go of Sirus. I just had a fear of being alone.