Rebellion

I sat on the bathroom counter, waiting as Sirus did his best to put the contacts in by himself. These aren’t regular contacts anymore because of the modifications so it feels heavy on the eye. It can only take so much amount of fluid as well. Where regular contacts need to be moisten, these can’t stay like that for long. I pushed the sleeves of the sweater I wore up and pulled Sirus towards me after watching him struggle for five minutes.

“Anything special for today?” I asked as I took the contact from his finger. Today can’t be random since he wanted to wear these contacts out.

It also looks more like he might be going on a serious mission today. Does Janus finally have him doing something he wants to do? Sirus doesn’t necessarily put effort in until it’s something he’s dying to do. I wasn’t as curious as I should be.

“Just thought it would be a good chance to use them.” He said. But there was more to it. Is he lying?

“Okay.” It’s none of my business. As long as he doesn’t break them, and I don’t get in trouble, I don’t care what he does.

My hand moved under his chin so I could lift his head a little more to see. He kept his attention on me, and just for a second I thought he would say something demeaning and rude. It’s just with the way he looks at me. My fingers didn’t drop from where they were on him.

It’s been way too long and I shouldn’t be nervous.

Though, being this close to Sirus and not hearing him ask for something sexual puts me on edge.

“I’m surprised you’re not snooping around to find anything else about the problem.” He said and smile at me as he noticed my slight discomfort.

“I’m good for today.”

It’s eight in the morning but I’ve already had enough. I’m tired. I woke up to the worst nightmare this week so right now I’m not in the best position to go out and find shocking truths. I like to sleep and I want to be able to do that again.

I fixed the contacts in for him and I prayed that he won’t show off to everyone in the world. Sirus just has this habit of showing how he is better than everyone and I would be fine with that if it didn’t include me, but the contacts make me included.

“Please-”

He groaned and rolled his eyes. “I won’t break them.”

That’s not the only thing but I guess I don’t have to say it.

There’s going to be some surprise later knowing Sirus and how he does things. Someone will find out about the contacts, the surprise is who. I wasn’t going to lecture him about it, he’s grown enough to know that it will be his fault if anyone finds out about this.

He didn’t move away from me and I couldn’t get off the counter because he was between my legs. It seemed like he didn’t plan to move either.

“Sirus.” I was about to warn him when he put his hand down on my thigh. “No...”

Technically I wasn’t going to mind if he did anything but I can’t let him know that.

Not saying anything else when his other hand moved underneath the black sweater I was wearing was enough for him to know that I really wouldn’t try to stop him. I guess this morning was that morning.

His fingers trailed my skin slowly as he brought the sweater up.

“Bored?” He asked.

It’s not like I had anything specific to do today. In fact, I had nothing to do. And when that happens I just stare outside until there is something to do.

So I guess I was bored.

I didn’t say anything as he came closer to me, waiting to see if I would meet him half way and I did. The thing is now that I don’t care, it’s much easier to do whatever I want.

His hand pressed on my chest as the other began to pull down the sweatpants I wore.

I didn’t want to ask him to touch me, he would only make me beg for it. In my mind though, I desperately wanted him to get right to the point if he planned on doing something. The words were about to leave my lips but I stopped myself.

I’m not much for all the foreplay and I tell him this every single time; I don’t understand what he gets out of taking his slow time. All it is for me is feeling awkwardly impatient and wanting him to get it over with.

When he touches me incredibly slow or softly, it makes me feel like I have to ask him to be rougher; I know what he’s into and being gentle is not it.

My hands yanked at his long sleeve shirt, already lifting it up so I could get it off him. The urgency I felt made him laugh.

“You know exactly what you’re doing.” I said quietly as he moved to kiss my neck.

“And what’s that?” He was amused.

“Being unnecessarily gentle.”

“You like it better when I’m gentle-”

“No, I don’t like it when you pull my hair or put bruises on my skin for absolutely no reason.” I complained to him, though I know he doesn’t care. “I also don’t like when you talk to me like I am as “slutty” as you think I am. Plus-” I definitely had to add, “I’m not flexible so stop it.” I told him.

How long have we been together? I would hope that Sirus understands that I do have my limits, especially when it comes to things like this.

But he laughed and placed his hand on the mirror. “I’ll never be sorry about any of that.” He said lowly in my ear.

I closed my eyes and took a breath.

“Think I don’t know that?”

“I find myself reminding you a lot.” He said and began lifting my shirt; I brought my arms up so he could take it off me. “You don’t have to pretend you don’t like any of it.”

If only I wasn’t pretending.

“I see the face you make every time. And don’t get me started on how you always mark up my back.” He said. “You’re a little touchy on your good days. And my God, on your best days, you are a squealer.” He began to smile.

I pulled my lips in and looked away. Unfortunately, I couldn’t deny him. I’ve caught myself having some of those problems.

“Squealer is not the right word.” I wanted to correct him.

“Hm.” He didn’t believe me. “You’re not much of a screamer, like I really have to work hard for that. But begging is something you’re good at.”

I rolled my eyes but I didn’t have anything to say to that.

I guess on occasion, I might’ve gotten a little out of hand but that’s not my fault. When Sirus isn’t gentle, neither am I. Shameful as it is to admit but there are times where I do indulge in the fun.

I guess.

I sighed and sat up straighter on the counter, wanting to avoid Sirus’ gaze on me. There were a lot of things he could be thinking at the moment. One thing for sure was what he was going to do to me. My fingers pressed down on the black marble counter and I had to remind myself that I shouldn’t give in unless I find it necessary to do so.

“Come on, Aurora.” His hand moved under my chin to lift my head up. “Stop pretending.” He urged.

I bit my lip as I looked away, the blush rising to my face. There he goes again with the teasing. I don’t usually lie to Sirus because he can figure it out when I’m doing it, just like I can do the same to him.

Today I couldn’t pretend.

“Fine.” I groaned.

“It’s not hard to tell the truth.” He said and moved his hands under my thighs.

He knows how I hate being lifted. I was resistant as he pulled me up.

“Come on, be good.” He said when I wouldn’t cooperate.

My arms moved around his neck and my legs wrapped around his waist so he could carry me into the room. I know what this is about to lead to and I had to keep the little excitement I had to myself.

This morning bothered me, just because of my nightmare. I’m tired and don’t really want to be alone. Here Sirus is thinking I’m more interested in sex.

If I can keep him here then I won’t say anything.

He put me down in bed and was just as about to take his shirt off when I stopped him. I don’t want him to get too excited about this. I took his arm and got him in bed too so I could move on top of him.

This way, he doesn’t grab too hard on me. Well, unless he’s into it.

It’s not everyday I take the chance to...take control. It’s fun, I guess, but Sirus is always watching and that’s what makes it more embarrassing. Today I was going to deal with it. I was bored, tired, and soon lonely because he’ll have to leave.

“So can I-”

“No.” I stopped him. “You know how this works, Sirus. Please do not get overly excited.” I reminded him like I always do.

It’s going to be a fight to stay in control today. I can feel it.

But I can keep him for an hour or two. I’m sure no one will even notice that he’s not around yet. I’ll give him up when I’m done.

It wasn’t even two hours in to my quiet day when I could hear loud voices coming from outside. I paused in the kitchen, listening to the sound of my name coming up in conversation. It was like an argument with a group of people.

And unfortunately, I knew all of those voices.

What’s coming next was something I couldn’t avoid.

“I want contacts, too, Aurora!” Alya was the first one to whine when she walked inside the house.

Why would she...

When Sirus finally showed himself, I glared at him.

He brought four more people with him and he didn’t seem so shameful about it. It hasn’t been more than two hours! I knew this would happen. How could I expect more from him?

“You had one fucking job, Sirus.” I yelled at him as I banged my hand on the counter. Multiple times.

“It’s not my fault with the way they’ve been spying on me for the past week!”

“That’s not my problem!” I said over him. “I told you not to say anything-”

“And I didn’t, like I told you I wouldn’t.” He yelled back at me. “It’s not going to be my fault if they start digging around for answers.”

He just lied to me. Those four asked questions and he answered them. I don’t care if he initiated it or not. The problem is that he talked and that’s what provoked me more.

“Why can’t you just listen to me for once in your life, I swear, you just never understand anything, it’s like talking to a wall!” I shouted at him.

“Christ, Aurora, it’s not even that big of a fucking deal-”

I hate when he says that. I hate when everyone says that. Because when I’m freaking out, of course it’s a big deal. I wouldn’t be freaking out if it wasn’t a big deal!

“But here I am pissed off anyway.” I said with an intense sarcastic tone to my voice. “Do you think I would be yelling at you if it wasn’t a big fucking deal, Sirus?” I asked him loudly, my hands hitting the counter from the anger.

While Sirus and I continued to yell at each other, which probably won’t stop unless someone shuts one of us up, Orion made his way over to me and put his arm around my shoulders so he could lean on me. That’s what made me stop shouting so loud. My face was still hot and I felt the anger pulse through my body. It definitely wasn’t helpful with the others closing in on me.

“What?” I snapped.

“Whoa there.” Orion put his hands up and backed away a little. “Just came to ask for those cool pair of toys you gave Sirus-”

My eyes widened and I took a step back from him. I couldn’t control whatever anger bubbled over.

These are not toys for them to play with!

“You just don’t get it!” I just about lost it. “They are not toys, okay. This isn’t some game. And it sure as hell isn’t something I can just do because I have free time now.” I yelled at them.

“Aurora-”

If another person interrupts me I will start throwing things.

“Can you listen to me for once?” I’m not even in charge of them anymore and I still have to demand that they just listen to me. “I cannot give you everything.” I emphasized every word so they would understand.

I have no idea what they expect from me now but I will not dedicate my life to this. I don’t want to. I can’t make everything for everyone. And I was hoping Sirus would get his shit together and keep this a secret like he promised me he would.

The other contacts I have aren’t for these four but I guess I have no choice but to give it to them.

The stress of fighting was going to destroy me and I didn’t want to go through it.

I sighed and gave up, shaking my head and stomping off to get the other boxes with the contacts in them. I am no longer making anything. I give up. I’ve done my part to help and now I’m done. There’s nothing else I will do. I grabbed the boxes I had hidden and set them on the counter.

“Don’t ask me for anything ever again.” I said and walked back into the room, slamming the door shut.

I’m just so tired of everything that’s going on and I hate that this is happening to me. More and more people keep finding out, now they’ll just demand more from me. What am I supposed to do about that? I already have enough to deal with. I can’t keep control of more people if they get involved with the situation. That’s just more pressure on me.

I waited until it was quiet again. My hands pushed my hair back from my face and kept my eyes covered because I needed to think.

What I really need is time away from all this.

I decided to go home for the day instead of waiting around in silence. The more I think, the more anxious I will get and that will just give me an attack for sure. I might as well be with people and do other things to keep my mind off the terrible situation.

Alara was the first to find me at the door. It’s been two weeks since I’ve been home and it was unexpected this time. Now I was angry and needed somewhere to hide for a little while. Thank goodness my parents are nice enough to keep my room just the way I left it.

“Your room is still a mess, Aurora.” My mom said plainly as she drank her coffee.

She just doesn’t understand that my room is a representation of my life right now.

If I could clean it, I would, it’s just going to take me a while.

“It’s great to be home.” I sighed quietly as Alara pulled me around like she does when I come home. Usually she wants to go somewhere but lately she’s been busy which is surprising.

Looks like she gave up her habit of forgetting about school and starting her own life.

She sat down and pulled me down with her on the couch. “You’re never going to cut your hair again are you?” She asked since all she could stare at was my head.

I’m really not myself anymore and I’m trying to fix it but I’m at that point in my life where I don’t care and I don’t want to care. I can’t seem to find a reason to pick myself up anymore and its only been a couple weeks. My hair is getting out of control, almost reaching down to my shoulders and getting so wavy to the point that I want to take scissors and cut it myself. I have to constantly wear a head band to keep my bangs back since they’re too long, my hair is turning silver from the stress as well. Don’t get me started on how I haven’t been eating again.

“You seem extremely happy.” I said quietly as she took a hair tie from her wrist and reached up to pull my hair.

“I get my license in a few months.” She said, excited.

She finally found something that she actually wanted to do. It’s not like anyone in our family works for the Department of Health but she can be the first as a physician assistant. She loves it more than anything else. Finally I don’t have to keep watching her and warning her about her wanting to work with the Department of Defense.

“So I was thinking...” She said, still in thought, as she tied my hair up, “...about what I should get you for your birthday and-”

“I don’t want anything.” I stopped her.

I’m not much for birthdays anymore. I would rather keep it as quiet as possible. The last good birthday I had was when I was thirteen, after that my birthday seemed like just another day. I’m getting old, that’s it.

“Well that doesn’t work since you got me a crazy gift for mine.” She said.

“Alright, you know what I want, Alara? We can just go somewhere, just the two of us and go wild.”

Her eyes lit up and she sat up. She’s still as party pronged as ever. She loves going out and doing things she thinks is fun.

“That seems more like something I would want.”

“But let’s not go out on that day, probably this weekend would be better.”

“Wow. Aurora.” She looked proud. “Looks like you finally snapped.”

She has no idea.

I have a habit of hiding away when things get tough. Sometimes I need to separate myself from what’s going on, to have time to think, so I don’t go crazy with fear or hatred or anxiety. I feel fine tuning everything out but that doesn’t solve the problem. It doesn’t fix anything.

“Anything new I should know about? My friends love hearing about your life.”

And yet another person loves talking. I rolled my eyes and sighed as I got up to go to my room.

Alara followed, like usual, and pushed my stuff that was on my bed to the floor. She was waiting for me to tell her things about my life when I should be asking about hers. I guess I need to vent or something. The more I bottle up my stress, it will only be a matter of time before I blow up.

“Well, the new Head of Defense is patronizing everyone because he can. He doesn’t go to the right departments for what he needs.” I complained.

“You never did.”

“And how would you know that?” I looked at her as I sat down in bed. She looked away but her expression was so guilty.

“Sirus tells me a lot of things that you won’t.”

That right there is one of my big problems. I tell Alara over and over again that she shouldn’t be talking to him. He could fill her mind with a bunch of lies and terrible ideas but she does it anyway.

“But how are things with him?” She asked. My eyes widened. “You thought I didn’t know? You’re wearing a shirt that’s not even your size.” She pointed out.

I had to make sure she didn’t say anything to anyone. “Alara-”

“You still keep me in the dark, Aurora. And I mean, it’s your life and all, but I’m curious.” She said but that didn’t make me feel better. She smiled after a few seconds.

“If there was something to tell, I would tell you, but I don’t have anything.” I shrugged.

Her genuine smile turned smug. “Why do you stay with him?”

“I can’t get my own place yet.”

“The clothes?”

“I didn’t bring a lot of my own.”

“The hickey on your neck?”

My hand darted to where I felt the heat on my neck, mostly to cover it up but it was too late. I get that Alara is curious and all but I don’t want to answer her questions.

On occasion, I do live with Sirus. I wear his clothes when I don’t have any. We do things together.

And as much as I wanted to tell her it’s not more than that, I can’t because there’s more than that.

“Look who’s blushing.” She smiled widely and laid down in my bed.

I wasn’t going to explain anything to her.

“If you’re going to stay for a couple days, you’re going to need some of those clothes you say you don’t have.” She pointed out.

I rolled my eyes. I’m not going to answer anymore of her questions and I hoped that she wouldn’t bring up anything that had to do with my life while I’m here. I would prefer to keep the talk about what I do with Sirus to a minimum but more and more people are learning and figuring it out.

I only went back to Sirus’ place to get a few of my things and to return the clothes I was borrowing. For some reason, I just forgot I had my own clothes and a lot of other stuff over at Sirus’ place. I can’t remember how long I’ve been over. What I thought was a few things was actually a lot more.

I rubbed my face with the sleeve of my sweater and tried to think. Now that it’s quiet again, I can find something else to worry about. My health isn’t getting that much better. Maybe I should go in and talk to Phoebe.

The only thing is that I have no way to tell her what’s causing me stress. I can’t tell her that I’m playing a part in the rebellion in the most illegal way possible.

I sighed quietly and got up. My bags weren’t finished but it seemed like I had a bit of time. That was before I heard voices outside the room. And someone was crying.

Already I knew why.

I walked out to find the most untrustful group of five wandering in. Alya was seconds away from screeching as she rubbed her eyes. And the first thing I thought was that she left the contacts in for too long. She had her hand over one eye, and I saw the tears as she complained about how bad it hurt.

I was so mad earlier that I didn’t officially warn them how these contacts were just prototypes and could cause damage. I don’t even think Sirus mentioned anything because Alya got the contact stuck in her eye.

I went over to her and moved her hand so I could help her take it out. Her eye was blood shot red and filled with tears. She definitely did leave the contacts in for too long, I could see a brown streak on the lens; they malfunctioned or fried but they were hurting her eye either way. I was careful to not touch her eye but the contact felt a little harder than it should’ve been and I did have to take it out. She continued to whine to me, almost wailing as I did my best to reduce the pain while taking out the contact.

The second I got it out, she rushed off to the kitchen to move over the sink and pour water in her eye.

The contact had streaks of brown in it from being on for too long. I hope that she’ll still be able to see.

Now they know that these aren’t toys.

I refused to speak to them even if they wanted to talk to me. It’s not like I had a lot to say to them. The other four blocked my path so I couldn’t walk away, and they made it seem so subtle too like they weren’t bullying me but they actually were.

What could they possibly tell me?

“So, we have a lot to say actually.” Orion said but I didn’t respond. I waited quietly because I didn’t want to speak. “Everyone who’s had their tablets reset already are linked and it’s easy to identify them since they glow yellow through the contacts.” He explained.

“Compared to the population we worked with today, not a lot of people are affected.” Lunar said.

“However, the numbers are still high because people aren’t supposed to get affected by a glitch this bad.” Altair continued.

“It looks like anything that has reset isn’t permanently linked to the system; they’re seen and everything but most of their information is linked somewhere else.” Sirus said.

Well where would it be linked to...

Oh my God.

I closed my eyes and sighed, already knowing what caused another problem.

I keep making mistake after mistake. Now I have to reconfigure my tablet again to fix another issue that wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t tamper around. Why is this happening to me?

If I can fix it, then no one will be able to trace anything back to me.

“I’ll fix it.” I said quietly.

Alya came back over to me as if I really needed to check on her. I’m trying to understand why they rely on me so much, I am not their parent. Unfortunately, I didn’t want Alya to suffer so I did make sure her eye was okay. Her face was wet from the water, a few strands of her black hair mashing to her skin.

She tilted her head down so I could look at her eye. I can’t see any physical damage which should be a good sign.

“Can you see?” I asked.

“Yeah, it just hurts a lot.” She said.

“I sort of forgot to tell you that you shouldn’t keep the contacts on in your eyes for longer than three hours-”

“Oh we all knew that.” Orion spoke up.

“That one just forgot.” Altair laughed behind us.

Alya had shame written all over her face. I shouldn’t be surprised considering how forgetful she can actually be especially when it comes to things that can handicap her life. For now, she only has one working contact lens.

I wasn’t going to make new pairs unless I felt like it. Though I might have to redo the ones that are made so they can properly read the new configuration. When I actually get around to it.

It seems really important so I should work on it tonight.

“Well, I should get going. Janus has my sector looking for traitors.” Lunar said as she whipped around. “Makes me feel like a double agent or something.” She laughed loudly and walked away to leave.

“We could all potentially be snitches.” Orion said.

The four of them looked at each other quietly before all confirming, “That ain’t me.”

“You do know you’re telling me everything without reporting any of what you say to Janus, right?” I pointed out to them. “You’re an accessory to my crimes.” I also had to add because now they’re about to be as deep in as I am.

“I forgot you’re a criminal.” Alya laughed, covering her mouth and turning around to hide her face.

I don’t get why it’s so funny.

And I had to remind myself that I didn’t want to talk to any of them for putting me in a bad position. Although I wouldn’t have known about the link if they hadn’t told me in the first place. I sort of needed to learn that.

“I should get going, too.” Altair said, hiding his laughter as he walked by me and Alya.

It’s not funny.

“If you need any more help, you can call. You know we don’t mind helping out.” Orion said as he pulled Alya along with him.

And now there was one.

I stared at Sirus, wanting to know if he planned to apologize for not keeping quiet like I asked him. Deep down, I know I was asking for too much since he doesn’t apologize for a lot of things unless he wants to get on my good side. He just stared back without the intentions of saying anything.

I wasn’t going to complain.

I wasn’t going to yell either.

I shouldn’t expect so much. That’s how I get disappointed. And to be honest, I guess it was a big help to have the others around too. I would just really appreciate it if he wouldn’t advertise everything I do as a game or anything I make as toys. This is serious and I would appreciate if he would act like it was.

I didn’t say anything as I walked by him, going to finish packing my stuff so I could leave. I could hear him following behind me, and he was just about to say something about earlier.

“Are you serious?” He asked when I zipped my bag. “Are you still mad about earlier?”

“No, actually I’m not.” I answered plainly as I lifted a strap over my shoulder.

“So you’re leaving.”

“You’re really clingy and I need space from you.” I didn’t change my expression but it was a joke. He just didn’t like how I said it. “I promised my sister I would come home for a couple days.”

“Huh.”

I don’t know what else he wants from me but I have nothing else.

He came closer to me and usually this would be a great time to run away but I didn’t. I’m not scared of him and it didn’t look like he would threaten me.

“Look, I’m...” He sighed and looked away. “I’m sorry for saying something, okay. I just know we could use the help.”

“We?”

Since when was this an us thing?

“You think I’m gonna let you do this by yourself?” He asked. Well its nice of him and all but I would prefer if I don’t bring other people down with me.

“I know you’re just trying to be nice and compassionate to see if I’m lying about going home.” I mentioned because I caught on. “And I guess you’re not wrong when you say we could use the help.”

All he wanted to hear was that he was right.

“I’m also still mad.” I added and he groaned obnoxiously. “I would just really like to have a heads up when you want to involve more people because I’m pretty much responsible for anything that happens.” I explained.

“Okay.”

He’s not actually listening.

“I’m still going home though.” I didn’t want him to get the idea that this makes everything okay. I’m still mad, but not so mad that it’s eating me alive. “I just...I’m hoping to have a break from all the panicking and anxiety.”

It hurts and for once, he knows that. The suffering isn’t so bad when there’s someone there to help.

But I also don’t want to worry him so much with how I can’t deal with my own problems. I’m constantly going through something and he has to be there to watch me to make sure I don’t really suffocate.

“Okay.” He repeated.

This time it felt like he was listening. What’s surprising was that he wasn’t trying to stop me.

When did he turn out to be this way? I’ve never felt so reassured in my life and it’s a little worrisome. Sirus is never usually understanding; I wonder what he’s thinking.

Would he ever tell me?

Before I could say something else, he came closer to kiss me, his hand resting on my face lightly. I wasn’t shocked or confused.

This was the only part of the day that really felt okay. And it made me want to drop everything and forget that I was mad.

The one thing that I had to keep in mind was that I have to stop letting Sirus get his way. He can’t just kiss me or have sex with me then think that everything is okay because I enjoyed it. I was still mad. Not as much as before but I was mad regardless.

The point is that he has to talk to me, tell me things, warn me.

I need to know what happens now because anything could happen.

These are the things I worried about and if I wasn’t careful, my anger would just slip away as if I never felt it in the first place.

So Sirus can kiss me all he wants and I will gladly return the favor, but this doesn’t fix anything. The more he realized that, the more he put in a little effort. It was just enough to make me worried, to convince me that he might be trying to reassure me.

“Sirus...” I murmured against his lips.

I had to be careful. My heart was beginning to speed up and I felt my hands getting a little clammy. Its like I’m about to suffer another panic attack. How would I be able to get through this one?

Sirus stopped himself, but he didn’t move away. I could still feel his breath on my skin as he breathed slowly. I was so nervous that it was a little worrisome. Sirus is always this close to me and usually it never bothers me. Maybe that’s not why I felt like I was drowning. Sirus kept close, his forehead pressing on mine, his hand still pressing on my cheek.

“I...” I couldn’t breathe. “I c-can’t...” I could barely speak.

It’s hard dealing with something this terrible. It’s beginning to affect all parts of my life. To think that it’s gotten so bad that I couldn’t even talk to Sirus. And when I felt terrible about it, my anxiety got worse.

Why am I like this?

What happened to me?

Sirus didn’t try to over step his boundaries with me. When I’m struggling he barely says anything to me; he just lets me deal with it without smothering me and asking questions. So now I wasn’t surprised when he put distance between us, turning away to give me a chance to get myself together.

Maybe in a few days, I might be able to handle a little more stress. I just need a bit of time alone.