Kanin

For the next two weeks, Jax has me on a strict schedule. We don’t talk anymore of Bevin’s attack. Cade has been uncharacteristically silent since he woke up the morning after he was hurt. He has a new bruise to add to his collection, an angry purple mark that reminds us all how close Bevin had come that night to killing me.

I stand in the back yard with two blades, one in each hand. They’re silver daggers that I’ve been training with for a few weeks now. Jax told me that they’re the perfect weapon for me. He says I might be small, but I’m fast. He’s been training me to use my strengths to my advantage, that’s where the two daggers come into play.

Jax is in a half-shift, all claws and angry fangs. He growls and lunges at me, but I’m quick to roll to my left. He’d come so close to me that the air from his movements rustles my hair. I swipe out with my daggers, but they don’t touch him. We’ve been training so much now that he knows my every move.

I really was predictable.

I shook the thought away and tried to stay in the present moment. Jax came at me again, this time I kicked out at him and my heel hit him square in the chest. The air left his lungs and he stumbled back a few steps. I don’t miss a beat. I pounce at him, knocking him clean off his feet. We land in a heap on the grass, my knees pressed into his sides and both of my blades are against his throat.

“Got you.” I said between heavy breathes.

Jax smiled up at me with half-lidded eyes. He reaches up, pushing against the blades I still had on his skin, and cupped the back of my neck. His warm lips press against mine and his fingers tangle in my hair.

When we pull apart, I laugh, “Remind me to win more often if that’s my prize.”

“Don’t get used to it. I let you win.” He teased and then suddenly I’m the one with my back pressed against the grass. It happened so quickly that I hadn’t seen it coming. My blades are forgotten on the ground beside me and my hands are pressed firmly against his chest.

“No one likes a liar, Jax.” I say to him, bringing him closer to me to brush my lips against his one last time. As I do so, I bring my knees into his chest and flip him over my head. He lands with a grunt on the ground. I laugh, bouncing to my feet to retrieve my blades from the ground.

“You’re a dirty cheater, Kanin Abbott.” He stays on the ground and brings his arms to rest behind his head. He smirks up at me, a motion that makes my stomach flip and my knees feel weak.

“He’ll never love someone like you.”

Bevin’s words come back to haunt me every time I let myself think of Jax. There’s a small part of my brain that thinks she’s right. Jax is an all-powerful alpha. He can have just about anyone he wants. Why would he want someone like me? A half-breed girl that had no real claim to anything. He deserves more.

Jax must see that something’s bothering me because he’s on his feet in seconds. He has this uncanny way of knowing how I feel and sometimes I think he really does. It’s like he can read my mind.

His hands wrap around my shoulders and he pulls me to his chest. We don’t say anything to each other and we don’t have to. Just like he seems to know what I’m thinking, he also knows how to comfort me.

It’s at night that I can’t seem to shut my mind off. When the nightmares plague my sleeping brain and the doubt starts to creep in. That’s when Jax holds me against him and everything just stops. I think it helps him too, because even if we start off in separate bedrooms, he always finds his way to mine in the middle of the night. We spend the night lying in each other’s arms and it’s the most peaceful sleep I’ve had in quite some time.

“Jax.”

We’re pulled away from each other when Cade comes out the back door. We turn to face him and I see his eyes are red. I’ve come to know the difference between angry wolf eyes and ones when he’s communicating with his alpha. My eyes focus on Jax now, sure enough his eyes are red as well. I wonder what it is that they don’t want me to know.

Jax clears his throat then, “I’ve got to take care of something.” He says nothing else before he leaves me standing in the back yard without him. I watch him disappear inside and then I’m left alone with Cade.

I smile up at my friend, “Feel like helping me train?”

He hesitates for a few seconds before joining me on the lawn, “Sure.”

It’s just before midnight when Jax returns to the mansion. I’ve been waiting up for him all night, and I hate that I’ve become one of those girls. I never used to be clingy, but now it’s like I feel a physical pain in my chest every time Jax disappears. I hate how dependent I am on him.

I lay back on my bed and pull the covers over my body. I close my eyes and try to shut my thoughts off. I shoot up in bed a second later and curse. It’s no use. I’m too restless. I run my fingers through my tangled hair and pull my knees to my chest.

It’s a few minutes later that Jax slips into my room. He looks like a part of the shadows. His wolf’s eyes glow in the dark for a moment, locating me in an instant. My body reacts to him instantly and my anxiety melts away.

“Go away.” I warn him. He ignores me and instead pulls off his boots. He slips into the bed, lying on his side and staring over at me. I don’t move, I don’t even look at him. “Seriously, Jax, go away.”

“Why?” His voice sounds hoarse and I instantly wonder if he’s been yelling all night.

“I shouldn’t rely on you so much.” I place my head in my hands. “I’m pathetic. I can’t even sleep without you near me, and I hate it.”

He’s silent for a moment and then he breathes out a sigh. “If you’re pathetic, then I’m pathetic.”

I laugh at him and then I give in. I settle down on my side, facing him. “I’m scared, Jax.”

His eyes soften even more. “I know you are, but don’t be. I’ll take care of Keera and her pack.”

I shake my head, “I’m not talking about them.”

“Then what?” He questions, reaching out and tucking a loose strand of my hair behind my ear.

“I’m scared, because I’d die for you. I’ve never felt like that before.” There’s sudden tears in my eyes and I’m quick to reach up to wipe them away.

I’d die for him and there’s a pit in my stomach that tells me that I just might.

He reaches up and catches a stray tear with his thumb, “It’s the same for me too, Kanin. You’re the first thing in a very long time that I’ve cared for. It scares me to death, because now someone wants to take that away from me.”

We fall into silence, our fingers intertwining in the space between us. I fall asleep quickly that night.

The next morning I wake up early. I lay on my back as the sun comes through the dark curtains. Jax is still asleep next to me, which is a rare sight. Usually he’s the first one up. I was starting to think he never slept at all.

He looks peaceful as he sleeps, his brow smooth of any worry. His mouth is parted and his eyes dart beneath his lids. I reach forward and lightly trail a finger down the side of his face. He sighs and his eyes blink open.

“Happy birthday.” He says in his raspy morning voice.

I was still for a minute, unable to process his words, “That’s today?”

He nodded with a smile.

That means school starts in a few short weeks: my senior year of high school. I could remember the days when I couldn’t wait for it to come. Delilah and I had a calendar that counted down the days. We even planned the morning: from what outfits we wore to where we met for breakfast. It was such a normal thing, such a human thing.

I was an entirely different person now. That old me didn’t even seem like the me I was now. It felt like a lifetime ago.

It felt impossible.

“You’re eighteen.” He whispered, bringing me back to the moment.

I was legally an adult. I wondered if my father had initially sent the police to look for me. If he did, I wondered if they now had to stop because I was of legal age. I shook my head. My father would never involve the police in werewolf business. Especially since he killed them. That’s not something he wanted the cops digging into. Cade had made that point the first day I was here.

Then I realized that this was the first time I’ve thought about my human life in quite a long time. My chest started aching at the thought. Oh, how easily I’ve forgotten it. How easily it was for me to settle into the supernatural world.

“You know what today also is right?” I questioned, feeling the icy pit of dread work its way into my veins.

The full moon. My eighteenth birthday had landed on the very day I was meant to die. How poetic.

He says nothing, turning over onto his back to stare up at the blank ceiling. I do the same and I can almost picture my ceiling at home. I can almost picture the stars. I close my eyes and a single tear slips down my cheek. Now, I wish I really was back in my old room and back in my old life. There are fleeting moments that I wished I’d never found out about werewolves and this is one of them.

Those moments don’t last though, because then I remember that I wouldn’t have met Jax or his pack and I never would have found out the truth about my mother.

I push myself up from the bed and pad barefoot to the dresser. “Are we going to train?”

Jax pushes himself up on his elbows and stares at me with a blank face. “Not today.”

I cross my arms over my chest and lean back against the wooden furniture. “How come?”

“I think we should take today to rest, celebrate your birthday. Yeah know, before-” He widens his eyes, insinuating what I already knew.

“Before this becomes my last birthday. Yeah, I get it.” I turn away from him and dig in the dresser for a pair of clothes.

I hear the bed creak, but don’t bother to turn around. I pull out a pair of leggings and a t-shirt. Jax follows me as I make my way to the bathroom, but I shut the door in his face. I didn’t want him to try and comfort me, not now. Not today.

“Kanin.” Jax groaned from the other side of the door.

I ignored him and busied myself with getting ready. I brushed my hair out and braided it over my shoulder. I leaned forward on the sink and looked myself over. I sucked in a deep breath and tried to give myself a pep talk, but I failed miserably. There wasn’t really a pep talk for a time like this.

I pushed past Jax, who was leaning against the wall waiting for me. I slipped back into my room and found the pair of tennis shoes Arya had let me borrow. I started lacing them up, all the while ignoring Jax who hovered in the door way.

“And where do you think you’re going?” He questioned.

“A run, just like we do every morning.” I stood back to my feet and tried to move past him, but he wasn’t budging. “Move, Jax.”

“Kanin, stop this. Can’t you just take a day off?” He pleaded.

“Why?” I crossed my arms over my chest and glared up at him. “Because I might die tonight?”

“No, because it’s your birthday. We should be celebrating.”

“Exactly, it is my birthday. You know what I want to do on my birthday?” I shoved him aside and stepped into the hallway. “I want to go on a run.”

“You’re not going by yourself.” He followed after me.

I started descending the stairs, “Then by all means, Jax, come with me.” I stopped at the front door and turned around to face him. His brow was creased in that way that I could tell he was starting to get frustrated with me.

“You’re not going to listen, are you?” He asked.

I shook my head, “Nope.”

He sighed, “Fine. Give me two minutes to get ready.”