Julia Lelieveld and the fifth element

“You’ve already caused a lot of talk for someone who just started school here.”

I turned and there he was, Lucas.

A warm glow passed through me when I saw him. For a moment I forgot everything that had happened today. He looked at me seriously, it wasn’t meant as a joke. I found myself having a big sigh of relief. Relief to see him.

“Hi,” I said following the sigh. He looked at me with his beautiful brown eyes. His hair was stylishly disheveled and his jaw was tense. I saw incomprehension in his eyes, which turned into a concerned look. He was the first to not immediately ask me if I was okay. Before I knew it he walked over to me and took me in his arms. His strong arms formed a protective shield around me. He rested his head on my head. I put my arms around him too. My hands on his shoulder blades. He felt muscular under his shirt. I relaxed under his strong grip, resting my head on his chest. I heard his heart beating faster than a normal heart. This gesture meant so much to me.

The sharp edges of my feelings disappeared as he grabbed me there like that. It couldn’t last long enough.

His arms rested on my back. He held me tight, as if trying to squeeze all the troubles out of me. It felt good.

He put a hand on the back of my head and I felt him lift his own head off me. He pressed his lips against my hair and kissed me gently.

His grip loosened and he tilted his head back slightly. Reluctantly I relaxed my arms around him and let go of my head from his warm and secure chest and looked at him. The warmth that had come from his kiss sank all the way down into my body.

His eyes were concerned and questioning. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked me. His voice was hoarse. I nodded. It will be good for me to talk about today. I have to tell someone anyway. He took my hand and led me to the bleachers where we sat. I told him it started with me slipping in the locker room. He gently grabbed my sore wrist. I told him about the fight with Sandra, that I had run away. The conversation with the gym teacher. That Jerry made a fool of me in front of the whole class and then I lashed out at him. I drove with Jerry to the station and that I had had an argument with my father. Of course I didn’t tell him the exact reason for my argument with Jerry and my father. How I had to walk back from the station to school and that I ran into Olaf with his drunken friends and had a ride from him on his motorcycle. I also immediately explained why Olaf had offered me that lift. Because he was thankful I didn’t rat him out in detention when he almost attacked me in his rage. And how I came to walk in here hand in hand with Bas. I looked at my hands when I had finished telling. On one side I felt relieved, but on the other side also very vulnerable. Lucas hadn’t interrupted me once. I could tell from his face and eyes how he felt. I saw his emotions change as the events that had happened this day.

He cleared his throat and took a deep breath. “Julia, I want you to know that you can always call me if there’s something wrong. I know you haven’t known me very long, but I hate to see you so unhappy.” He looked at our hands for a moment, he seemed to be uncomfortable as he showed his feelings.

I felt a lump forming in my throat, my eyes started to sting. It felt so good to hear these words from him, but also somewhat frightening. He was right, I also felt unhappy at the moment. I was ashamed of it, I felt so selfish about it. I just couldn’t stand arguing with my father. We only have each other. The gossip circulating about me didn’t help either. I knew I had to be above that, I could. But it still hurts me that people see you differently than you are.

Fortunately, Lucas now knew better. I knew we had nothing to do with each other. But the few moments I saw him felt good. From the first moment I saw him in the stairwell, I was attracted to him. He had such a warm look and voice, not to mention his handsome face. Still, I found it difficult to expose myself.

I looked again into his eyes, which were still vulnerable. He waited for a response from his just expressed feelings. I still had to struggle not to burst into tears. In the back of my mind I knew I had to tell him someday. That I had to tell him what had happened eight months ago that caused my mother to die. Only then could I really be myself.

I thought about his words. I had already heard from several people today that I could call them if there was something. And the weird thing is, I believed them. That if I called, they would really help me.

I can see in his eyes that he really thinks it’s terrible that I feel so bad. I tried to swallow the tears that were stinging behind my eyes.

“I will remember it. This means a lot to me, you know?” I played Lucas’s words over in my head again. There was one more thing I wanted to say, which I really meant. “Thank you.”

“For you always.”

Because of these reassuring words, I felt the feelings of anger, incomprehension and sadness weaken a little and suddenly I felt very tired. I was really exhausted. I automatically put my index and middle fingers against my temples to give them a massage. I felt my wrist protest against every move I made.

“Come, I’ll take you home.” Lucas stood up and held out his hand. I let go of my head and looked at him. There he stood, asking for my hand. I got up and grabbed his hand with my good hand.

I didn’t even protest to say I’d get home safely, that he didn’t have to take me. I really liked that he wanted to take me home. We walked in silence to the bicycle shed. It was cold and it was raining.

To my surprise, I saw him walk up to a motorcycle and take keys out of his pocket.

I looked at him questioningly.

“Today is not the first time that you have sat on the back of a stranger’s motorcycle,” he said with a smile. I thought back to my ride with Olaf. It was indeed crazy that I went behind him. But at the time it seemed like a good option. I glanced at my bike, wondering how I was going to get to school tomorrow. I’ll get out of bed earlier and walk. I don’t think I could easily cycle with my wrist after all. As if he could read my mind, Lucas said, “Don’t worry about that bike, I’ll just pick you up for school in the morning.” He had an expression on his face as if it were the most natural thing in the world. “Deal.”

He didn’t have an extra helmet with his motorcycle, so we had to get it out of his locker first.

Luckily I had an excuse to grab him on the bike. I hugged him tightly and closed my eyes. I felt the wind blowing around us and the rain falling against us. Lucas rode nimbly through town. Judging by his driving, he already had a lot of experience. Luckily he wasn’t driving as fast as Olaf, but it wouldn’t have mattered that much. Because no matter how fast Olaf drove, I still felt safe with him on the back, just like with Lucas.

In no time we were in front of the house. I saw that everything was still dark and that Dad’s car wasn’t in the driveway. I hated it, I would have liked to talk it out with Dad. Well, that would just have to wait on the bank.

Lucas stopped his engine and, like Olaf, held out his arm to support me as I dismount. I grabbed it with my good hand and tried to get off carefully. He took off his helmet and I followed suit. He immediately ran his hand through his hair so that it was nicely tangled again.

“Has everyone gone to bed yet?” And he nodded to my house. Probably not a crazy thought from him, because the lights were already out at many houses in the street. I guessed it was eleven o’clock already.

It was also probable that Lucas came from a large family, otherwise he would have phrased his sentence differently.

I looked back at our house. “No, I think my father is still at work.” And I shrugged. He looked at me for a moment and left it at that. Grateful he didn’t ask further why I only mentioned my father. I think he got the message. I had not told the content of the argument with Sandra. I really couldn’t handle it at the time.

He nodded briefly. “Shall I be there at a quarter past eight tomorrow?”

It felt good to see him again in the morning. “I’ll make sure I’m ready.”

I gave him back his helmet that he hung on his handlebars.

“Lucas?” He looked up. “Thank you.”

He nodded and before putting on his helmet he said. “For you always.” And he was gone.

When I got inside I noticed that I was quite cold. The rain had found its way through my jacket and pants, leaving everything wet and clammy.

Time for a relaxing bath. As I undressed I noticed that my left leg that I had also fallen on was black and blue from my hip to just above my knee. I carefully removed the bandage from my wrist, which was as blue as my leg. Once out of the bath I put on my house suit and went downstairs. I was going to wait for daddy to finish work. I just had to talk to him and if I was in my room he would go straight to bed. It was already twelve o’clock and while I was zapping on the couch and could choose between a home shopping program and advertising for call girls, I noticed that I was very hungry. Logical, because when I thought back to this day, I realized that I had completely forgotten to eat tonight. I took some food and waited for my father.

“Julia, Julia!” I woke up with a start. I was still lying on the couch in the living room, it was still dark outside. My father held me by my shoulder and shook me slightly to wake up. “I’m already awake,” I said, a little annoyed. What time would it be? I felt pretty broke.

“Why are you lying here on the couch?” he asked.

I sighed deeply, I had to put everything back together in my head.

“I wanted to talk to you, Dad, about this afternoon.” I saw him furrow his eyebrows.

“I’ve thought about it, about what you said.” He looked difficult. Would he have stepped off the case? Would he have had any problems with it?

“I just talked to someone about it and I made an appointment for you with a therapist.” He looked at me determinedly. What? This was a joke for sure. He couldn’t mean this. After being with therapists all summer, did I have to go there again? No, not at all. I didn’t want to pick it up again. I wanted to say something, but my father cut me off. “No, just listen to me. I didn’t like the way you treated me this afternoon, especially in front of my colleagues. I’m not going to work on another case either. What I do want to say is that I’m always there for you, even though I’m working a lot. If there’s anything, I’ll always be there. I’ll make sure nothing ever happens to you again. It hurt me that you said you relive it every day. So I think it’s a good idea to see a therapist again. No, I don’t want a contradiction. You can go to therapy tomorrow afternoon after school, at four o’clock. Here’s the address.”

And that was that, he gave me a card with an address on it. He turned and walked to the stairs. “That’s it?” I asked him. “Is that all you have to say? I wanted to talk it out, but instead you talk and I have to do everything you say?”

He looked at me with incomprehension. “Julia, this is the best. Go to that therapist tomorrow, you can talk to her. We can always talk.” And he was gone. He just couldn’t face the confrontation. He didn’t want to talk to me, no, he had a therapist do that. Jesus, what a piece of shit!

It wasn’t the only thing I disagreed with. The beautiful story that I would always be safe, that he would never let anything happen to me again. Now with this behavior I don’t believe one bit of it. I felt a headache set in. So this was the conversation I was waiting for. Well that was nice. My stupid act forced me to talk tomorrow, which I didn’t feel like doing at all.

I looked at the clock and saw that it was already five o’clock. I was too worked up to sleep. As I got up from the couch I felt how much my leg and wrist hurt. I decided to take a warm bath again and put on my playlist, so that I would be distracted from everything for a while.