I Know How You Feel

I was sitting in my biology class wishing I could melt away. Everyone kept asking me what happened between Tyler and me. Every time I answered a piece of my heart seemed to get ripped away. So by day B third block, biology, I was pretty much an empty shell. As the evil Ms. Aden lectured, I stared at the white wall. That was until a piece of paper was slipped under my nose.

Did you get the photos done for class on Friday?

I looked over to see Misty tapping a blue ink pen that matched the blue words on the note. I didn’t really think she’d be one to pass notes considering she had a phone and didn’t talk to people who didn’t, but maybe me going to her party made my reputation go up a notch or something. Or she was just doing her job as the editor of the school magazine I took pictures for. Probably more likely that.

Yea, I turned them in last Friday. Why?

I slid the paper over to her and waited for her reply. Instead she looked up at the teacher who had stopped talking. I looked over too and imagined Misty falling into a bottomless pit.

“Knoes,” Ms. Aden barked.

“Yes ma’m?”

“Pop quiz, forty points: What does D.N.A. stand for?” she questioned.

I cursed in my head. I didn’t know this. Ask me how to play a G chord or how to set up a sequence in Music Theory and I’m there but this, I had no idea.

I tapped my finger on the table and everyone looked at me.

Dammit! Just guess something. I thought.

“Deoxyribonucleic acid.” The words came out of my mouth without my even thinking of them.

“Correct, now pay attention,” she nearly growled before going back to her lecture.

My eyes went wide. I didn’t even have the slightest clue. How did I do that? Oh my god, that was so cool! I looked over at Misty and her usual smirk was replaced by a frown. I would have stuck my tongue out at her if we were in sixth grade again, but I instead chuckled internally and told Sam afterwards.

“You just knew the answer?” Sam asked as we sat down for lunch.

Thankfully we had both Lunch A and Lunch B together but no one else did. Which meant no Tyler.

“Yea, I don’t know how I did it. One second I’m blanking and in another the right answer is coming out of my mouth,” I said.

“Whoa, that’s so cool!”

“I know right?” I said. “So what did you and Romeo do at the party? You never told me.”

“Talked.”

“About what?”

“Lots of stuff. His family, my family, the weather and our favorite music. Oh and then I listened to Italian pop songs on his iPod,” she said smiling and blushing unknowingly.

I smiled, ignoring the nearly real stabbing pain that hit my chest like a knife. It had been doing that for the past few days whenever I thought about love. It was hard to breath and hard not to cry but I smiled anyway. I made the right decision. That’s what I kept telling myself.

And so we hit another symptom: knowing way too much to be physically possible.

I started acing tests and actually doing my homework. Math became easy for me and science was a breeze. I memorized things so quickly that I even had all the songs done before anyone else in my choir. In English, I finally wrote a full essay that my teacher liked without any spelling errors. History, I read things once and had it down. Everything would have been awesome if all the kids in my class didn’t hate me. By the end of the month, I was already being labeled the smart ass. Even Sam stayed away from the topic of academics when talking to me. Something we did talk about though was the Spring Dance.

“I’m not going,” I stated firmly.

“But you have to! I can’t go alone!” Sam whined with the voice of a kid younger than my ten-year-old brother.

“You won’t be going alone. You’ll have Romeo,” I said. My voice came out lower than usual. Love was still a touchy subject for me.

“No. He didn’t ask me,” Sam pouted.

“Yet.”

“What?”

“He hasn’t asked you yet,” I said.

“He’s not going to,” she stated.

“How do you know?” I started. “I can tell he likes you, Sam. If he doesn’t ask—wait does he even know about the dance?”

Sam’s face lit up, “He doesn’t! You should tell him about it.”

“No, I think you should,” I countered.

“…Okay, I’ll do it tomorrow,” she paused, her face holding a nervous but excited expression. “At lunch!”

“Right on! And then I won’t have to go!” I cheered.

“No, you are going,” Sam said seriously.

“Yes, so I can be the third wheel and watch couples dance and make-out,” I grumbled, “No thanks. I’ll pass.”

“Well, maybe you could get a date?” Sam suggested lightly.

“I don’t know, Sam,” I said my tone darkening.

“I hope you’ll change your mind,” Sam said looking at the clock. I looked at it too and saw that it was time for me to go.

“See you after school,” I said walking away.

Wyatt caught me and was grinning like a jack-o-lantern.

“Solos are today!” he sang as we walked to the art building.

“Good luck,” I said with the fake cheer that I had been using for a while, “Which one are you trying out for?”

“Oh me? Noooo, I’ve already done two solos this year,” Wyatt corrected, “Plus I could never sing in front of that many people by myself, I’m more of a sing in a huge choir person.”

“Oh, then why are you so excited?” I asked pushing the door open to the outside.

“Wait… Aren’t you trying out?” he asked, suddenly standing in front of me in the glass hallway.

“No, I don’t think so,” I mumbled looking down at my feet, “What’s the point? He’s going to pick the seniors and juniors.”

“Yeah, but he really likes you! He wouldn’t have put you in his highest choir if he didn’t,” Wyatt said, “Just try out for one song, for me?” he said with puppy dog pleading eyes. He was really going to get someone with those eyes.

“Fine I’ll give it my all, but only because I can tell you I told you so when Mr. Harson doesn’t pick me,” I said walking around him to the choir room.

“Right… Which one are you doing?” he asked.

“Somebody to Love,” I said.

A sad smile appeared on my face as Wyatt opened the door and began going around and giving people trying out a hearty good luck. The bell rang and everyone got silent.

“Hello class, I’m pretty sure you all know what we do now…” he said. “And if not then where’s the man-eating tiger? Because I can definitely feel the adrenaline pumping.” He joked.

The class filled with nervous laughter as Mr. Harson opened the piano.

“Who wants to go first?”

I looked over at Wyatt and gave him a death glare before he could say anything. One of the seniors raised their hand and went up first singing a solo for Empty Sky. After that a couple more seniors and a few juniors went up. After someone sang for Splish Splash, I sheepishly raised my hand. Everyone looked at me and I resisted the urge to pull it back down.

“Olivia. You’re up.”

I hopped off the bleachers and walked up to the piano.

“What will you be singing for us today?” he asked in a softer voice than before.

“Somebody to Love,” I said, trying to calm my nerves.

“Okay,” he said.

He began to play the song and I missed the intro.

“Sorry, I’m nervous,” I mumbled.

“It’s okay. Let’s start from the top.”

He played the intro again and I sang drifting into another daydream.

I’m on stage at Washington D.C. and the seats are filled up with strangers. The lights are bright and hot but I don’t care. I sing my heart out to convince them I love what I’m doing. The choir does the same and the crowd cheers as Mr. Harson goes into his guitar solo—because he’s cool like that—and we end and get a standing ovation.

I finished my solo and everyone clapped including Mr. Harson. I smiled and bowed and went back to my seat.

“Well, ending on that fine note, there will be more auditions on Wednesday but I think everyone went. Am I right?” He paused. “Who else wanted to go?”

A few other people raised their hand including the sophomore girl. I smiled and the bell rang.

“Girly, you so totally made it!” Wyatt squealed.

“Funny, I was nervous as hell,” I said trying to cover up the little glimmer of hope that he might be right.

Truthfully, I really did want this solo. Every time we sang the song in class and even before that I imagined myself singing this song.

“Yes, but you were amazing,” he yelled, his voice reverberating off the glass.

“You are so biased,” I mimicked his voice.

“Nice job, Olivia,” one of the senior girls said.

“Thanks Sarah, You were awesome on Empty Sky. I hope you get it,” I said, going back to my mock cheer.

“Me too! I love Bruce! Good luck!” she said walking away.

“Thanks!” I turned around to see Wyatt with a smirk.

“That doesn’t mean anything,” I said before he could talk.

“You just got complimented by a senior. Most seniors hate freshmen,” he reminded me.

“Yes but they don’t think of me as a freshman in choir. I’m equal to them,” I argued.

“Which is why, you are a shoe-in. You’re very mature for a freshman.” he reasoned. “Mr. Harson knows that. He’ll pick you because he knows you’re serious about music and won’t goof off too much. And as for talent, you’ve got as much most of the seniors more than me even,”

“No, I don’t,” I mumbled, defeated.

Wyatt’s logic actually was somewhat true. I let the hope rise up and smiled.

“But I guess you’re right,” I said.“My chances are a lot higher than I want to believe.”

“Exactly,” he said walking ahead of me, “I’ll see you on Wednesday.”

I walked to my fourth block smiling.

For lunch the next day I was on my way to tell Sam about the audition but as soon as I walked into the lunchroom I started to get a bad headache. I blamed the stress of well…everything.

“Hey Olivia!” Sam yelled across the salad bar. She walked quickly to my side and was bouncing.

“You’re especially exuberant today,” I commented, rubbing my temples.

“Yeah but guess what?”

“What?” I asked playing along.

“Romeo’s teacher let his class out early and they’re gonna have our lunch! That means I can ask him now!” she whispered excitedly.

“Wonderfu-,” my headache exploded and I unintentionally grabbed Sam’s arm. I opened my eyes and everything felt surreal.

“There he is I’ve gotta go!” Sam squeaked her face blushing.

“Good luck!” I said.

Sam nodded her head and walked quickly towards him with her salad and all. Before she got ten feet, Sam slipped and her salad went everywhere. Misty popped out of nowhere and caught Romeo before he noticed. She began talking to him and they walked the other way. I ran to Sam’s side being careful not to slip and—

“Olivia!” Sam said loudly.

I opened my eyes to see Sam by my side and my headache disappearing. I saw Romeo appearing at the doorway like he did before. Talk about déjà vu, I thought.

“No I’m fine,” I said answering her unasked question.

“Oh good, I thought you might have been having another seizure or something,” she whispered.

“Nah, just a headache,” I said.

“Okay,” she looked over and her face was red, “There he is I’ve gotta go!”

“Wait, let me take that,” I said taking her salad from her. Might as well.

“What for?”

“I don’t know, free hands?” I shrugged.

“Okay, here I go!”

“Good luck!”

Then I saw everything play out like before as if I was in some sort of Groundhog day scenario or… psychic? Thanks to me taking her salad and stalling, Romeo was close enough to see Sam when she fell. I stood there frozen in shock.

“Samantha!” he cried. He ran over and helped her up. “Are you ill?” he asked, concern on his face.

“Yeah, I’m so clumsy,” she mumbled, misunderstanding his question. Her face was nearing the color of a tomato.

“No, there looks to be water on the floor. Are you sure you’re unhurt?” he asked again.

“Yeah, it’s a good thing Olivia took my salad. Ranch dressing would not match with this outfit,” she joked.

“Ah, she tells jokes. Now I know you are not hiding injury,” he said.

“Yeah.” Sam smiled. “Hey, Olivia!”

I blinked.

“Olivia!” She called again. “Can I have my salad now?”

At that, I finally was with it enough to walk over and hand it to her.

“Thanks,” Sam said and I nodded, walking away.

I needed air.

I kept walking until I found the courtyard. I opened the door and started to hyperventilate.

A thousand thoughts were swirling in my head.

What the hell? What was that? I—I saw the, the future. And I changed it. How does that even work? What, how, who—I stared at my hands and tried to make sense of it. Then I remembered.

It wasn’t the first time. The man and the needle. But in my dream, I was him and I stuck a needle in me that I knew would kill me. This was different but still somehow similar? Plus I wasn’t asleep this time. It was like I had a premonition or something…

“Holy shit—,” I said out loud.

“What you find the end to pi or something?” I heard a voice say.

I looked over to see Richard in the corner with a cigarette lit in between his fingers.

“What?” I snapped.

“You look like a scientist who just discovered the world is ending soon. What’s up?”

I had just discovered something big. I discovered I could see the future and it scared me. But I couldn’t tell him that. I couldn’t tell anybody.

“Nothing, I just forgot to do something,” I said. “Are you smoking?”

“Yeah,” he said.

I blinked. “Oh. I didn’t know you smoked,” I said, sounding dazed.

“What? You’re not gonna go all ‘smoking’s bad for you Rich!’ on me?” He asked, mimicking my voice in the worst way possible. It would have gotten a rise of out of me if my mind wasn’t a hundred miles away. “Are you sure you’re okay? Is this about Tyler? Do I need to—“

“No, I’m fine. Just thinking about that homework I didn’t do,” I answered quickly.

“Okay, you know you can talk to me if you need to,” Richard said.

I just nodded and walked away quickly. I really needed to get better at lying. Although it’s really hard to lie to someone who grew up with you. What would I have even told him though?