I Know How You Feel

We let Sam’s mom drop us off early but instead of going inside after she left, we headed to the neighborhood country club to wait until it was actually time.

“Maybe we should just go,” Sam said, rocking back and forth on her peep-toe boots.

She definitely had an eye for fashion that I admired. For the party she was wearing a baggy silver sequined top with skinny jeans. Her hair was down to her mid back with a black flower headband. I just wore jeans, gray converse sneakers and a green button up blouse because it made my eyes pop. Sam straightened my hair and braided my bangs back away from my face. I have to say she was pretty good with the hair and stuff. I rolled my eyes, but realized she couldn’t see me in the dim light.

“Relax, we’ll wait ten minutes and then start walking. It’s never good to be the first ones at a party.”

“How would you know? You don’t go to any parties.”

“I read. Maybe you should try it sometime,” I retorted. I’m sure Sam didn’t realize she insulted me, but she kind of had. The truth hurts.

A silence followed saying that I had won.

“Do you think Romeo will think I look pretty?” she asked shyly.

“Darling as soon as he sees you he’ll want to take you to the nearest couch and deflower you,” I said with a phony Italian accent.

“Deflower? Is that good?” she asked confused.

“Depends on your perspective,” I snickered.

“Wait, what does it mean?”

I told her and even in the low light I could see her face turn red.

“Olivia!” she squealed.

“Sorry, sorry, I’m just hyper,” I said.

“Wait, you don’t think he’s like that do you?” she asked.

“I don’t know the kid, but if it were me, I wouldn’t mind,” I laughed.

“What if he is a player?” Sam groaned.

“He’s probably not. I have never seen him flirt with other girls.”

“Really?” She smiled a little and I rolled my eyes.

“Yes, but you need to be… not shy.”

“I’ll try,” she grumbled.

“Right.”

I saw a line of cars take the turn to Misty’s house.

“Now we walk. Slooowly.”

With my help, we arrived just as the first big group of people came pouring in. We walked in and gawked. The place was huge. I looked for people I knew and saw Tyler almost immediately. Before I could reach him Romeo intercepted.

“’Ello, Samantha,” he said, “Olivia,” he nodded to me.

“Hi,” she said, a small blush playing on her cheeks.

“I’m going to see Tyler. See you later?” I asked Sam.

“Oh, um, sure.”

I walked away leaving them by themselves and snuck up behind Tyler. I covered his eyes with my hands and whispered into his ear, “Guess who?”

“Olivia?” he answered.

“Correct,” I kissed the back of his neck and put my hands down.

“Well, forget what I was going to tell you earlier, you are not allowed to have any fun unless it pertains to me,” he joked.

“What?” I asked confused.

“Well, I was going to say you could pretend you’re single tonight as long as you didn’t leave me for real but now I’m not so sure,” he wrapped his arms arm my waist, “I can let you go.”

“Oh, quit being so doubtful of my feelings for you,” I pouted kissing his cheek.

“You’re right. Besides a party’s not fun unless you play all the games.”

“And I’ll let you pretend too if you don’t leave me for Misty,” I joked.

“I don’t do Barbie dolls with fake tans,” he stated.

“Well, then I guess we’re good,” I said.

He went to kiss me but I backed away.

“Ah ah, you’ll get that tomorrow,” I teased walking away.

I went into the kitchen and grabbed an unopened soda from the table and poured myself a cup. Everything else seemed to be spiked somehow. I could say I was surprised that Misty’s parents were allowing this but, considering they’d allowed her to mess around since she turned thirteen, I wasn’t surprised.

I drank two cups of soda and threw my cup away. I really did not want to have to look after it when there were two hundred more new ones on the table. Walking through the house, I soon found the basement. That was where the dancing and games usually happened in the stories Richard told me. I walked down the steps and my ears were suddenly attacked by screaming punk metal. This should be fun, I thought, wincing slightly as the music somehow got louder.

I looked around in the dimly lit basement and saw a lot of people I knew. There were a few groups in a circle spinning a bottle and another group all trying to put their ear up against what looked like a closet. I looked over near the couches and saw two guys and a bunch of girls all close together and basically on top of each other. I really had no idea of what they were doing and I really didn’t want to know. I could feel the teenage hormones flying in this room and I let myself get caught up in it. I took a deep breath and walked further into the labyrinth to see a grind chain near the speakers but in no way in time with the music. I quickly walked towards the circle and found a few of my school friends—the ones I don’t see outside of classes—sitting in it.

“Hey Olivia, Come, sit,” one of them said. I sat down next to a girl with auburn hair and let out a sigh.

As they spun the bottle I pulled a nervous grin and thought, let the games begin.

“Ok, Olivia its your turn,” they said.

We had been down there for about twenty minutes and I already kissed four guys and been refused—mutually—by two girls. I grabbed the bottle and spun it. I watched it stop at a sophomore girl who had kissed more girls than boys so far. It could be plainly said that I wasn’t getting out of this one.

“Christy,” they said in unison. I hid my face and let out a squeak.

“Just do it and get it over with.”

“Don’t be a chicken.”

“Come on I kissed a guy, you can kiss one girl.”

They all began to apply peer pressure and Christy scooted up closer to me. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and leaned in. As soon as her lips touched mine I tensed up. After the kiss was over my face was that of disgust.

“Oh my gosh, that was so weeeird,” I whispered. I definitely did not enjoy that. There we no sparks or anything like with Tyler. It was like a kiss from my mom but not my mom and definitely more than a peck.

“And gross.” I wiped my mouth on my sleeve and everyone laughed.

“Thanks.” Christy stuck her tongue out at me and I rolled my eyes.

“What do you want me to say? Kiss me again?” I joked.

“Well maybe. Though you kind of suck at kissing,” Christy said.

I frowned at that. “Thanks a lot. My boyfriend doesn’t think so,” I retorted. I was good at kissing. Tyler never had any complaints. I just wasn’t really into this kiss. At all. Maybe it was just the weirdness of kissing the same gender that made me not into it. Growing up it wasn’t exactly considered normal. People made two guys kissing the butt of jokes and two girls kissing just a friendly thing to do. Putting romance behind it seemed silly to me. Darn you society.

I tried to rethink my views on this and after kissing another girl without grossing out but still not being into it, I decided that I definitely wasn’t interested in them that way. Well, that question was answered, sort of. Maybe I was just one of those people that loved boobs. Then I realized, who doesn’t love boobs? I laughed to myself and went up to get more soda. After a few cups, I went outside to get some fresh air. I would say to reflect on my new discovery but seriously I just wanted to breathe air that wasn’t filled with pot smoke and sweat. I took a walk for a few minutes, stopping when I realized someone was following me. I peeked over my shoulder to see Tyler.

“Tyler, what are you doing?” I said letting him catch up with me.

“Following you, baby,” he said. He grabbed my butt and I squeaked.

“Hey quit that, are you drunk?” I asked, shocked. So the rumors of Tyler the handsy drunk were true, I thought.

“Nooo, I just drank some punch but it was gooood,” he talked slowly, his breath stinking of alcohol. “Okay maybe but don’t tell Olivia.”

“Tyler I’m—,” I started but he began to fall and pulled me down with him.

I fell on top of him and we hit the grass. I pulled away and he started to unbutton my top. Pushing his hands away, tried to get up instead he wrapped his legs around mine and I couldn’t go anywhere.

“Tyler, stop,” I demanded.

He went back to unbuttoning my blouse and I smacked his hand.

“Seriously stop. It’s not funny.”

Instead of listening he rolled over on top of me.

“What? I’m your boyfriend. I thought you liked me. Show me you love me.” His words were slurred.

“Stop!” I yelled nervously.

He began to kiss me again but I put my arms against his chest and pushed him away. And I thought it worked but, actually, he was off me for a different reason entirely.

“Get the hell off of her, you son of a bitch,” I heard a voice that I recognized.

In the darkness I could barely make out the features of Richard.

“Hey don’t call my mom a bitch,” Tyler said, snorting at his own joke.

“Shut up,” I heard a thud and sat up quickly.

“Richard?” I said, “Where did you—What are you doing here?”

“It looks like I’m saving you from getting raped by your drunk ass boyfriend,” he growled. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. What did you do to him?”

“Knocked him over. Damn kid can’t even stand. If he could I would have knocked him out, bastard,” he spat, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes, can you take us home?”

“I’ll take you but not him. He can get his own damn ride.”

“But he’s too drunk to stand,” I argued.

“Well, then he can crawl.”

“Rich,” I whined, “Just take him to my house please.”

Richard sighed, “Fine, but if he tries anything in the car, I’ll personally drop him off and let the cops take him.”

Suddenly there was the sound of gagging and I looked over to see Tyler throwing up the contents of his stomach.

“Yeah, I don’t think that will happen,” I said running towards him.

I covered my nose with one hand and grabbed his arm with the other.

“Where are we going?” he asked his voice sounding distant.

I didn’t say anything and followed Richard to his car. We stuck Tyler in the back seat with an empty wastebasket and I decided to sit up front.

“Olivia-,”

“I’m fine,” I snapped at Richard, the shock wearing off. I took a deep breath and tried to evaluate myself. Nothing hurt or ached. Well, except for my heart. “Sorry. I promise I’m okay. He didn’t hurt me. Just drive.”

And so he did. Tyler threw up a few more times before passing out in the backseat. By the time Richard reached my house, I was holding back tears.

Everything had seemed so perfect between me and Tyler. He wasn’t forceful or mean and we were best friends, but this really wasn’t the first time he had gotten drunk like this. This was the first time I saw it in person. Most of the time it was a phone call or a text message. He’d tell me he was drunk and say something rude. I’d get mad at him but the worrying girlfriend in me would stay with him on the phone until he fell asleep. I told him I didn’t like it but I never thought it would affect me this way.

Now that I saw it in person, I realized I couldn’t deal with it anymore. No matter how bad it was going to hurt me, I had to break up with him. I wasn’t the party girl he wanted. I didn’t drink to get wasted. Most of my drinking was with dinner with my family. The one time I overdid it was when my cousins kept sneaking me more wine and let’s just say that ended about the same way Tyler was at that moment. I hated, with every fiber of my being, throwing up so getting drunk didn’t seem worth it to me.

“Hey,” Richard whispered as my eyes filled with moisture, “it’s going to be okay.”

“I just—I’ve never seen him like that before. I’ve heard about it but I thought people were kidding around,” I whimpered.

Richard shook his head, “No Livs, Little Tyler here has been known to get drunk like this at almost every party he goes to.”

I heard Tyler’s words in my head.

After all, a party’s only fun if you play all the games.

I thought he was joking. What a fool I was.

I let tears run down my cheeks but wiped them away quickly.

“Hey, I’m here for you. Just give me a call.”

“Right,” I mumbled.

We got Tyler into my house and Richard left. After I pushed Tyler up the stairs and into my room and into my bed. I couldn’t think of anywhere else to put him without my parents finding out as soon as they walked in the door. I found my eyes growing heavy and I passed out as well.

The next thing I knew I was being woken up by moans of pain and cursing. I opened my eyes and watched Tyler wake up.

“Damn headache,” I heard him mumble.

He sat up in my bed and stretched. Then he froze and looked at his surroundings. A new string of curse words began. He looked over his shoulder and our eyes made contact before I looked away.

“Olivia,” He said out loud and then winced in pain.

I closed my eyes. Of all the things that could drive me to tears, one of them was the look that Tyler gave me. I couldn’t explain it to you even now but I know I’m not the only one who’s gotten a look like that. His hazel eyes were filled with intense regret and anguish. I just couldn’t look at them again if I was going to go through with what I said last night.

“Olivia, I didn’t mean to, I was drunk and I never wanted it to happen that way between you and me,” he whispered.

“Tyler,” I started.

“And if anything comes of it, I’ll take responsibility and be there with you—“

“Tyler,” I cut in, “We didn’t have sex.”

“Oh,” he breathed. His eyes went to my shirt.

I looked down to see that it was almost all the way unbuttoned. One or two buttons could have come undone in my sleep but still, Richard could have said something.

“You almost tried to but I, um, got away and got somebody to take us home,” I said looking down at my pale purple sheets. The realization that he could have “not meant to” have sex with other girls while drunk hit me with a new way of reassurance. “I can’t do this anymore, Tyler.” I choked on the next two words. “We’re done.”

“Wait, what?” he whispered.

I got out of bed and looked through my window. My parents still weren’t home yet.

“Olivia,” he whispered.

“My parents are going to be home soon. You better call one of your friends to pick you up,” I suggested.

“What happened?” he asked. I heard his heavy footsteps walking towards me.

“You were drunk,” I said.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I shrugged it away.

“You really should go,” I mumbled.

“Livs,” he started.

“Go.”

He turned and walked out of room. It wasn’t until I heard the front door open and shut that I started to cry.