I Know How You Feel

Back when I wasn’t telepathic, I used to think my mom could read my mind. It seemed like whenever I was sad she’d immediately knew about it. Now I know it’s because Richard tells her. When she popped up in my room after a long week of not talking to anyone I wanted to hit Richard. I didn’t need any more attention drawn to me. I just wanted to turn into a wallflower that nobody cared about.

“La mia bambina, why are you so sad?”

“Mom, I’m fine. I mean it,” I mumbled shielding my eyes from the light she turned on.

You know in all those chick flicks the way the main character laments over her lost relationship? Well, that’s pretty much how I was acting. I came home every day that week and laid in bed with the lights off and classical music playing. I know it sounds pretty melodramatic but when you realize you could accidentally kill somebody with a glare, and those people could be your best friends, and that you have to forever be alone in the world, then melodramatic seems pretty acceptable.

“Sam hasn’t been over the entire week. What happened?” she asked giving me the classic you-know-you-can-tell-me look. Sam, on the other hand, was handling this like she usually did. She was okay with it. Just like she was okay with her parents divorcing. Okay with Richard sleeping around with every girl he could get his hands on and okay with me ending our friendship. She was always just fine. How did she do it? I wondered. How did she stay so calm?

“Mia—,” my mom started.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I snapped.

“Okay, but know that I’m here for you if you want to talk,” she said sweetly, her patience just annoying me even more.

“Okay,” I said.

She looked at me for a few more seconds and I stared at her blankly. After a long silence, she turned the light off and left. Even without reading her mind, I knew this wasn’t over.

The second attempt came from my dad. Not the best choice for second in line. Although we do have our talks every once in a while my dad doesn’t do girl drama. I don’t think any dad does. Nevertheless he trapped me during our watching of the nightly news that Sunday. I mostly watch it for the celebrity news. My dad likes the debate segments. Usually we talk about the topic they’re discussing while watching, but today, I was silent.

“Livi, are you doing okay?” he asked when the T.V. went to commercial.

“I’m fine,” I said automatically.

“You just seem down lately,” he said as the news came back on.

I pretended to be interested in the Headline News to dodge further conversation.

“The top story for today takes place in New York City. A runway stage was set aflame at the premiere of Gucci’s spring line. Four people were injured with first and second degree burns,” said one reporter. A video of firefighters putting out flames appeared in the top left corner of the screen.

“This wasn’t an accident either. The firemen reported the act was blatant arson and found evidence it was an act of terrorism.” As the reporter spoke, the image changed to a group of people dressed in dirty, tan clothes and holding signs up. One read: “Stop looking with your eyes. Start looking with your heart.” The sign seemed to be harmless but the person holding it gave me chills. That hateful look made me look away. Maybe I wasn’t that much of a monster if people like that still existed in the world.

“This terroristic group was quick to take the blame. They call themselves the People Against Vanity or PAV for short. The FBI has confirmed this group to be a very real threat, asking fashion lines to postpone their upcoming fashion shows while they investigate. Meanwhile, people are speculating that many of the accidents that have occurred on Broadway in the past few months could also be instead acts of terrorism. The FBI has no comment on these speculations but confirm that they will be ”

“As if celebrities didn’t have enough to deal with with crazy fans. Now they’ve got goddamn terrorists after them.” my dad blurted.

“Dad!”

“Oh, sorry. Don’t tell your mother I said that,” he said looking around.

I laughed for first time in a week and my dad smiled at me, deciding in his mind that I was fine. And for a moment I almost was.

Not satisfied, my mom sent in Richard. Or more so, Richard sent himself.

“So when did we decide to become an emo loner?” he asked as he walked into my dark room uninvited.

“Same time you started sending the girls away,” I grumbled pulling the cover over my head.

“Heh, Yeah,” he faded off. I didn’t have to see him to know he was rubbing the back of his neck with a guilty expression.

“I saw her at the dance. You guys really seem… like a couple. It’s so weird,” I mumbled only turning my head slightly so that I could talk.

“Oh yea, Emilee… she’s something,” he said fading off once again. “Wait, why is that weird?”

“I, um, just didn’t see you as the type to have a steady relationship.”

“Wow. Thanks. Does everyone think I’m a player?” he groaned.

“Well…yea.” I sat up and saw a ring of red around him. Maybe if I made him mad he’d leave me alone. “It didn’t seem to matter much to you a few weeks ago.”

“But I’m not. I can be a committed guy!”

I held a skeptical expression even though I knew he was telling the truth. He really liked this girl but of course I had my goal in mind: no more friends.

“Really?” he groaned but then frowned. “No no, I know what you’re doing. You can’t piss me off and make me leave to wallow in your misery.”

I looked up at him and couldn’t help but be surprised.

“That’s right. I’m smarter than I look. That’s the oldest trick in the book for the depressed. Trust me. I know,” he said with pity in his eyes.

He was wondering why I was depressed. I had a nice life going for me. All my friends, my family and—

“Go away,” I snapped. I couldn’t hear his thoughts. I didn’t want to feel his pity. I should pity him that he ever met a monster like me. I had to push away the ones I loved because of this stupid curse. This damn curse.

I counted to ten and tried to calm down.

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

Sev—

“This was a bad idea. She’ll never listen to me. I’m the one that made her like this. Why can’t that European boyfriend of hers see she’s upset? He should comfort her. She never likes burdening others with her problems but it’s times like these when—”

A knock on the door and I already knew who it was. “He really thinks it’s his fault?” I mumbled under my breath.

“What?”

Another knock.

“I’m coming. I’m coming,” he grumbled.

“No. I got it.” I got out of my bed and opened the door to see Tyler.

“Hey, it’s been awhile,” I grimaced as the memory of our last home date flitted through both of our minds. I corrected my expression to indifferent and felt the heat of Richard’s anger hit me from behind.

“Richard, I’m sure you’ve got something better to do than try and get me to talk to Sam. I’ll see you in school,” I said casually.

I saw his hand clench into a fist but he otherwise had no idea what to do.

“If her ex can fix this then so be it.”

And then he left.

“Ty-”

“Olive-”

We both attempted conversation at the same time. I never remembered ever it being this hard to talk to him. After about a minute, Tyler tried again.

“Olivia, I’m sorry,” he said in the most sincere manner.

I sighed, “Tyler, you know—”

“Yeah, I know it’s too late. I just want you to know that I am sorry and that I hope we can be friends again. I realize now that I got a little out of control with my drinking and I’m trying to fix that. I wish we could be together again but it looks like it’s a bit too late for that…”

I wanted to hold up my hand and tell him to shut up. He’s fifteen. He’s not supposed to be so mature and responsible and caring and kind. He really was the perfect guy for someone. Not me obviously, but somebody who didn’t have a curse ruining her life. Someone who could control their anger and not possibly kill someone with a passing glare. Why was he here? I told him to go that night. Why did he come back?

“Tyler, I…” I closed my eyes and smiled. “I want to be friends again too.”

The words piled out of my mouth and I felt my conscious scream at me. This wasn’t part of the plan. Why couldn’t I say no? Why couldn’t I push him away? I couldn’t have friends.

But what about Romeo? And your family?

The thought crossed my mind in a flash. I realized then that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let everyone go. I’d just have to live with the consequences and not get close to many people. But what about Romeo? I’ll leave him soon enough… just not now. My heart was already broken in half from the damages I made.

And soon enough the days passed and I was able to escape the questioning eyes of my family.