Hockey With Benefits

We did our quiz first thing in class, but it wasn’t until after when the TA called my name.

I looked up. My bag was packed, and I was ready to go. “Yeah?”

She motioned for me to come to the front of the class. The professor had already left. “Come here. I want to talk a bit.”

I frowned but went over. I was getting As and Bs on everything so far, on the quizzes, on the test, on the papers due.

“Mara.”

I looked at the door. Wade was there with a question in his gaze, but I remembered Angela and waved at him. “You can head out. I’ll be fine. You don’t have to wait for me.” I didn’t know if that’s what he was asking, but I didn’t want to risk the topic of Angela. I didn’t want to bold-face lie to my roommate, not if I didn’t have to.

He nodded before heading out.

“Mara.” The TA gave me a tight smile, putting her own laptop away in her bag. She set it on her desk and inclined her head toward me. “Field trips are coming up.”

This again? “I’ve been doing well on all my stuff.”

“You have. Yes, but being book smart isn’t always the same as being world smart. Look, I’m not trying to ride you or anything. We had another freshman in the class and when we did our field trips, it ended in disaster. I said it before, but there’s a reason this is an upperclassmen course.”

“You’re judging me because I’m a freshman.”

“Yes. That’s the criteria for this course.”

“What do you want from me? I’m doing everything right in the class.”

“We’re going to the facilities next week. I’m just stressing again how important it is for you to act respectful. The patients there are people. They’re mothers and fathers and daughters and sons and brothers and sisters. Just remember that. You never know someone’s circumstances. You could end up there one day. I could end up there one day. People just, have struggles and sometimes we’re clueless about it. I guess that’s all I’m stressing. The opportunity that Dr. Chandresakaran gives the students means a great deal to me.”

I was seriously so tired of this. I could open myself up, give her my entire life’s resume about how aware I was of what she’s talking about, but I didn’t. That was not her business, no matter what she was pushing on me. “I’ll be fine.”

“You’re doing presentations when you get back on what you learned. I’ll be looking forward to what you learned.”

I almost laughed, because going to that facility wasn’t going to teach me anything I didn’t already know. “Yeah. Me too. Can I go?”

She nodded, a half-smile but also a half-frown on her face. Her problem wasn’t mine, and I wasn’t going to take it on. But as soon as I was in the hallway, I checked my phone and saw a text.

Angela: Could you come over?

This. This I would take on.

Me: Leaving class right now. What dorm and room?

My phone buzzed again.

Kit: I don’t know where your mom is, but word is getting spread around town. My cousin told me that your mom is saying mad shit about you. Saying you came onto her boyfriend when you were like 12. She’s saying crazy stuff.

I stared at the phone, everything beginning to circle around me, until I shut it down.

I couldn’t focus on this crisis today.

Word spread fast. Everyone at Grant West knew about Carrington. They knew he’d been arrested for a sexual assault and no story or rumor was spread about me, about Cruz, or a fight at the beach. It was not spread about who the girl was, and everyone was asking.

Gavin slipped into his seat, and I expected him to ask about the rumors, but before he could, a shadow fell over us. We both looked up, and my mouth might’ve dropped. Cruz fell into the seat on the other side of me. Barclay took the seat on his other side.

“What are you doing here?”

He had a coffee in his hand, and put that on my desk before bending down to dig into his bag. He nodded toward the front. “Class.”

“You don’t usually sit with us.”

He stopped digging in his bag, and turned his head to me. “Saw you earlier on campus and you looked wiped. Don’t be a girl and take offense to that. You’re still hot even when you look like you’re dragging.” His gaze fell to the coffee. “Brought that for you, and this.” He pulled out a bagel, putting that on my desk too.

Barclay leaned forward. “If you don’t want either, I’ll take ‘em off your hand. Practice was brutal this morning.”

I reached for the bagel. “No. I—” My hand closed over it before pulling it out of the bag. I reached for the coffee too, taking a sip. And almost died because it was so good. “How’d you know I love matcha lattes?”

The professor was coming in. He leaned back and gave me a slow smile. “I have ways.”

Barclay started laughing, until Cruz’s hand whipped out. He started coughing after that.

My phone buzzed five minutes later, so I silenced it.

Gavin: You know anything about what happened with Carrington?

Mara: No. The guys aren’t talking in your frat?

Cruz: What’s Gavin saying?

Gavin: They’re a vault. You guys were out there that day. Did you see anything?

To Cruz: Asking about Carrington, if we know anything. Not that I’m complaining, but why are you sitting with us today?

To Gavin: We didn’t get back till super late, or super early Monday morning.

It was a vague answer, but I didn’t want to lie. Not unless I had to.

Cruz: Just time. You’re my girl.

His girl. I stared at the screen, knowing I couldn’t hide a smile or ignore the flutter in my tummy. I glanced up, seeing he was watching me, his eyes soft.

I typed back.

I’ll expect a matcha latte every day now.

He read his phone, and the side of his mouth lifted up.

Cruz: Not a problem.

A shadow flashed over his gaze.

Cruz: You okay? For real. I wasn’t lying when I said you looked wiped this morning.

I could tell him about Kit’s text, but a stubborn part of me wanted to deny it, block it out. That was my mom doing her thing, trying to get to me. Boundaries. I refused to give her a rise about whatever bullshit she was saying regarding me.

Mara: I was at Angela’s all night. Sure I’ll be there tonight too.

Cruz: I’m sorry. That’s heavy.

Another shadow flickered over his face, but the professor began calling on us. We needed to pay attention.

Wade approached me later in the week.

I was leaving the kitchen and heading upstairs to meet Cruz when he called my name.

Zoe was the only one in the kitchen. She grabbed her soup and gave me a little smile before leaving.

“Hey, uh.” He raked a hand through his hair, his head shifting around. “Angela’s not been returning anything from me. I called her Sunday, but she sent me a text saying she was heading out of town with some friends. That’s been it. She did a post on Insta yesterday about studying for the week, but it was a vague post. I know she hangs out at the hockey house, and I don’t know the current status of you and Styles, but have you heard anything?”

Angela had called every day this week, and a lot of those calls were me listening to her cry. I’d been at her dorm room both Tuesday and Wednesday nights, late. I hadn’t talked to Labrowski. I didn’t know what he knew or if he was being there for her. Cruz and I hadn’t talked a whole lot this week except for class where he and Barclay were now sitting by us. It was a permanent change. Cruz brought me another matcha latte, but with a breakfast sandwich instead. No bagel. And after class, he grabbed my bag before I could. He also took off, before I could take it back. He waited for me outside, and refused to hand it back, carrying it to my next class.

My throat tightened up, but, “I don’t know. I saw Cruz in class, but he’s been busy. We’ve not really talked much.”

He eased back, nodding, but his shoulders slumped. “Yeah. Yeah. But, if you do hear something, could you let me know? If she’s giving me the draft, then it is what it is. You know?” He tried to smile, but it fell flat.

“You really like her.”

His head jerked up and down in a stiff nod. “I do. I wasn’t expecting it, but she’s nice. She’s not what I thought she was, knowing she hangs at the hockey house so much.”

“I thought she was a party girl at first.”

“She’s kinda the opposite. Shy and I don’t know. She was different. Is different.”

My throat tightened up all over again because I hoped hoped he’d still think that if he found out what happened to her, because what happened to her wasn’t on her. Everyone is foolish and naive in their lives. I touched his arm. “If I see her, I’ll let her know you’re thinking about her.”

“Thanks. Yeah. That’d be nice.”

I headed upstairs and was just going inside when my phone buzzed.

Thinking, hoping it would be Cruz, I pulled it out.

It wasn’t.

Leander: My bro’s on a tear. Watch your back.

Me: What do you mean?

Leander: I know what happened. He ain’t going after Styles. Too big of a hockey god. He’s going after you. He got drunk last night and started talking. Half the house hates you. Half says to leave you alone. He said you gave the police a video or something. I don’t know what was on that video and don’t want to know, but he’s pissed about it.

Me: Why are you letting me know?

Leander: Because I figure I owe you. You intro-ed me to Susan.

Me: Thanks for the heads-up.

He didn’t reply after that, but my phone lit up again.

Gavin Miller calling.

I answered. “Hey.”

“What the fuck, Daniels?”

My heart sank. “What do you know?”

“I know Flynn is saying Cruz threw a couple punches at him, and then you made up some recording, saying that a chick was accusing him of touching her or something?”

I was not surprised that’s how Flynn was twisting it. “I can’t tell you what’s on the video because it’s not for me to tell, but yes, a girl is on it telling about what he did. And yes, the police saw it and I’m guessing that helped with him being charged.”

“He’s saying you orchestrated all of this. That you got Cruz worked up, said Flynn touched you too.”

“No. I had nothing to do with that.”

My door opened, and Cruz walked in. It took one look at me before his face got tight, real tight. He clipped out, “Who are you talking to?”

“Miller.”

He came over and took the phone from me. “I just walked in, but I heard enough that you’re getting seriously twisted information if you’re blaming Mara for any of this shit. I don’t know what your brother is saying, but he showed up and he started throwing insults as his greeting. Yes. I wasn’t having it, so we had words, but it was only words until he threw a bottle at me and threatened me. I saw the chick with them, saw the state she was in, and he and I had a different sort of exchange. Your boy’s all the way in the wrong here, and I’m telling you right now, right here, that if he doesn’t shut his fucking mouth, the entire hockey house knows what really happened. He should be a lot more scared, if you get my drift. Do you get my drift, Miller?”

I couldn’t hear what Gavin was saying, but Cruz ended the call a few seconds later.

He looked my way, bags under his eyes before he gave me my phone back.

He sat down on the couch, leaning back and closed his eyes.

My heart was aching again, for him this time. “Angela told Labrowski?”

He nodded, not looking at me. His mouth went flat. “She told him everything, and he got her permission to tell the rest of the guys. They won’t say anything, but it’s a line of defense. His story should change when he finds that out.” He looked wiped out before his eyes slid my way. “I kept thinking all week about you.”

“About me?”

“About when you said you had your thing, and your mom made it about her. What’d you mean by that?”

There was a pinching sensation in my chest. “I don’t really want to talk about it. I mean, I don’t need to. I had therapy for that, but…” God. My mom. I felt my throat starting to close up and tried to clear it. “Her and Dad had divorced by then, and the guy who touched me, he was the latest my mom moved in.”

“She didn’t believe you?”

“No, she did, but it was like she didn’t care. She made a whole dramatic thing about it, calling the police. She was sobbing when they showed up, wearing basically nothing, and they had EMS come for her. They thought she was having a heart attack or that he’d hit her. She was screeching, like hysterically screaming. Bloodcurdling screams. The guy was put in a squad car, and I was in the corner of the couch, balled up because I knew I couldn’t leave, but I wanted to just disappear. It took three hours, and a trip to the hospital before they found out the real reason the police were called. One detective asked if I felt safe in the house. I wanted to tell the truth so bad, but I couldn’t. If I did, then she’d be the victim again and it was always my fault. Everything was my fault.”

The memories were coming back.

I said, “One time she asked for forgiveness, for bringing that guy into the house, but she did it in such a way where–” I shook my head, moving down, slumping and curling in on myself. “She took a butcher knife and held it to her wrist, and said I needed to forgive her because if I didn’t, she wanted to die right then and there. That was the one time she asked for forgiveness, like she’d done something wrong, but in how she was doing it, I wished she hadn’t. The rest of the time, it was my fault. My fault for wanting food, for leaving my room, for making myself vulnerable to him, for going to the bathroom, for not having a lock on my door or–”

“Figure it out! You’re a dumb shit so much, but you can be a resourceful little brat. Move your desk in front of the door or something. And it’s not like you even really need food. You could stand to lose a few pounds.”

I quieted, feeling the well opening up inside me.

“What’s happening right now? What are you thinking?”

I shook my head, pushed down the burning in my throat, and hugged my knees to my chest. “I can’t talk about her because there’s no resolution. She’ll never be the mother I want, and it’s stupid to even think like that. She will never change. Ever.” I looked for Cruz. He was on the couch, but giving me space. “After you told me about your sister, I had this moment of clarity. I’ve been struggling coming here, not being with her because… It’s so dumb, but it’s like if I was there, I’d be blamed for everything, but I could handle it or something. Being away, needing to be away, I’m not in control of anything, but I never was. I never am. It’s always her. I can’t explain it. I just–I called my dad on the beach and told him I was officially done with her.”

Cruz cursed under his breath but moved, scooping me up off the couch. He held me to him. I burrowed into his shoulder and neck. He was moving. I closed my eyes, letting myself be carried this time.

I heard the door being locked. The lights went off. He bent, and bent again, and then we were in my bedroom. He moved onto the bed, settling back against the bed’s headboard. One of his arms reached over. I heard a small clinking sound. His arm came back under me, and hoisted me higher in his arms, turning me.

I sank down, straddling him. I clambered up, holding him back like a koala.

His whole body shuddered, right before he rested his head next to mine, his cheek to mine. He murmured, “I don’t know if this is something you need to hear, but just because she’s the mom you got, that doesn’t mean she’s the mother you deserve.”

I inhaled and froze.

Was that what I thought?

Yes. Maybe.

I sat back, looking at him.

He reached up, and ran a hand down the side of my face, to my chin, my lips, and down to my throat. “You deserve everything in the world, Mara. That’s what I think.”

Things were moving inside me, a wall was opening. Cruz was already inside me, but he was creating a bigger opening, and a bunch of fear began to rush up. I clamped that down because he was right. I, at the very least, deserved some healing.

I’d accept that much, for now. But it was a start.

I whispered, “This, you and me, it’s scary as shit to me.”

He started to nod.

I stopped him. “I don’t let myself get close to anyone. But you, you changed the game. I don’t really know what all I’m saying here, but I’m just trying to say thank you and also warning you I’m a mess, but–”

He started smiling during my impromptu speech but leaned in, his mouth touched mine. “Shut up, and same.”

I laughed, my mouth still to his. Nothing else mattered that night.

It was all, just, perfect.

For the moment.

Unknown number: I’m going to kill your mom if you don’t give her what she needs.

Unknown number: Ur a horrible daughter.

Unknown number: U should doe.

Unknown number: Die.

Unknown number: I’ll do your mom and then I’ll come do you.

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