Destroyer

Destroyer 1st P.O.V change

The water has always calmed me. When I would be angry, id goes to the beach, or a community pool. I’d sit underwater for hours and people would think I’d be dead, and get the point I wasn’t human. Seeing the sunshine through the water at the top was so refreshing. It is actually. Then seeing people peer at me from above, They just walk away. Everything underwater is peaceful. The creatures in the water at the beach. If I would kill myself this would be the way to do it. It’s sad to say I’ve tried, many times before and I understand how it was selfish of me to even think about it.

I opened my eyes from the water after hearing some footsteps towards the water. I looked up and saw that it was her. She’s always following me, I know she doesn’t on purpose but the more and more I allow myself to let go our pull is stronger, even if she doesn’t feel it. I do, and it hurts the more I keep it from her and the more I give but it gives me a sense of relief.

I watch as she’s speaking on her phone and she goes to sit down on a chair. The sun is bright so she might tan for a while, allowing myself to leave but I was wrong.

She stood up from the chair, placed her down and walked to the water. I then decided to swim up. The pools deepest was fifteen feet, but for me, it seemed deeper, the more I swam up the more the dread fell over me. I got to the top an flicked my hair back with my hands and heard a quick yelp.

“Are you fucking kidding me!” I grab the edge of the pool and push myself up and out in one go and look over to her.

“Something wrong?” I ask her and she looks very displeased. I couldn’t help but hold back a smirk. She was the best creature the world had to offer, and it gave it to me.

“Well yeah, you’re sitting in the water for fuck knows how long and when I get here you pop up like..some freak or whatever?” As soon as she finished her sentence my mind jolted and I felt her words sting my chest.

“Oh, wait for I’m sorry I didn’t mean to say that.” I knew she didn’t, eat it in that way, but it hurt. She understands why and I wish it didn’t affect me as it does.

“Don’t worry about it. Did you want me to leave? I can if you want me to?” I asked her. I truly didn’t want to, I wanted to watch her under the way and wanted to feel calm then to go to my dark room.

“Oh, no no you can stay.” She told me and I looked at her for a moment, maybe a moment too long. She was in a multicolored bikini and I couldn’t help but stare at her figure. She was thin but it was a natural healthy type of thin and her skin glowed when the sun was high. It seemed as she was a new person each time.

“You can...go back down if you want.” She said to me and I nodded. I slowly slipped into the pool as usual and fell deep to the bottom. I blew bubbles in the water and watched as her feet hit the water and down. She didn’t come directly at me and swam a couple of laps across the pool and then she dropped down.

I could watch as she swam under water and felt that she wanted to come to me. I felt bad, but I let go. It’s the least I could do after lying to her. I sat at the bottom and waited as she made her way to me. I closed the eyes and felt her presence wash over me. I watched as she waved her hand and she flinched back.

I saw that she needed to go for air, but I grabbed her hand and pulled her to me. She gave me a look of shock and I only grabbed her face and placed my lips onto hers. It wasn’t a kiss, but having certain powers was the best advantage I could have. I gave her a temporary breath of air that would last only thirty minutes before she would need to grab air.

She was surprised after and touched her chest. The more I saw her face and the determination to make me hers, I felt horrible. Lying about what it would feel like if I let everything go. Truth is I felt scared...Scared to feel loved. I don’t know what it’s like to feel loved and I’m afraid of it, ashamed to be afraid and ashamed that I feel as if I can’t tell her, but that is on my part.

She grabbed my hand and placed her hand onto my cheek. She tries so hard to love a man that is afraid to, I never understood women like her, so I strayed away from them, but that was a mistake, but also wasn’t. I reached my hand around her waist and pulled her to me.

I could admit, it felt good kissing her. Her lips were crazy soft and it was like sitting in a cloud. Something I’ve done before. She doesn’t deserve me in any way. SHe deserves someone better but I was made for her, God screwed up on that note.

I will have to live with it and try to hope for the best. I slid my hands under her thighs and pulled them around my waist, making her grip around my neck and move her chest to mine. She placed her fingertips to my chin and placed her lips on mine, this time as a kiss. The water had made everything seem slow and I could feel that she needed this.

Each day I seem to get less of a hold on the pull. The more she tries to dig at my insecurities and ’help me through them, I break down. I felt her hands grab at the snatched her hand before she could go any further. I gave her a displeased look and she gave me puppy eyes. As much as I wanted to ravage every inch of her being I couldn’t, I wouldn’t.

I know I wouldn’t hurt her I’m just not sure on the mental toll I would take on her. I let her go but she didn’t loosen her grip on me. I saw in her eyes it was more than sex to her. She wanted a personal connection. She wanted something stronger than the best friend or the current relationship the two of us had an I could feel it.

Yes, I do know I’m being selfish from holding everything from her, I just didn’t know how. I gripped onto her body once more and started to swim up to the top. SHe held on and held her head on my shoulder and when I finally reached air I held the side of the pool and her. She gasped for a moment and moved her head to look at me.

“Why do you...keep doing that?” She asked and I sighed. I didn’t know what to say.

“Because. I don’t think you’re ready for the mental toll.” She flicked my face and dropped her into the pool, jumping out myself I could hear her struggling as she got out.

“You ass!” She screamed and I shook my head as I pulled my hair into a ponytail. I could hear how she screamed in frustration and I walked into the men’s locker room and leaned into the mirror looking at myself as I entered. A sigh was relieved from my mouth. For as long as I could remember I could only see myself as a ruin, ruin for me, my new family, her. I would only bring destruction to whoever I came into contact with. It was a miracle that survived New York.

I closed my eyes and I saw her. The nightmares had died down and now I see her. I see her smile and sometimes we would be together cressy and it’s like a dream. I know the first step is to stop lying to her. How could I do that if I can’t even say the truth to myself?

“This whole mate relationship thing would go a lot smoother if you would stop leaving me behind.” I whipped around and saw that Caroline was squeezing the water out of her curly hair.

“I don’t think me walking away from you screaming is an issue,” I stated to her and leaned with my arms across my chest against the counter.

“That’s not-- okay.” She took a quick breath, seemingly composed herself and placed her hands together.

“I don’t want this. Whatever we’re doing, I actually want something. It really frustrates me when you don’t do anything.” She seemed to get more agitated the more I stayed purely unconvinced and calm.

“Like you take no initiative to take the next step.” I blew through my nose and rubbed my face.

“Do you want me to...tell you what I want to do?” Anything to stray from what I really want to do is the best I could do now. As much as what I was going to say the truth, it wasn’t fully.

“Realy? Are you going to...really tell me what you want to do? To help us? This?” She seemed so eager it hurt my heart. I walked up to her and grabbed her cheeks. She tried to pull back, not really wanting to get close to me but I gently kissed her. If she pulled back more I would stop, not to make her uncomfortable. Instead, she leaned into it.

I leaned down with my lips still pressed into her and wrapped my arm just right under her bum and around her thighs, picking her up and lifting her and placing her onto the counter. She removed her lips from mine and grabbed onto my hands.

“No, you... I asked you to tell me what you want to do, not kiss me.” She sounded stern and at this point, I couldn’t care because I’ve seen most of it already. But this, this sounded different. She didn’t sound stern as she used to but a more of a pleading stern.

I let her go and leaned away from her.

“I can’t give you what you want. I thought you knew that.” She pushed her hair back and got up off the counter.

“I thought having my best friend as a mate would be one of the best things in the world. The fact that you waited till I was at the right age and mature enough make my heart skip beats. That this was going to be good and great and even more, but now I see I’ve made a big mistake believing that. You won’t even let me in. I don’t understand why this is so hard for you to understand. I don’t just want to be kissed or to have sex I want... I want what’s within the heart. And if you can’t see that then think the pair is not okay. It was a mistake.” With those words, my entire balance was thrown on, and then she left.