Dear Heart, You Screwed Me

By the next morning I was unpacked, and I felt so much better about being back here. It felt like home and I didn’t mind the quietness here.

I was wrapped up under the fur throw from the sofa as I looked round my living room. I had only just decorated when I had to leave. The walls were off white, black photo frames hung around the cosy, open planned space. I had pictures of me and Connie, my parents, my grandparents who had passed and of course, I had Elijah. He was always going to be a part of my life; he would always be with me.

I smiled at his photo; we were in Cornwall. Standing at his favourite cove, our favourite cove. It was the morning before he proposed. It was beautiful and completely unexpected. But that’s the thing about moments, they can be so sudden, so random, so overwhelming… so unexpected.

We have no control over these moments, we just need to live in them and enjoy every second of it as we never know when we will get a moment again. Sighing, I reached across and grabbed my diary. Opening it, my fingers skimmed across the pages. I had been writing in this since Elijah died, I hadn’t written in it as much as I would have liked, but you know… life has been a little crazy.

I flicked the pages, reading small snippets and most of them were about Killian.

How crazy he made me.

How pissed off he made me.

How loved he made me feel at times.

How beautiful he made me feel.

And most of all, how he believed in me. Even when he was being a possessive prick.

He was my possessive prick.

Was.

He was.

I turned to the next blank page and began writing.

Dear Diary,

I don’t even know where to start.

I feel like I have fucked up on so many levels, but I couldn’t tell you why.

Okay so maybe, first off, I shouldn’t have got intoxicated and shagged my best friend’s dad. Even though I didn’t technically know he was Connie’s dad.

That was a pleasant surprise on thanksgiving.

Killian drove me insane. He was possessive. He was controlling. He was a walking fucking red flag.

But, I couldn’t stay away from him.

I felt a rage like I had never felt before with him, but the pull that I felt towards him was indescribable.

And that’s the truth.

I can’t even explain how he makes me feel.

I love who I am with him.

I am carefree, I am excited about life again and most importantly… I am happy.

Yes, I have a plan.

I want him in my plan.

I want him in all of it.

But he doesn’t want to be in it. He doesn’t want children, I mean, I can’t blame him. He has a twenty-one-year-old daughter, he is late forties so why would he want to start again…

And kids are one thing I am not willing to negotiate on.

They’re a deal breaker for me, and him for the matter.

We were always a losing game. We were over before we begun. We both knew that, yet we couldn’t stop the catastrophe that was unfolding in front of our eyes.

We were never going to work.

I knew that.

He knew that.

But lately I didn’t want to believe it, I wanted to believe that we could make this work.

And then today, the annulment…

I dropped my pen onto the pages for a moment as I closed my eyes for a moment, and when I opened them, a tear rolled down my cheek and fell into my diary. I choked out, a scoff of a laugh leaving me as I realised how pathetic I was.

Why was I crying over him? Why was I even letting that arsehole have any more of my thinking time? Why was I letting that self-absorbed, selfish prick even have any of my tears? Shaking my head from side to side, I picked my pen up again and began to write.

The cunt didn’t show.

Yes. I used the worst swear word in the history of swear words.

But he deserves it.

He left me there, alone.

He signed the papers and left his ring with a lawyer.

You want to know why? Because he is a fucking coward.

A coward that I am no longer married to… and thank fuck I got out when I did.

Now, he is out of my personal life… except with Connie. But let’s be honest, I just will avoid anything with Killian. And IF she asks, I’ll just tell her that her father is a cock womble and I don’t want to see him.

I’ll just blame it on Adele.

Yes. Perfect.

The bitch Adele.

I bet she is behind it. She hated that me and Killian were together.

I just need to sort work. I’ll stay professional. But I’ll be looking elsewhere.

I stopped for a moment, taking a breather and shaking my hand out. I had cramp from how quick I was writing.

“It just doesn’t make sense…” I whispered to the room, “No sense…”

Picking my pen up I scribbled a few more words.

He didn’t show.

And that was the sucker punch straight through my heart.

The realisation.

The reality.

He didn’t show.