Dear Heart, You Screwed Me

I sat and listened as Connie told me all about Tryst and what they had been up to. It sounded like a whirlwind romance, but she was happy.

“Oh Con, I am so happy for you,” I beamed as I tugged her towards me, cuddling her once more. I felt all warm and fuzzy inside for her.

“Thank you,” she squeezed me before pulling back, “just don’t tell my dad. Not yet… he isn’t the biggest fan of Tryst,” she winced.

“I wouldn’t tell your dad. We work together, we’re hardly friends.” Liar, liar, pants on fire. My subconscious sung over and over. I ignored her. “How does your dad know Tryst? I didn’t think you saw your dad that much?” I furrowed my brow.

“I didn’t, I still don’t. The odd holiday here and there, but he always told my mums he wanted me to know who he was and vice versa. He didn’t want to be an anonymous donor. After my mums picked him, he pulled his sample out of the fertility clinic that it was stored in. He was happy he could help one couple and decided that was enough.” She shrugged, “Don’t get me wrong, he hasn’t been a shitty father per se, just never really made much of an effort until I was manageable and potty trained. He used to drop in when I was a new-born apparently, but that soon dwindled to nothing once his work picked up,” she sighed, “but anyway, yeah Tryst. We went elementary together, then into middle school… blah blah,” she rolled her wrist to indicate they went through school together. “We always dated on and off, but he was the geeky loner that kept himself to himself, and I was in with the popular crowd. We ended up clashing and I was too busy having fun with the girls.” She winked, “then he reached out, asking if we could meet up, have coffee, ya know?” taking a mouthful of wine, her tongue darted out to wet her lips, “so after a lot of uuming and ahhing I gave in and met him, and yeah, the rest is history.”

“Oh Connie, that is amazing. Childhood sweethearts,” I placed my hand over my heart, feeling the thump against my chest. Suddenly, sadness ripped through me. My smile that was once there had now faded.

“Reese?” The concern in Connie’s voice choked me.

“I’m sorry, I’m fine,” I nodded, blinking the sting away that was threatening behind my eyes.

“You’re not fine.”

I sniffed, wiping my nose with the sleeve of my jumper.

“Talk to me,” she coaxed, her voice soft as she moved closer to me, her hand on my thigh.

Nibbling on the inside of my lip, my eyes fell to my lap. My fingers locked together, my heart raced under my skin.

“Reese,” she whispered.

Looking up at the ceiling, I tried to blink away my tears. I tried to ignore the poignant burn that was in my throat. But I couldn’t.

“It’s just, um…” I sniffed, my head slowly dropping forward as I looked at her.

“You’re scaring me.”

“I lost my first love, Elijah.” I whispered, the tears rolling down my cheeks before slipping off my chin. She knew he died, but she didn’t know what happened. “Two years ago, Elijah died while on his way home from a job interview.” I could barely talk, the crushing weight in my chest was overpowering. “He just collapsed at the wheel; I was told there would have been no pain.” I sniffed. My eyesight blurry as the tears cascaded down my face. “It took a while for it to sink in, I just couldn’t believe he was gone. We were childhood sweethearts, engaged to be married, planning our future, our family…” I choked, inhaling deeply as I tried to calm myself down. I had done so well without the tears, but now it was as if the flood gates had opened and I couldn’t stop.

“Oh,” I heard Connie sob, launching herself at me, wrapping her arms tightly around my shoulders as she held me while I sobbed. No words were exchanged, they weren’t needed.

She just comforted me. And that’s all I needed and wanted.

I needed my friend.

The days were rolling into one; my workdays were hectic, my evenings were quiet which is what I needed.

“What are you doing for Christmas?” Connie asked as we walked aimlessly round the busy shops.

“My mum and dad are flying over, what about you?” I asked, picking up a peter pan collared red jumper, holding it up.

“Just with my mums, seeing as I was with dad on thanksgiving, I’ll be with them.” She nodded towards the top, “I like it, it’s cute,” she smiled.

I held onto the jumper as we continued walking.

“What are your traditions?” Connie asked.

“Christmas Eve?”

“Yeah.”

“Erm,” I stalled for a moment, blinking. “Well, back home we spend the day baking with Christmas music playing, then we cosy down with The Santa Clause and drink hot chocolate before getting tucked up in bed.” A laugh bubbled out of me.

“That’s cute,” she smiles as she picks up a gold, sequin number.

“What about you?”

“We all share one present each, then we go for a walk round times square and take in the ambience. Then it’s back home for wine, Chinese and bed ready for the big, fat man.” She winks, holding the dress up against her slender, lean body.

“I like it. And I love the dress, buy it,” I nod at her.

“Why don’t you and your parents spend Christmas eve with us? It’ll be lovely,” Connie asks as she lays the dress over her forearm and continues browsing.

“Let me see what they say, if that’s okay? They get in on the twenty-third and I know my mum is going to be drama with the jet lag,” I laugh.

“Okay, that’s cool. But I hope you can make it,” she shrugs, and for some reason it pulls on my heart. “How was work this week?” she asks as we continue our walk around.

“Eugh, hell,” I sigh, “I honestly think I’ll quit; I can’t stand her. She treats me like dirt, your dad gives in to her every demand…” I stick my finger down the back of my throat and pretend to gag.

“That’s Adele.”

“Well Adele can get fucked.” Pulling my finger out and flipping the shop around me off, I heard a deep rumble of a laugh come from behind me.

Killian.

I felt my skin erupt in goosebumps, my heart thumping in my chest, the air sucking out of my lungs. Connie spun round, her long, brown ponytail swishing against my arm as she did.

“Dad! What are you doing here?” Connie’s surprised voice echoed.

“Just thought I would pop in; I saw your location on my phone app,” I can hear the smile in his voice even though I haven’t turned round.

I inhaled deeply.

“Of course, you did, weirdo.” Connie smirked.

“Reese?” Killian asked, letting out my breath I spun around.

“Oh, hey,” I smiled, waving awkwardly.

His delicious smile spread across his face.

“Can I have a word?” he asked, his voice lower now. “It’s a work thing, I know it’s the weekend but it’s really important…” I could see the hope in his eyes.

I felt Connie’s eyes on me, before they moved back to her dad.

“I mean, I would have called you, but you blocked my number.”

Rolling my eyes, I stepped forward.

“Oh, Mr Hayes!” I gasped, holding my hands over my mouth, “I am so sorry… I’ll unblock your number. I must have done it by mistake! I didn’t recognise the number, I didn’t want just any old perv keep messaging me,” I smirk, walking past him before lowering my voice so only he could hear, “you have five minutes.” I snapped, walking towards the front of the shop. I heard the mutter of their voices as I walked away.

Crossing my arms across my chest, I looked out on the busy pathway, it was heaving with Christmas shoppers. I ordered most of mine online, I didn’t like being in busy places. I made an exception for Connie because I feel like I have been so busy with her dad and work that I haven’t made much time for her. Swallowing, I tried to coat my dry mouth and throat but it didn’t work.

My body reacted to him before I heard him. I hated that it betrayed me like that.

“Brat,” his voice was low, it was like a growl as he stepped behind me. I stilled.

“Connie,” I whispered.

“Connie has gone to pay for yours and her clothes, so we’re alone… apart from the hundreds of people walking past this shop.”

“What do you want?” my voice was shaky, but I stood tall. I didn’t want him to see just how much he affected me.

“I want to see you; you’re freezing me out and I don’t like it,” his fingertips brushed down my arm. I snapped, turning to face him.

“I’m freezing you out?” my voice was a little louder now, rage brewing inside of me. “You froze yourself out when you acted like a pillock,” I snorted.

His brows pinched, he was taken aback by what I said.

“Pillock?” his brows dug in now, his eyes narrowing on me.

“A simpleton, a fool, an annoyance,” I growled, shaking my head, “I don’t have time for this.” Stepping aside, I tried to rush past him to get to Connie.

His hand stuck out, spreading across my stomach, and stopping me. The sparks that coursed through me from that one touch, amplifying my nerve endings. My breath caught in the back of my throat, stumbling back in front of him where he wanted me.

“Don’t run from me,” one of his brows arched.

“Not running, just don’t want to be here anymore,” I said with annoyance, arms crossing across my chest again.

“Oh, Buttercup. You’re such a brat,” his hand grasped my chin, holding it tightly.

“I’ve heard you’re not happy at Lordes, is that true?” he asked, his voice softer now as if he was actually concerned.

I hesitated for a moment, my mind whizzing with how he knew. Connie.

“Yes,” I sighed.

His brows furrowed, his head lowering as he craned his neck.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because it’s nothing to do with you,” my eyes bored through his, his beautiful brown eyes had hints of caramel running through them.

“It has a lot to do with me,” he breathed, his minty breath on my face.

Rubbing my lips together, I pulled his hand away from me and he let me.

“I’ve got to go,” I whispered, I couldn’t be this close to him. He was killing me. Stepping around him, his fingers grasped my wrist and pulled me to face him.

“Reese,” his eyes volleyed back and forth between mine, “come to my office on Monday, unblock my number and I’ll send you the address.”

“I’ll ask Connie, there is no need for me to unblock your number.”

“You’re so fucking petty,” he growls.

“Yup,” I flicked my long blonde hair over my shoulder and walked towards Connie, ignoring the low hum of a growl that came from behind me.

We headed for a small restaurant on the corner of 5^TH avenue. The snow that had settled last week had begun to melt but we were in for another storm over night. Unwrapping our scarfs and coats we piled them on our shopping bags. The warm air from the restaurant nipped at our frost-bitten skin causing our cheeks to redden.

We ordered ultimate hot chocolates, finished with whipped cream, marshmallows and mini peppermint candy canes.

“What did my dad want?” Connie asked as she swiped her finger through the whipped cream and sucked it off.

My shoulders slumped forward slightly.

“He knows I want to leave,” I pinned her with my eyes, I knew it must have come from her.

She bared her teeth to me, a big smile, “You’re not mad, are you? Please don’t be mad,” her voice coming out as a beg.

I wrapped my fingers round my cup, bringing it to my lips as I shook my head, “I’m not.”

“Good, I done it for you.”

“I know you did.”

“What are you going to do?” she asked, swiping more cream.

“Go to his office,” shrugging my shoulders up.

“Maybe he will offer you a job,” she smirked.

“I doubt that, not sure if I want to work with him anyway,” I said honestly, taking a mouthful of the thick, velvety hot chocolate. It was delicious.

“Why?” her brows pinched.

“I don’t know.” That was the truth, I didn’t know. Maybe it was because we were married, we’ve fucked, and that little slither of hope that we did have of taking our relationship to the next level was crushed when he didn’t answer when I told him I wanted a baby in future. “Wouldn’t it be weird me working directly under your dad?” It’s already kind of weird that I work for his company and have Satan as a boss.

“Well, don’t rule it out, okay?”

“I won’t. As long as I am away from Adele, I’ll be happy.”

“Hey! I could get you a job at the hotel if you need a little float between.”

“Thank you hun, I might take you up on that.”

It would help if I couldn’t find anything, and I really didn’t want to rely on Killian to get me a job just because we were married.

“Anything for you my little sugar plum,” she smiled, stabbing a fork into her chips and shoving them into her mouth.

I snorted a laugh as I ate with her.

Walking arm in arm back to my apartment block, I couldn’t feel my hands. It was so bitter out.

“How are things going with Tryst? Any idea when you’re going to tell your dad?” I nudged Connie. I heard her sigh.

“I will, soon,” she nodded, “he probably won’t even remember him, he didn’t like the fact I was dating. He is a little over the top,” she air quoted ‘little.’

“No shit,” I laugh, I knew how Killian could be.

“But he may be okay now, I am older, more mature and sophisticated,” she nudged me back.

“That you are,” I winked, stopping as we waited outside the apartment block.

“I’ll set a date up soon, me, you, Tryst and I’ll sort the blind date out for you,” she winked.

I felt myself tense at the thought of going on a blind date, but I needed to get over Killian, and a date would help that. Hopefully.

“Yeah,” I muttered, looking into the building, “You wanna come up or?”

“I would love too but I have a date with Tryst tonight so need to get dressed.”

“Okay hun,” I pulled her in for a cuddle. “Thanks for today, I suppose I better thank your dad for these too!” I blushed, holding the shopping bags up.

“Don’t worry about it, he offered.” She stepped back and began walking away.

“Have fun tonight and be safe!” I called out after her.

“I will!” she called back before turning and disappearing into the distance.

I waited till she was out of sight before walking into my block.

“Afternoon Reese,” Frank tipped his head as I approached.

“Hi Frank,” I smiled, walking towards the lift, and heading to my floor. I was grateful to be inside the warmth. I had big plans tonight, me, wine and a good film.

The doors pinged when the lift stopped; grabbing my bags I began walking towards my apartment. Once inside I dropped the bags to my feet and shook my coat and scarf off. Ramping up the heating, I froze when I saw a huge bouquet of red roses sitting in the centre of my worktop. It took me a moment to move. Stepping slowly over, I reached for the card sitting in the beautiful flowers. Clasping it between my thumb and index finger, I couldn’t help the smile that crept onto my face.

Reese,

Let’s start again.

I’m taking you on a date.

See you at seven.

K x

The swarm of butterflies that fluttered in my stomach made me feel slightly giddy, or was that the nausea setting me off? Popping the card back into the little holder, I grabbed my bags from the front door before heading to my bedroom to get dressed.

I couldn’t help the niggle that was distracting me, part of me thought this was a disaster, that we should just leave it. But I couldn’t. Something was telling me that I needed to go, I owed it to him and myself.

Putting my new red, peter pan collar jumper on I paired it with high waisted skinny black jeans and doc martens.

I wanted comfort. I had no idea where we were going, I just hope it wasn’t anywhere uptight and stuffy. Hopefully Killian knew that too. But who was I kidding, we didn’t know one another at all.

Pulling my hair into a low ponytail, I applied some lip balm and pulled my beige trench coat on. Checking the time, it had just gone seven. I headed to the front door, walking out and locking up when I saw Killian standing in the hallway waiting for me.

“You look pretty,” he smiled at me, stepping towards me and kissing my cheek.

“Thanks,” I blushed at his words, “thank you for the flowers.”

I took a moment to appreciate the fine specimen of a man in front of me. He was handsome as hell, so beautiful. His dark brown hair was styled to perfection and pushing away from his face. Brown eyes that glistened as they raked up and down my body. A dark grey turtleneck sweater that was covered by a black puffer coat, with black jeans and boots.

He looked delicious.

“Ready?” he asked, holding his hand out for me while looking at my finger that was missing the ring.

“Where are we going?” I asked, lacing my fingers through his.

“It’s a surprise,” he winked, pulling me into him and kissing the side of my head.

I didn’t say anything, tightening my grip on his hand, he led me out to the street. I felt excited, anxious and apprehensive. I was hoping we could have a fresh start; we needed to start over. Even if we were just friends, got our annulment and then continued our friendship. He would always be in my life now because of Connie, and I was never not going to be friends with her.

We walked out into the lobby of the apartment block and past Frank. Killian gave him a curt nod and pulled me into a waiting car at the kerb.

“Fancy car,” I teased as he closed the door behind us.

“Eh, it’s okay,” he smirked, leaning across and strapping me in before seeing to his own seatbelt.

“Going to tell me where we are going yet?” I asked, slightly hopeful.

“Nope,” he tapped the side of his nose as the car pulled off into the busy, evening traffic.

“Spoil sport.”

The silence fell through the car for a moment, it didn’t feel awkward, just a little unnerving. Was he feeling as nervous as I was? The butterflies swarmed my tummy, feeling like it was constantly somersaulting.

“I want us to get to know each other a little better…” he turned to face me, a glint of something showing in his dark pools. “I know you work for me; you know my daughter and you’re British… That’s all I know.” His shoulders shaking softly as a light chuckle vibrates through him.

I nodded in agreement.

“And I know that you’re possessive, a father and my boss…” I knocked my shoulder into him which caused another laugh to leave him. His large hand found its place on my thigh, a soft squeeze letting me know he also agreed.

“So, let’s get to know each other,” his voice was gentle as he looked out the windscreen at the tail of red lights.

“What do you want to know?” my voice was barely audible through the thick tension and the low rumble of the car engine.

My eyes focused on his fingers as they drummed on the steering wheel of his Porsche.

“You like my car?” he wiggled his brows.

“I do,” I laughed, “it’s nice.” I nodded. I knew nothing about cars.

“Yeah? Do you know what it is?”

“Duh… it’s a Porsche,” I rolled my eyes.

“Rolling your eyes again, wife?”

I nibbled my bottom lip trying to stifle my laugh. Was it wrong that I liked rolling my eyes at him?

“And yes, it’s a Porsche… do you know the model?” his grip tightened on my thigh.

“Erm…” I blushed under his assault, “What is this, twenty-one questions?” I quipped.

He tipped his head back and let out a low grumble of a laugh.

“I’m sorry, just trying to lighten the very solemn mood I feel like is surrounding us.”

I sighed. He was right… the mood was off.

“It’s a 911 GT3, I thought you might have commented on my rose gold wheels,” he winked at me, “Connie thinks they’re girlie.”

“I didn’t really pay attention,” I admitted, rubbing my hands together for something to do.

“Well, when we stop, you can tell me,” he smirks, “now, tell me something about yourself, anything…”

I inhaled deeply. I didn’t want to mention Elijah just yet, it was too soon. My fingers rubbed and twisted at the ring on my finger.

“I am half Venezuelan,” I shrugged my shoulders up.

“Mother or father’s side?”

“Father.” I smiled.

“Did you always want to work in public relations?” he asked as the traffic began to move.

“No, I never really knew what I wanted to do. I sort of fell into PR work and just followed it. I used to help my mum and dad with their little bistro too.” I nodded, pouting my lips as I thought back to my parents. I couldn’t wait to see them.

“I see.”

“I’m petty and act like a brat…” the corner of my mouth turned up slightly.

“Well, I know that already,” he winked before turning down a side road.

Blushing, I turned to face out the window, taking in the sights of pretty New York. We pulled into an underground car park, Killian’s car engine roaring round the space.

“Where are we?” I asked, sad that we had lost the Christmas lights.

“A parking lot,” he smiled as he pulled into a car parking space that had reserved under it.

“This space is reserved,” I pointed out as I shuffled to the edge of my car seat.

“I know, it’s my space.”

“Of course, it is.”

“Problem?”

“Nope.” I held my hands up, a smile creeping across my lips.

“Good.” He turned the engine off, leaning towards me and kissing me on the tip of my nose. “Wrap up baby, it’s cold outside,” he whispered, opening his door and rushing round my side. Opening my door, he held his hand out for me to take which I did gladly.

“You ready for our date?” he pulled me into him. His arms snaking around my waist as he held me close, his lips inches from mine. I wanted nothing more than for him to kiss me, to hold me and tell me he wanted to give this a go.

But he wouldn’t.

“I am,” whispering, my hands moved to his chest as I pushed him away. I couldn’t be this close to him. It was if water was filling my lungs, slowly drowning in him.

I began to walk towards the exit of the car park, Killian’s fingers wrapping round my wrist as he tugged me back towards him.

“Hey, why are you running off?” his brows pinched.

“I’m not, I am just excited.” I couldn’t even smile fully, my heart hurt, and I had no idea why.

“Walk with me,” I didn’t know if he was asking me or telling me. I nodded; his fingers laced through mine as we walked together. And for the first time ever, it felt right.

“Any idea where we are going yet?” Killian asked as he watched me.

“No idea,” I breathed, it was a struggle to talk when I was this close to him. He suffocated me.

He tugged me into the busy streets, my hands instantly clammy at the hustle and bustle.

“You okay?” he asked.

I nodded. I didn’t want to tell him this was my worst nightmare; he didn’t need to know. He continued leading me to our destination, I stilled, my eyes widening as we stopped at the Rockefella Ice Rink.

“Ice skating?” I asked, turning to face him, the cold nipping at my cheeks making me blush.

He nodded. “You can ice skate, right?”

“Of course, the question is Mr Hayes, can you?”

“I am a pro,” he said confidently as we went to get our boots on.

We sat down, Killian handing me my boots as I slipped them on. I waited for Killian who was acting like a princess as he struggled to get his feet into the boots.

“Do you need a bigger size?” I asked, biting the inside of my cheek to stop myself from laughing.

“I got my size, I’m a twelve,” he huffed, pushing his hand through his hair as he tried to squeeze his foot in the boot once more.

“You remind me of the ugly sister in Cinderella when she is trying to fit into the slipper that is clearly too small for her…” I rolled my eyes, shuffling towards him and pulling his boot off his big foot. “I’ll go get you a bigger size, old man,” I teased, walking on the blade of the skate boot. I probably shouldn’t be doing this but if I wait for princess, we won’t ever skate.

Shoving the next size up in his face, he took them from me and placed them on his feet.

“There we go Princess, they fit, okay?” I snorted as he grabbed me to stand up and steady himself.

“Fuck off, Reese.”

I cackled as we both made our way over to the ice rink.

I stepped over the small step to get onto the ice, Killian followed and held onto the side the whole time.

I glided onto the ice, stopping, and waiting for Killian.

He stood there, his hands gripping to the edge. I thought he said he could skate, what in the ever-loving fuck was he doing?

“What are you doing?” I shouted across.

“Just getting used to it!” he shouted back, clearly flustered and frustrated.

“Do you need me to hold your hand?”

“No thank you!” he stamped across the ice. My brows sat high as I watched him in front of me, he was like Bambi on ice for the first time. A pro? He wasn’t a pro.

Rolling my eyes, I skated over to him and took his hand.

“Trust me?” I asked.

He grunted in response.

Holding onto his hand tightly, I led him into the ice-skating stream. He couldn’t skate for shit, he was walking, not gliding.

“I swear to God Reese, if I fall…”

“You’ll hit the ground pretty damn hard,” I laughed, “just remember big boy, this was your idea…” I taunted as I let go of him and glided elegantly before skidding my skate to turn and face him.

“Just push your feet forward, as if you’re skating across your beautifully, polished marble floors back home.”

He rolled his eyes at me.

“What have I said about you rolling your eyes at me,” placing my hands on my hips as I teased him.

“Reese,” he growled at me in a warning tone.

“What you going to do? Stamp your way over to me,” I let out a belly laugh.

“Don’t push me.”

“Come on old man, come and get me.” I licked my top lip slowly, taunting him.

And he did. He stamped his way over to me, grabbing me and holding on for dear life before I lost balance and fell, taking the brunt of the fall.

I burst into laughter, Killian laughing with me as he lay on top of me.

“Shit, Reese, are you okay?!” his voice was panicked, his eyes volleying over my face. I nodded, laughing still.

“Well, I didn’t think we would be doing this on our date,” he said breathless.

My laugh died out; our eyes connected as we both locked our gaze.

“We better get up,” I whispered.

“I don’t want to…”

“I don’t think the other skaters will want to keep skating round us.”

“Screw the other skaters,” he growled, his hands cupping my face as his lips pressed into mine.

My heart swelled in my chest, my hands entwining in his hair as I tugged, his groan vibrating through me as our tongues danced with each other’s.

“Killian,” I breathed, breaking away, “we need to get up.” Trying with all my might to shove him off me.

He gave in, pushing himself up onto his knees. He held his hand out for me to take, pulling me up, I managed to push myself to my feet, but Killian was still on his knees.

“I need help,” I saw his cheeks blush.

“Do you now?”

“Reese don’t start…” he sighed, but I could see the amusement dancing in his eyes. I held my hands out for him to take, he weighed triple of me, I don’t know how I was going to help him.

With a lot of failed attempts, I finally got him up.

“Jesus,” he panted, undoing his coat, “who’s idea was it to come ice skating?!” he said, wrapping his arm round my shoulder and pulling me towards him and kissing the side of my head. “Let’s get these death traps off our feet.”

Once we were back in our own shoes, I began walking back towards the car when Killian stopped me, shaking his head from side to side.

“We’re not done yet,” he winked, pulling me next to him. We headed back towards the ice-skating rink, but this time we walked alongside it.

“See how elegantly they’re all skating?”

“What’s your point Reese?”

“You didn’t look like that… I thought you said you were a pro.”

“I’m a pro spectator,” he snorted which caused a laugh to bubble out of me. Killian stopped me, turning me to look at the Rockefeller tree, I was stunned. My eyes slowly moved up the tree, taking in every inch of it. It was truly breath-taking. I have seen it on television and in films so many times, but actually standing in front of it, seeing it in person was something else.

“Wow, it’s beautiful,” I whispered, that’s all I could manage. Words failed me.

“I know right,” I felt his stare on me. After a moment, Killian’s hand wrapped around my waist as he moved behind me, his face nuzzling into my neck as I felt him inhale my scent. “But it’s not as beautiful as you.”

My skin erupted, a shiver dancing up my spine causing the hairs on my arms and neck to stand tall. I couldn’t explain how he made me feel. I knew it was wrong to feel anything towards him, but I couldn’t stop myself.

We were so wrong for each other.

But the pull towards him was too much for me to ignore. Turning around to face him, I had to catch my breath. I don’t think I would ever get over just how beautiful he was. My fingers brushed against his stubble that was dusted over his jaw line, the friction making the tips of my fingers burn. My hands clasped his face, pulling his lips down to meet mine. I wanted to be strong and fight the urge, but I couldn’t. Even if this was our last kiss, our last date, our last moment of just us. I wanted it to be here. In this picture-perfect moment where nothing else in the world mattered apart from us two.

“I never want to stop kissing you,” he whispered against my lips before covering them again.

My heart skipped a beat. I felt constricted.

“The feeling is mutual.” Pulling away from him, I sucked my bottom lip in, “but this will never work, Killian.” The prick of tears formed behind my eyes, but I blinked them away. I didn’t want to cry.

His callous thumb rubbed against my cheek, brushing a lone tear that ran down.

“We can make it work,” he whispered.

I shook my head from side to side.

“I can’t do it to Connie, we can’t do it to Connie; and that’s without going into any of the other reasons.” The familiar burn coursed down my throat; my lungs tight as I gasped for air. It felt as if a steel pipe had been thrust into my windpipe.

Killian just nodded, his hand still cupping my cheek before he stepped towards me, his lips pursing before placing them onto my forehead. He lingered for a moment; my eyes closed as I felt the tears begin to fall. And this time, I didn’t stop them.

“Come,” he said softly, taking my hand and leading us away from the Christmas tree.

I didn’t know where we were going, I just hoped it wasn’t home yet.

We sat in a cosy, tucked away coffee shop. The smell of the coffee beans drifted through my nose. Behind the counter there was fresh cakes and pastries as well as an assortment of little chocolates.

Killian walked back to the table with two fully loaded hot chocolates. I smiled and took mine from him as it warmed my hands.

He shrugged his coat off and laid it next to him on the free seat next to him in our booth.

“Let’s talk,” he reached across, taking my hand and rubbing his thumb across the back.

“What do you want to talk about?” my smart mouth working quicker than my brain.

“Everything. I said earlier, I want to know everything about you,” he smiled.

I nodded, inhaling deeply as my eyes fell to the melting whipped cream on my drink.

“Okay,” breathing out my held breath, trying to calm the firework of nerves that were exploding inside, my heart jack hammering in my chest. “So, you remember when I said I was supposed to marry someone else?” I still didn’t lift my eyes, I couldn’t look at him, so instead I focused on my drink, watching the cream slowly melt into the thick, brown liquid.

“Yeah,” his voice was low.

“Well, I was engaged to my childhood sweetheart, Elijah.” I felt the needles prick behind my eyes, but I was determined not to cry. I could do this.

“What happened?” he asked before I could continue.

“He passed away two years ago; he was on his way home from a job interview. He had worked so hard to get to that point, to take the next step he needed for his career. He text me to tell me he was leaving, but he never showed up. Next thing I knew, I had the police on my doorstep telling me that he had died behind the wheel. They told me he died of sudden death syndrome, no explanation, no reason. Elijah was a health freak, gym five days a week, always ate clean…” I felt the wobble of my bottom lip, but I ignored it. I needed to get through this story without crying. “I didn’t believe it, I kept asking if he was okay even after the police officer told me he had been in a fatal road accident. No one else was harmed, but my Elijah didn’t make it.” I sniffed, blinking away the pool of tears that were beginning to fill my eyes. “We had planned our lives, we were trying for a baby but because of his job plans, we put it on hold for a few months… we never got the chance to become a family.” I swallowed the apple sized lump down, my eyes still cast down. “He was the love of my life, I never thought I would move on…” but now I lifted them, my watery gaze catching his stare and holding it.

His own eyes were glistening with unshed tears.

“Until…” he swallowed.

“Until…” I nodded.

The silence crashed over us, the tension thick in the air. My eyes fell back to my hot chocolate, the cream completely melted into my drink now as the marshmallows bobbed up and down.

“I’m sorry Reese.” Killian’s arm stretched across the table, his fingers wrapping around my wrist.

“It is what it is,” my eyes flick back up to him, I am sure I can feel my heart cracking all over again, the guilt eating me up.

“Don’t say that.” Killian shook his head.

“What?” my brows dug in as I furrowed them.

“Don’t say ‘it is what it is’.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re accepting that what happened is okay.”

I yanked my arm away from him.

“That’s not what I am doing,” I snapped. “I have accepted what happened, I haven’t accepted anything more than that. Anything anyone does to me now doesn’t bother me as much as losing Elijah. People may hurt me, Killian, people might make me cry, but I won’t beg anyone to stay, I won’t beg for anyone to love me. Don’t love me? Fine. If they want to leave? Leave. I am broken, Killian. There is nothing that can hurt me as much as Elijah dying did. I have accepted that this is my path, this was my fate, it is what it is.” I steadied my gaze, not blinking or breaking contact with him for a second.

“That was not your fate Reese, this right here is your fate. The moment you’re living in now is your fate. I believe you make your own fate; I don’t believe your life is mapped out for you. It’s bullshit. You either want to grab life by the balls or you let life royally fuck you over. I chose the first option. You don’t think I haven’t had my fair share of ‘it is what it is’ moments? I’ve had a handful. But I chose to go against the grain and changed my mindset.” I saw the clench in his jaw, his eyes narrowing on mine.

“Bully for you.” I threw myself back into the booth sofa, crossing my arms.

“Reese…”

“What?” I quipped.

“Don’t act like this… I was just trying to make you see things how I see them.” His voice was soft as he continued, “What happened to…” he stalled for a moment, his eyes searching mine as he waited for my acceptance to say his name. I nodded softly. “What happened to Elijah was devastating. No one should have to go through losing the love of their life… but it has made me understand you that little better. Selfish of me, I know.” He sighed, rubbing his stubble, licking his lips, “Can I take you home?”

I could feel he wanted to say more, but maybe he was scared of crossing the line.

“Yeah,” I whispered, grabbing my coat from the side of me and slipping out of the booth. I shrugged my coat on and waited for Killian. He threw some dollars down, took my hand and we walked to the car.

The snow was falling around us, the air was bitter.

“You didn’t tell me anything about you.”

I felt his grip tighten on my hand.

“Let’s save getting to know me for another night…” he turned his head, looking down at me as he smiled.

I nodded. I had overloaded him tonight.

But we both knew this was the end.

We both knew we were a losing game.

There wasn’t going to be another night.

We only had tonight.

And I wanted to remember it all.