Dear Heart, You Screwed Me

Why am I crying?

Frustration filled me; my eyes raw from the tears that have been shed. I have no right to cry, it’s not like we promised each other forever and always. We got drunk, got married and hooked up a few times. I knew we were wrong for each other; this was never going to be more than what it was.

An accidental marriage.

Of course, he wouldn’t want kids, he was forty-five. He had a twenty-one-year-old kid, why the fuck would he want to become a dad again now?

I was angry with myself. Why did I tell him? I could have just kept my stupid mouth shut and lied, but no, I had to tell him I wanted kids. There was a part of me deep down that thought we could give it a go, but then who was I kidding? We were never going to work.

We were completely different ends of the spectrum.

Did it matter that whenever I was with him, my world was like looking into a kaleidoscope? The burst of colours that I had never seen before, everything was so black and white until him.

Until him.

Guilt and grief crushed me. I shouldn’t even be feeling like this. I had Elijah. I loved Elijah.

Loved.

Elijah wasn’t here anymore. Elijah hadn’t been here for two years and yet my heart still stung every time I done anything remotely close to moving on.

Maybe I wasn’t meant to move on.

That wasn’t in the plan.

The plan was to do this by myself, for me, for Elijah. Become the best mum I could to a baby that he couldn’t give me.

To a baby I couldn’t give him.

The burn in my throat was too much, the lump felt like it was choking me.

I had fallen into self-wallowing, and when I had no tears left to cry, I fell asleep.

The week at work passed in a blur, every time I heard the office door go my heart jumped and fluttered at the hope of it being Killian. But it wasn’t. Of course, it wouldn’t be Killian.

I told him what I wanted.

He didn’t want it.

He never did.

He saw me as a hot piece of fluff that he could tap and own when he wanted too. He didn’t want anything more than a fling.

Flings seem fun, but not when you start catching feelings for a man you shouldn’t. He was out of bounds. We needed to end the relationship that we had going on anyway. It wasn’t fair on any of us, especially not Connie.

Walking to the subway, I caught my train and headed home. Me and Connie were having a wine and Chinese night tonight. I had a deadline due by Monday and Adele had been even worse in the absence of Killian. She had been hard to work under, putting unrealistic pressure and deadlines on me. I was still no closer to getting my new job title that she had promised if I signed Harlen.

Harlen was due to start in a couple of weeks, but little old me was still being Adele’s dogsbody and truthfully, I was fucking sick of it. I just didn’t know how much more I could stick it out.

Moving thousands of miles away from my family and Elijah for what? An empty promise of a job that was never coming.

Tapping out of the subway, I walked home in the arctic weather. We were meant to be getting snow here over night and I was excited. I couldn’t remember the last time we had snow in December back home in England.

Nodding my head to a near frozen Frank, I stepped into the warm apartment lobby and headed for the lift. I always get nervous walking into the building now knowing that I could cross paths with Killian at any moment. He had kept his distance, and as much as I may be hurting a little, it was needed.

The distance will only shut down the feelings that I feel for him. It was just a crush, but then again, I don’t even think it was a crush. Just a sexual connection.

Like petrol and fire.

Burn well together but only to cause cataclysmic damage.

Unwrapping my scarf and letting it hang, I dropped my long, puffy black jacket from my shoulders and hung it up over the top of my scarf. I felt frozen to my bones. Checking the time on my phone, I still had an hour before Connie came over. I wanted a hot bath and I needed to video call my parents. It felt like it had been forever. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I held my phone up waiting for it to connect.

“Reese, mi amor!” My dad beams into the phone.

“Hey papa,” I smile, but it doesn’t quite meet my eyes like it normally would.

“Qué equivocado, mi el amor?” his brows furrowed, the look of worry etching his face.

“I’m fine pap, honestly dad. Just work, it’s kicking my arse.”

“Well don’t get too stressed out, work is meant to be enjoyable, you should work to live, not live to work.” A small smile pressed into his lips.

He was right.

“I know,” I puffed out, “it’s just my boss promised a promotion if I got Harlen on the books. I got Harlen on the books and still no promotion. Every day I go in to ten tonnes of shit-”

“Language!” my mum scolded. I might be twenty-seven, but I still didn’t like cursing in front of my parents.

“Sorry,” I winced, “ten tonnes of work on my desk. I am basically her personal filing cabinet.”

“I’m sorry Princess,” my dad’s words pull at my heart, the sting pricks behind my eyes as I try to blink away the unwanted tears.

“It’s okay,” I laugh, palming my eyes, “it’s just not what I thought it was going to be, part of me just thinks I should pack up and come home. There is nothing here for me, well, apart from Connie.” I smile, but how long would I have her once she found out about me and her dad?

“You are not coming home Reese!” my mum shouted in the background, banging and clattering round. I saw my dad look to the side before the phone was ripped from his hand. “You listen to me Reese Gloria Hernández, you are not getting on a plane and coming back home. We miss you; we do. But you have so much more to aspire to out there. Don’t come back to settle for working with me and your dad. You deserve so much more.” Her voice softened considerably now, “Don’t give up because of some bitch. Go in there and show her what you’re capable of, and if she doesn’t pull though, fuck her off.”

I snorted a laugh, wiping the stray tear that had escaped and rolled down my cheek. My mum hardly swore unless something really got to her, and I guess Adele got to her. I mean, she got to me. She was like thrush; a fucking irritant.

“Don’t stop following your dream because of one person,” she smiled, her own eyes glistening.

Truth was, it wasn’t just one person. It was two.

“I won’t,” I sighed. She was nattering away when I heard the buzzer go, making me jump.

“Who’s that?” mum asked.

“Connie…” I looked at the time on my phone, my brows digging in, “I think…” she was early. Connie was never early.

“Go on love, I’ll speak to you tomorrow.”

“Okay Mum, bye, love to you and Dad.” I blew a kiss into the phone at my parents before cutting it off and throwing it on the bed.

Skipping to the door, I swung it open to see Killian.

Not today Satan.

Shoving the door shut, I slipped the chain across.

“Go away, Killian!” I shout through the door.

“Reese, please,” he begged, I felt my heart clench for a second before my walls were back up.

“Nope,” I replied, turning my back and walking towards my bedroom, slamming the door.

Take that Killian Hayes.

I wasn’t giving in. He was the one that acted like a complete dick when I told him I wanted a baby.

He could have let me down gently; fuck I don’t think I would have cared if he ended it right there with me. But the fact he said nothing, he kept his mouth shut, that’s what hurt the most.

He banged on the door loud, over and over but I didn’t care. He could bang to his little heart’s content. His daughter would be here soon, and he would have to explain why he was like a possessed angry caveman trying to smash my door down.

Awkward.

Padding back to the lounge area, I connected my phone to my Bluetooth and played abcdefu – GAYLE. I turned it up so loud, just in case he didn’t get the message. I danced in front of the door, flipping it off as I sung the song at the top of my lungs.

Shaking my hips, I walked to the fridge and grabbed the bottle of white wine. Biting the rubber cork out the top with my teeth, I took a big mouthful. I wasn’t going to cry over him anymore.

We were done.

Finito.

Over.

Maybe I would cry over his beautiful dick. But that’s the only tears that would be shed.

After a while, the banging stopped completely. I had to show him that I wasn’t a pushover. I knew what I had to do, and he wasn’t going to steer me in any other direction other than where my dreams were.

The buzzer went again, smiling I ran for the door, peeping through the peephole and getting excited when I saw Connie with the Chinese and more wine. Sliding the chain across I opened the door, throwing myself at her.

“Woah, hello to you too,” Connie laughed as she stood her ground.

“Hey,” I beamed, taking the Chinese from her and walking into my apartment.

“Having a little party for one, are we?” she winked, placing the wine bottles down on the side.

“Yeah, why not?” I shrugged as I fisted the bag and pulled out the cartons. “You okay?” I asked as I lifted my eyes from the bag to look at her.

“Yeah, I am,” she blushed; I knew that blush… that was a very good blush.

“Good,” handing her some chopsticks, we sat in light conversation while we ate. Mainly about me and how much I disliked Adele.

“Just leave her ass, she doesn’t deserve you,” Connie sighed, shaking her head side to side. “I don’t like her either, she is always sniffing round my dad. It’s weird.” I stiffened at her admission. So she knows that they’re close.

“Were they together or something?” I asked, trying not to seem too desperate to know.

“No, well, I don’t think so,” she shrugged, “I wouldn’t know, to be honest. I just know she is a like a fly round shit.” I snorted. “He helped her start the company you work for, it didn’t even click with me when you mentioned Adele before,” she looked at me slightly apologetic. “She just doesn’t let up. I honestly think she is one of the reasons my dad has never settled down. She is so prominent in his life that no woman can stand it,” she shoved an egg roll into her mouth, her eyes watching me. I didn’t want to let on that I was involved with her dad. Was being the appropriate word.

“Seems that way,” I agreed, suddenly losing my appetite. “So, what is the reason for the beautiful smile that has been plastered on your face from the moment you walked in the door?” I poked her, “Or should I say, who is the reason…”

She blushed, helping me tidy up before we collapsed onto the sofa with a bottle of wine.

“Spill all, I don’t want any detail missed out…” I winked at her, sipping my wine.

I heard the blissful sigh leave her before she started giggling.

“Well, first off… don’t be mad, okay?” the slight twang of her accent warmed my heart, I loved her voice.

“Why would I be mad?” pinching my brows, I pushed my shoulders back, my back going up slightly.

She rolled her eyes, “For not telling you sooner.”

“You’ve been too coy and secretive, it’s kept me intrigued. It is unlike you to bite your tongue…” I let out a small laugh.

It seemed like she let out a sigh of relief, she looked at the ceiling, smiling before her eyes met mine again.

“Tryst,” was all she said.

“Tryst!? From Chord?” I shrieked.

A laugh bubbled out of her before she shuffled forward and hugged me.

“Do you know how good it feels to get that out?” she said relieved as she hugged me tightly, “I really thought you were going to be angry with me.”

I shook my head, my own arms squeezing her tightly now, “I could never be angry with you. Ever.” I whispered, all of a sudden, a guilt ripping through me. I needed to tell her; we both did. I swallowed hard, my throat dry.

“Connie,” I whispered.

“Yeah?” she asked as she let me go and sat back into the sofa.

“I…” I clammed up, my throat going tight, I couldn’t do it. I felt like I was suffocating. She sat there, waiting for me to spit out whatever it was I was trying to say, but the words never came.

“I love you,” I smiled, my cheeks pinching with red before I pulled her back into me. I was a fucking coward.

“Ah, boo, I love you too.”