Dear Heart, You Screwed Me

TWO YEARS AGO

I pace up and down our small, boxy apartment. After five steps, I was at the other side of the apartment.

Elijah was due home any minute. He had a job interview this afternoon. He had been preparing for months. This was a big deal. It wasn’t some small, two-bit job. He was hoping to climb the ladder in the stock market. He has had to kiss arse for two years to even get a little bite from the top guns.

And two weeks ago. He got it.

This would change our lives, financially. Home life would be harder, what with the late evenings and early mornings. He had to be dedicated to the job first, not me.

But that was okay.

I loved his drive and passion for his work, and I can’t wait to have that drive. I just haven’t been able to land anything yet. Sure, I went to university, I knew what I wanted to do, but I just haven’t found my dream job.

I studied business and economics as well as English literature and public relations. Truthfully, I only chose English literature because I love reading. I enjoyed doing the PR side of things, so who knows. Maybe that’s my calling.

Looking back over my shoulder I look at the small round table that sat between the small kitchen and lounge area, the candle flickering in the dimmed room. The table was set, a low hum from the oven filled the room as I tried to keep the dinner warm. I wanted to make a congratulations dinner, whether it was a good interview or not, I was still proud of him. I went back to pacing the floor, I was nervous, excited, apprehensive. I also felt sick to my stomach at the thought of him not getting this job. I stilled, turning my head to look at the long, skinny mirror at my reflection. I was wearing a low-cut black tee that was tucked into my high waisted skinny jeans. I would normally be in my pyjamas now, but not tonight. Everything had to be perfect.

The darkness began to draw in, it was the middle of October, and we were finally losing the lighter evenings which I hated. I loved the winter, just not the darkness that came with it.

My phone buzzed with a message from Elijah. My heart skipped a beat, my pulse quickened as I read it, the smile growing on my face.

He smashed it.

Half an hour had past; my brows furrowed as I looked at my phone, opening the text from Elijah once more.

Just leaving babe. It went well, love you x

My heart began to pump a little harder than normal, the blood rushing through my veins. I was an over thinker, I panic at every, little thing.

I rub my clammy palms down my jeans as I sat at the table. The candle beginning to dim before completely going out. My leg was shaking up and down, my fingers drumming on the table as I tried to calm the nerves. He had to get the train from the city, then drive the lanes from the station. It shouldn’t be taking this long though.

An hour later and still nothing. Shit.

I text Elijah’s friend, I wanted to know if he had heard from him, but he hadn’t spoken to him either. I even messaged his mother, but again, she had heard nothing. I had debated whether to or not, but I had to ask. But of course, she was now in full panic mode with me.

It was dark outside, the rain and hail drumming down on the window pane, a sound I normally found comforting, but now it only filled me with dread and fear.

I picked my phone up and tried ringing him, I don’t like to call him while he’s driving, but needs must. And this was a must.

It rung and rung before I was hit with his voicemail.

Hey, it’s Elijah. You missed me, leave a message and I’ll call you back!

I cut it off before trying again.

Nothing.

I hold my phone in my clammy palms, standing from the table and pacing the floor back and forth once more.

I jumped when I heard a knock on the apartment door, throwing my phone down on the sofa I rubbed my clammy hands back down my thighs once more.

Please be Elijah. But then if it was Elijah… why was he knocking.

Stopping at the front door, I look through the peep hole and see two police officers. One male. One female. Hats under their arms.

Even though deep down inside I knew what was about to come, nothing could have prepared me for what they were going to say.

My trembling fingers locked round the handle as I pushed it down slowly and opened the door. A solemn look on their faces. My heart sunk.

“Are you Ms Reese Hernández?” The male officer asked softly, his eyes not leaving mine.

I couldn’t speak, I was rendered speechless. My heart skipping beats in my chest. I could hear the blood thrashing through my veins, before it pumped loudly in my ears. The air being snatched from my lungs. I could hear the humming of the male’s voice, but it didn’t make any sense. I couldn’t hear anything. It all blended into one. My eyes lifted to see the female officer move towards me, her hand rubbing up and down the top of my arm in a comforting manner.

“Reese, are you okay?” her voice was soft and calming.

I nodded numbly. I edged back and let them step over the threshold of our apartment.

I stood for a moment, a million thoughts whizzing through my head.

“You should have a seat.” The male officer extends his arm and ushers for me to sit on the sofa.

I nod again.

I do as they ask, sitting on the edge of the sofa, my fingers knotting in front of me.

“We’re so sorry to tell you that your partner Elijah Moretti has been involved in a fatal car accident. No other vehicles were involved.”

The air was snatched from my lungs, my tears burning as they fill my eyes, my throat filled with an enormous lump that no matter how much I try to swallow, I just can’t get rid of it.

Fatal accident.

“Is Elijah, okay?” I ask, my voice a whisper as they left my lips. The hot tears rolling down my cheeks.

The female officer turned her head to look at her colleague, her poker face slipping before she turned to face me. She moved off the sofa, dropping to her knees and taking my hands in hers.

“Reese,” her voice was low, “Elijah was in a fatal accident.” She repeated the words.

“I know,” I nodded, the tears still flowing. “But is he okay…” as soon as I finished my sentence, her words hit me like a steam train.

Fatal accident. Those words float through my head once more.

Fatal.

He isn’t okay.

He didn’t make it.

He was dead.

That’s when it really hit me. The pain that seared through me was as if someone had twisted a knife deep into my stomach before pushing it into my lungs so I couldn’t breathe. My eyes widen as I fly from the sofa, my hand moving to my mouth as my fingers tremble against my lips. Then came the pain in my heart, it felt like my heart was being held, fingers gripping tightly before squeezing it and stopping the blood from pumping into it.

My legs were shaky, buckling beneath me before I fell to the ground and let out the most horrific scream that echoed and bounced off the walls of my tiny apartment.

I even scared myself.

My Elijah was gone.

Out of my life.

Forever.

And I was never getting him back.

I sat on the sofa wrapped in a blanket, my parents and Elijah’s mum, Vienna, were also here. My mum, Liz, handed me a hot cup of tea. My shaky hands took it from her, my opal eyes not lifting as I looked at the strong brew. The burn from the cup felt good on my numb skin, I just wanted to feel something.

Anything.

But I was dead inside. I didn’t feel a thing.

“Drink up sweetie,” my mum gave me a sympathetic smile. I turned my head slowly to look at Vienna who was a complete mess as she sobbed on the sofa. My mum wrapped her arm around Vienna as she tried to comfort her.

My pain is indescribable, her pain must be catastrophic.

I stood in the chapel of rest. My mum offered to walk me in, but I shook my head. I needed some time to be alone with Elijah.

To say goodbye.

We found out a couple of weeks after the accident that Elijah died of sudden adult death syndrome. He was healthy and fit, there was no reason as to why this happened.

I suppose it was just one of those things.

It is what it is.

Silence consumed me; my eyes fixed on a peaceful Elijah’s face. He looked like he was asleep. His lips were stained in a light pink, his cheeks looking just bitten as such. They put a little make up on them to make them not look as, well, dead? I shiver at the thought. I knew he wasn’t here anymore. This was just his shell that protected his beautiful soul.

I let out a deep sigh, shuffling forward as I held his hand. A small gasp left my lips as the coldness of his skin vibrated through me. I just wanted to wrap him in a blanket to keep him warm. I hated that he was so cold.

“Elijah,” I choked out, leaning my body over him, and sobbing into his outfit that he was due to be cremated in. How was this fair? Why was he taken away from me? We were meant to have forever, me and him, him and me. But now, it was just me.

Uncontrollable sobs leave me, I didn’t want to leave him here all alone. He must be so cold, the same thought whirling around in my head repeatedly. I choke out as I lean up, my eyes wandering round the warmly lit room. They make it look so welcoming in here, but it’s anything but. I palm my cheeks, trying to rid them of the tears that continue to fall.

My eyes move back to Elijah.

“I love you so much baby,” I whisper, a couple of stray tears that I missed fall onto his white shirt that I chose for him. My fingers ran through his black hair, he used to love me doing that when he was tired from his day. What I would do to see his dark brown eyes once more, to hear his voice tell me he loves me. What I would do to feel his lips on mine for one last time. My heart obliterates.

I try to link my fingers through his, anything to just feel close to him again. But it was almost impossible.

I was living in my own hell, and I was scared I was never getting out of it.

I heard the door close softly behind me, my head snapping round to see my mum walking towards me with a small smile on her face.

“It’s time to go.” Her voice was quiet as she wrapped her arms around my shoulders.

“Not yet mum, I’m not ready.” My voice trembled; I shook my head from side to side.

“I know darling, but we have to go…” her grip tightened on the top of my arms as she tried to pull me away from Elijah.

“No!” I scream loudly, my throat stinging “No!”

That’s all I remember.

Everything after that I blocked out.