Crisis of Identity

I caught my reflection in the elevator mirror during the ride to 4th floor. My dark raccoon eyes and drawn complexion were evidence of one of the longest nights I have ever endured.

Mum’s words resonated with me all night, like a looping story, over and over in my mind. I tried rationalizing what she has done. I tried to see it from her perspective; remove the “I” from it, if you will. But I keep coming back to my difficultly justifying what she and the Evans’ did.

Instead of sleeping, my mind’s eye reviewed the highlights of my life as Kade Miller. I tried to evaluate my picture-perfect life, only to discover it has been painted all wrong. During my hours of rationalizing, I found it hard not to consider myself a fictitious person; someone created to satisfy a purpose.

Mine was a name given to someone else who was born to another mother and given another name. Hell, even my birth certificate is fake. I keep coming back to the fact I am Jayden Evans, not this fictitious, Kade Miller.

When the elevator freed me, I obtained mum’s room number from the Nurse’s station. As I approached, a Doctor emerged from mum’s room and moved towards me. He was around my age. Dressed in casual clothes, rather than the stereo-typical white coat, he had his stethoscope draped around the back of his neck.

As he approached I lifted a hand to flag him down. ‘Excuse me Doctor. I notice you came from room 406. Are you treating Mrs Vicky Miller…?’

‘Are you a family member…?’

‘I’m her son. She was brought in last night, but I haven’t seen her yet. I was just wondering what happened. Why she collapsed. Was it another heart attack?’

‘No. Her heart is good. All the tests came back positive. All I can establish is, she has passed out… fainted, however I am unsure of the cause at this time.’

‘Could stress cause her to faint?’

‘It could. There are a number of causes to someone fainting. Anxiety, fear, pain, intense emotional stress… all of these reasons can cause the blood pressure to drop, which in turn can cause someone to faint. OK. Do you have any other questions…?’ He said, edging away.

He had me at Intense Emotional Stress. I’m no doctor, but there is your cause, right there, Doc. ‘No, you’ve been helpful. Thank you.’

Mum’s single-bed ward was in semi-darkness when I entered. The pale blue privacy curtain was drawn. Subtle light at the head of her bed bled up the beige wall.

Mum noticed me when I poked my head around the curtain, to check if she is awake. ‘Hi Kade,’ she said in a flat emotionless tone. ‘I wasn’t sure if you would want to see me after yesterday. I feel like you hate me…’

‘Don’t be silly, mum…’ I said as I slid into the bed-side chair. ‘I don’t hate you. I’m incredibly disappointed. I just can’t accept what you did. But I don’t hate you.’

‘I can understand that, I think. Everything must be a shock.’

‘Do ya think…?’ I said with a roll of my eyes. ‘I just found out I don’t exist…I—’

‘Now you’re being silly saying that. Of course you exist.’

‘Do I…? I am really someone else. The person I thought I am is made up. That is what I’m struggling to comprehend. Add to that the lies and deceit…’ I shook my head. ‘It’s very difficult right now, mum.’

‘Have you given it much thought since yesterday? Do you still want to turn us in to Dawes…?’

’It’s not a case of me turning you into the cops… It’s a case of me not being able to live your lies. It’s about me not being able to accept what you did. Do I want to see you get in trouble with the law…? Of course not. Can I ignore everything you did and go on as if nothing happened…? I don’t think I can. Truth is, Mum, I’m conflicted between doing what’s right by my moral compass, or go against everything I am… everything I believe in and turn a blind eye and go on as if nothing happened.’

‘Family first should be your priority, Kade. We took a huge chance to get you in our life. Just remember that.’

That ‘Family First’ comment stung when it hit my ears. ‘I didn’t ask you to illegally adopt me. I didn’t ask you to create a false birth certificate. I didn’t ask you to create one of the largest missing person searches in Australia’s history, just so you could have a child of your own. But you are asking me to condone what you did by staying quiet… You know what mum, I wish you didn’t make me come back inside yesterday. I wish you just let me leave. I wish I didn’t know what you and the Evans’ did. But I did and I can’t unhear that… I just can’t stay quiet.’

Mum closed her eyes and turned her head away from me. It was the hospital bed equivalent of turning her back on me. It hurt. I understand her reaction, but the coldness of it still hurt.

‘I should probably go…’ I pushed myself up from my chair while regarding the back of Mum’s head. When she didn’t turn back to face me, I made my way to the door.

Before I reached the foot of Mum’s bed, my phone’s ring tone broke the silence. I usually don’t answer calls displaying No Caller ID. This time I did.

‘Hello …’

‘Is this Kade Miller?’

‘Who’s calling?’

‘Kade. My name is Detective Senior Sergeant Steve Maxstead. You left a message yesterday for Detective Sergeant Dawes to call you back…’

‘That’s right… Is Sergeant Dawes available…?’ Mum’s head snapped her focus around, glaring at me. ‘I have some news I know he will want to hear.’ Mum slowly shook a disappointed head. Her head lolled to the side, away from me.

‘Well, that’s why I’m calling, actually. Sergeant Dawes is taking some time off, so I will be taking over his cases.’

‘I see. Is he unwell…?’

‘No. No. No. He is just taking a break.’

‘OK. Then you may be interested in what I have to say…’

‘Look. I am interested. But before you do, I want to say that as I have taken over his cases, I have reviewed the case file relating to the investigation of the missing toddler, Jayden Evans. This includes the latest information that has involved you and your family…’

‘OK…’

‘And it is my opinion that there is absolutely no evidence, in any form, that implicates your parents in the disappearance of Jayden Evans, or evidence to suggest you are Jayden Evans. In fact, what Sergeant Dawes has gathered provides evidence to the contrary.’

‘I see…’ This was difficult to listen to because I am Jayden Evans. Dawes was actually right and he needs to know that.

’So, your call yesterday was quite timely because I wanted to call you anyway and inform you that, based on my review of the case, I am closing the investigation into the disappearance of Jayden Evans.

‘In fact, it should never have been re-opened, based on what has been added to the file. And on behalf of Queensland Police, I want to sincerely apologize for any harm or embarrassment Sergeant Dawes brought to you and your family. He should never have made those comments, which were not endorsed by Queensland Police.’

‘It sounds to me like Sergeant Dawes is on forced leave?’

‘Look, I want to be transparent with you because of what is at stake here. I want to inform you that I have closed the case in the hope that you would abandon your law suit against Queensland Police.’

‘I sort of got that vibe… But you didn’t answer my question about Sergeant Dawes…?’

’The law suit you have brought against Queensland Police is the 2nd one from this investigation, caused by inappropriate comments Sergeant Dawes made about people he accused as being the perpetrators… It became evident Sergeant Dawes has become too emotionally invested in his investigation, so he needed to step away for a while… So to answer your question…He is taking leave…you could call it forced… But it is also well deserved. In case you are wondering, he hasn’t been sacked.’

‘I was actually. I thought forced leave may have been a euphemism for being sacked.’

‘Let me reassure you that is not the case. He will return, just not to this investigation. Now. I have had my chance to say what I wanted. What was the information you had for Sergeant Dawes? Does it relate to the investigation?’

‘It does, actually.’ Over the several hours leading up to this call, I gave a great deal of thought about whether I should say anything to Dawes, and if I do, how I will explain this?

After weighing up the consequences of my full disclosure versus the consequences of me saying nothing at all, I still strongly favour honesty over all else. Mum and her friends will have to accept the consequences of their actions, whatever they may be.

I took a deep breath ahead of me informing the caller I am Jayden Evans. ‘I have something that I think Sergeant Dawes and you will want to hear…’

‘OK. Shoot…’

‘I am…’ My focus caught mum’s pleading eyes staring back at me. She was like a puppy with big, apologetic eyes pleading not to be punished for shitting on the floor.

At that moment, my moral blinkers fell away. I had what felt like instant clarity… An epiphany of sorts. For some unknown reason, I had a sudden and clear realization that my parents did what they did out of love… the love for a child to call their own.

They did whatever it took to be parents. I see that now. How did I miss that before? My closed-minded arrogance blocked this from me until just now.

I understand what they did was illegal, but they didn’t hurt anyone… certainly not my birth parents who were not only complicit, but were the instigators. Mum and dad didn’t steal me, as everyone believes. In essence, I was given to them.

With the exception of the way I came into their lives, my situation was not a whole different to parents raising an adopted child. It is coming to me in vivid clarity. How could I not see this before?

When my birth parents didn’t want me, my mum and dad did and they raised me with love, warmth and care. They spoiled me. They gave me every opportunity. They’re not evil. Why should they be punished because of my stubborn and righteous attitude? They do not deserve that.

If I say nothing, no-one will ever know any different. But if I am being honest, I just now realized the pivotal moment that caused me to question my actions. When mum turned away from me in her bed, it was the first time in my twenty-eight years I felt cold from her, instead of her warm love. And I hated it.

Mum is, and always has been our family’s glue. She has always been a caring, loving soul and I love that about her. To feel such chills emanating from her… because of something I did, or threatened to do… cut deeply at me.

‘You are what…?’ the caller asked. ‘Are you still there…?’

‘I’m here… I think you know that I am…’ My eyes locked onto mum’s sad eyes. ‘An idiot…’ I blurted, without any conscious thought.

‘I’m sorry…’ The cop said. ‘I don’t understand.’

I took hold of mum’s hand. Her eyebrows arched. Her eyes screamed, what the hell is going on?

’The reason I called was because…’ I looked deep into mum’s confused eyes. I gave a reassuring squeeze of her hand. ‘A few weeks back my mother suffered a heart attack because of the stress from this investigation. It made me realize there are things in this life more important to me…’

Tears welled in mum’s eyes. ‘So, to protect my mother’s health, I have decided to drop the law suit against Sergeant Dawes and Queensland Police. Mum doesn’t need any more stress, which I believe a future court case will surely bring.’

‘Thank you. I understand completely and I agree with you. Any court case will be stressful for all parties involved. I was hoping we would be able to resolve this during our chat today.’

‘My lawyer will provide you with the appropriate formal advice in the near future.’

When I ended the call, mum’s questioning eyes stared back at me. As I moved in to hug her tight she asked, ‘I don’t understand… What changed…? Don’t get me wrong, I’m very relieved… But…what changed?’

‘I did…’

Mark Twain wrote… “There are two great days in a person’s life—the day we are born and the day we discover why.”

For me, I was born twice… First in Queensland in February 1991 and then again in Western Australian in January 1991. It has taken twenty-five years and a whole lot of internal soul searching, but I have finally discovered the ‘why’.