Crimes of Cupidity (Heart Hassle Book 3)

“You want to what?”

The old female cupid, whom I’ve lovingly dubbed Curlers, hasn’t been able to blink for the past ten minutes. That’s how badly her eyes have bugged out. I guess she really doesn’t like the new direction I’m moving all of cupidity.

Seedy thought that I committed crimes against cupidity, but I disagree. I think the Head of Cupidity committed crimes against all the poor lowly cupids. And I intend to fix that.

We’ve been sitting here for hours. I’ve been going over old cupid boss notes, looking at stats and cupid requirements…and also doing my best to retain whatever information Lex can find about the other Veil entities.

The male cupid supervisor, number nineteen, has finally given up on arguing with me and is just hovering over the chair and tapping his finger against his semi-solid forehead. He also quietly sings nineties love songs under his breath whenever I give any kind of new rule or override an old one. As far as coping mechanisms go, I’m a fan of it.

“Cupids need more incentive,” I explain to Curlers. “I bet the angels and demons have awesome employee incentives.”

Lex is to my right, studiously taking notes. She looks up at my words and taps one of the books she’s been furiously studying. “Demons have possession parties twice a year. In the human realm, it’s once on Halloween and once on Tax Day.”

“See?” I tell Curlers smugly. “Even Hell gives its employees incentives.”

Curlers sniffs with clear disfavor. “Cupids don’t need incentives. We get to spread love and desire. That’s incentive enough.”

Lex nods in agreement until I shoot her a look. She quickly jerks her head to a stop.

“What about the angels?” I ask Lex.

“Well…they get heaven.”

Oh. Right.

“Okay, from now on, cupids get a yearly party. Maybe the day after Valentines. We’ll yank everyone to Cupidville and host a big shindig. We’ll let them all have physical bodies, too.”

Curlers gapes. “You can’t do that!”

Lex slaps opens a huge red book with pink pages and points to a line. “Actually, it states here that the Head of Cupidity has the ability to control any cupid’s corporeal body. So, technically, she can do that.”

I smile sweetly. “Physical bodies for all, for twenty-four hours. We’ll reward all the top performers, have games, food, wine, and voluntary sexy times, of course.”

I watch as whatever I say gets magically written into the cupid law book, in pink glittery ink. Awesome. “And that’s apart from the mandatory vacation time.”

“Vacation time?” Curlers repeats shrilly. She looks over at Nineteen, but he’s currently singing the boy band song, “I Want It That Way,” and completely ignoring us.

“Yep. Everyone gets two weeks each year. They can go to whichever realm they want and have physical bodies to do…whatever they want to do. When their vacation time is up, we’ll pop them back into their designated realm, and I guarantee they will do their jobs more efficiently. And do you know why?” I ask, leaning forward.

Curlers grits her dentured teeth. “Why?”

“Because,” I say with a sigh. “Maybe if I hadn’t been so damn lonely and jealous, I would have been a better cupid,” I explain honestly. “Happy cupids will spread better love. Trust me. I’m the cupid boss.”

I think she might be imagining reaching across the table to throttle me.

“Oh, and no more terminating poor cupids unless they’re doing something really terrible. Give them a break. They’re lonely.” I snap my fingers. “That reminds me. I want cupids to have partners.”

“Partners,” she repeats flatly.

“Yep. No more solo act. It’ll help cut down on the loneliness. It will also bring a sense of camaraderie and friendly competition to see who can make the most Love Matches. It’ll be good for business, I promise.”

Curlers shakes her head. “In my day, cupids did their duty, and there was no talk of this loneliness.”

“Well, it’s high time we shake things up a bit. Let’s make a cupid’s life at least partially enjoyable instead of downright awful. No one likes to be stuck invisible in the Veil, all alone, for years at a time, only to go crazy and finally get terminated.”

I stand up, and Lex immediately leaps up to stand beside me. “I really do need to get back to my fae realm now. I have royals to spy on and mates to…mate with.” I turn to Lex. “Will you be able to handle getting all of these changes enacted?”

“Of course,” she says confidently. “I will see to everything.”

Having an assistant is super helpful. “Curlers and Nineteen are to help you with all of the changes.” I look at the grumpy cupids. “Unless, of course, you’d rather I demote you two and find someone else…?”

Curlers quickly shakes her head, and even Nineteen stops singing Backstreet Boys long enough to say no. “Good. I’ll be checking in. Oh, I almost forgot.”

I walk over to my desk and pull up another magic button. I tap in number seven-hundred-twenty and watch as pink smoke appears, and then a familiar cupid is hovering in front of me.

He looks around in surprise. “What the fooking hell is this, then? I didn’t do shite to get in trouble already!”

I smile at his tanned, pretty face and disheveled pink hair. “We meet again, Seven hundred twenty.”

He stops looking around the office and swings his gaze on me. I watch as recognition flashes over his face, and his dark brows rise in surprise. “Well, I’ll be fooking caught on a cock. Thousand-fifty, that you?”

I beam. “It’s me. But you can call me Boss Bitch Emelle because I’m running this lust show now.”

His eyes widen. “You’re fooking full of pink pig shite.”

“Nope,” I say, rolling back on my heels, practically giddy. “Totally true. And I’m making some changes. I snap my fingers, and instantly, he turns solid. Yep. Lex showed me that little trick. Being the cupid boss is badass.

He looks down at his now solid body and whistles. “Well I guess you ain’t gobbin’ air after all. What a fooking trip this is.”

He reaches down to his crotch and handles himself like he wants to make sure his dick is really there. When he catches Lex watching, he shoots her a wink. “You wanna be the first one to see it, luv?”

Lex blushes and sidles closer to me.

“No flirting with my assistant, Sev. You can get your stick wet after you’ve helped make the necessary changes around here, okay?”

He frowns and drops his hand. “What the fook you on about?”

“I’m making you top supervisor. Lex here will help you get settled in. I trust you to make sure the rest of these cupids get on board with my new laws. Can you do that?”

He grins at me impishly. “Luv, you just gave me my cock back. I’ll do whatever the fook you want.”

And they say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Nope. It’s his dick.