Crimes of Cupidity (Heart Hassle Book 3)

Startled, I stare at her from across the table for several seconds without saying anything. She’s young like me, her pink hair is pulled back in a tight, sleek ponytail, and she’s wearing a frilly blouse with its buttons hooked together all the way to her high-collared throat. She’s wearing a skirt that goes down to her knees and sensible black loafers. Her red wings are held firmly against her back as she smiles politely at me. Her frumpy clothing does nothing to deter how beautiful she is. Looking like a Catholic school teacher with pink hair, she’s probably every guy’s wet dream. I’m a little jealous of her boobs, to be honest. They’re super perky. And round. At least two handfuls.

I realize that I’ve been staring far too long at her chest, so I quickly wrench my eyes up. Now I understand why guys do it so much. Some boobs just demand the attention. If she’s bothered by my perusal of her jigglejoggers, she doesn’t show it.

“Umm…can I help you?” I finally say.

She cocks her head. “You summoned me, Madame Cupid.”

Madame? “No, I didn’t.”

“I believe you summoned her when you claimed to be in need of help,” Raziel points out.

“Oh. Umm. Who are you?” I ask her.

She lifts up her wrist so I can clearly see the letters LXIX there. “I am cupid number sixty-nine.”

“Of course you are,” I mumble, as the demon beside me snickers like a fourteen-year-old boy.

“Okay, well, I apologize for unintentionally summoning you…Lex,” I call her. I’m totally not calling her sixty-nine. It’s just not happening.

“Shall I go back to my cupid duties?”

“Yes. Wait, no,” I quickly change my mind. You’re partly corporeal. Does that mean you’re a higher up?”

She nods enthusiastically. “I’m Cupid Of The Month. Have been for eight hundred and thirty-three months in a row. That’s why I’m assigned the honor of being your assistant. May I ask what happened to cupid four hundred?”

I squirm in my chair. “Oh, umm, Seedy was terminated unexpectedly.”

Jerkahf snorts, and I shoot him a glare to shut him up.

“Well, I am happy to serve you, Madame Cupid.”

“You can call me Emelle.”

She tilts her head. “As you wish.”

“I didn’t even know there was such a thing as Cupid Of The Month,” I admit.

“That’s not surprising,” Raziel mumbles beside me.

Without thinking, I kick him under the table, and he winces when I nail him in the shin. Am I allowed to kick angels? I look up at the ceiling, waiting for the wrath of the heavens to rain down on me. I look back to the angel apologetically. “Sorry. My foot slipped.”

He cocks a brow. “Angels can tell when you lie.”

“Oh.” Awkward. I turn back to the cupid in front of me. “So. Lex. How did you earn this prestigious title?”

“I have very clear cupid goals that I make sure to hit every day. For instance, I make sure that I make at least five Love Matches and no less than twenty sexual encounters each day. I also make sure to spread Flirt Touches to at least one hundred different people.”

My mouth drops open in surprise. I’ve never actually met a cupid who liked their job, let alone one who had, like…personal goals and stuff. “Good gods, you do all of that every single day?”

She nods enthusiastically. “I just love spreading love,” she says, beaming. Her wings fluff up behind her, like just talking about it is really juicing her up. “We cupids have the best job in the Veil. Don’t you just adore seeing someone fall in love because you helped them along?” she asks dreamily.

Wow. This girl has a really bad case of overactive cupidity.

“Umm. Sure.”

She starts stroking the Love Arrows that are slung over her shoulder and staring off into space like she just can’t wait to get back to doing cupid stuff, so I snap my fingers at her.

“Focus, Lex.”

“Sorry. I was thinking about all the possible Love Matches I can make once I get back.”

Wow. Aside from this girl having super great boobs, she’s also an overachiever. I don’t know whether to be impressed or intimidated. I look down at my chest and push my arms together, seeing if I can make mine as buoyant as hers. “You know a lot about cupids and Veil stuff, I’m guessing?” Satisfied with my boobage, I drop my arms back down with a dignified nod.

She nods enthusiastically. “Oh, yes. Aside from being Cupid Of The Month for over eight hundred months in a row, I also have acted as a Veil ambassador for…Seedy, as you called him, whenever he needed to meet with some of the other Veil Minor representatives. I have also studied extensively about cupid powers, duties, and our role in the Veil.”

“Perfect,” I say with a smile. “Let’s talk hypotheticals for a moment, shall we?”

She flicks her eyes to the angel and demon before meeting my eyes again. “Alright.”

“Hypothetically, let’s say that a cupid was able to pop in and out of the Veil at will. And let’s just say that she accidentally passed on some of her cupid traits to her mates.”

“You did what?” Raziel snaps. I ignore him.

“Passed on traits?” Lex repeats.

“Yep. Like, say…cupid wings and a cupid number. Hypothetically, why would that be happening?”

She considers this for a moment. “Hmm. I cannot answer that, as I have never read of such a thing happening before. To my knowledge, a cupid has never taken a mate. We’re far too busy to have mates of our own, because we are lucky enough to be able to give love to others. What a wonderful job it is to have!”

I start laughing at her joke, only to realize she’s serious. I quickly cover it up with a cough. I’m really gonna have to get used to her go-getter cupidtude.

I turn back to the angel and demon. “Okay. So. Where were we?”

Jerkahf crosses his arms over his chest and leans back in his chair to give me a sardonic look. “You expected us to give you the Cliff Notes version of what it means to be two of the most powerful and influential entities in existence since the dawning of time,” Jerkahf drawls.

“Yeah, that. Hit me with it.”

The demon and angel give each other a long look…and then they promptly disappear in puffs of black smoke and white light.

“Dammit!” I say, slamming my hand against the table. “Veil Majors. More like Major pains in the ass.”

I absently run a finger over my new cupid boss mark as I contemplate my next move. “Lex, can you find out information for me about all the Veil entities? Majors and Minors?” I guess I’ll just have to figure out my possible powers on my own.

“Of course, Madame Cupid,” she assures me.

“Lex, just call me Emelle.”

“Of course, Madame Cupid Emelle.”

“No, that’s not—”

I get interrupted when two more cupids come floating through the room, their faces a mix of shock and rage as they stop to glare at me from across the table.

One of them is an old supervisor I remember getting disciplined by for the time I only gave out Lust when someone said the word “stroke” at midnight. Get it? Stroke of twelve? Yeah. I was bored. Anyway, he gave me a slap on the wrist in the shape of a hundred extra Love Matches. I don’t like him much.

The other cupid is a wrinkled old lady with curlers in her hair. Poor thing must’ve died like that. I look down to see that she’s wearing slippers and a zippered day robe. No wonder she looks so grumpy. Her death probably interrupted a nap.

“Where is cupid four-hundred?” she demands.

I can’t show weakness in the face of these cupids, or they’ll pounce. I sit up straighter and look her dead-on. “He was terminated.”

They both blanche. “Impossible. The Head of Cupidity cannot be terminated,” she argues with the shake of her head.

I lean forward and scoop up the terminate button. “I don’t know, it seemed pretty possible to me.”

She takes a few hovered steps back, and they both take note of the boss mark on my wrist as they exchange nervous glances. “So that means…”

I prop my ankles up onto the table and put my hands behind my head for added drama as I lean back with a smirk. “That means I’m the new boss, and I’m gonna be making some changes around here.”

They look at me with horror.

I beam. This is gonna be fun.