Crimes of Cupidity (Heart Hassle Book 3)

Mr. Demon on the left has inky hair and black, reptilian wings. There’s a row of stiff, black feathers poking out along the top edge of his wings and then thorns hooked at the ends.

The angel on the right has golden hair. Literally. It looks like each strand has been spun from gold threads. His wings are white and feathered, and he’s so pretty that he’s hard to look at.

“Sit,” the cupid superior says.

They don’t give me any greetings or smiles. Unease fills me as I float to a chair and hover above it. I have to play this cool. Maybe I can get myself out of this? It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had to talk my way out of being terminated.

So, I do what I do best. I slap a smile on my face and use my friendly charm. I nonchalantly lean my elbow on the armrest, but…yeah, my charm is insta-shattered when my arm goes through it, and my head jerks up awkwardly. The demon chuckles under his breath. Good thing I don’t have a body because I’m pretty sure I’d be blushing with embarrassment.

I clear my throat and sit up again, hovering properly over the chair. “So, what…um, what brings you guys here?” Gods, I sound like I’m trying to pick them up at a bar.

None of them answers me, and I really hate the silent-judgy look that they’re all giving me. I turn to my cupid boss. “Nice office you got here. Really shiny. And big. Plenty of room to really stretch your wings, huh?” He doesn’t answer. “Congrats on being the top corporate cupid. That’s gotta be exciting stuff.”

I spot something green on the other side of the room. “Oh, is that a golf putt-putt set?” I ask, craning my head to look past the angel. “I once watched these teenagers playing mini-golf, and it looked really fun! Well, it did until I accidentally blew too much Lust at them, and they started going at it in the windmill on hole thirteen. The police were called.” I tilt my head in thought. “Actually, now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure it became a big scandal. It was in their local newspaper and everything. The boy might’ve lost his scholarship… Anyway, the point is, golf looks fun.”

Hmm. Probably best not to bring up my stupid cupid moments to the head honcho.

The angel places his hands on the sides of his chair and looks me up in down with obvious derision. “You are cupid one thousand fifty?”

I narrow my eyes slightly at his tone. “I prefer to be called Emelle.”

“Excuse me?”

I show him my wrist. “You know, ML? Emelle? It’s easier to say than cupid one thousand fifty. Quicker. More efficient. You guys look like you’re all about efficiency, am I right?” I smile, trying to sell it. He frowns. I’m not selling it.

I steal a glance at boss man’s wrist. Aside from his cupid number in the roman numerals, CD, he also has an arrow-pierced heart marking below that, designating that he’s the top cupid boss. “CD,” I muse aloud. “Can I call you Seedy?”

“No.”

“Listen, Seedy, sometimes it’s nice to have a name, you know?” I look at him, but he looks back at me like he does not, in fact, know.

I look at the other two. “I bet you guys have names, right?”

Seedy looks like he wants to put me in a choke-hold, but the angel answers, “I am Raziel. Angel representative.”

I nod in greeting and look over at the demon expectantly. Seedy motions to him. “This is the demon representative, Jerkahf.”

A snort escapes me before I can stop it.

The demon narrows his black eyes at me, and literal smoke starts billowing off of him. “Is something funny?”

I shake my head adamantly. “Nope. No. Nothing funny at all.” A little whimpered giggle crawls out of my mouth like a traitor.

His eyes flash with the fires of hell. It’s super scary. “Are you laughing at my name? You think ‘Jerkahf’ holds some hilarity in it?”

I press my lips together as tightly as I can to keep from laughing, but it’s really freaking hard. The way he’s staring at me makes it even worse. It’s a whole lot of added pressure. I don’t do well under pressure. Kind of like those uncontrollable laughing fits you get in the middle of a funeral.

“It’s a family name,” he defends. “There are many highly respected Jerkahfs.”

Don’t laugh, don’t laugh, don’t—

Laughter bubbles up my throat and strangles me on its way out. A half-laugh, half-choke comes gurgling out of me, no matter how much I try to stop it. I only manage to cut my inappropriate laughter off with a noise that sounds suspiciously like a burp, and I try to clamp my non-corporeal hands over my mouth to stop from embarrassing myself further.

The smoke dissipates as the demon sighs. “Did you get that out of your system?”

I nod vigorously because I don’t trust myself to speak.

Seedy clears his throat. “Let’s get back to the matter at hand. You have been summoned here in the presence of three Veil Majors.”

I look between the three of them. “Wait, cupids are considered as important as angels and demons?”

The demon smirks at my question, but boss-man looks affronted. “Of course we are. Life, love, and death,” he says, motioning to each one of them in succession. “Life and death aren’t much of anything without love,” he finishes defensively.

I nod vigorously to appease him. “Yeah, obviously. We cupids are totally Major material.”

“Moving on,” he says, ignoring me. “We have received very disturbing reports about you.”

I look at him innocently. “Oh?”

He pulls out a pink folder and starts slapping heart-shaped papers down in front of me. “This one says you failed to incite lust and desire on just over five-thousand available opportunities. This one says you failed to create any lasting love matches since being assigned in the fae realm. This one says you used Love Arrows multiple times on the same male, exceeding the three Love Arrow limit by…” he skims the paper. “By thirty-two arrows.” He looks pissed. “That means you hit him with Thirty-five arrows in a row.”

I give him a sheepish look. “Whoops.”

Seedy doesn’t look like he appreciates my response.

“But,” The angel cuts in, “what’s even more disturbing is that you have been manipulating the Veil.”

I squirm my intangible body under their glares. Manipulating feels like a strong word. “Umm…”

“Somehow, you have perverted your existence in the Veil and have been popping in and out of it,” Boss man says. “Not only is that against the laws of the Majors, but it can have very grave consequences, some of which we do not even understand ourselves,” he says, gathering up the papers. His status gives him more corporeal-ness than a lowly front-line cupid. But even so, he has a difficult time lining up the heart papers so that they lay nicely on top of each other. Just another example of love being difficult.

I look between the three of them. I’m getting the impression that I won’t be able to talk myself out of this one. I clear my throat nervously. “What…what are you saying?”

Seedy straightens the papers before looking back up at me. “I am saying that we’ll have to decommission you.”

I make a worried face. “Decommission sounds a lot like terminate.”

“You broke Veil laws,” the angel says sternly. “Plus, you’re malfunctioning.”

My wings fluff up behind me. “I’m perfectly fine,” I say defensively.

He gives a pointed look at my mismatched feathers.

I follow his gaze to the black and white feathers marring my wings. “Oh. Those. That’s just—”

“You can’t lie to an angel, love dove,” the demon cuts in with a laugh.

I promptly shut my mouth. “Okay, so maybe I’m malfunctioning a little.”

Boss man shakes his head, deeply disappointed. “You have not only proven to be a failure as a cupid, but you’ve somehow disrupted the magic of the Veil enough that other powers are now infused into you.”

I blink in surprise. “Excuse me?”

The angel points to my wings. “You’ve sprouted white and black feathers. Angel and demon traits.”

The demon snorts and crosses his arms. “Yeah, just like it was a demon trait when she purged a soul.”

Huh. So that’s what I did to that fae when I sucked his essence out with my bare hands? Oh man. When Ronak finds out that I’m part demon, he’s never going to let me live it down.

I give him a nervous smile. “Whoops.”

“Whoops, again? Really?” the demon drawls.

“It’s not like I meant to soul-suck someone. It just sort of happened.”

The demon rolls his eyes. “Fucking cupids.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose,” I say, thinking back to when I soul-sucked the soldier fae who attacked us in our genfin den.

“Regardless,” the angel intervenes. “These other powers will continue to infuse with you, and you will continue to break Veil laws and pervert your own existence.”

“I’m not a pervert,” I defend.

“You are confusing the Veil with your ability to enter and exit at will. Only higher powers can do that. We cannot allow you to continue to take on powers of all the Majors.”

“It probably won’t just be the Majors,” Jerkahf adds.

I frown. “What do you mean? I’ve never seen anything else in the Veil except for us and the ghosts.”

Seedy answers. “There are the Minors, of course.”

“The Minors?”

He looks at me impatiently. “Yes, the Minors in the Veil. The demon is right. You could very well pick up their powers as well.”

“Like…?”

He huffs. “Like…you could take on the powers of a sandman.”

“Sandman? You mean only guys get that gig? That’s a little sexist,” I point out. “I could totally put people to sleep and give them awesome dreams. I’d do sex dreams,” I say this part to the demon, because I feel like he’ll understand. “Everyone loves sex dreams.”

“Well, there’s lady luck. No males for that. You gonna call that sexist, too?” Jerkahf says dryly.

“Well, yeah. I’m sure Razz would’ve been awesome at spreading luck around if he’d passed over the angel gig.”

“My name is Raziel,” the angel frowns. “Not Razz.”

“There’s also karma,” the demon says, ignoring him. “They’re also strictly female.” He tilts his head. “Although, karma is always a shifter. Canines,” he clarifies.

I blink at him. “Wait. Are you saying that karma is literally a bitch?”

Jerkahf smirks. “Yep.”

I wave my hand around. “So all of these Minors, you’re saying that I could get their powers, too, besides yours?”

“Yes, that is what we are saying,” Raziel answers. “You are no longer just a cupid. You are something else entirely. In fact, I’d say your eyes look suspiciously like that of a lady luck.”

Seedy nods gravely. “Exactly the problem. You have crossed lines that should never be crossed. You have committed heinous crimes against the Veil, and you have failed grievously at your cupidity duties. As your top superior, I cannot allow these crimes to go unpunished.” He folds his hands in front of him. “So, cupid one thousand fifty, I hereby sentence you to be terminated.”

Shit.