Crimes of Cupidity (Heart Hassle Book 3)

“You didn’t tell me my worm had to lick the king!” I whisper-shout to Belren.

He rolls his eyes at me. “How else is the thing going to imitate him?”

We’re both hunkered down in a storage closet inside the palace. It’s cramped with mops and brooms, but it smells like lemons, so I can’t really complain, even though Belren and I are practically on top of each other. I changed into a servant’s gown and hid my wings, but Belren is still wearing his expensive dark silk shirt and trousers.

I was able to get in by going through the Veil, while Belren snuck the worm in by doing…whatever tricky thief stuff he does to get into places like this. Now we’re just biding our time and trying to come up with a plan.

“So everything depends on the super long worm that I have stuffed in my quiver.” Belren chuckles, and I punch him in the arm. “Shut up. It was going to sound dirty no matter how I worded it.”

He has his mask on again, since we’re in public. Well, we’ll be in public once we’re out of the storage closet. I can still see his lips and eyes through the holes, but I prefer to see his whole face. It’s disconcerting talking to an expressionless mask.

“The king should be in his private chambers by now,” Belren says. “If he’s not already asleep, he will be soon. We’ll go and slip in.”

“Can you get in there without being caught? I mean, I can go invisible, but you can’t. What about the guards?” I ask.

He rolls his eyes. “The guards aren’t going to see me,” he says with an arrogant tilt to his chin.

“Belren…”

“I’m the Horned Hook,” he says, pointing to his horns. “This is what I do.” He leans in closer so that his mouth is right next to my ear. “And I’m good at everything I do.”

“Except sharing,” I fire back at him.

His lips tilt up, and he leans back again. “Yes, except that. Let’s go.”

The castle is quiet as Belren leads the way through the servant’s quarters. I’ve never seen it so quiet before. Usually, there are at least a few servants after hours, brownie fae scrubbing or washing something during the quiet hours of night. But there’s no one except guards making their rounds.

“Why is this place so empty? Where are all the servants?”

“Use your multi-colored eyes,” Belren breathes, his voice not even loud enough to be considered a whisper. “Does the palace look crisp and shiny like usual?”

Frowning, I take a better look at my surroundings, and realize right away what he means. Normally, this place is dazzling. Glistening chandeliers, polished stone, scrubbed carpets, shiny fixtures, but right now, I can see everything has a layer of grime and dust that had never been there before. Even small things, like the corner of a rug being flipped up, or the drapes not being pulled shut for the night, or candle wax being allowed to drip down onto the floor in hardened puddles.

No way the brownies would ever allow the place to look like this. Duru, Princess Soora’s right hand lady, would have a heart attack if she saw this place. And since brownies get their magic from cleaning, she would be practically glowing after tidying this mess.

“The brownies are gone?” I ask, shocked.

Belren grins evilly and smile. “Brownies are often looked down on by the high fae. At least, by the prince’s high fae society. But brownies, as you know, are pivotal for our kingdom. Not just because they keep everything clean, but their cleanliness in the realm also promotes health and reduces viruses and bacteria from spreading. But the brownies went on strike the day the prince announced Princess Soora’s execution. They all disappeared.”

My eyes widen in shock. “All of them?”

Belren nods as we round another dark corner. “Yes. The brownies are incredibly loyal to Princess Soora. Their absence is felt in ways the high fae never imagined. Now, all the high fae snobs are quite out of sorts,” he says, with a little bounce in his step. “I heard the king and prince were furious.”

I mull over everything he said, wondering where the brownies could have gone. I hope Duru is safe.

As we’re about to round another corner, Belren holds his hand up for me to stop. I wait behind him, nervous in the dark shadows, while he peers around the corner. Staying still, barely breathing, all while my heart pounds nervously inside my chest makes me extra jumpy.

Of course, right then, a guard surprises the ever-loving heart out of me by coming up behind us.

“Hey!”

I jump and shriek in surprise, and Belren whirls. But the guard is already reaching for me. I push my hands out to ward him off, and…Oops.

I watch as my hands suck a gray essence out from his face. The stuff floats around his head for a moment, and his eyes widen in shock. Then, he collapses on the floor.

Shaky, I turn to Belren. “Crap. I accidentally soul sucked him.”

Belren blinks from the guard to me. “Does that…happen often?”

“You’d be surprised,” I mumble.

He kneels down to check the guard’s pulse, confirming what I already knew. “Dead.”

I grimace. “I hope he was a bad guy. He was a bad guy, right?” I ask hopefully.

When Belren opens his mouth to answer, I shake my head quickly. “Actually, don’t answer that. I’m just gonna pretend he was and go with it.”

Belren shakes his head at me. “Now we have to hide the body.”

I look around the dark hallway, but there aren’t any nearby rooms we can drag him in, and besides, he looks heavy. Noticing the carpet runner on the floor, I pick up the corner of it and cover him with it. “There.”

Belren cocks a brow at me. “There? You’re just going to toss a rug over him, which by the way, does absolutely nothing to hide him, and continue to go with it?”

“You have a better idea?”

He lifts his hands in front of our faces and wriggles his fingers. “Did you forget that I’m telekinetic?”

“Umm…actually, yeah.”

With a flick of his wrist, his magic picks up the body, a nearby window is opened, and he goes zooming out into the night, the rug flapping around him.

“That’s a good plan, too,” I tell him.

He rolls his eyes. “Next time you hear a noise, go invisible instead of accidentally doing…whatever it is you just did. I’d rather not have to dump bodies in the river all night long.”

I salute him. “You got it.”

Belren and I continue the rest of the way in silence. Every time there’s so much as a whisper of a noise, I go immediately into the Veil, and I have to admit, Belren is impressive in the way he finds ways to hide and use shadows to his advantage. His steps are completely silent, and he moves with a grace that I’ve never seen on a male before. No wonder he’s such a good thief. He goes nearly as invisible as I do.

When we reach the king’s corridor, Belren shoos me to go invisible and slip into the room alone, so that I can unlock the door. Meanwhile, he uses his telekinesis to make something go crashing to the ground down the corridor, startling the guards, and causing them to look away from the king’s doors. It’s all he needs to slip into the room undetected.

“Nice,” I whisper, impressed.

Belren gives a small bow. “Shall we?”

I look in the darkened room, lit up only by the moonlight coming in through the windows high on the wall. We’re in the king’s receiving room, which is empty, and there are three more doors to search.

We share a look before heading to two different doors. Mine ends up being a closet, and when I look over at Belren, he gives a small shake of his head. We meet in the middle of the room, in front of the last door. After a beat, Belren slowly turns the knob and pushes the door open silently. When I peer in, I see a lit fireplace casting light and shadows around the room, and right there in front of the warm fire, is King Beluar in all his naked glory.

“Bath time,” I mutter under my breath.

Apparently, I mutter a bit too loudly, because Belren grimaces and then the king picks up his head from where he’d been leaning back. His back is to me, so I only see the side of his face and his white hair, but he lifts an arm out of the steaming water and waves me forward. “Finally,” he says with irritation. “All of you non-brownie servants are practically useless. Get on with it, would you?” He holds up a bar of soap for me and I send Belren a panicked look, but the thief just backs away until he’s completely hidden in the shadows of the room.

I glare in his general direction.

“Servant!” the king barks, making me jump.

I rush forward and reach out to take the soap from him. My hands are kind of shaking, so instead of getting a good hold on it, my hand knocks into it, sending it plopping into the water.

I lift my panicked eyes up to him, but he just sighs and tips his head back. “Fine. You can start with my bottom half.”

Did I just hear the shadows chuckle? I’m going to smother that thief in his sleep.

Gritting my teeth, I roll up my sleeves and dip my hand into the water, trying not to grimace as I graze his purple-colored thigh in my search for the soap bar. I swear, if the thing landed on his junk, I’m gonna blow my cover.

Luckily, I find the soap in the corner near his knobby knee, and snatch it up. I thank whatever lady luck powers that might have been responsible for that.

I move to the end of the tub and start washing his feet, since it seems like a safe spot. I start soaping them up and, yeah, the guy needs a serious pedicure. Doesn’t he have handlers for this sort of thing? His toenails are like yellowed, ridged claws stuffed with toe jam. I’m forced to swallow a gag. Aside from his general ancientness, he also looks a bit sickly, to be honest. He seems paler and thinner than he used to, and just…drained.

I hear the king sigh as he kicks his other foot at me. “What are you doing?” he snaps, his head coming up so that he can glare at me.

“Umm, washing your feet?”

“You’re terrible at this,” he declares. “Massage them right, or I’ll send you to work in the stables shoveling horseshit for the rest of your insignificant life.”

“S-sorry,” I sputter.

“This is what’s wrong with the realm today. Fae don’t know their place. My son and I are royalty. What we say is law, and it’s time you all are reminded of that fact!” he says, smacking a hand down on a knobby knee and making water splash all over the room. “These uprisings from lesser fae, and these servants thinking they can just walk out…” He pauses, his face full of furious indignation. “We will make them pay. My son is a thinker. Plans everything ahead. He saw the writing on the wall, oh yes,” he says, nodding to himself. “We will have order and devotion, or we will wipe them all out!”

I flinch at the vehemence of his voice.

“Control,” he goes on. “It’s all about control. My son knows. He understands the need for control. I made sure of it.” The king stops his rant, like he’s suddenly remembered that I’m in the room with him. I wish I weren’t. I’m pretty sure I can see a purple pube floating in the water.

“Well?” he barks. “Get to it!”

Jumping into action, I quickly start massaging my thumbs into the arches of his feet. After a moment, he relaxes back again, and closes his eyes with a disturbing moan when I massage up to his calf.

Oh man, please don’t let this be a happy ending bath time scrub. I will be scarred for life.

Just when I’m about to curse Belren for all eternity for taking his sweet ass time, he finally comes sauntering out of the shadows holding the parodworm. He has most of it wrapped around his forearm, while he holds the head up with his fingers. Its tongue is already out, purple and lolling from side to side, trying to make contact with something as it wriggles in his hold.

Belren brings the worm to the king’s back, and I keep up my massage, rubbing the muscles in his legs without pause. I’m terrified that he’ll open his eyes, notice Belren, and raise the alarm. I’m so vigorous in my attempt at distracting him, that I go up a little too far. The king makes another little moan of satisfaction.

I snatch my hands back in mortification and repulsion.

Oh my gods I touched his porksword. It was hairy. Also, slightly chafed. I’m this close to going into the Veil and letting Belren deal with him on his own.

“Don’t stop,” King Beluar snaps.

Fucking. Ew. And also, nope. Not happening.

I make a face at Belren, but it’s clear from the way he’s practically biting off his own lips that he’s trying not to laugh at me and is no help whatsoever. Jerk.

Having gotten its required lick, the worm starts shimmering. Belren gives a quick jerk of his head to follow him, and then slips out of the room without a sound. I’m left gawking like an idiot, trying to figure out how to get out of giving the monarch of the realm a handy.

Cupid problems.