Chasing River

Connected

IT WAS JUST after midnight and my mind began to wander as it usually did at that hour, I closed my eyes, and images of what happened in the art room earlier began to flood my mind. My fingers wandered in the dark to all the places River touched…even places he didn’t, places I wanted him to touch. He was frustrating in all the most pleasurable ways.

I thought about how he’d opened up to me last night, how he’d had the courage and felt close enough to me to let me into his mind palace. I was happy that he’d done so, and shared this burden with me. But I still got the idea that he was still not telling me everything, I mean, of course, he wasn’t and I’d ask him about that another time, and if he didn’t want to tell me even then I’d simply have to learn to be okay with it. I was still a bit of a stranger to him after all, I couldn’t expect the world.

I couldn’t imagine what it must’ve been like to lose your best friend, I’d never had one, I didn’t have time to do normal teenage things like making friends during high school because I was far too busy working to get here, at St Katherine’s. And sometimes I wondered if it was all worth it, if my efforts would soon pay off. That all the sacrifices I’d made during high school to my social life were all worth it, because if they weren’t— well if they weren’t I wouldn’t be able to handle that.

Just as I was getting ready for school my cell phone begun to ring and I answered my mother’s call.

“Good morning Armani.” My mother greeted,

“Good morning mama, are you well?” I asked her, “How is everyone at home?”

“I’m well and so is your father and Jaadi. I just got back from the grocery store and I accidentally picked up that awful sugared cereal you like out of habit. Now it’ll sit in the pantry until you come back.” She disclosed with frustration but I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Is this your way of saying that you miss me mama?”

“What I’m saying is that I hope you’re staying focused on your studies. I got an email from your school telling me about how well you did on your recent photography project.” She trailed off for a bit before saying, “Your father and I were glad to hear it, we told all your aunties and uncles. Your bibi was very happy too.”

“Thank you. How is she now?” I asked, just like I’d been asking almost every day.

“She has her good days and her bad.”

“Oh okay.” I acknowledged feeling a lump rise in my throat, “If I don’t start off now I’ll be late to class, can we continue talking later?”

“Okay, have a good day,” Mama responded by hanging up and I tried my best not to cry as my heart longed for my bibi.

All my classes the next day were a complete bore, I had lunch with Merilla that day since I wasn’t sure exactly where Fabian and I stood. I couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable about what I’d overheard yesterday. He did have good intentions at heart but him going up to River was completely wrong and I couldn’t ignore that. I wanted Fabian to understand that even when I do get hurt that it’s not his place to go ahead and fight my battles for me.

Merilla and I sat on a picnic blanket on the grass on campus for lunch, away from the hustle and bustle of the cafeteria. She was catching up on some last-minute studying for a computer science test she had in the next period. She wore an orange sweater with Garfield on it and a pair of plain black jeans. She had colourful Bobby pins in her thick dark curls as she tapped away at her laptop. I handed her a bright green Granny Smith apple from my lunch tray and she smiled taking a bite out of it.

“Is Keomi, Fabian or Geneviève your best friend?” I asked curiously,

“They’re all my best friends silly. I mean have you seen them? They need someone to balance out all their chaos.” She laughed and so did I.

“Yeah, you’re right.” I agreed,

“I mean there used to be another balance but I don’t think I should talk about that.” She sighed,

“You can talk to me about whatever is on your heart, whenever you’re ready.” I reminded her.

I find it peculiar how despite the fact that their friendship group all made an agreement not to discuss any matters relating to Jace, they all individually let something slip to me. They all swore that they never talk about it and yet each and every one of them, aside from Geneviève of course had told me a little truth or two about him. Perhaps Keomi was right, perhaps the burden was becoming far too much for them all to bear.

“We had a friend who died last year, he was usually the calm one who kept everyone at bay. But when he passed all hell broke loose and I had to find a way to be that person for them.” She disclosed,

“Wow, that’s a huge responsibility.” I acknowledged placing a hand on her shoulder.

“I know but I’m happy to take it, although sometimes I can’t help but feel like I’m nothing but a Band-Aid on a bullet wound.” She explained to me, her eyes slightly teary. I wanted to change the subject to something lighter for her sake.

‘Where are you from Mer?’ I asked and she shut down her laptop,

‘Kingston, Jamaica.’ She told me, grabbing her backpack and proudly showing me the flag on her keychain. ‘But just like you, I spent a lot of time with my daddy in the US, so my accent isn’t exactly legit.’

‘I always felt like I didn’t belong anywhere, like I was living between two worlds where two different Armani’s existed.’ I reflected and something about the way she looked at me, told me we’d found some common ground, an understanding of sorts.

‘I feel you; I had the Merilla who loved dancing and helping her mummy out at the reggae music store back in Kingston and the Merilla who was a budding artist and barely had friends in Arizona.’ She reminisced looking down, ‘That shit wasn’t easy to deal with.’

‘Every time I visited my home in Nairobi, I always had my cousins making me feel like I wasn’t African enough since I moved away, it’s not like I wanted to anyway, but I knew that Florida offered me a chance at a better life and more opportunities.’ I added, ‘Do you ever talk to the others about Jamaica?’

‘I want to sometimes, but I doubt they’d understand, but you do Armani and I’m grateful for that.’ Merilla smiled, grabbing hold of my hands, ‘Now come on we’ve got to get to class.’

My last class of the day was Art, as usual, and I was a little late because I had to walk halfway across campus to get to the left-wing, and I may or may not have stopped at a confectionery stand to buy a pack of gummy worms, but hey who was I to resist the golden opportunity?

When I walked into class everyone was crowded around the corner of the class to see something monsieur Etienne was holding up, I wasn’t too curious about what it was until I heard someone say it was unlike anything they’d ever seen before and it was then I knew I had to see it for myself. I shoved past a few busybodies and made my way to the front of the crowd to get a clear view and when I say that me being in shock was a complete understatement. Monsieur Etienne was holding up an abstract nude painting of a dark-skinned woman, it was beyond impressive, and I wondered where he’d purchased it.

Each brush stroke had a smudging quality with hues of red, blue, and brown paint creating this watercolor purple scene. Every curve of the woman’s body was captured perfectly, and I’d imagined it was painted by her lover- or at least someone who truly knew every inch of her being. It was a personal painting, with an intimate feeling you couldn’t ignore.

But then my gaze caught the signature on the bottom left of the painting, and my heart dropped, RK was written in cursive. And it was then that I realized and felt stupid for not knowing sooner that this wasn’t just any woman’s body, but it was my body. He’d messaged me yesterday asking for permission to display it so I don’t know why I was surprised and didn’t recognize it sooner. Perhaps I should’ve been upset about it, but how could I? It was magnificent and it made me feel strangely confident. I wanted him to be able to show this piece to the class, maybe because it felt rather thrilling to know that we had this little secret, that no one would know it was me.

‘Now now settle down class, merci!’ Monsieur Ettiene exclaimed and the class went silent,

‘This is a nude abstract piece by our very own River Kennedy entitled fille de rêve, or dream girl in English. It wasn’t assigned but he brought it to me for guidance and while it’s far from perfect…it’s hard to ignore the sheer talent.’

My eye turned to the back of the class where River was seated watching everyone fuss and gush over his artwork, I couldn’t help but feel a little timid and exposed even though no one knew or suspected it was me. A faint sinister smirk played on his god-like face, daring me to look away.

‘I can’t believe it,’ I murmured to myself rubbing my temples,

‘You better believe it, what did I tell you on your first day here, new girl?’ Victoria King chimed appearing in front of me with her arms folded, she was dressed in all black and her long black hair cascaded down to her elbows, she’d cut bangs now and she looked an awful lot like Wednesday Adams.

‘What?’ I perplexed, not even paying attention,

‘River is monsieur Ettiene’s prodigy, his fucking lifeline, and the school’s personal trophy they like to show off any chance they get.’ Victoria badgered glancing towards River who was no longer interested and no longer paying attention to me.

“No he’s not…” I wavered,

‘Oh yeah?’ She challenged, ‘Who’s sculpture do you think is up in Principal Dubois office right now, who’s paintings are all over the assembly hall?’

‘There’s no way those are all his I-‘ I began but she cut me off,

‘They are, and all our work gets cooped up in here for no one to see until their ridiculous pity exhibits they hold every end of the term.’ Victoria addressed,

‘Look it’s not my problem if you’ve all given up, but I’m not planning on cowering before I’ve even tried. and I will try and I will come out on top.’ I persisted and I could tell she was taken aback at my forwardness,

‘You’ll have fun trying to crawl your way up the

St Kathrine’s Hierarchy at first, but it’s a nasty fall on the way down which Is why some of us have to find other ways to get to the top.’ Victoria declared, placing a hand on my shoulder as she passed by and made her way over to River.

Victoria took a seat on River’s desk so she was right in front of him, River gazed up at her, if he cared or was even remotely entertained he was not letting it show. She leaned in closer and spoke in a slow, daring voice, her English accent thick and more prominent than ever,

‘I want you to paint me as you did with her,’ she requested, gesturing to the painting, ‘except with me you can take everything off.’

My breath caught in my chest and I couldn’t help but feel this burning sensation I couldn’t quite recognize. Not that River was even inherently confined to only me but I couldn’t help but feel…jealous. I noticed a few girls gossiping in the corner about how Victoria King was now River’s new plaything, and that she’d been the first girl bold enough to ever make a move.

I managed to regain my composure for the rest of the period, we learned about the history of fauvism and the artists that impacted the era. All while having to watch Victoria make advances at River who wasn’t mean enough to ignore her but also not interested enough to entertain her. I gathered my books and stuffed them in my satchel trying my best to organize my thoughts.

‘You’re a good artist Miss Nnandi, keep pushing.’ Monsieur Etienne encouraged me and I smiled as a thank you.

The second I’d made my way out of class there was only one thought on my mind, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get him out of my head. Talk. I needed to talk to him right the fuck now. River was walking ahead of me, probably on his way home but I needed him to hear me out first so I raced ahead of him, grabbed him by the arm, and pulled him into the nearby storage room.

I slammed him against the door and pulled him by his jacket and yet suddenly I forgot everything I wanted to say. River was slightly surprised by my sudden gesture and raised an eyebrow in question, probably wondering what I wanted. But I don’t think even I knew the answer to that, what did I want, why did I drag him in here with me. What did I even want to talk about?

What on earth could I possibly say, that I was jealous of the way he was with Victoria, he had every right to talk to whoever he wanted however he liked. Oh God, I was losing my mind, I was spiralling, and my lips parted to speak but nothing came out. I felt a rush of adrenaline as River grabbed me by the waist and spun us around so he was above me, pinning both my hands to the door, my breath was heavy.

‘Use your words Armani,’ River insisted, he leaned in closer towards me and I arched my body up towards his and closed my eyes waiting for him to kiss me, or do anything to me to take away the agony. But just when I thought he would, he didn’t and all he said was,

‘If you want something, all you ever have to do is ask.’ He taunted, before he swung open the door behind me and made his way out.

I was beyond screwed.

The next week had gone by swiftly and I’d gotten a fair amount of schoolwork done, I couldn’t wait for Halloween to come around next week even though I knew it was not particularly celebrated here in France. We had exams the week Halloween came around and I’d been studying for it with everything I’d had. Not only because my parents had been calling nonstop to make sure I was doing so but because It was required for me to keep my scholarship.

Keomi, Merilla, Fabian Gene, and I had been studying in our dorm for the past two hours or so and it was clear that everyone was starting to get incredibly bored.

‘I’m sick of staring at words all day, I mean who gives a fuck about Roosevelt’s New Deal?’ Gene groaned, slamming her history textbook shut.

“Right, and why do I need to know why prohibition never worked out in the USA?” Mer added,

“Because those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” I famously quoted,

“No, it’s because we all decided to take the American history course.” Fabian reminded us with a snort.

“The worst decision of my life,’ Keomi complained burying her face in her textbook.

‘Right let’s take a break.’ Fabian agreed sitting up on Keomi’s bed, Fabian practically lived there rent-free and Keomi didn’t seem to mind at all. Their friendship was comfortable and I’m certain they wouldn’t have had it any other way.

‘We need to get away this weekend, all of us.’ Merilla encouraged and everyone turned to look at her, including me,

‘What do you mean? Because some of us are broke this semester.’ Fabian protested and Keomi agreed,

“Yeah what he said!” I add warning everyone that I was in no place to break my bank account for a holiday. “Fabian spent all his money on Lego sets.”

‘My uncle Claude owns a cabin by Lake Geneva, I could ask him if we could use it for the weekend.’ Geneviève offered, tying her hair in a ponytail before taking out her cell phone,

‘Oh my God Gene that’s amazing!’ Keomi beamed, ‘But it has to be all of us, including RK.’

‘You’ve got a better chance convincing pigs to fly.’ Fabian scoffed and Mer swatted him on the shoulder,

‘Don’t be such a negative Nancy Fabes, Armani text him and tell him to come over, he shouldn’t be far I just saw him at the art department when I went down to get my folder.’ Merilla insisted and I pulled out my phone to text him.

“Why Armani, I can invite him myself?” Gene asked looking slightly insulted.

“Because he can’t say no to her, duh!” Keomi commented winking at me.

ME: Riverrrr

ME: ??

RIVER: I’ve been summoned…?

ME: Weirdo :/

RIVER: what

ME: Come over to Keomi & I’s dorm we have an adventure planned

RIVER: Now?

ME: Yes, now hurry!

Message Read at 15:44

‘He says he’s on his way,’ I told them despite not getting a definite answer,

‘We need a chance to reconnect after everything you know? It’s no secret that things haven’t been easy, for any of us since…’ Keomi begun but Gene spoke up,

‘You need to be able to just say it Keomi, we all need to be able to at least say it if we stand a chance of healing from his loss.’ Geneviève burst out,

“You’re right, we need to be able to at least bring it up casually, Jace wouldn’t want us to treat his memory like an urban legend.” Fabian interrupted,

“He did have an irrational fear of the phantom of the opera.” Keomi joked and Fabian smiled at her, her eyes twinkled when he did. Fabian always laughed at Keomi’s jokes, even when they were not particularly funny.

‘This may be a tad bit controversial but I think it’s too soon.’ Merilla sighed ‘And if you want River to come along with us then you need to stop twisting the knife in an already open wound.’

‘I wasn’t trying to-‘ Gene says, her voice small.

“The truth of the matter is that it’s been almost a year now,” Fabain remarked defensively. “It’s time to let go.”

‘Come in!’ Keomi and I both called once we heard the knock on the door. Then in walked River, almost too tall for the walkway so he had to lower his head a little bit. Something I had noticed about the never-ending enigma that was River Kennedy was that he was either extravagantly dressed like a passenger about to board the Titanic or he was dressed like he just woke up for a midnight snack. Nevertheless, he looked stunning. There wasn’t exactly anywhere for him to sit so I moved aside on my bed so he could sit next to me. He lay down resting his arms behind his head, it killed me how he could be so casual.

“Pourquoi suis-je ici ?” Why am I here, he asked.

‘Listen close River, my uncle Claude has a Cabin up in mountains by Lake Geneva.’ Geneviève began and we all listened in,

‘Switzerland?’ River asked, ‘c’est à cinq heures de Paris.’ That’s five hours away from Paris.

‘Je sais, que c’est pour ça que nous prendrons le métro.’ Geneviève clarified, I know that’s why we’ll take the metro.

‘Can you guys please speak English, or speak a little slower, my French isn’t exactly the best yet.’ I smiled guiltily and Geneviève rolled her eyes at me,

‘C’est la France, pas la Floride, personne ne doit de traductions à ton cul américain.’ Geneviève provoked, this is France not Florida therefore nobody owes your American ass any translations. I sure as hell understood that. “Should I switch on my subtitles for you?”

‘Geneviève.’ River stepped in and she immediately flashed me a plastic smile.

‘Do you really think arguing is the best way to convince him to tag along?’ Fabian warned,

‘Look, this is a chance for all of us to get to know each other again, including Armani. Everything has been so hectic with school lately and we thought we could all use a break. We really hope you decide to come along River.’ Keomi addressed,

“You want me to come with you?” River asked slightly taken aback by the offer and Keomi smiled at him.

“Of course we do.” She assured him gesturing to everyone in the room for clarification,

“We all do,” Geneviève said with an eye roll.

“See?” I whispered to him in encouragement, “I told you they miss you a lot.”

I noticed a slight tint to his cheeks as he appeared somewhat overwhelmed by the love radiating towards him. Like he wasn’t expecting his friends to still want anything to do with him at all.

‘When do we leave?’ River asked, taking everyone by surprise, but not me, I knew he missed his friends if only he’d admit it. Geneviève got up and checked the calendar on my wall,

‘Tomorrow morning, I’ll book us tickets online.’ She beamed, clapping her hands joyously.

I wondered what it would be like alone with River in the mountains, would it get too cold on one of those long autumn nights, How ever would we keep warm?