Black Blood

‘Are you sure about this? Do you want this?’ Novak asks softly. With a lump in my throat, I nod. It’s the truth. I want to know if things are different, if the sex with Christiaan was normal. I trust Novak.

‘Say it,’ he urges me.

‘Yes I want this,’ I admit honestly. Never has anyone asked this, nor have I given this answer. Novak gently pushes my legs open further, takes a seat between them. His hips are between mine. His erection pushes against the inside of my hips. This position takes me back to the castle, to the times with Christiaan. I remember his touch, his moans and words. I close my eyes and try to push the thoughts away.

Novak gently presses his lips to mine. I hope it resists my thoughts, but it does the opposite. Christiaan’s words drone in my head. The familiar panic begins to envelope my body. My breathing quickens, my muscles tighten and even the tears almost spring to my eyes. Automatically, I put my hands against Novak’s chest. He immediately removes his lips from mine.

‘Do you want me to stop?’ he asks softly. I knew this situation would trigger memories but not in this capacity. I can’t handle this position. It is the position in which I have been raped so many times. Yet I don’t want to stop. If we stop now, I am sure that I will never find the courage to try again. I open my eyes and look into Novak’s worried eyes.

‘Can we...can we get another.... position,’ I mumble embarrassedly. Novak nods without hesitation. He pushes himself off me and comes to lie next to me.

‘Do you want to look at me or not?’ he asks as he pulls the covers over us. I appreciate that gesture. It makes me feel more at ease.

‘I want to look at you,’ I reply. That nasty look from Christiaan has to leave my mind. I want Novak’s sweet face on my retina. I turn on my side and look at him. Gently he puts his hand on my lower back and pulls me closer to him.

‘Can you put your leg over my hip?’ I look at him, not understanding, until he puts his hand on my upper leg. Carefully, he pushes my upper leg over his. My foot touches the mattress behind him. This is a position I have never been in before but strangely enough it does not feel strange. Novak puts his hand on my lower back. Again our lips meet. This time it feels just fine. No flashbacks or screaming in my head. I relax and enjoy the feeling. His touch is soft and tender. I appreciate the time he gives me. Soon the kiss changes to passionate. The curiosity and lust finds its way back into my body. Automatically I push myself closer to Novak. My breathing speeds up, my hands find his neck and my hips start to move of their own accord. That seems to be Novak’s cue.

‘Tell me if it hurts,’ he says softly. I just nod. The nerves come back, but are there in smaller sizes than just now. I am startled when I feel him against my opening. I automatically squeeze my eyes shut. Novak’s hand gently strokes the skin of my lower back. His lips move slowly against mine in an attempt to distract me. Very slowly I feel him slide in a little. I stop moving my lips, too distracted to pay attention. I wait for the burning pain but it doesn’t come. Slowly, he slides a little further in. Still no pain. It feels crazy, full, but not painful.

‘Are you okay?’ he asks softly without moving any further. I open my eyes. His eyes are worried until I nod. Slowly I feel him go further in. His jaw tightens, his eyes half shut for a moment. For a moment, a jolt of pain goes through me. I immediately want to pull away, but as quickly as the pain came, it leaves again.

‘Can I move?’ he asks. I didn’t even realise we had already reached that stage. My head is a blur, but at the same time supremely alert.

‘Yes,’ I answer. Novak smiles before he connects our lips again. I immediately join in the kiss. Slowly I feel him slide out of me a little and back in again. For a moment it feels uncomfortable. I push my fingers into his neck. The second time he moves his hips, the uncomfortableness is less, the third time it is gone. Slowly, I begin to relax more. The kiss becomes more intense, Novak’s movements a little faster. Without noticing it, my breathing speeds up. Everything around me, my thoughts and memories seem to fade away. It’s almost scary to admit it’s starting to feel good.

As soon as Novak speeds up his movements slightly I feel something I’ve never felt during sex before, pleasure. Those little tingles down my spine have an immense effect. I completely lose focus on the kiss, braiding my fingers in his hair. Novak seems to have noticed and keeps moving at the same pace. Finally, I begin to understand why people like this.

I drop my head into the pillow, have to gasp here and there. I have almost lost control of my body. My legs move at their own will, the sounds that leave my mouth are anything but controlled. Novak’s hands slide down my back to my buttocks, squeezing them gently. When I can focus I open my eyes. Two red eyes look back at me, but Novak doesn’t keep his eyes open for long either. His expression shines with joy, pleasure and love. I press a kiss to his lips for as long as I can and run a hand through his hair.

Novak’s hand slides from my buttocks to my stomach and lower. The pace of his hips increases slightly. His fingers find my clit and start circling it. This only makes the feeling stronger. Something happens that I had expected last, the feeling in my lower abdomen begins to build. I can’t keep the sounds inside anymore, and neither can Novak. With Christiaan, I found those sounds a downright hell, with Novak they sound like music to my ears. As crazy as that may sound. We seem to have lost ourselves completely in the pleasure.

The feeling keeps building and my orgasm is getting closer and closer. Novak’s movements are getting sloppier, which gives me enough information to know that I am not the only one on the way to an orgasm. I press my lips to his, sliding my tongue around his. His fingers increase their pace, quickly drawing my attention away from the kiss.

The feeling builds and builds until I’m on the verge of tears again. Novak placing his lips on my neck are the final push I need to fall. My orgasm shoots around me like a tornado. I grab Novak tightly by his arms and push my head against his chest. All my muscles tighten rhythmically as perhaps the best feeling ever rages through me. It doesn’t take long before Novak shakes too, lets out a louder moan and his hand stops moving.

We both lie exhausted on the bed. This is how my first time should have been, this is how sex should have been. I suddenly understand. I look into the two tired but loving red eyes and press my lips to his, full of joy and gratitude.

I look into the two tired, but loving red eyes and press my lips full of joy and gratitude on his.