Black Blood

I slowly slide back the chair and stand up. Do I want this? Do I really want this? I am 99% sure that the answer is yes. There is and remains a fear. Images from the past are etched in my brain and sounds of Christiaan still echo in my ears. It is time to replace those memories with a new one, a good one.

I walk slowly, gathering my courage, towards Novak. He stands unsuspectingly washing the pans. I gently place my hands on his shoulders and slide them down his back. I feel his muscles tighten under my touch. My breathing is high, my heart in my throat.

Without saying a word, Novak slowly turns around and two red eyes look at me questioningly. I have never taken the first step sexually, so what to do and how to put it into words is a big mystery to me. Besides, the fear and the memories don’t help. I sigh deeply as he wraps his arms around my waist. I have known Novak for longer than a day. He knows there is something I struggle with or don’t dare to say. Yet he doesn’t push me. He waits.

I press my lips against his in an attempt to gather courage and get my head in order.

There seems to be a little angel and a little devil screaming in my head. The angel is telling me to throw all my fears aside. The devil talks me into fears. Yet it is the angel who comes up with the best argument.

You regret most the things you did not do.

I take my lips from Novak’s and look at him in his red eyes.

‘I want it, now really,’ I say without thinking any further. I see the two red eyes light up like never before. I am glad that he seems to understand immediately what I mean and there is no need to explain. The next moment, Novak presses his lips to mine. The kiss is passionate, lustful, but not rushed. His tongue slides along mine in the most sensual way imaginable. There is a peace between us that I really appreciate. I hardly notice that Novak starts to pull me towards the bedroom. I have to admit that nerves are racing through my body. I try to push them away by getting absorbed in the kiss.

As soon as I take my lips from his, we are in the bedroom. I only take a moment to look around before Novak puts his lips against the skin of my neck. My eyes immediately fall shut, my mouth slightly open. His lips make soft but wet kisses on my neck. It makes the tingles run down my spine. His hands slide down my waist over my buttocks to the edge of the nightgown. As soon as he removes his lips from my neck, he pulls the nightgown over my head and throws it on the floor. I am left in only my pants.

‘This is not fair,’ I say with a smile. I put the bit of nerves aside and put my arms around Novak’s neck. I have no idea what to do, but I put my lips against his neck. I try to make the same movements he did with me. His hands gripping my waist tighter and his quickened heartbeat tell me I’m doing something right. I make a trail of kisses up to his shoulder and then take my head from his neck. His red eyes seem darker than before. My hands have slipped to the bottom of his blouse. Slowly, I pull the piece of fabric over his head. As soon as our eyes meet again, I see a smiling boy standing in front of me.

‘Better?’ he asks grinning.

‘Definitely,’ I reply. He grins and pushes me back a bit until I end up on the bed. The bed is even softer than expected. Novak climbs on top of me and reunites our lips. My hands automatically go to his hair, gently pulling the black strands. An approving sound escapes from his mouth. My body starts to get warmer, my head emptier. He takes his lips from mine and again places his lips on my neck. This time he doesn’t stop at my shoulder but continues over my chest, through my breasts to my belly. My hands are automatically in his hair. My heartbeat is accelerated, my hands clammy.

‘May I?’ Novak asks as soon as he has reached the edge of my pants. Without hesitation I nod. The tension and excitement have reached a new high. Nerves and fear have faded into the background. He hooks his fingers behind the edge of my pants and slowly pulls them out over my legs. I’m left naked and strangely enough, it doesn’t make me uncomfortable. It’s not the first time he’s seen this, hopefully not the last.

Before I realise it, I feel something warm and wet against the most intimate part of my body. At first I startle and I almost want to push Novak away when I realise that it is his tongue. That must be dirty, right? Is the only thing I can think. That thought flies away pretty quickly when he moves his tongue again. My head falls back into the pillow, my hands clutch at his hair and my eyes roll in their sockets. I could describe this as the best feeling on earth. Although the idea remains a little crazy, I don’t want him to stop. It doesn’t take long for the first sound to leave my lips. It’s wet, warm and feels nice beyond belief. Christiaan has never done this, but I’m glad Novak does.

It doesn’t take long for that familiar feeling to creep into my lower abdomen. I don’t know exactly what he is doing or what movements he is making, but he is doing something right. Never before has that feeling built up so quickly and my head been so empty. I don’t keep sounds inside anymore either, even though I didn’t even try. As soon as he sucks once, I am on the verge of tears, but that is also the moment that Novak pulls away. He laughs as soon as he looks at me again.

‘Don’t look so angry. We’re not done yet,’ he says with a grin. I’m the fuzzy one to realise what he’s talking about at all. He wipes his mouth on his hand, leans forward and presses a kiss to my lips. He gets down on his knees and starts unbuttoning his trousers. I quickly put my hand on his. Not to stop him, but to take over. Without saying a word, I gently push his hands away and start unbuttoning his trousers. That is when the nerves shoot back into my body. A man’s penis is nothing new, but Novak’s is.

I pull his trousers off his legs and throw them on the floor somewhere. At first I had left his pants on, but that will have to come off as well. For a moment, I think Novak is going to make a remark about it, but he keeps quiet. He smiles encouragingly. I pluck up the courage I need, hook my fingers between the edges and pull the last bit of fabric from between us. I purposely avert my gaze. It feels weird to be staring at it unabashedly and it makes me a little nervous. I throw the pants into the room and sigh deeply.

Novak sits up and pulls me to him. He ties our lips together again. This time the kiss contains not lust but love. It is a gentle kiss, not rushed or sexual. It makes me relax a little more. He gently pushes me down on the bed, kisses me some more and finally takes his lips off mine.The moment is there and I am more nervous than ever. With Christiaan, an intense feeling of fear overwhelms me; this is not that fear. These are nerves for what is to come, for the amount of pain and deep down somewhere a hope for pleasure. Everything about this situation is different from the ones I have known, yet I expect the same. I expect the burning pain, the blood and the tears. What else should I do if that is all I know?