XOXO (An XOXO Novel)

I google “Jaewoo XOXO” on the subway ride back to my grandmother’s apartment and discover his age, seventeen years old, and birthday, September 1. And that he’s 182 centimeters. He wasn’t lying about that.

He was born in Busan, South Korea, and moved to the US when he was in elementary school, which explains his English-speaking skills, before moving back to Busan in middle school where he was “discovered” because of his good looks. He trained for five years, then debuted with XOXO last year.

They were already popular as a rookie group, but their recent release of “Don’t Look Back” broke records on all the music charts.

No wonder Nathaniel was surprised I hadn’t recognized him or Youngmin. I’m sure everyone in Seoul knows who they are.

Their fan club is called the Kiss and Hug Club, and this summer the band is going on a world tour, with a stop in New York City.

I put in my earbuds and open up YouTube, searching “XOXO.” The music video for “Don’t Look Back” is the first to come up. I click on it.

I watch the video in a stunned daze, trying to absorb both the gorgeous visuals and the lyrics to the song. The raps are too fast for me to understand, but the chorus goes something like: “Even if I’m crying, even if I’m on the floor and dying, don’t look back, don’t look back.” Which is super dramatic, but, wow, I have chills. The video seems to be this reverse Orpheus and Eurydice concept where each of the boys is going through harrowing trials in a noir-underworld aesthetic, while in the background a girl, her back to the camera, is shown walking away.

Interspersed through it all are clips of them dancing in a warehouse, their movements synchronized and complex, and Jaewoo is wearing the outfit that he wore at the karaoke bar the night that I met him. He must have broken his arm during the music video shoot and then somehow ended up at Jay’s after going to the hospital.

It’s clear why Nathaniel is considered the “main dancer” of the group. He’s incredible; it’s difficult to look away from him when he’s at the front of the formation, and yet . . . Jaewoo is the one who completely captures my attention. His movements aren’t as electrifying as Nathaniel’s, but they’re clean and smooth, and his voice . . . He sings parts of the verses and harmonizes with the others for the chorus, but the bridge is completely his, the beat stripped out to accentuate his beautiful tone. At one point, he does a run, going from low to high, and my whole body shivers.

The video ends and YouTube recommends a performance video and a dance practice video. I watch both, and then another with XOXO on some sort of variety show where they play a very complex game of tag.

I’m so immersed in the videos I almost miss the friendly female voice over the subway intercom announcing that we’ve reached my station. I look up from my phone only to meet the gaze of a girl around my age seated next to me, who apparently was watching the screen of my phone over my shoulder.

She nods at me knowingly.

Back at my grandmother’s apartment, Halmeoni’s not feeling up to going out, so we order jjajangmyeon from a restaurant down the street, which delivers the black bean noodle in a record fifteen minutes.

After dinner, I collapse onto my bed—which is just blankets on the floor because my grandmother only has one guest bed—and continue my internet sleuthing.

The oldest member, Sun, is cold and handsome, famous for his long hair and slender eyes that make him look like a hot supervillain in a video game. Nathaniel is from New York, and intriguingly, the first article that comes up when his name is searched is about a scandal he had a few months back with an unnamed trainee—someone who hadn’t yet debuted in a group or as a solo artist—from Joah, their entertainment company. Apparently he dated this girl in secret for months before Bulletin, a major tabloid magazine, released photos of the two of them together, though the photos were blurred online. The trainee’s identity was never released, but netizens have theories. Youngmin is not only the youngest in the group, but the youngest of five siblings. As for Jaewoo, there’s very little about his personal life, besides the fact that he’s originally from Busan. He hasn’t had any scandals, and a recent poll claims that of the four members, he’s the most likely to never disappoint his parents, whatever that means. His nickname is also “Prince” among idols because of his charming manners and stellar reputation.

“Shouldn’t you go to sleep?” Mom says when she comes into the room around midnight. “What are you doing anyway? I’ve never known you to be attached to your phone.”

“Nothing.” I close out the browser and slip the phone under my pillow.

“Your halmeoni and I weren’t able to go to the clinic like we planned today,” Mom says, “so I want to take her tomorrow. I know I said I’d help you move into your dorm . . .”

“It’s fine,” I quickly reassure her, “I’ll take a cab.”

She turns off the lights and I settle onto my back on the blankets, though when I close my eyes, I can’t seem to fall asleep.

I think it’s finally dawning on me that the boy I met at the karaoke bar—Jaewoo—is an idol, famous enough that his face is plastered onto walls and his music video plays between ads on the subway.

Thinking back to that night in LA, I cringe to remember some of things I said to him. I accused him of being a gangster, though now I know he was only dressed that way because of the music video. Was he laughing at me the whole time? I scowl at the thought, but I also feel a bit hurt. Though, even if he was laughing at my expense in the beginning, as the night went on, I feel like something did change between us, as we shared more about ourselves.

I have a sudden thought. If Nathaniel and Youngmin attend SAA, then it’s likely Jaewoo does too.

Of course it’s entirely possible that he doesn’t go to my school. Yet, somehow I know that’s not the case.

My heart beats thickly knowing that I might see him again, and soon.

What will he say to me? What will I say to him?

I take a calm, steadying breath.

There’s no use worrying about that now. Or at least, that’s what I tell myself, as for the next few hours, I toss and turn until finally succumbing to a sleep full of fitful dreams of the boys of XOXO as they were in the music video, except the girl walking away is me.