Would You Rather: A Novel

“Go on, get out of here.” Graham put the car in Park, his glare belied by the wide grin on his face. “We’re not doing this again until you’re out of the honeymoon phase.”

Noah grunted something in response and grabbed his backpack. He’d been a shitty companion the last two days, it was true. He’d worried about Mia the whole time, and hadn’t been able to shut off his thoughts. Service was sketchy at the campsite, and the inability to text her and check in anytime he wanted made it worse. Being around her constantly these last few weeks had put her on his mind more than usual, and not just with the usual thoughts of whether she was happy or if she was feeling well. Now he wondered if she felt at home at his place—and what his electric bill would be. The woman left every light in the house on, and without him trailing behind her turning them off, his house probably sat like a neighborhood homing beacon all weekend.

He was also concerned about what Julia had said about David, and the fact David likely knew what he and Mia were doing. David had yet to say anything, and Noah had decided not to tell Mia. It would only stress her out, and maybe nothing would come of it. But just knowing that David knew… It still made him uneasy.

He should have canceled the trip altogether. Climbing while distracted was a recipe for disaster, but thankfully nothing had gone wrong.

He got out of the car, and when he was halfway up the driveway Graham yelled through the window.

“Think about Banff, okay?”

Noah didn’t even look back. That was another reason this weekend had sucked—Graham had brought up ice climbing. They’d avoided the subject for nine years, and Noah had been stupid enough to believe it was an unspoken understanding to leave it that way.

“Nathan would want you to go.”

Noah stopped in his tracks. He slowly turned.

Graham leaned across the passenger seat, his face clear as day through the window. His cocked brow was unapologetic.

“You don’t know what a dead man wants.”

Graham’s stone face slipped a little. “I know that much.”

“No.” Noah turned his back on his friend and went inside.

He dropped his bag by the door, his eyes immediately searching the room. Mia was on the couch, smiling at him.

“Hey. You’re back.”

He took her in, the coiled tension in his chest slowly releasing like a pressure valve.

The pink in her cheeks—she was here and healthy.

The smile on her face—she was happy to see him, and he reveled in the intoxicating satisfaction that brought him. Even if he had no right to it.

The cascade of dark hair around her shoulders, framing her face and neck—she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. He’d give anything to be able to lay her down on that couch and make her as breathless as he felt just looking at her.

The pressure spread lower, doing the opposite of relaxing, and he dragged his eyes away from her. “Yeah.”

“How was it?”

“Good.” He glanced at his watch. “I’m gonna grab a shower, then we can head over to my parents’. Sound okay?”

“Sure.”

He went to the bathroom and smiled when he found the light on. He shut the door and turned on the water as cold as it would go.

The party at his mom’s went okay at first. The May weather was perfect, and people spilled from the house onto the large back patio. His parents had spent years perfecting the outdoor entertainment space and used it at every opportunity.

When Mia’s parents lived next door it had been nothing but a concrete square with an aged iron table and chairs, but it hadn’t stopped them from spending summer evenings out here. His mom’s penchant to chat for hours had driven him crazy most of the time, but those nights? It meant he and Mia could hang out in the tree house well after curfew while their parents talked for hours about travel and politics.

Those nights were long gone, though. Her parents had downsized several years ago and moved across town, and if his parents had kept in touch with them, he didn’t know about it.

Tonight the space was filled with aunts, uncles, and several of his parents’ friends and colleagues, and he and Mia mingled among them, repeating their rehearsed story of their impromptu marriage several times over. A few of the principals from the firm were there as well, and Noah either held Mia’s hand or had his arm around her most of the party, conscious of the eyes watching them.

Especially his dad’s.

He hoped the other men’s gazes were simply curious about his new, unexpected wife, and had nothing to do with how gorgeous she was in a white tank top and long blue skirt wrapped around her slender waist. That may have been another reason he didn’t stop touching her, possessive bastard that he apparently was. At times he worried his touch might burn her, hot as he felt. But she didn’t seem to notice, or mind his hands on her.

He wasn’t stupid enough to read anything into it. She knew what was necessary here.

About an hour after they arrived, his mom tapped her glass. The conversation died down and everyone turned their attention to her.

“I just wanted to thank everyone for coming. Twenty-five is such a big birthday—” chuckles went around the yard “—and I’m so blessed to have you all here to celebrate it with me. I also want to extend congratulations to my son, Noah, on his recent marriage. Even if they didn’t invite me to the ceremony.”

Noah forced a wide smile as everyone looked at him and Mia, clapping and whistling.

His mom smiled and pressed her fingers to her lips, tears welling in her eyes. “I’m just so happy you two ended up together. I always hoped for it.”

The lump in Noah’s throat tripled in size. Mia’s hand felt warm in his, and she blinked up at him, smiling belatedly, like she remembered performance was required here.

“Me too,” Mia said. She leaned into him, her face tilted up, and Noah acted on impulse.

He lowered his head and pressed his lips to hers. The second he made contact, he pressed closer, unable to stop himself. Her grip on his hand tightened, and his eyes popped open to find her dark eyes looking right at him. He fought the urge to jerk back and separated from her mouth slowly. He cleared his throat.

“Clearly, I’m in agreement,” he croaked out.

Everyone laughed, shattering the external tension he felt pressing against them, though the turmoil roiling in his abdomen didn’t abate. Not even a little.

Everyone eventually drifted to the kitchen for the catered dinner and dessert. Noah excused himself and slipped outside, his long silent strides taking him through the grass to the tree house in the corner of the yard.

He climbed inside, thankful for his father’s foresight to build something sturdy enough for adults. He and Mia had spent hours here through middle and high school. Hours, days, years.

A lifetime.

Settling his back along the exposed tree trunk, he stretched his legs out and slid his phone from his pocket. He searched his music library for Snow Patrol, found “Chasing Cars,” and put it on repeat.

He leaned his head back against the bark and closed his eyes, letting the familiar song—and the feelings that came with it—surround him in the darkness.

He’d just kissed Mia in front of his entire family. In truth, he’d thought of little else since that day in the courthouse. He’d been dying inside, hoping for the chance to have his lips back on hers. But fulfilling that desire had done nothing but plunge him deeper into his constant state of misery.

Not to mention the blue balls—another state he lived in on the daily.

What had he been thinking, marrying her? What on earth had he thought he’d accomplish? He could tell himself all day long he wanted to help her pursue her dreams, and it would be one hundred percent true. But there was more to it, much as he tried to deny it.

He’d wanted to be closer to her. Because apparently seeing her every day at work, and at least three times a week after work, wasn’t enough. He’d denied himself for so long, knowing he didn’t deserve her. Didn’t deserve to be happy after what he’d done. He’d kept his distance for years—almost a decade—and put Mia firmly in the friend category.

Then she’d given him the opportunity for more, and under the guise of doing it for her benefit, he’d jumped on it like a ravenous lion on an injured gazelle.

Well, now she’s close, you idiot. Living with her was like standing next to a fire, feeling the pleasure and warmth, but knowing he didn’t dare put his hand inside the flames.

“Fuck me,” he muttered.

A low creak alerted him that someone was climbing up the ladder. Mia’s dark hair was the first thing he saw, and she climbed on all fours until she was beside him. She tilted her head, listening.

“Snow Patrol, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Reminiscing?”

“Something like that.”

“We must have listened to this song a thousand times.”

“At least.”

The sun was setting and it was dim inside the tree house, but his eyes had adjusted. She smoothed out her skirt and crossed her legs at the ankles, absently picking at her thumbnail. Her dark hair slid forward, a curtain hiding her features. He ached to slide his fingers through the strands and push them back.

To see her face. To touch her lips again.

He looked away. “Was that okay? What I did out there? It just seemed like the believable thing to do.”

“The kiss?”

“Yeah. If you could even call it that.” Maybe minimizing it would force his own feelings to take the hint.

“It wasn’t a kiss?”

His shoulders tensed, and he was thankful for the darkness. “Not really.”

“Felt like it. Your lips were right here.” She tilted her face and touched her bottom lip with her thumb.

It took a mountain of strength not to let his eyes linger there. “I may have put my mouth there,” he managed to get out. “But I didn’t kiss you.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s the exact definition.”

He shifted his gaze to the wood planks at his feet, unable to look at her when he said, “If you and I ever kissed for real, you’d know the difference.”

She shivered, and he wished he had a jacket to offer her.

“Hmm,” she murmured. “Now you’ve got me curious. What would a real kiss from Noah Agnew entail?”

The words came without thought, his number one fantasy one of the clearest scenes in his mind. He’d thought about it so often it was embarrassing. “You know that feeling in your stomach when you know something good’s about to happen? A lot of that. Anticipation, excitement, and maybe a little bit of nerves. When our lips touched, it would be one of two things. Soft and sweet, or deep and intense. Either way, there would definitely be tongue involved. My hands would be in your hair—” He suddenly stopped and coughed, noticing her wide eyes. Shit. “I mean, hypothetically.”

The song ended and silence surrounded them for a few beats before it started back up again.

“Well,” she finally said, and he couldn’t help but notice she seemed a little breathless. “Sounds like it would be quite an experience.”

He forced a quiet laugh, trying to lighten the tension. “I’d like to think so.” He pulled his knees up and extended his arms, resting his forearms there.

They didn’t speak for some time, and he wondered what memories this song conjured up for Mia. He was too chickenshit to ask that, so he asked a different question.

“Would you rather kiss me every once in a while to make sure our relationship seems believable, or find some other way to convince them?”

“Real kisses, or what you did in there?”

Real ones. “What I did in there.”

“That seems easier, don’t you think?”

“I guess.” He nudged her with his shoulder, hating how awkward he felt. “Is this too weird?”

She bumped him back and grinned. “It’s a little weird. But it’s you and me. We’ll figure it out.”

“When? It’s been more than a week.” He didn’t know which was worse—before this whole ruse, where he’d been pretending to only think of her as a friend or now, pretending to be her husband.

The only difference between the scenarios was who he was lying to.

“I don’t know,” she said. “Do you think…”

She trailed off, and he looked over at her. “What?”

She rubbed her hands up and down her thighs, the blue fabric of her skirt rippling under the movement. “Um, do you think maybe we should kiss again? Maybe we just need to get used to it. Make it less of an ordeal.”

He almost choked on his tongue. “Here? Now?”

“Yeah. While we’re alone. It feels so much worse with an audience, and maybe that’s the problem.”

He shook his head at the same time his heart screamed the affirmative. “I don’t think—”

“You’re always thinking,” she said, shifting to her knees. “We both are. Let’s just stop for a minute.”

She took his face in her small hands, angled his head toward her, and pressed her lips to his. Like before, her eyes were open, brown and wide and beautiful. His hands shook with the effort to keep them to himself.

“Noah,” she murmured against his mouth. “Don’t think.”

Don’t think.

He gave in to his body, allowing his arm to rise up and his fingers to slide across her cool cheek. Her eyes slid closed and a small murmur escaped her throat, and at that tiny sound his control snapped. He grabbed her by the waist and hauled her onto his lap. She let out a little yelp but kept her lips against his, settling her thighs down to frame his waist, her hands still on either side of his face.

One of his arms clamped around her back, pressing her against him, while the other slid up the back of her head, gripping her hair in a frenzy. She arched her back—fuck, he couldn’t get her close enough—and opened her mouth to him.

Deep and intense, it is.

Her tongue was in his mouth and he was completely lost. Dying and drowning in her breath, her scent, her touch. He never wanted to come up for air. Ever. Her hands were under his shirt, scorching his skin as they slid up his stomach to his chest.

He lifted his hips a little, unable to stop himself, and she pressed down against him, causing the most beautiful and painful friction. When she said his name on a breathless moan, he was seconds away from flipping her onto her back.

That’s when he came back to himself.

It took the strength of every single cell in his body to take his lips from hers. He dropped his head against the tree, anchoring himself there. Her eyes slowly opened, taking him in.

“Wow. Noah, I—”

He shook his head, his eyes dropping to her swollen lips. Dammit.

“I’m sorry.” His voice sounded raw, like he’d been screaming for hours. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

She slowly climbed off his lap. “Actually, I think I did that.”

“I took it too far.”

She looked at him curiously. “I was okay with it.”

“We can’t do that.”

“Okay,” she said. Her eyes dropped to his lips, then lower. Her eyes went wide. “But, um, why not?”

He shifted a little. “Because. You’re my best friend. We got caught up in the acting. And even though we’re doing this thing, it’s not forever, right?”

Right?

Mia had been anti-relationship and anti-marriage for the last nine years. Vehemently so. He wasn’t naive enough to think one kiss would change her mind, but he wanted to hear it from her.

“Right.” Her tone was all the confirmation he needed.

“Then it’s not worth it to risk our friendship,” he said. “It could mess everything up.”

“Maybe,” she said thoughtfully. “But…what if it makes everything better?”

How could it, if it wasn’t real? “It could ruin us.”

“Maybe it already has.”

He shook his head. “Don’t say that. That was just practice for our public performances. Nothing more. And you were right, it will definitely be easier to kiss you in front of other people now.” When had he become such a good liar? He didn’t know if he was proud or ashamed of himself. Either way, if he allowed things to go further, this wouldn’t end well. “I won’t be weird about it if you won’t.”

She wiped her hand across her lips and he wanted her to take it back. Or to kiss her again, to put him back on her. “Okay. I won’t be weird.”

There was nothing for it. The silence that fell inside that tree house was ten shades of awkward.

“Quick, tell me the thing that’s annoyed you most since I moved in,” she said.

“What?”

“I must do something that drives you crazy.”

She was attempting to lighten the mood, and it worked. “I’ve had to triple the amount of toilet paper I buy.”

Her mouth dropped open. “Excuse me? I have to use it no matter what I’m in there for, you know.”

He laughed. “I know. I guess I just didn’t realize how much faster women go through it. Also, you refold my towels.”

“It’s not my fault you do it wrong.”

“Why don’t you show me the right way, then?”

She shrugged. “Just seems easier to fix it.”

“Every time I wash them?”

“Yep.”

He laughed. “Okay, what about me?”

“You leave dishes in the sink.”

“For like, a day. I do them in the evening.”

“True, but in the morning you just set your coffee cup in there and move on.” She gestured to the right as if she were standing at his sink this very moment. “The dishwasher is right there. You just pivot and put it in there instead of the sink.”

“Could be worse,” he pointed out. “Have you ever seen the state of Graham’s kitchen?”

She shuddered. “No, and I think I’m better off not knowing.”

They climbed down shortly after, though not before Mia peeked through the other side of the tree house at the redbrick home next door. He saw the sadness in her eyes and his own gaze passed over the window that had been her bedroom as a kid.

Her parents had sold the house shortly after the medical bills started rolling in.

They made rounds to say goodbye to everyone, and when they came to his parents, his mom pulled him into a hug. “I’m so proud of you,” she said.

“Thanks, Mom.”

“Nathan would have been so happy,” she continued, tears welling in her eyes again. “He’d have loved to see you and Mia together.”

He stepped away and put his hands in his pockets, suddenly wanting to be anywhere but here. His mother’s words reminded him he’d just kissed the woman he loved, while somewhere in this town his brother’s fiancée was alone, no longer able to kiss the man she loved. A hollow sensation spread through him, as if all his organs had been removed. He was bones and skin, nothing else, in his childhood home without his brother here beside him.

David finally sauntered into Noah’s office a week later. Noah had been expecting him, and quite frankly felt relieved David would finally bring up his accusations. The time that had lapsed since Julia gave her warning had only increased Noah’s concern, which was probably David’s intention.

David left the door open and settled in across from Noah, relaxing casually against the chair. He folded his fingers across his abdomen and smiled.

Noah did his best to appear relaxed despite being wound tighter than a public school budget. “What can I do for you?”

“Julia spoke to you, I presume? I told her not to mention it, but I don’t expect she listened. She always had a soft spot for you.”

Noah wasn’t interested in dancing around the subject. Or talking about Julia. He stood and walked to the door, swinging it shut before resuming his seat. “Why don’t you save us both time and say what you came here to say?”

He let out a low whistle. “Someone’s in a bad mood. What, the wife didn’t put out last night?”

Noah was out of his chair instantly, bent forward with his palms flat on the desk. “Don’t talk about her like that. Ever,” he warned. “I wouldn’t put up with it anywhere, but don’t think just because we’re at work I won’t break your jaw.”

David appeared delighted. “Sure would make things easier for me if you did. Then I wouldn’t have to use the fact that you’re committing insurance fraud against you.”

Noah schooled his features, still on his feet. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Come on, Noah. Let’s not do that. I heard you and Mia talking.”

Noah hated hearing her name come out of this asshole’s mouth. “Whatever you think you heard, it’s not true.”

“You didn’t marry her so she could quit her job and keep medical insurance? The timeline of events suggests otherwise. Seems a little too good to be true that two friends who have never had a public relationship up and get married within weeks of one quitting their job. Especially when that person has a costly medical condition.”

Noah straightened and slid his hands into his pockets. “Regardless of how it looks, that’s what happened. We’ve known each other forever and have been dating for months. I don’t give a shit that you weren’t aware. Your head is too focused on your own business to care about other people. Had we planned on getting married so soon? No. I’ll give you that little piece of honesty. She had an opportunity that required her to quit, and yes, we moved up the wedding for logistical reasons. But it was happening either way.”

“The conversation you two had doesn’t jive with that. Nice try, though. It almost sounds plausible.” He paused. “Almost.”

“Why do you care?” Noah asked. “What is it you want?”

“Sure, I’ll cut to the chase.” He checked his watch. “I have an appointment that started…five minutes ago, anyway.”

Noah’s back teeth snapped together.

“We both know your dad’s retiring, and the string of promotions will open up an associate position.”

Noah’s spine straightened. He’d meant what he said to Mia—he didn’t expect an automatic promotion and he’d worked his ass off to prove his worth at the firm independent of his role as the boss’s son. Either way, Noah was ten times the architect David was. Between the two, Noah was unquestionably the better fit.

“I’m the better candidate,” he said. It may not be the best decision to outline David’s professional shortcomings, but it was the only objective way he knew to explain why he deserved it. “Everyone knows you’ve made some questionable decisions on your projects. Code violations, accessibility issues related to ADA regulations, and vague notations. It’s no secret they’ve required you to have drawings reviewed by a more experienced architect before they’re passed to the engineers.”

David’s cocksure expression slipped a fraction. “That only happened twice, and it was years ago.”

“That’s not what I heard.”

“I guess we’re both eavesdropping on conversations we shouldn’t, huh?” David propped his elbow on the armrest and rubbed his thumb and forefinger together. “I’ve put everything I have into my career and I deserve a shot at the top. I’ve been here longer and have more experience. You shouldn’t assume it’s yours based on nepotism alone.”

“I never assumed that.”

“No?”

“No.”

James McKinley, one of the principals, who would become CEO after the senior Agnew left, had been a key mentor in Noah’s growth and development as an architect. He hadn’t cut Noah any slack. If anything, he’d made him work harder because he was an Agnew.

Did Noah hope to carry on the legacy? Of course. It was far in the future, but he’d always hoped the company might be passed down to him one day. A dream his father shared, especially after Nathan had planned on a completely different career path in Public Relations. The only means to keep the company in the family was through Noah, but even so, he’d never assumed it a foregone conclusion.

Noah resumed his seat, suddenly exhausted with the conversation. “Someone who does their job well doesn’t need to resort to blackmail to move up. It takes hard work and dedication, plain and simple.”

“Things I’ve demonstrated, but people seem so focused on the boss’s son they overlook it.”

“The other principals are in their sixties. Another position will come along.”

“If you’re so sure, it won’t matter if I’m promoted this time, will it? You can wait.”

Noah met David’s stare head-on. “It’s not my decision.”

“No, but your dad listens to you. So does James.” David stood, evidently deciding to honor the time of the client he’d kept waiting. “It would probably be a good idea for you to tell them both you’re not ready, or you think I’m the best fit. You’ve noticed my success and…dedication to the company, as you put it. I don’t care how you do it, but if you want your secret to stay safe, you’ll figure something out.”

David left, and Noah put his elbows on his desk and dropped his head into his hands.

Things just got a lot more complicated.