Would You Rather: A Novel

Noah was eighteen when he realized he was in love with Mia. They, along with a group of friends, had bought tickets to a concert of a popular rock group. It wasn’t until they arrived at the venue that she pulled him to the side, pointing to a different entrance than where their friends were headed.

“Our seats are over here.”

He’d hesitated, not because he wouldn’t follow her anywhere, but just because he was confused.

“They wanted to be on the floor,” she’d explained. “It’s not our scene. Everyone will be wasted and it will be crowded and loud. We won’t be able to enjoy the show.”

He’d have hated to be stuck on his feet in the middle of a pulsing crowd for three hours. It would have embarrassed him if she’d bought separate seats just out of consideration for him, like he was the killjoy who didn’t like to have fun, but she’d done it because she didn’t want to be down there, either. She loved music, loved the band, and she had stood in their front-row seats in the bleachers, swaying and singing along with the most beautiful, content smile on her face.

It had been perfect for both of them, and he’d realized if he could choose just one person to experience these moments with—a concert, a school dance, or even just hanging out on a Friday night—it was her.

His affection for her had only deepened with time. And today, he’d married her.

What have I done?

He lay in bed staring at the dark ceiling, wishing back everything he’d said to her over the last week and a half.

He wanted to help her, sure. He’d cut off his right arm if he thought it might make her happy. Not the left, though. He glanced down to his left forearm and the outline of the dark tattoo there.

Most days he would have said her happiness came before any hesitations he might have. But that was before he saw her KitchenAid mixer on the counter next to the refrigerator. Before her dresses and silky shirts hung in his closet beside his starched oxfords. Before he glimpsed her in a tank top and shorts as she padded down the hall to the guest room.

They’d snuck into her parent’s hot tub all the time as kids. He’d seen her in a swimsuit a million times, for fuck’s sake. She was more than covered up in what she was wearing, but he’d nearly tripped over his feet when he caught sight of her tan legs as she walked past his doorway, her forever-long midnight hair trailing down her back like a waterfall.

This idea was stupid. It was torture.

He’d realized it during the wedding, the second his lips met hers. It should have been a quick peck. She wasn’t in love with him, this wasn’t real, and Claire and a ninety-year-old judge had been watching them. But he hadn’t been able to stop himself from pressing just a little closer, just for one second more. Her palm had gently touched his abdomen, and it had taken everything in him not to haul her up against him, wrap her legs around his waist, and take her to the nearest room where they could be alone.

The things he would do to her…

He’d known living with her would be difficult. But now that he knew the softness of her lips, the feel of her breath against his skin?

He wouldn’t survive it.

A low groan escaped his throat and he rubbed a hand down his face just as his phone lit up on his bedside table.

Mia: You up?

Noah: Are you texting me from the next room?

Mia: Yeah. Is this weird?

Yes. It shouldn’t have been, though. How many nights had they spent texting for hours from their next-door bedrooms mere yards away, because it was too cold to meet in the tree house?

Noah: Nope. Feels like high school.

Noah: You okay?

She didn’t reply for several minutes. What was going through her mind? When she’d asked him the other day if he’d rather fly or read minds, he’d said fly, and meant it. Mia was open with her thoughts, and honest to a fault. He didn’t think she hid anything deep inside.

Not like he did.

Plus, he figured it might just bring him down to find out she didn’t think about him as much as he did her.

But right now? He sort of wanted to change his answer. Today had been weird, and they hadn’t spoken much, and he needed to know what she was thinking. He hoped like hell she didn’t regret this.

He heard a crash in the next room and was on his feet in a flash, ice-cold fear shooting through him. Did she fall? Was she sick? She’d looked kind of pale when they’d finished unpacking—had she pushed too hard?

He tore into her dark room, eyes searching. He found her hunched form on the floor next to the desk.

Noah lurched forward and knelt beside her. “Mia? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

She swept the mane of dark hair back from her face, sending the sweetest scent of vanilla in his direction.

“I’m fine,” she grunted. “I thought it was stupid to be texting you and got out of bed to come talk to you. I’m not familiar with the room yet and walked right into the chair.”

Relief whooshed out of him on an exhale. “You scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry.” She looked up at him, and he realized his hand was spanning her back. Touching the soft, warm skin at the base of her neck. He pulled his hand away and she made to stand, wobbling a little.

He rose with her. “Are you hurt?”

She shook her head as she straightened all the way. “I just hit my knee.”

Her eyes did a slow sweep of his body, and he was keenly aware he was shirtless. He’d kept shorts on because it felt weird to sleep in only his boxer briefs with her there, and in that moment, he’d never been more thankful for the foresight.

His skin felt hot and he fisted his hands at his sides, trying not to notice the curve of her shoulder or the delicate outline of her collarbone.

“What did you want to talk about?” he managed to get out.

Her eyes snapped to his face. “Oh. I, um, I just wanted to say thank you. For everything. It kind of hit me all at once that we actually went through with it. What you did for me.” Her brown irises appeared almost black as they bounced back and forth between his. “I’ll never be able to repay you for this.”

“Stop saying that. I told you, it’s enough for me to see you happy.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Why?”

“I want you to be happy, too,” she said.

“And?”

“Doesn’t mean I’d have offered to break the law to do it.”

The muscles around his lips twitched. “I think you would have.”

She grinned. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

“Plus, you’re making me homemade cinnamon rolls in the morning.”

“Cinnamon rolls? I don’t think I was so specific…”

He shrugged. “I heard it.”

“Like, with yeast and two rises and everything? That’s a lot of work.”

“You promised.”

She laughed, and he relished the sound. “Fine. Cinnamon rolls it is.”

“Good.”

She lowered her gaze a little, looking straight ahead, level with his chest. She frowned and her finger touched his left pectoral. Goose bumps erupted across his skin. “Is that a new one?”

“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “I mean, I’ve had it a few months.”

She nodded. “I guess I just haven’t seen you lately without…” She waved a hand across his midsection. “Like this. It’s beautiful. Is it finished?”

The tattoo was a single feathered wing spread across that side of his chest and onto his shoulder. “Yeah.”

“Just one?”

He wasn’t in the mood to talk about it, so he simply nodded.

She didn’t push. Probably because she understood him so well and knew when to leave things be.

“Well,” she said. “I’ll let you get back to bed. I’m sorry I made you get up.”

“It’s no problem.”

She just watched him for a beat, then stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him, laying her cool cheek against the tattoo.

“Thank you, Noah.”

He slid one arm around her back, then the other. Standing in the dark with her lush body pressed up against him caused his heart to stutter to life, beating erratically inside his rib cage. His eyes slid closed and his throat closed up, a mixture of pleasure and guilt swirling inside him like a tornado. The guilt, an ever-present ache deep in his gut, clawed itself free and rose up to destroy the joy in his heart.

The pain made it difficult to breathe, his chest filling with pressure. He released her and headed back to his room without a word, his earlier assertion disturbingly clear.

He definitely wouldn’t survive this.

Breakfast had always been Mia’s favorite meal of the day. Well, before she discovered chicken wings, anyway.

Noah’s mom had always loved making a big thing out of Sunday brunch, and when they were younger, Mia had usually drifted over to his house those mornings. It became such a regular occurrence that his mom started cooking for five, and Mia still showed up even when he and Nathan were away in the mountains.

He’d missed it since leaving home, though he now realized it might not be remorse or unrequited love that would do him in; he’d definitely die of a heart attack if Mia kept feeding him like this.

“Want another?”

“Don’t ask ridiculous questions, wife.”

She laughed and slid another warm cinnamon roll onto his plate. She refilled her coffee mug and sat across from him.

He let his eyelids drift down as he closed his lips around a forkful. “You’re definitely making these every weekend.”

She snorted.

He opened one eye.

“You’ll get pancakes,” she said.

He opened his other eye and grinned. “I’m okay with that. You can take next weekend off, though. I’m climbing with Graham.”

“Yeah? Where?”

“Eldo.”

“Of course.”

Eldorado Canyon was his favorite place to climb, even though it could get busy with tourists in the summer. His brother had always preferred Flatirons, and in high school they’d hit that area every chance they got for climbing and camping.

Noah hadn’t been back to that particular spot since Nathan died.

He swallowed another bite and leaned back in his chair. “So. Are we gonna tell people we’re married today?”

Her eyes widened a fraction. “Like our parents?”

“Yeah. Graham, too, probably.”

She nodded. “I guess we should. I’ll just call mine.”

“You don’t want to stop by and tell them in person?”

She winced. “Not really.”

He wondered if she might say more, and just regarded her for a few moments. Her strained relationship with her parents was hard on her, and for her sake, he wished they could figure things out. They used to be so close. But no one seemed to know how to overcome what happened, and he wasn’t sure they ever would.

“Do you think they’ll be upset?” he finally asked.

“Only surprised, I think. Besides, they have no room to get upset. They’re no strangers to keeping secrets.” She looked down at her lap, then back up at him. “They’ve always loved you.”

She didn’t know, but after their big fight, Noah had promised her dad he’d look after her, especially during those months when they weren’t on speaking terms. Noah’s allegiance was to Mia first. Always. But every day he’d passed her parents in the waiting room of that hospital, Mia having put them on the unapproved visitor list, and the pain and worry etched on their faces had been more than he could bear.

He’d simply stopped in front of them one day and said, “I’ve got her.”

Her mom had started crying, and her dad had hugged him, while Noah stood stiffly with his arms at his sides. That was two years ago, and as far as he knew Mia had only spoken to them a handful of times since.

“Your mom’s gonna be pissed we didn’t have a real wedding,” Mia was saying. “And that she wasn’t invited to the courthouse.” She glanced behind her. “Think I can take the rest of those cinnamon rolls over as a peace offering?”

He straightened. “No. Those are mine.”

“I made two dozen.”

He locked eyes with her. “I don’t like to share.”

Her gaze held his for a beat, and he had no idea if she caught his double meaning. “Fine. But if she starts crying, that’s on you.”

“Of course she’ll cry. It’s my mom. But it’ll be because she’s so happy. I think she was losing hope for me.”

Mia’s face contorted and she put her elbows on the table, dropping her head in her hands. “Noah.”

“What?”

Her words came out muffled. “I’m going to break your mom’s heart.” She lifted her head and let her arms fall across each other on the wood. “When we eventually break up. It’s going to kill her.”

He sighed. “Yeah. It will.”

Mia looked so forlorn he almost laughed.

“Let me worry about that,” he said. “For now, think about how happy you’re about to make her. Isn’t a little temporary happiness better?”

She frowned. “Not always.”

Yeah, true.

Mia twisted around to look at the clock. “My parents will be up by now. I’m just gonna get this over with.”

She picked up her phone and tapped the screen before she put the phone up to her ear.

“Want to put them on speaker?” he asked. “Do it together?”

She looked at the ceiling as if in thought, then shook her head with a little scrunch of her nose. Suddenly her face cleared. “Hey, Dad. Is Mom around, too? I have some news.” She paused. “No, I’m fine. It’s nothing like that.”

Noah knew exactly how her dad felt in that moment. He constantly worried about her health, too.

“Hey, Mom. I’m fine. I, um, called to tell you both that…well, Noah and I got married yesterday.” She met his eyes and tucked her lips between her teeth as she listened.

What were they saying? He couldn’t hear yelling or screaming from where he sat, so that was good, right?

“I know. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing for us, too. The marriage, I mean. We’ve been, um, dating for a while now.” She widened her eyes and held up her free hand, fingers spread, as if asking if she was doing this right. He shrugged, and she kept going. “But we’ve just been friends for so long we weren’t sure how it was gonna go, and wanted to keep it between us for a while. Turns out I’ve never been happier, and when Noah suggested we get married, I said yes.”

“Oh sure, put it all on me,” he muttered.

She pursed her lips to hide a smile. Then, her face suddenly went pale. She locked eyes with him, and he tilted his head to the side, mouthing, “What?”

She swallowed. “Yes. I do. I love him.” Her voice got quieter with each word. “More than I ever thought possible.”

Noah stood, his chair scraping across the floor, and took his plate to the sink. His hands shook as he rinsed it and put it in the dishwasher. Mia continued talking, doing a damn good job convincing her parents she’d fallen for him and knew he was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

They’d said I love you to each other before, but only in the context of I’ve known you forever and you’re one of my closest friends, not the I’m about to go out of my mind because I’m so crazy in love with you kind of way.

When it came to her, he’d felt both.

But he’d only ever shown her one. It was important it stayed that way.

And for the hundredth time in twenty-four hours, he wondered just what he’d gotten himself into.

On Sunday, they had lunch with his parents and told them the news.

His mom cried for a half hour.

His dad was pretty quiet about it, especially when they also mentioned Mia planned to quit her job at the firm to go back to school. Unease had spread down Noah’s spine, so he pulled his dad aside while his mom fussed over Mia.

“I know the timing is weird, but this is real, Dad. We’ve been talking about it for a while, and it made the most sense to get it done before she got caught up in school again.”

When his dad didn’t immediately reply, Noah quietly added, “I’ve always loved her.”

His dad looked at him silently for a few more seconds, then gave him a nod. “Then I’m happy for you.”

On Monday morning, they rode together to work. When she met him at the front of his car, she stopped and opened her palm.

“Should we…?”

“Yeah.” He took her hand and enjoyed the feel of her fingers curved around his entirely too much. He shouldn’t get used to this. Couldn’t.

When they reached her desk, she looked up at him with a small frown. “Coming to work together will make it difficult for me to mess with your office.”

“Guess you’ll have to get more creative, then.”

She arched an eyebrow, and he knew she’d definitely accept that challenge.

He disappeared into his office for a few hours, completely lost in a new shopping center design when a knock at his door startled him.

“Sorry,” came Julia’s amused voice.

He waved her in. “Don’t be.”

“You always lost all sense of time and place when designing.” She closed the door and walked forward. “Even in school.”

“I haven’t changed much.”

“I don’t know if I’d say that.”

She sat in the same chair as Mia had less than two weeks ago while they discussed the possibility of getting married. She stretched to eye his computer screen. “Whatcha working on?”

He didn’t like people looking at his work before he finished, something he was pretty sure she remembered from the many hours they’d spent working on projects together in architecture school. But he kept his expression neutral. “The extension for Spring Creek Shoppes.”

Thankfully, she didn’t keep her eyes on the screen for long and dropped her gaze to her lap.

He scooted his chair back a few inches. “Did you need something?”

“Is the rumor true?”

“What rumor?”

“You and Mia got married?”

He knew Julia pretty well. Had even gone on a few dates with her when they were in school, though she was more into it than he was, and he wasn’t one for stringing women along. She’d always been easygoing and they remained friends after, and when his dad hired them both after graduation they’d become colleagues. They worked well together and complemented each other’s professional strengths.

It was this degree of familiarity with her that alerted him to the need to tread lightly here. He didn’t quite understand why he felt that way, but the sensation was there all the same.

“Yes.”

“I didn’t know you two had been dating.”

“We didn’t tell many people. Especially here at the office. We thought it was best to keep our personal lives separate.”

“Hmm.” She inspected her bright red nails. “Where’s your ring?”

Shit. He hadn’t even thought about rings. But why did she care? “We haven’t shopped for rings yet. It was kind of a sudden decision and we just went to the courthouse.”

“I see.” Her green eyes met his. “You know David’s office is on the other side of that wall, right?”

What did that have to do with anything? The question seemed rhetorical, so he kept silent, discomfort clamping his jaw together.

“He came to my desk this morning, bursting with gossip I didn’t believe at first,” she said. “But you just confirmed it.”

Noah resisted the urge to do something with his hands, like run them through his hair or grip the armrests. He realized where she might go with this, yet somehow hoped he was wrong. “I’m not sure I like hearing my marriage referred to as rumor, and I definitely don’t like it being called gossip.”

Julia’s expression bordered on sympathetic. “Excuse my word choice, but that’s not the important part. David’s convinced he heard you and Mia talking a couple weeks ago. Said he came in early that day, and you two showed up and clearly thought you were alone. He claims you only got married so she can keep her insurance.”

Was the storm raging inside him visible? “What? That’s not true—”

She held up a hand. “I don’t need to know, Noah. I really don’t. I consider you a friend, and I’ve seen how you look at her. It’s why I gave up on you within weeks of meeting her. I believe you wanted to marry her. But David doesn’t, and we both know he can be kind of an asshole. I wanted to warn you and tell you to be careful. With your dad’s retirement announcement, everyone knows positions will shift. If he thinks he found something to use against you…”

“Thank you. But I—we—have nothing to hide.”

Her mouth flattened into a line, but she nodded and stood. “Congratulations, then.” She walked to the door and tossed one more comment over her shoulder before she left. “Can I give you one word of advice?”

He gave a terse nod.

“David is ruthless when he wants something. Do yourself a favor and don’t underestimate him.”