Would You Rather: A Novel

The one thing Mia hadn’t counted on when Noah left was how much she’d worry about him. It was usually the other way around, and she quickly concluded she didn’t like the feeling.

He’d been gone two days and she’d barely stopped thinking about him. Even from her current spot in the infusion center for her regular visit, she couldn’t turn it off.

She’d been so scatterbrained she hadn’t even brought Natasha a treat.

There were so many things that could go wrong—a faulty rope, a loose piece of ice, bad weather. Were they safe from avalanches, bears, frostbite? Were those even valid concerns, or was she being completely ridiculous?

Why hadn’t she asked for more information?

Right—she’d avoided bringing it up to make sure neither of them talked him out of going. Based on the places her mind was going, she was just as likely to have done so.

This trip felt important. Could it be what he needed to finally come to terms with what happened? Find closure and make peace with his brother’s death? Maybe even absolve himself from the guilt he carried around like a backpack? She wished for that, for him, so badly.

She hoped they were having fun, too. With Graham there, it was almost a guarantee, and Noah deserved a break and time to enjoy himself. But, not too much…surely there weren’t women with them, right?

She frowned. That was a stupid assumption—there were tons of women climbers in Colorado. What if their guide was a woman? A sexy, healthy, ice-climbing Aphrodite?

She hadn’t so much as thought about other men since they got married, much less looked at one with interest. Especially not since they’d admitted their feelings and slept together.

But they’d put a stop to that. She’d put a stop to that, and didn’t know if they’d ever come back together. She had no claim on him (no real claim, anyway).

Still, she couldn’t help the burn of jealousy at the thought of him with another woman. An idea she’d completely just made up, but isn’t that what love did to people? Made them irrational?

She picked up her phone with a sudden urge to send him a message. Other than a single text he’d sent letting her know they arrived in Canada safely, they hadn’t spoken since he left. She’d figured they both needed this time apart, but now she was second-guessing herself.

Mia: At my infusion appointment, and you know what that means: chicken wings. Thinking about you. Hope you’re staying safe and having a great time.

Her thumb hovered over Send. Was the thinking about you too much? It was true, but saying things like that to each other only made this whole situation more difficult, didn’t it? This trip was a step in the right direction, but it didn’t mean they could go back to the way things were.

She decided to go with it, pressed Send, and settled into the leather chair, a relieved smile spreading across her face when she spotted Barbara walking toward her.

She adored Barbara, and she’d take any distraction she could get.

They exchanged pleasantries and Barbara asked how school was going, then told Mia about a new carrot cake recipe she’d tried over the weekend. Mia thought she was doing a good job hiding the fact that her mind kept going back to Noah every few seconds until during a break in conversation, Barbara called her out.

“You seem distracted today.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. Um, I’m not. I’m fine.”

Barbara offered a bemused smile. “Honey, you’re a terrible liar.”

It was so true. She gripped her hands in her lap. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“It’s personal.”

Barbara cocked a brow. “That’s okay. I think.”

“A while back, you told me your husband died of cancer several years ago.” She hadn’t seemed to mind talking about it, or else Mia wouldn’t have mentioned it.

“Yes. Gastric cancer. He battled it for two years before he finally let go.”

Sadness weighed on Mia’s shoulders, and she swallowed, asking the question slowly, carefully. “What’s it like, to take care of someone you love when they’re sick like that?”

Barbara looked at her thoughtfully for a few seconds. “I’m not going to lie. It’s hard. But I’m not sure I even had the full experience.”

“What do you mean?”

“When I say George battled cancer for two years, that’s what I mean. He battled it. Not we. Almost immediately after his diagnosis, he started to withdraw from me. It was subtle at first, and I didn’t realize what he was doing. He started shutting himself in the den more and more, and I thought he was tired and depressed about the diagnosis. Which was probably true, but it wasn’t just that. He’d always been one of those ‘do it yourself’ men, but we shared our lives with each other. We used to read at opposite ends of the couch on Saturday evenings, but he started taking his books to the other room. I used to iron his dress shirts on Sundays, and he said he wanted to start doing it himself. Finally, I realized he was distancing himself.”

Oh, George. I know exactly how you felt. “He didn’t want to be a burden,” Mia offered.

“Maybe. He never would talk about it.” Barbara adjusted the tubing around her arm. “When I think about those last few months—the last year, even—it breaks my heart. Not even because he was sick. I hated that too, but it was more that he shut me out. We’d been married twenty-seven years. Been through a lot together, and had a beautiful story. I thought so, at least. I wanted to be with him when he was sick and be the one taking care of him. It was like I lost him before I really lost him, you know? Our time together was cut short well before he actually passed away. That’s what hurts the most, and that’s the part I’ve had the hardest time forgiving him for. For leaving me in such a painful way.”

Mia forced a swallow down her dry throat. “I’m so sorry, Barbara. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“It’s alright. I don’t mind talking about it.” Her shrewd green eyes connected with Mia’s. “Why do you ask? What are you worried about, honey? Is this about your parents?”

Mia shook her head. “I’m…having a hard time with Noah. Like George did. You know how I felt about what my illness did to my parents, and I never planned to get married. Never planned to bleed into someone else’s life like that.”

“And then you did.”

“And then I did,” Mia agreed. “Noah and I have been friends since we were kids. I’ve loved him basically my entire life.”

“So, he knew what he was getting into.”

“Does anyone really know, though? There are so many unknowns. I married him, yes—because I couldn’t seem to stop myself. But now that we’re here, I can’t stop worrying about what it’s doing to him. What he’s missing out on, and what he might miss out on in the future. Last week we found out my kidneys are getting worse. I’ve known for a while because I’ve been in more pain, but have tried my best to hide it from him. But he knows, and his anxiety is palpable. Is his life, his experience on this earth, going to be stressful and limited because he’s with me? It feels so damn selfish to let that happen.”

“If I may, speaking from experience, it’s selfish to push him away, too.”

Mia balked at that, and Barbara hurried to continue.

“It hurts when someone you love pushes you away. It feels like a punishment. If he’s anything like me, and he loves you half as much as I loved George—and I expect he does—he wants to be there with you. Take care of you. He wants to, Mia. And by refusing him, you’re stealing his blessing. You’re stealing something that’s his to give before he can even offer it.”

“I—I don’t think I’m doing that,” Mia said weakly. She’d never thought about it like that. A memory from a few months ago surfaced, when he’d asked if she’d rather be a ninja or a pirate. She’d reasoned she didn’t want to be a pirate because she didn’t want to be a thief.

“There’s something else I think you should consider. I tried to put myself in George’s shoes so I could be more understanding about what he was going through, and I wish he’d done the same for me. So think about if the situation were reversed: What would you do if Noah got sick and wouldn’t let you help? How would you feel if he was in the hospital and wouldn’t let you in his room?”

Mia stared at a speck on the floor in front of her chair, discomfort washing over her in punishing waves, each one more forceful than the last. She glanced up at the bag of fluid hanging from the pole beside her.

Suddenly all she wanted to do was disconnect and get out of there.

“That question bothers you,” Barbara said.

Mia nodded.

“Why?”

She felt tears gathering, but refused to let one fall. “If that’s what he wanted, I would respect that.”

Lies.

She’d scale the wall and climb through the damn window if she had to.

Mia clenched her jaw and stared straight ahead for several long moments before finally meeting Barbara’s shrewd gaze.

She sighed heavily, admitting defeat. “Damn you, Barb.”

Mia stretched her arms over her head, trying to focus on the open book in her lap. She had an exam tomorrow in Medical Nutrition Therapy, the most difficult course of the semester. She’d worked her ass off to hold an A so far and couldn’t let her wandering thoughts ruin that.

She wanted to do well and be at the top of the program. She owed it to the scholarship donors and Noah, to prove she took it seriously and wouldn’t waste the opportunity they’d so selflessly given her.

Had it really only been seven months since she received that acceptance email? Since she and Noah first broached the subject of marriage?

Her heart lurched at the memory of the first time he suggested they get married.

Focus. Stop thinking about him.

Easier said than done, and the conversation with Barbara a couple of days ago hadn’t helped, either. She oscillated between thinking about Noah, that conversation, and back to Noah again.

She closed the book, giving up for the night and tossing it on the table. The coasters she’d given him as a gift sat neatly stacked near the edge, a few inches from the two food-inspired coffee-table books he’d bought the last time he tagged along to her bookstore café date with Anita and Bridget. Fading daylight streamed through the sheer curtains she’d hung when she first moved in, casting soft shadows across the couch and the plush CU blanket draped across her lap. She pressed her face to the black fleece and inhaled deeply, Noah’s familiar scent flooding her senses.

It suddenly hit her she hadn’t gone this long without seeing him in…actually, she couldn’t remember a time she’d gone this long without seeing him. At least not since she was diagnosed. Even before they got married, he never went out of town for more than a long three-day weekend, and she always saw him at work before or after.

The shrill ringtone assigned to her doctor’s office pierced the silence, startling her. She frowned, checking the time—seven fifteen—and wondered why on earth Dr. Cowley would be calling her right now. She swiped across the screen to answer.

“Hello?”

“Mia? It’s Dr. Cowley. I have great news.”

She was afraid to ask and pressed a hand to her mouth.

“We found you a kidney.”

Claire showed up fifteen minutes later. Eventually she had to push Mia into a kitchen chair and declare she’d do the packing. Mia’s hands were shaking and her thoughts were all over the place as she tried to process everything Dr. Cowley had said.

Deceased donor.

A possible match.

She needed to go to the hospital within the hour for workup and transplant prep if everything lined up.

Was this really happening? Finally? After years of waiting and wondering?

“I think I got enough clothes,” Claire said, tossing a gym bag on the floor. “Toiletries are next. Anything I forget I can just come back for. I’ll call the school tomorrow and make sure your professors know. Did you call your parents?”

“Yeah, right after I called you.”

“Noah?”

Mia closed her mouth.

Claire paused on her trajectory to the hallway and turned. “Mia? Did you call Noah?”

She shook her head, dropping her gaze.

Out of the corner of her eye, Mia saw Claire’s hands go to her hips.

“You have to tell him.”

Mia closed her eyes. “You of all people should understand why I don’t want to call him right now. It’s nine years ago all over again.”

Claire came closer and put her hand on Mia’s shoulder. “This is different. You’re not in the ICU with some unknown illness. This is what you’ve been waiting for.”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s still a big deal. Something could go wrong. They’re supposed to be there three more days but he’ll freak out and try to come back.”

“How he reacts is up to him. That’s not in your control, as much as I know you wish it was.” Her face was more serious than Mia had ever seen it. “You have to tell him.”

In that exact moment, almost as if a higher power was at work, Noah texted her.

Noah: Hey. I’m glad you texted. I’ve been thinking about you, too.

She almost broke down right there, wishing he was here to stand beside her and hold her hand. Her heart and her brain were on two completely different wavelengths, trying to discern what she wanted versus what was best for him. For them.

Claire was right, though. She had to tell him, and time was running out. She smoothed her hair behind her ears, and hit the FaceTime button.

Within seconds Noah’s ruggedly handsome, familiar face was on the screen, a sweetly surprised, if uncertain, smile shaping his lips. “Hi.”

“Hey,” she said, tears coming out of nowhere and flowing down her cheeks. The stress of everything that had happened in the last half hour, combined with seeing him, suddenly overwhelmed her.

His expression fell. “Hey. What’s wrong?”

She shook her head, swiping the wetness away with her hand. “I’m sorry. It’s just…good to see you.”

His brow stayed furrowed and the image on her screen got larger, as if he held the phone a little closer. “It’s good to see you, too.”

Getting a hold of herself, she took in his unkempt red hair, bright blue eyes, and rosy cheeks. “How cold is it there?”

“Fucking freezing,” he said with a slight laugh. “But we were prepared.”

“Are you glad you went?”

He tilted his head to the side. “Yeah. I am.”

“Good.” She swallowed, catching another warm tear that escaped.

“Are you okay?” he asked gently. She could see the worry in his eyes.

“Um…” She switched hands and gripped the phone tighter. “They, um, might have found a kidney for me.”

His expression didn’t change for a few seconds, like it took him some time to process what she’d said. Then a beautiful smile lit up his face. “What? Mia, that’s incredible. What’s the plan? When will they schedule the procedure?”

“Well, that’s the thing. I know we’d expected a live donor, and there’d be more time to prepare, but it’s a cadaver. I’m about to leave for the hospital.”

Noah’s face paled. “Right now?”

She nodded.

The screen jostled and Noah was on his feet, moving around the tent. His head was out of the shot for a few seconds and she heard a muffled, “Graham!” He sounded panicked.

“Noah,” she urged. “Stop. You don’t have to leave.”

He paused his movements, his eyes back on hers. “The hell I won’t.”

A fresh wave of tears came and her hand started to tremble. “You can’t. It’s too much like the last time.”

“Mia, listen to me. I can and I am.” His voice was fierce and determined. “I’ll always come back for you. Always.”

A sob broke from her chest, and she dropped her forehead into her palm.

Rustling noises continued through the speaker, as if he was packing. She heard a few low murmurs and recognized Graham’s voice.

“Hey.”

She looked back at the screen to find Noah focused on his phone. On her.

“Please,” he begged. “Don’t ask me not to come back. I can’t stay here knowing you’re about to go into surgery. Tell me you understand, and you want me there with you.”

She sniffed, taking measured breaths through the thickness in her throat. “Did you at least get what you needed from the trip?”

A sad but contented smile settled on his face. “I’ll tell you when I get there.”

She hated hospital gowns. Every time she’d been admitted over the years, the first thing Mia asked of Claire was to bring her a change of clothes.

It wasn’t an option, now, what with her about to go into surgery. She had no idea what time it was, only that it was in the early hours of the morning. She’d seen the tiniest hint of the sunrise from the window of the pre-op area, and exhaustion from not having slept all night caught up with her.

Guess it was a good thing she was about to go to sleep for a while.

She gave blood immediately upon arrival, and shortly after, they’d confirmed the match. She didn’t allow herself to focus on the fact that someone else had died to give her this opportunity. She figured she’d have weeks of recovery for reflection, and couldn’t let her mind go anywhere other than hoping nothing went wrong during the surgery.

The surgeon said the procedure would only take about three hours as long as there were no complications. She signed a ton of paperwork and was formally admitted to the solid organ transplant service.

Her parents had met them at the hospital and set up shop with Claire in the waiting room. She hadn’t even tried to tell them they didn’t need to stay.

Progress, she supposed.

Claire had spoken to Noah once more while Mia was being prepped, and confirmed he was on his way. Claire had handed Mia the phone, and he’d quickly told her he’d be there as soon as he could before he had to hang up to go through airport security. She’d never admit it, but she was relieved at the news. Now that she knew this was happening—that she was about to be cut open and have a foreign organ placed inside her body, the fear was real. He wouldn’t make it back before she woke up, but she still took comfort in knowing he’d be there soon to hold her hand and be the calming presence she’d come to depend on.

A hand pulled the curtain aside and the surgeon’s face popped through. “Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

A nurse slid in beside him and wheeled Mia into a white-walled room filled with monitors and shiny metal equipment. A man who introduced himself as the anesthesiologist placed a nasal cannula around her head and slid the device into her nostrils.

The last thing she remembered was his smile.

“See you in a bit.”