Would You Rather: A Novel

He shouldn’t have worn this shirt.

It was Thursday, and Noah knew he’d have client meetings. Hell, he even knew one was with a woman. Not that he shared Mia’s assessment—he wasn’t so arrogant to think the color made him irresistible.

But he did seem to get more attention when he wore blue, as evidenced by the look Julia had given him in the hallway that afternoon, and the awkward rejection he’d just delivered to Darcy.

His phone vibrated as he left the office a little after five, and he fished it out of his pocket.

“Hey,” he greeted.

Graham, his friend since college, got straight to the point. “You up for a kick-ass climbing trip next month?”

Noah reined in the flurry of adrenaline and told himself not to get too excited. “Where?”

“Why is that always your first question?” Graham asked. “You know I only plan trips to the best places. I do my research.”

“I know.” But it was the thing that mattered most. Noah unlocked his car and sat down. “So, where?”

“Washingt—”

“No.” He started his car, and the audio automatically switched to his speakers.

“Come on, man!” Graham’s voice was three times louder, and Noah quickly dialed down the volume. “It’s Index. A hidden gem of climbing glory, and May’s the perfect time to go. I’ve got two other guys who are in.”

The desire to say yes—to climb the magic land of granite that was Index, Washington—pulled hard on his willpower. He was careful to keep his voice steady and firm. “That sounds incredible. You can tell me all about it when you get back.”

A heavy sigh echoed through the car.

Noah said nothing.

Finally, Graham said, “Can I say one thing?”

“Whatever it is, it won’t change my mind.”

“Nathan always wanted to climb Index.”

Noah paused before pulling out of the parking lot and rubbed a hand across his forehead. “I know,” he said quietly. “It’s still a no.”

“So you’re just gonna climb in Colorado for the rest of your life? That’s it?”

Noah shook his head, even though Graham couldn’t see him. “Not for the rest of my life.” He paused. “At least I don’t think so. But for now? Yes, that’s how it is.”

Graham grunted. “Fine. We still on for tomorrow night?”

That was one thing Noah appreciated about his friend. He was easygoing, didn’t hold grudges, and could move on to another subject in a heartbeat. Noah and Graham in particular knew how to dance around difficult conversations, and smoothly maneuver topics that could cause pain and regret.

Graham was the only other person who’d been there the night Nathan died, yet they never spoke of it. The fact that he said Noah’s brother’s name at all during this call was a step further than usual.

“Yep.”

“Great. Let me know if you change your mind, okay?”

“I will,” Noah said.

But he knew he wouldn’t.

“So, was I right about the blue shirt?”

Noah scowled at the coffee table centered in his living room—currently covered in chicken wings and carrot sticks—and didn’t respond.

Mia grinned and nudged his shoulder with hers. They sat beside each other on his couch, eating wings and watching The Bachelorette. He thought the show was beyond ridiculous, but Mia loved it. “I knew it.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he muttered, reaching for another wing. If he didn’t covet the look in Mia’s eyes when he wore blue, he’d throw out the damn shirt tomorrow.

Apparently, he was a glutton for punishment.

Mia wiped her mouth with a napkin. “What did she say? Did you get all awkward and quiet?”

“I don’t get awkward and quiet.”

Mia laughed. “You’re joking, right?”

Noah leaned back a little and turned his torso toward her. “No.”

“There’s a picture of your face in the dictionary next to the word reticent.”

His brow furrowed, but he remained silent.

Her lips quirked in a satisfied grin, probably because he was proving her point this very minute. He didn’t care. He and Mia had been having silences since they were seven years old. Not having to force himself to make conversation was one reason he loved spending time with her.

One of many.

Finally, he wiped his hands and sat back. “She asked if I was single.”

“Straight out? Ballsy for a client.”

“No, she tried to be smooth about it. Said something like ‘I heard architects work long hours, I bet your wife doesn’t like that.’”

Mia laughed, and the sound washed over him. His chest expanded several inches every time she laughed.

“What did you say?” she asked.

Noah rubbed the back of his neck. “You know what a terrible liar I am.”

“You said you didn’t have a wife.”

He nodded.

“Then what?”

“It was almost five by the time we finished up. She asked if I wanted to get a drink.”

Mia smacked his arm. “You should have gone!”

He stared at her. “I had plans.”

“What, with these chicken wings? Plans with me don’t count.”

His frown deepened. “Yes they do.”

“No they don’t. And stop frowning like that. You’re gonna have the worst wrinkles when you’re old.” She took a sip of her beer and faced the television. “Surely you know you can always cancel with me if you have the chance to go on a date.”

He didn’t dignify that with a response.

Like a dog with a bone, she wouldn’t let it go. “You should say yes next time.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I’m not going out with some stranger. And I’m not dating a client.”

“Why not?” she said again. “People do it all the time. The stranger thing, I mean. Aren’t we all strangers these days?” She pointedly glanced at her cell phone. “It sort of feels that way, sometimes.”

He couldn’t help but let his gaze rest on her familiar face. “We’re not strangers.”

“No, but you’re not gonna date me.”

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Noah’s stomach tightened. He thought about that night back in college—and the split second when he thought they might become more than friends.

Her face paled, and he’d bet she was thinking about the same thing. “Anyway, all I’m saying is you can’t keep turning women down. You’re hot and you’re sweet, and women adore you. But eventually they’ll stop asking. I’ve never understood what you’re waiting for.”

Over the years he’d turned deflection into an art form. He didn’t want to answer that, but neither would she. “What are you waiting for?”

She frowned. “That’s different. I’m not being picky, I just refuse to burden someone with my situation.”

“A one-hour drug infusion every week isn’t ‘a situation.’”

“You know that’s not all it is.”

Yeah, he knew her excuses. Her disease couldn’t be cured, and a few years ago she’d been put on the kidney transplant list. He wasn’t trying to downplay it, but it was ridiculous to think those things would stop a man from wanting her.

“If they ever find a match for me, I’ll have to go through the transplant process, and even then, at my age, I’ll probably need another one eventually. This will affect my entire life, and it’s not fair to put that on another person. I don’t even let my parents help me. There’s no way I’m asking a man to.”

“What if someone thought you were worth it?”

She huffed out a breath. “Stop trying to turn this around. We were talking about you, and why you don’t date.”

Noah fixed his eyes on the television. “I’m seeing how some things pan out.”

“Like what?”

Damn, he was such an idiot. “Just some things.”

He could practically hear her teeth grinding. “You drive me crazy,” she said. “For the person I know best in the world, sometimes I feel like there’s a whole part of you I’ve never seen.”

Her dark brown eyes locked on his, and he kept his expression carefully neutral. “Same.”

She watched him for a moment and then dropped her gaze. When she spoke again, her voice was so quiet he barely heard her. “Would you rather be able to fly, or read minds?”

How many times had they started sentences to each other with those three words? Dozens, at least.

“Fly.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. People talk too much as it is. I’m not sure I want to know the things people don’t want to say out loud.”

“I talk a lot,” she said.

He grinned. “I know.”

She laughed. “Jerk.”

“What about you? Read minds or fly?”

“Read minds.” Her eyes met his again. “Especially yours.”

He was glad as hell that wasn’t possible. If she knew what he was thinking every time they were together, she’d probably run for the hills.

He shook his head as if she were crazy. “You don’t want to know what’s going on in here.” He tapped his temple with his index finger. “It’s a lot of design details. Planning my next climbing trip. Some guilt and a lot of what-ifs.”

He wasn’t sure why he said that last part. It just sort of came out, and her expression turned downcast, and a little sad. She glanced at the console table behind them, to the frame he knew contained an image of him and his late brother. In the photo they were eight and ten, sitting on the edge of the tree house in the backyard of their childhood home. Even though Nathan had been two years older, Noah had always been big for his age, and they could have passed for twins, if it weren’t for the hair. When meeting new people it was always Noah’s ginger coloring that grabbed people’s eye first, but it had been Nathan’s outgoing personality that captured their attention.

Noah had liked it that way.

As if she sensed he didn’t want to pursue that topic, Mia surveyed the table and pointed at the two pieces left on his plate. “You gonna finish that?”

“Nah, I’m done.”

“I’ll take the rest to Claire.” She slid the wings into the container where she had three pieces remaining.

Claire, the third member of their childhood trio from the street where they’d all grown up, was the polar opposite of Mia. She’d joined the crew last—moving into a house across the street from Mia’s and Noah’s—and had brought a new level of excitement to the group. Where Mia and Noah had been pretty straitlaced, Claire added a layer of mischief that hadn’t faded as they’d gotten older.

“What’s she up to tonight?”

“Working. She won’t be home until late, but she likes a snack when she comes in.”

“What about the new girl?”

“Reagan? She’s a vegetarian. I met her at that vegan grocery store in Capitol Hill, remember?”

“That’s right. I was shocked as hell when Claire told me.”

Mia tilted her head curiously. “That I picked up a new roommate in the kombucha aisle?”

He grinned. “No, I stopped being surprised at your ability to make friends with anyone who breathes a long time ago. I mean that you, the girl who loves meat and cheese more than anyone I know, were shopping at a vegan store.”

She shrugged. “I wanted to try making vegan cupcakes. It’s harder than it sounds.”

“Doubtful, since it sounds impossible.” Mia was constantly experimenting in the kitchen, something Noah often benefited from. Ever since putting her nutrition degree on hold, she said baking was her outlet to keep that passion present in some facet of her life. “How’d they turn out?”

“Terrible.” She grinned and stood, clearing the empty food containers from the table. She took everything to the kitchen, then came back to the living room and resumed her seat. She let out a heavy sigh. “So, I have something I want to talk to you about. I need advice.”

“Okay.”

She rubbed her hands along her thighs and didn’t meet his eyes, almost as if she were embarrassed by what she was about to say.

“Don’t laugh, but I sort of applied for a college scholarship.”

He blinked. “Why would I laugh at that?”

She scrunched her nose. “I don’t know. It’s like, a second chance scholarship. For adults who either didn’t go to college right away, or who started and didn’t finish their degree for one reason or another. Basically, it’s for duds and dropouts like me,” she said with a self-deprecating smile.

He didn’t find it humorous. “You’re not a dud or a dropout. You got sick and needed to focus on your health.”

She gave him a soft smile. “I know. But still.”

“Let me guess. You got it?”

She nodded and looked so forlorn he almost did laugh.

“Mia, that’s incredible,” he said. “Why do you look like someone just told you Wings To Go was closing its doors forever?”

“Because I can’t accept it. I don’t even know why I applied. Never in a million years would I have thought they’d pick me.” She tucked a long strand of silky black hair behind her ear. “No one ever picks me.”

I’d pick you.

He ignored the thought, along with the painful squeeze beneath his rib cage. “Clearly they saw something in you. Why can’t you accept it?”

“It’s for full-time students. It’s a two-year scholarship, and I have sixty hours needed to get my degree. I’d have to take fifteen hours each semester to finish under their financial assistance, plus my dietetic internship. There’s no way I could do that while working full-time.”

“So, work part-time.” Surely his dad would be okay with that, and they could hire another administrative assistant to fill in the gaps.

She shook her head and looked at him, her eyes sad. “I can’t. I need the health insurance.”

“Oh.” He looked away. He should have thought of that.

“When I applied, this small part of me thought maybe I’d have been up for a kidney by now. With a transplant, I’d automatically qualify for Medicare.” She rubbed a hand up her forearm and shrugged. “But obviously that hasn’t happened.”

“It still could,” Noah offered. “You could get the call next week.”

She pursed her full lips. “Or next year. At which point this opportunity would have passed me by.”

“What if you found a part-time job that offered benefits?”

“I thought about that, but I don’t think many places do that,” she said. “And even if they did, I haven’t been in school for more than a decade. I’m a little worried about my ability to maintain the GPA needed for the scholarship if I had to work even that much with a full course load.”

“You’re smart and hardworking. You absolutely could.”

She shook her head. “Plus, my class hours would change every semester. And it’s risky with my disease. If I had a flare while trying to work part-time and study… I just don’t see it working.”

He leaned forward. “What if you didn’t have insurance at all? Don’t those drug companies have assistance programs for that?” The medication for her kidney condition was unbelievably expensive. “Maybe you could get the drug for free.”

“Sure, Kinrovi would probably be free,” she said. “But I’d still have doctor visits, lab tests, and other bills. I know it hasn’t happened in a while, but when my blood pressure goes out of whack or the cysts mess with my electrolytes and I land in the hospital, it’s expensive. I need the insurance for everything.”

He deflated. “Oh.” He ran a hand through his hair, feeling that stubborn piece in the back stick up again. He sort of loved it though, because it drove Mia nuts, and her fingers smoothing it back down was the best part of his day.

“It’s probably for the best,” she said. “I have a good job, and I’m happy. I like the client interaction, and I love working with you.”

He loved that, too. “But it’s not your passion.”

“It’s good enough.”

“Is that really what you want? Good enough?”

“Don’t most people feel that way about work? How many people truly do what they’re passionate about as a career?”

“I do.”

“You’re lucky.”

“It wasn’t just luck. I worked toward that dream. You could, too.”

“I get to do it as a side hustle. I’m always cooking new things with a healthy twist, proving good nutrition can still taste good.”

“Except vegan cupcakes.”

One corner of her mouth quirked. “I’ll try again.”

“Didn’t you want to work in pediatrics? You need to find someone with kids so they can be your taste testers.”

Mia waved a dismissive hand. “Surely you’ll be married with kids in the next few years. Claire, too. I’ll be the cool aunt who’s always bringing treats by for my godchildren to try.”

Noah completely ignored her suggestion he’d be married with kids anytime soon and studied her, trying to decide why she was making excuses. Was it because she didn’t really want to do it, or because she was scared? An idea was slowly forming in his mind, but there was no way in hell he’d put it out there if he thought going back to school wasn’t something she really wanted.

“Let me ask you this,” he said. “If there was a way for you to keep your current insurance without working, would you take the scholarship and go back to school?”

She laughed humorlessly. “That’s impossible. I know your dad loves me, but not that much.”

“Humor me. Don’t worry about the logistics and answer the question.”

She sat there for a moment, a mere foot away, but he knew her mind was miles from his living room. Slowly, her head moved up and down. “Yes.”

At that single syllable, the tiny idea bloomed into possibility. It grew even more at her next words.

“If there was a way for me to stop working, keep my insurance, and go back to school, I’d do it in a heartbeat.” Her slumped posture indicated she found the entire premise hopeless.

“Maybe there is,” he said.

She looked at him, confusion marring her forehead.

His heart pounded, and it suddenly felt as if his lungs couldn’t get enough air. A strange sense of excitement filled him, even as his brain rained down rational thoughts to reverse his decision.

Don’t.

It’s a terrible idea.

It’s fraud.

He ignored them all. “What if we got married?”