Would You Rather: A Novel

It no longer bothered Noah that he had a queen-size bed.

If Mia continued to be in it, maybe he’d even downsize. With the way they met in the middle and stayed wrapped up in each other all night, miles of mattress extended in both directions.

Light streamed through the windows, casting a soft glow on her skin. Propped on one elbow, he dragged a gentle finger down her temple, marveling at the softness of her hair. The crevices buried deep in his heart ached, and he couldn’t tell whether the sensation stemmed from pleasure or pain.

The ramifications of what they’d done—the line they’d crossed—would come. But he’d become an expert at hiding emotions, and for now he’d pretend they could move forward and find a way to live happily ever after. Let himself live in the fairy tale for as long as he could, whether it lasted hours or weeks, and avoid reality as long as possible.

Reality never had served him well.

He continued stroking down her arm and to her hip. His ministrations would no doubt wake her soon, but he couldn’t help himself. Being able to touch her like this, look at her like this…he’d dreamt about it his entire adult life. A fullness lodged in his throat and a smile pulled at the corners of his lips when her eyes fluttered open.

She slowly rolled onto her back, still mostly covered by the sheet, and his hand came to rest on her stomach. Her warm brown eyes met his, and her cheeks immediately flushed pink, her hands flying to her face.

“Hey,” he said with a laugh. When was the last time he felt this happy? “Where’d you go?”

She split her fingers to peek at him. “I can’t believe you and I…we…”

“Twice.”

She squeaked.

“Left you speechless, huh?” He huffed on his fingers and rubbed them across his chest. “That’s excellent.”

The sound of her laugh filled the room and his soul. He rolled on top of her and pulled her hands away, stretching them above her head.

“Regrets?” he asked.

Her expression turned solemn and she shook her head. “You?”

“Never.”

She lifted her head to meet his lips, and he followed her back down, his stomach dropping when she curved her legs around his. “Let’s stay here all day,” he said into her mouth.

“Mmm.” She nipped at his bottom lip. “Don’t you need to get ready for work?”

She twisted around to look at the clock on his bedside table, causing the sheet to slip lower. His body immediately tightened, and he released one of her hands to grasp her chin and bring her face back to his. “Nope.”

Their eyes locked and her voice sounded breathless when she asked, “No?”

“I already called in sick.”

He dropped his head to her neck, trailing kisses down to the curve of her shoulder.

“But,” she sighed. “It’s Wednesday…the weekly meeting…”

“Don’t care.” He was trying to encourage them to choose someone else for the promotion, anyway. “I have plans.”

Her free hand wrapped around his neck and she scraped her nails along his scalp, sending a tremor through him. “You do?”

“Mmm-hmm.” He traced his tongue along the shell of her ear. “Very pressing matters to attend to.”

“Ohhhhkay,” she murmured.

“What time do you have class?” he whispered.

“Class?” She sounded disoriented. “Um, one?”

Four hours before they needed to get out of bed. Not quite enough time for everything he had in mind, but he’d make it work.

“Good.”

Two hours later, Noah lay on his back with his head propped on two pillows. Mia had draped herself across his chest, tracing one finger along his wing tattoo.

She kept her eyes on the design and asked, “Will you tell me about this now?”

He shifted his eyes from her face to the black ink, taking a few moments to study the intricate design. He’d considered the piece for a long time and had gone to a different tattoo artist—one who specialized in wings and feathers—than for his others.

He couldn’t be happier with the artistry. The meaning behind it, however, wasn’t so easy to explain.

“Wings usually represent being released or freed from something. From something that binds or holds you down. Sort of a liberation, I guess.”

“Wings? Plural? You made it seem intentional that you only have one.”

“I haven’t quite gotten past my demons.” He wanted to turn away from her so she couldn’t see the sorrow and remorse on his face. They didn’t belong in the perfect morning they’d shared. “I’ve tried to get away, but I never seem to get very far.”

The sadness in her eyes was almost too much to bear. He ran his fingers through her hair, letting the silky strands fall to her back before starting again.

“Is it about Nathan?”

He nodded.

“I miss him too, you know,” she said. “You were always my person, but being with you two together was something else. You complemented each other so well.”

“He was larger than life.”

“So are you.”

“Not in the same way.”

“No, that’s true. You were similar, but at the same time so different.”

He kept his eyes on his fingers disappearing into her hair, and delving back in after becoming visible again.

“I know there are things you’ve never told me about that night,” she said.

He stilled. Oxygen stopped moving through his lungs.

“I wish you would.”

He swallowed. “Why?”

“Because I want to know everything about you. I want inside your head. I want you to let me in. More than ever, now that I know how you feel about me, I want to know if it was something about that night that changed your mind about us.”

Noah closed his eyes, feeling the warm weight of her body across his chest. Her breath brushing across his skin and the rhythmic beat of her heart. He focused on inhaling, exhaling, and repeating the action, considering his options.

Eventually, he resumed running his fingers through her hair.

“I’m the reason Nathan died.”

She lifted her head. “What?” She shook her head. “How can you think that? A deer ran in front of the car. That’s no one’s fault.”

“I know the deer wasn’t my fault.” His tone was harsher than he intended. “But I was the reason we were on the road that night. We were safe on the side of a mountain when Claire texted me that you were in the hospital. I’m not sure how much you were aware of then, because I didn’t get to see you until several days after. But everyone was freaking out. That first night we thought it was cancer, or worse—whatever could even be worse than that—and when she said you were in the ICU, I sort of went crazy. I don’t remember much, but I had to get to you and that was the only thing on my mind. We took my car up there, and if I hadn’t been drinking, I’d have come down the mountain by myself. Sent my dad up there to get the guys the next morning, or something. But I couldn’t drive, and Nathan had stopped drinking hours earlier. So he had to.”

Slowly she sat up, and covered her mouth with her fingers. “So…” Her eyes filled with tears. “By proxy, I’m actually the one responsible.”

Noah shot up to a sitting position. “What? No.”

She wouldn’t look him in the eye. “You wanted to come down the mountain in the middle of the night because of me.”

“It’s not your fault you got sick,” he insisted. “I’m the one who made a choice. I’m the reason we were on that fucking road at three in the morning, and I’m the reason he was in the driver’s seat. It should have been me, not him.”

She shook her head and slid her palm to her collarbone. “Have you unconsciously blamed me all this time? Is that why, a few weeks later, you said we should just be friends?”

“No.” He took her hand. “No. I never blamed you, not even for a second. I’ve always wanted to be with you, Mia. Those were the darkest days of my life and still, I never stopped wanting you. Which only made me hate myself more. Especially after seeing Rachel at the funeral.”

She swiped at her eyes with her free hand. “Rachel? Nathan’s fiancée?”

“We were camping that weekend for Nathan’s bachelor party, remember? I approached her at the funeral. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was, and that I’d never forgive myself for what happened. The second she saw me she started crying and wouldn’t talk to me. She left, and I’ve only seen her once since then. It was a few years later and I passed her on the Sixteenth Street Mall. I know she saw me. Again, I tried to talk to her, but she ducked into a store and I lost her.

“I don’t blame her, really. I took the one person she loved in the entire world, and she hates me for it. My decision ruined her life. I guess I figured…who was I to find happiness when she was out there, heartbroken and alone?”

Mia pulled her hand back. “You were punishing yourself?”

“Not exactly,” he began. He ran a hand across his jaw. “It’s hard to explain. Yes, I feel immense guilt. I probably always will. I’m not sure I deserve happiness and love. But is that the only reason I hid my true feelings for you? No.”

“Why then?”

“At first, I thought we just needed time. I was scared if we jumped into something new, like a relationship, right after everything that happened, we’d be destined to fail. I needed you too much to risk losing you. And you needed me.”

Mia crossed her arms over her stomach. “I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

“That’s why I initially suggested we stay friends, but I honestly thought it would be temporary. You agreed so quickly, and have stood by it ever since. You’ve always kept dating casual and you’re so vocal about how you never want to get married. If I’d known it could have been like this, I would have done something a long time ago, self-hatred be damned. But you never gave me even a hint you wanted me. What was I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know,” she whispered.

“Not all of my decisions have been the right ones. But I know two that have: marrying you, and what happened last night.”

A tear fell from her cheek, and he swiped the wet trail with his thumb.

“All the others are in the past,” he said. “And I guess I’m just hoping we can stay here, together, even if it’s just for a little while.”

Say it’s not temporary. Tell me you’re ready to make this work for good.

She released a heavy sigh. “It’s so complicated, Noah.”

Not what he had in mind. But he’d waited nine years, and it wouldn’t do any good to rush her now.

“Yeah. It is. But isn’t every relationship?”

She leaned into his hand. “Not like ours.”

“Even so, I don’t want to be with anyone else.”

Her eyes searched his, and he forced himself to remain still and silent while she thought. Would she ever accept that he wanted her, sick, healthy, and everything in between?

Finally, she leaned forward and pressed her soft lips to his. “Neither do I.”