What Memory Remains

“I was stalking this man through an alley. He could sense that something was wrong, but he didn’t know for sure. The smell of his fear…it was intoxicating. It was almost an entire mile before I revealed myself to him…and you should have seen the look on his face! It was one for the books! He asked why I was following him. I told him that I was going to kill him. Naturally, he was perplexed by such a blunt statement, and then he was horrified when I unsheathed my katana. He ran, and I followed suit…and that’s when I realized the best part of killing someone. The chase!

The hunt in itself is the most rewarding part of it all. The anxiety, the anticipation, the fear of impending doom…it was like a drug. Round and round we went, turn after turn, alley after alley, street after street. Until finally, I tired of the game as he was turning a corner, and so I rushed forward and plunged my blade through him, impaling him completely.

It was the moment that I was pulling out my sword that I realized...there was not one, but two bodies on my blade. Everything went silent...time stood still. I pulled out my blade…and saw….”

Zenapharr’s lips moved with no sound, struggling to get the words.

“It’s okay, Zenapharr. Take your time,” Dr. Monroe said soothingly, her words like a cool relief to Zenapharr’s ears. He had attributed much of his progress to her. She was so sweet, caring. Not cold like him.

“It was…a boy. A young boy…my sword went right through him. At the same moment he was going around the corner he ran into a boy…and I killed him. That’s why…that’s why I wanted help. I’d gone too far…” He trailed off, and Dr. Monroe studied him. As emotionless as his words sounded, she could see him starting to break. His facial features were no longer the etched stone from before, it was closer to malleable clay. Truly, he looked to be in despair, on the verge of breaking down. Knowing of Zenapharr’s outbursts in the past, she wanted to be very careful.

“Zenapharr, I’m sorry. “

“Sorry doesn’t bring him back. Nothing will…it’s too late for him. Too late…”

“It was an accident. You didn’t mean to…”

“If I was in control, there would BE no accident! I tried to forget about it…but something won’t let me. Nothing’s been the same since.”

“How are you dealing with it now? That was six months ago.”

“Well, I’ve given that some thought. There is one more thing I want to say…and once I tell Dr. Pennington that, I might go away for a while.”

“You plan to leave? You shouldn’t, not before your therapy is completely…”

“I WANT TO DIE, DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?” Zenapharr shouted, his voice full of despair and sorrow, something he hadn’t felt in a long time. She recoiled, but realized it was not in anger. He hated this feeling overtaking him. It was so unlike the strong feeling that anger gave him. This made him feel insolent, like a child.

“I’m sorry…I didn’t…I didn’t mean to frighten you.”

“Zenapharr, nothing will change if you die. The boy will still be gone. You can do something good with your life...forgive yourself.

“FORGIVENESS? HAH! HAhaha! There’s no forgiveness for me!” Dr. Monroe noticed suddenly that the temperature in the room was changing. “Who would forgive me? A serial killer? A killer of children? No! I don’t deserve it…”

Zenapharr opened his mouth as if to say more, but instead slumped back and stared at the ground. She could see he was shaking, unable to control the suppressed emotion rippling through him. As badly as she wanted to, she couldn’t comfort him to help calm his nerves. It was unfortunately against protocol to do so, which was frustrating considering that Dr. Pennington said it was important to make sure he didn’t get too worked up.

“Zenapharr…I understand how you can feel that way. The guilt…I can’t imagine. You were very brave to tell me that. As much as I hate to say it, maybe his death was for a better cause. The event of that might save countless other lives if it helps you get over this. Ending your life is not the answer.”

The assassin stared blankly in silence still, his body still shaking.

“Perhaps we can talk about it more later. I can see you’re exhausted, so we should take a break.”

Looking somewhat like a lost puppy, he lifted his head and quietly nodded.

From the other side of a two-way mirror, Dr. Pennington and the Director watched as Dr. Monroe silently led Zenapharr out. The Director ran his hands through his beard in curiosity.

“What do you think he wants to tell you?” Krane asked.

“Hells bells, if I know. Knowing that one, it can’t be anything good. I’m shocked though.”

“I have to agree with that. There’s a human being inside there after all. And to think, I wanted to have him executed.”

“I’m glad I was able to sway you out of it. His reform could be the best thing for us. A great excuse for me to perform more extensive tests. He’s been broken…that’ll make him more likely to comply if he thinks it’ll help unbreak him..”

“I agree. You’re smarter than I gave you credit for Pennington, I’ll give you that. How is the Lazarus Chamber going, by the way?”

“Oh, it’s taken some great strides! We’ve finally been able to bond the compounds of a Phoenix feather with the Crimson Agent, which has shown some unusual results. Not successful, but with the correct tweaking, we could have a successful results within a year! I’ll have to show you first thing tomorrow.”

“Fantastic! I knew I could count on you. Who knew such a tragedy could inspire you to come up with what could be the world’s greatest invention.”

“Yes, it will be. There will be backlash of course…due to the moral implications. But in time they will understand.”

“How long has it been?”

“About ten years. Nathan would have been 22.”

“I’m sorry…he would have been proud of his dear ole Dad, though.” He clapped Dr. Pennington on the shoulder, and began leaving.

“Thank you,” he responded, and The Director left him to his thoughts. Pennington walked back to his office and held his picture of his son smiling outside. A bitter sweet chill ran through him, and he gently touched his son’s face.

“I’ll bring you back to me, son. One way or another…”

Thirty minutes later, Dr. Pennington sat in front of a bewildered Zenapharr. The typical icy, hard gaze was replaced by defeat and haggardness. Grasping his amber necklace with one hand, Zenpharr stroked the amber stone with with his index finger as if making an imaginary wish. Pennington made a point not to show it, but he was very much intrigued by Zenapharr having the demeanor of a child clutching a teddy bear.

“I understand there’s something you wish to talk to me about,” Pennington started. In contrast to Zenapharr, he was on edge.

“How are you, doctor?” Zenapharr said formally but genuinely interested.

“I’m fine, Zenapharr. It’s been years since I’ve talked to you in person. I apologize it’s not quite the reunion you may have imagined, but I thought it best if I not talk to you unless absolutely necessary. You’ve looked well mostly, since you’ve been here, anyway. You look quite upset today.”

“That’s because I am upset, doctor. You heard my earlier conversation so let’s not pretend you don’t know, shall we?”

“Okay, fair enough.”

“Do you know what I did that made me upset, doctor?”

“What is that?”

“I killed a young boy, but you already knew that from my conversation with Ostrand. Even if I didn’t know this intellectually, I could just tell by simply reading you. You looked at me like a rat in a rage back then, and you still look at me that way now.”

“Zenapharr, we’ve always cared…”

“Do NOT cajole me, doctor. You owe me that much.”

Zenapharr’s eyes narrowed, and Pennington flinched at the punctuation.

“You’re right, Zenapharr. There’s no time for pretenses and games. I should be forthcoming with you. Yes, I was charged with your experiments and observation back then, and now is the same.”

“Thank you. Now I have some questions and I will only ask them once. Firstly, why are you so determined to control me?”

“Control you? What do you mean?” The doctor’s feigned ignorance did not adequately hide his nervousness.

“You know EXACTLY what I mean. You said no games, doctor. I know you tried to inhibit my powers, my true potential. You even drugged…my…food. Like I’m some kind of wild animal. Why? And don’t you lie to me…”

“Zenapharr…your situation is complex. Straight answers won’t do it justice. The circumstances go much further than…” Pennington kept darting his head to the side as if waiting for a response.

“Hey, I’m over here!” Eyes wide, Pennington snapped his head back.

“If everything’s so complicated, then simplify it for me.”

“Okay, here it is. As you probably know, you are special, Zenapharr. Farther than you may ever know. There’s something special in your lineage, which gives you great magical prowess. Tests showed that you have such potential it’s literally…frightening what you could do. And especially after all you’ve been through, we were afraid that if you tapped into that power that it could get out of hand.”

“Out of hand, you say? Labeling me ‘expendable’ seems a bit out of hand. Was that experiment going to kill me, doctor?”

“The Injection has known to harm patients, yes. Have some died in the process, yes. But we didn’t know anything for certain. You were the great exception, a marvel of a superhuman being that would launch us into a new era.” He then regretted some of his words in his attempt to satiate the killer.

“A new era? And they say I’m crazy.”

“It’s just an expression, I assure you! It just means a breakthrough in scientific progress. The applications of the Injection are innumerable now! What we’ve realized is that if we can make someone with normal speed, strength, and other qualities go beyond it’s capacity, we could use that to cure all sorts of diseases and conditions. Someone who couldn’t walk now has the potential to walk again!”

“And have you been able to perform these said miracles?”

“Not yet, but we’ve been working on it and some new results have shown remarkable things, Zenapharr. Things have never been done before. I’m calling it the Lazarus Project. Are you familiar with a Phoenix feather?”

“Yes, it’s known to heal people.”

“We’ve found a way to utilize so that is does more! It could heal permanent wounds. We’re on the precipice, Zenapharr and we have you to thank for it!”

“How do you mean?”

“From studying your blood and how it reacted with the Injection chemical, we’ve figured out a way to make it stabilize our experiment for the project. The breakthrough involving you helped us spear head the entire thing! I was at a loss when we had to send you away to military school for the Minerva program, but it provided NOSRAD with a future and we have you to thank for it!”

“I’ll try to contain my excitement. That leads me to the second question. My blood, is has something special in it. What is it exactly?”

“How did you come to know some of this information, by the way?” Dr. Pennington ignored the question.

“I’m a resourceful man. Talk.”

“I’m willing to talk with you, Zenapharr but you must return the courtesy. You’ve been snooping around, haven’t you?”

“I have an informant. You’ll never catch him, though. He is quite stealthy, enough to impress me, even. I’ve seen files.”

“You’ve seen the files on the Injection process, haven’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Well Zenapharr please don’t think us deceitful with all that’s been going on. Sometimes the truth has to be hidden for the greater good. It’s not always seen that way, but it’s necessary. At any rate, I can tell you this much. Within your blood are traces of a race known as the Seraphim. I did some research, and they are an ancient race. Thought to be extinct, but enough of their bloodline was in you to somehow bond with the Injection chemical to work. That is what makes you who you are.”

“Are you implying that being a Seraphim makes me a killer?”

“Very much so. They were a very powerful and violent race, which is what led to their extinction. Essentially, the entire world banded together to wipe them out.”

“The first Great War?”

“The very first. Very different than the more recent Great War that destroyed most of everything. The last Great War was about power and paranoia, a nuclear arms race that had us all firing at each other. The Seraphim War was much further back, and that was about unity. People of all nations came together to defend the planet. Did you know elves are derived from the Seraphim? Elves didn’t exist before that time, because they are the half-blood offspring of the Seraphim…it explains a lot. Amazing to think the discrimination of elves go back that far.”

“How come I never learned this in my schooling?”

“They don’t teach it at schools…not anymore. It’s so long ago, they thought it to be irrelevant. Only Ancient Civilization class might mention these things. In your case, I had to really dig deep to find the answers. You’re a missing link, in a strarnge sense.”

“Well, doctor , I must admit your forthcoming was surprising. It’s also my turn to be forthcoming with you.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes. And by the way I disagree with you about my heritage making me a killer. The results of the Injection proved it to change my actions. As a way to thank you for giving me this gift, I want to tell you something I’ve not told anyone. I had the chance to say it earlier and I lied, and I am sorry.”

“What is it, Zenapharr?”

“Well, as I told Dr. Monroe earlier my last killing was accidental, but I killed a young boy. It’s quite ironic that my last kill be the same as my first.”

“Your first?”

“Yes, doctor. My first kill was not a random transient as I’d told you…it was your son, Nathan.”

Dr. Pennington was very still now, and looked down at the table in thought, then up to Zenapharr. He blinked a couple of times, as if expecting reality to change.

“I’m sorry, I…wasn’t sure I heard you correctly.”

“It’s true, doctor. Your son’s death seemed to initialize my kills, and hopefully this recent accident will be the last. I feel I can’t truly repent of my sins unless I confess. As angry as I am at what you’ve done to me, it wouldn’t be right for me to lie all the same. If it makes you feel any better, I truly do want to die. I hope you find some solace in that.”

Pennington bore his gaze into Zenapharr’s, and the truth in the killer’s eyes came shining through.

“How…why did….” The actualization of it all hit him square in the gut, and he was on the verge of hyperventilating.

“I’m sorry but it’s very…hard to remember. I just remember we were outside…I was playing in the nearby forest, I sometimes escaped without anyone knowing. I just randomly ran across him. He was very kind, I do remember that. Somehow, I think he wanted to show me a knife, perhaps a gun of his….and I felt very strange. Something just….snapped. The next thing I knew I was covered in his blood. And I…I liked it.”

“Shutup! You’re lying! What are you trying to accomplish here? Play mind games to get back at me?”

“No, doctor. It’s all true, and you know it. I wanted to take it back, but I couldn’t.”

“Stop it! This is…this is a waste of time!” And Dr. Pennington stood up to leave, signaling for a guard to unlock the door.

“Wait,” Zenapharr commanded softly. Before his very eyes, Zenapharr reached into his pocket and pulled out something small and placed it on the table. Cautiously, Dr. Pennington sat back down, picking up the small object and inspected it. In Dr. Pennington’s mind, the realization of what he was looking at seemed to bend reality and his world morphed into a hazy dream.

In his hands he held a tuft of hair, tied around the middle with a small red ribbon. Gravity seemed to shift and sway and he felt dizzy. He was holding a lock of his son’s hair.

“Why….why…..” he repeated under his breath, wishing it away.

“I didn’t understand it myself at first. I thought it was a reminder to not get angry again, but after talking to Dr. Monroe…I realized it was a trophy. Nathan was my first.”

’SHUT UP! SHUT UP, SHUT UP! DON’T YOU DARE SAY HIS NAME AGAIN, YOU DAMN MONSTER!” He jumped up from his chair, knocking it over. “What is WRONG with you??!!”

“I’m sorry, doctor.”

“YOU WANT TO DIE? I’LL FULFILL YOUR WISH, YOU MONSTROUS DIRT BAG!” He lunged at Zenapharr, who easily moved out of the way. The doctor fell to the floor, and through all the anger and hurt he felt, he felt helpless even more. Zenapharr would not allow the doctor to harm him. It was pride…only Zenapharr would hurt Zenapharr.

The killer stood up, patted the doctor’s shoulder, and said, “Don’t forget. You made me what I am.”

Dr. Pennington sat idly, looking at the wall but not seeing it, holding his son’s hair to his chest. His soul felt empty, his will now completely gone. His son had died, and he WAS responsible. The monster who had taken his boy’s life was his own creation. All in the name of progress.

Depressed, he pondered what his next plan of action would be. Only one way that he could hurt Zenapharr, and it wasn’t physically. It didn’t take long before he decided what to do.