What Follows

′it’s so much darker when a light goes out than it would have ever been if it had never shone`

I always thought and still think that people who say that you, you have it all in you. That you are in control of your universe, that you can do the impossible, are just a bunch of idiots.

I am/was in no way in control of my universe. I mean, what is the point of controlling all your bloody galaxies if you can’t control your damned planet? What’s the point of trying at all if I won’t get the people I want, to care about me? What should I do with all the uncontrollable, useless ‘almosts’ that plagued my planet?

Almost love. Almost friendship. Almost daughter. Almost sister. Almost dead. Dead.

And you know, maybe I’m just sad that Sierra is dead. And mad that things didn’t go the way they were supposed to, according to me. And maybe, truly, all I lacked is faith. Faith that things would get better. That there’s a reason behind every mishap. That there’s something, something worth going on for.

I lost faith in my planet and didn’t give myself the chance to discover the rest of my galaxies.

I just think that we’re never meant to ‘control’ our universes. We’re meant to traverse them. Flip through the galaxies like pages in a book and skim through the planets like words.

We were meant to get attached then let go. Let go.

I should’ve never allowed myself to get stuck on a planet. On a word.

Just like the end of anything, I can taste the end of this month in the air. I can taste the start of a new phase of my damning. And the unpleasantness this brings, hugs my bones to dust.

I’m not in the Darkoom. And really, I don’t understand time here. Is my month their month? I know for a fact that I can live a certain time at different places just fine. But I also do wonder if they have days when they don’t think about me, which in turn, will make my month much shorter.

And maybe that’s why I find it essential to whisper to myself ′Tobias and Benji. Benji and Tobias’, every time I’m taken to a new dimension. I’d whisper in panic, scared that I’d find myself forgetful. Scared that it’d be all over already.

Scared that I won’t get the time to tell my goodbyes just yet.

I’m standing in front of a church, my funeral’s church. And no possibility other than Sierra’s funeral makes sense of it.

My vision suddenly blurs and I know that my heart still carries the charred remnants of my love to her. And suddenly I wonder what people would say about our successive deaths. What would Jacob make of it? Mostly, I hope that he doesn’t even think of mourning her.

And by that I mean, I hope he comes to her funeral. Because Jacob doesn’t believe in them. That would make me feel special.

I glance to my left and find Tobias’ hand on my shoulder (he is draping his arm around me), and I take my time to stare at it. It’s huge with long, slender fingers and deeply bitten nails. I can tell that he was an anxious mess before he killed himself.

“A church,” Tobias mutters to himself and I look up at him. He’s looking at me, doe-eyed with a petal-soft smile.

Benji circles both of us, panting excitedly.

“You’re still crying,” he whispers and I sigh heavily, giving in and resting my head against his chest. He responds by pulling me closer.

“How did Tom’s death feel like?” I whisper.

The question hangs in the air and I look up at Tobias.

He frowns a little, bites down his lower lip. “It felt like being forced.”

“Being forced?" I blink at him and he looks down at me with a soft, soft smile that drops quickly.

“Forced to do everything that was meant to keep me alive.” His eyes flutter and I gulp. “Forced to sleep when I can’t stand to, only to sleep and be forced to wake up the next morning. Forced to attend his funeral. Forced to shove food down my throat, then forced to keep my food in when I remember my brother drenched in his vomit. Forced to drink water, the essence of life, only to force myself to imagine it as a river of tears to make me feel a little better at the pleasure it brings me.” He sighs heavily. “It just felt like I was being forced to remain alive. Until I wasn’t.”

I close my eyes, my heart in labour with more pain. “I’m sorry.”

“My parents didn’t blame me for it, you know? And back then, I thought that it was the most decent thing they’ve ever done to me. I mean, I was scared to death that they were holding back all those accusations. I was scared of how they perceived my role in his death. And even though I was the culprit, they never blamed me. Not even with their eyes.” Tobias breathes out. “I still don’t know why.”

“They blamed themselves.”

“Every breath I breathed, I was waiting for them to say it. I was waiting for them to just tell me that I was the reason behind it all-”

“They know they pushed you.”

He shakes his head. “That’s a sorry excuse,” he tells me. “What’s even more sorry was how I, so cowardly, killed myself because I couldn’t take the consequences of my actions. Jail. So what? It’s much more honourable than this existence.”

I sigh heavily. “I don’t think we can control ourselves much when we’re so emotionally consumed,” I say.

“I wish there was someone to ground me, you know?” He says. “Someone to tell me, ′be a man!′, ‘have some bloody manners’, ’own up to it, you coward!’. I wanted someone to strengthen me.”

“What about poetry?” I sniff.

“It was the reason behind it all, wasn’t it? Why I got so angry in the first place,” he says. He then cups my face, wipes my tears, holds my eyes. “I never lied to you.”

“The month is ending and I’m not ready,” I say irrelevantly and lift my hands to remove his hands from my cheeks. I hold them instead.

Tobias’ face might as well be used to describe the whole human’s emotion spectrum. I close my eyes because I can’t, I can’t look for longer.

“It is what it is,” he mutters softly.

"It is-" I sob out. “It is all it is.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispers and I’m suddenly so hungry for his warmth, for the catch in his voice, for the speck of light in his dimmed eyes. I’m hungry for all the human things that can never happen and it shreds my insides.

“Maybe we should head inside,” I say instead and hear Tobias sigh heavily.

“We don’t have to do this,” he replies softly. “She doesn’t deserve your respects.”

I look down at Benji who’s staring at me with wide, brown eyes and pick him up, wishing I could feel the comfort his fur would’ve provided. I swallow away this pain, swallow away my fantasies.

“I just want to know whether or not Jacob attended,” I say, my lips pressed against Benji’s fur.

“You want him to attend,” Tobias asks/states and when I don’t answer he sighs. ”Does it matter? Why would you punish yourself with something he knows nothing of?”

I look up at him and shrug helplessly. “I don’t know.”

Tobias shakes his head, his eyes assessing my surroundings before he double-takes. He stares at a point behind my shoulder.

"What-?” I start, distracted, and turn to find him staring at what seems to be Joshua’s back, half-concealed by a tree’s branches.

“Let’s go and see,” Tobias says softly, taking my hand and walking across the pavement leading to the church, to get into the tiny woods where we’ve also found Sierra hiding and faking her mourning.

I suddenly feel dreadful.

Joshua is standing and watching Mason who’s staring at him with arms crossed across his chest.

While Mason looks all tidied up to let go of his ex-lover, Joshua looks haggard in his unkempt hair, ruffled suit and loose tie. He has a bandage on the side of his face and his eyes could be two lava balls jumping around the trees. His hands shake uncontrollably as he rests them on a tree’s trunk for support.

Mason seems to notice his dishevelled appearance because he seems a little less angry.

"Hey,” Tobias whispers in my ears, startling me terribly. “I’m right here.” He reminds me and I nod at him, rolling my trembling fingers into fists.

It takes Joshua a lot of soft sighs and lip-licking before he starts talking. “I’m sorry for what you saw-”

“Yeah, you shagging my girlfriend. That’s something you should be just sorry for,” he says crossly and Joshua seems to find it harder to breathe.

"Mason, no,” is the thing that comes out as his eyes fill up to the brim. “Mason, I hated her.”

Mason looks at him disbelievingly. “Why the hell are you lying? She’s dead. So is our conversation-”

Joshua seems alarmed by his sudden change in mood. “Mason, wait!”

The urgency in his voice unhinges me a little and grabs Mason’s attention.

“It was just a making out session with someone who called your ‘love-making’ one-nightstands!” Joshua says bluntly and Mason looks confused. “Do you really wanna lose me over someone like her?” He’s barely holding himself together. “I can’t afford that. You’re all I have left-"

“Why are you throwing dirt on her name-?”

“I am not!" Joshua replies vehemently. “You don’t understand.” He sniffs.

“What is there to understand, Joshua?!” Mason yells. “I told you I liked her. And then I walk onto you making out or shagging or whatever. All terrible things to do to your ‘all you have left’!"

Joshua’s lips float around a little as he gulps down air. “She told me- she told me different things-”

"Different things?!” Mason scoffs like he can’t believe it. “And what about what I’ve told you?! You just...disregarded how much she’s meant to me!" Mason suddenly sounds hurt instead of furious.

Joshua’s face is beetroot red as he looks at Mason helplessly. “Mason, man, I’m so sorry,” he tells him and maybe I can hear the air vibrating in sync with his distraught heartbeats.

Mason shakes his head. “You were my brother. My brother, man-”

“She’s not who you’d like to think she is,” Joshua says with difficulty. “Why can’t you trust me on this?”

Mason looks away and runs a hand across his face. “They said you were the one who reported her death.”

Jason finds it difficult to neutralise his terrified facial expression and maintain his composure. “Yes.”

Mason narrows his eyes at him. “What happened?”

“Her motorcycle blew up,” Joshua whispers almost inaudibly.

“How?” Mason looks confused and Joshua casts his eyes down.

“I have no clue,” he confesses. “We were talking, and out of nowhere, she and her bike just burst into flames.”

Mason seems to sympathize and I almost barf. “That must’ve been an awful way to go,” he whispers and Tobias snorts.

Joshua says nothing for a while and Mason seems lost in thought.

“Maybe she deserved it,” Joshua says after a while and Mason lifts his eyebrows in shock.

“Joshua, no.”

“Yes, Mason. She deserves it.” Joshua seems to be coming alive with his announcement. “She was a psychopath.”

Mason looks worried as if he’s questioning Joshua’s sanity. ”Josh-”

“She killed Roseline,” he drops the bomb and Mason blinks at him.

“Josh, Roseline killed herself-”

“No, no-” Joshua is already crying, his tears no longer a secret. “No, Mason, Roseline was emotionally killed.”

“They were best friends-”

Joshua shakes his head and rubs his eyes as he continues. “No, they weren’t,” he says. “Sierra hated her.”

Mason frowns. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that Sierra had always been jealous of her-”

"Jealous?” Mason seems baffled. ”Why? Sierra was smart, beautiful-”

“She had me,” Joshua says, closing his eyes. “Roseline had me and Sierra had loved me ever since forever.”

Mason’s jaws drop. “No-”

"Yes, Mason,” Joshua says sadly. “Sierra said shit behind her back. She slowly ruined her life by defaming her.”

Mason looks too shocked to respond.

"Come on!” Joshua pushes him with teary eyes. “Can’t you think, for the life of you, of something weird that she’s done? Something terrible?”

Mason tries to say things that are not coming out as his irises leave the present to indulge the past for a while.

“This is nuts,” Tobias says from next to me and I shake my head.

“I remember something,” Mason says slowly. “But-but there’s no way that would translate to something as horrible as what you’re accusing her of.”

Joshua clutches a bunch of hair in his hands. “What did she do?”

Mason looks down. “On our second date, the day Roseline passed away,” he gulps. “We were kissing when we got the phone call-”

Joshua covers his mouth with his hand as he urges him to continue.

“I was sad, unbelievably so,” Mason says, his eyes slowly watering up. “I wanted to leave. Give both of us space to cope with the news,” he gestures wildly. “But-but-”

“But what?”

“But she insisted on having it anyway. As if she hadn’t really processed Roseline’s death,” he says. “And I, not wanting to lose her, obliged. I blamed it on it being her coping mechanism.”

“She never cared,” Joshua whispers, exhaling shakily.

“But that’s no proof whatsoever.”

Joshua looks at him sympathetically. “You wouldn’t want proof.”

Mason blinks at him. “There’s a proof?”

Joshua nods. “A video.”

"A video?”

“Yes, a video meant to defame you too,” Joshua says and I immediately understand what he’s talking about.

Mason is suddenly alert. “What video?”

“Your sex tape.”

Mason looks too shocked to talk. “What? How?”

Joshua nods and I realize he’s completely changed the tape’s purpose to make it more believable than a messed-up dark web game.

“How do you know all that?!” Mason recovers only to attack Joshua.

“She confessed it all before she died.”

Mason makes a face. “That makes no sense whatsoever, man-”

“It doesn’t! But maybe she set herself on fire and wanted to come clean to me, the love of her miserable life!” Joshua fights and I lift my eyebrows. He must’ve thought this all through.

Mason says nothing for a while before glancing at Joshua and shaking his head. “You know what?” He grimaces. “I call bull.”

Joshua’s figure shakes and I’m almost terrified for him. “Call it whatever you want to call it,” Joshua says, his hair falling over his eyes and sweaty forehead. “I wanted to free you from mourning a selfish bitch," he says venomously. “You are my only friend,” he blinks. “And I think there’s nothing you’d believe if you don’t even trust me.”

Mason stares at him despondently. “You know what I see?” Joshua doesn’t reply. “I see a traitor weaving lies to excuse his actions.” Joshua’s shoulders drop. “I see someone so pathetic and selfish to make it all about himself. Roseline’s suicide. Sierra’s death. It’s all your fault.”

"No-”

"Don’t you for a second think that I don’t know how you cruelly broke up with Roseline!” Mason shouts and Joshua’s back hits the tree.

“It’s my only regret-”

“Shut up!” Mason yells. “You’re not in a very good position to talk shit like that.”

“Mason, you don’t understand.”

“I don’t care to understand,” he says harshly. He then shakes his head. “Just leave me alone, man.” Joshua approaches him but Mason backs off.

Seeing the disgust in Mason’s eyes, Joshua nods absently, pulls his hands behind his back and steps back.

“I’d like not to see your face. Ever,” Mason adds lastly before leaving the little woods and heading to the church.

Joshua might as well have taken a punch to his heart.

I stand in shock as he rests his forehead against the trunk and groans loudly, painfully. He then slides down the tree and sits in a pool of dead, decaying leaves. He drops his head in his trembling hands as his shoulders shake worlds with his tears.

It’s too sad. It breaks my heart.

I drop Benji to the ground and look up at Tobias who has a displeased facial expression.

“It is all it is,” he mutters and I blink at Joshua.

“Do you think he deserves it?” I ask, referring to Joshua, and Tobias shrugs.

“I haven’t the slightest clue,” he sighs as Benji barks up at him.

Joshua is now lying on the ground in a fetal position and heaving his soul out. I tsk and reach for Tobias’ hand.

It’s a sad world.