What Follows

`how many centuries deep is your wound?`

Tobias scratches his head and holds his hip before glancing at me. Glancing at the disaster my face is as I watch Sierra lean toward Joshua on a bed that isn’t his or hers.

And it’s funny that I feel nothing. My heart seems to have taken a pause mid-beat, not knowing if it should jump in anger and disgust, or just relax/die in sadness and disappointment.

“That’s paradoxical,” Tobias says as Joshua slowly copies Sierra’s move.

I blink away his remark and try not to focus on the tiny details of my situation. I try not to focus on, hey, this is your ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend doing the ‘shame-shame’. That, hey, they’re supposed to be hating each other.

And when I’m done failing at not focusing, I realize that those aren’t tiny details. Those are the details.

“I’m sorry,” Tobias whispers for some reason but I can’t spare the time to reply as I think of ways I could get away with murdering two people at once. I think of bashing their heads dead to the bedpost, slicing their bodies to smithereens and feeding them off to the fishes. Cause this is where our friendship sleeps.

It sleeps with the fishes.

Joshua pulls away from Sierra to stare at her, and I’m so revolted, it takes me my all not to barf. Which makes me wonder, again, what does ghost barf look like? Is it rot manifested with worms or is it stardust?

Cause I might just bring the whole universe down on them.

“They’re the reason why,” I say, no longer capable of handling the idea of them together, no longer capable of watching them insult my existence.

"Hey,” Tobias gets closer but I’m too rooted in my thoughts to pay attention to him. “Rose, look at me.”

I glance at him and it hurts to know that it saddens him that I’m agonizing over what they’ve done to me. He locks my eyes and I almost look away when he subtly shakes his head.

“Don’t look away,” he says, his thick eyebrows drawn in concern and his lips pulled down into a frown.

“It’s my punishment,” I say and sniff, and hate myself for it. “I’d like to watch them trash my existence and piss on it.”

“No, you wouldn’t.” Tobias drops Benji, risking having the lovely couple look over and find him. But Tobias knows better. He knows that they’re way into each other to notice such a thing. So he holds me.

“Give yourself the mercy of not looking.” He tells me, flushed, with his hair barely held up by the bun. “Just close your eyes.”

I inhale shakily and bring my unsteady hands to my shower heads for eyes. I give Sierra one final glance before shutting my eyes, a hand on my chest.

“Yes,” Tobias says softly and I peel my eyes raw to him, my lips quivering. Tobias’ lips part helplessly before he hesitantly wraps his arms around me.

And I feel nothing I swear. I feel nothing at all, I feel nothing but my sobs hurtling out of my mouth and into his chest. And I realize that I’m slowly turning into an insecure mess he’s trying to hold still.

“Did I do something wrong? Did I ever hurt them?” I ask between my sobs. “Was there something wrong with me?”

Tobias makes it a point to reply with a chain of ’no’s. No, love. No way. No, please. But I’m not convinced, so,

“Why? Why?" I ask. Why did they hurt me? Why me?

“Because they’re bad people,” Tobias says. “And because good people pay for bad people’s mistakes. That’s why, love.”

“So why is it that I get to suffer?” I wail.

“We failed God,” Tobias says. I look up, in his eyes, my lips parting. “We failed Him by not being around to see how just He is,” he says. “I don’t think God wants you to watch them be so awful, you know?”

I blink at him.

“Not to say that I have any idea, but I think He wants you to see what He’ll do to them so you’ll regret not staying behind. And that’s the real suffering. Not this. It’s knowing that things could’ve been better and not being around to witness it.”

“There’s no hope for us,” I whisper brokenly as I hang in there, between his arms, a sniffing mess, looking in his eyes for help.

Tobias cocks his head (not dismissively, but rather in a way to hide the pain my words brought about), and says, “No, not for us.”

And I wonder if God knows that words are murderers in disguise (of course He does). Murderers lurking under our soft sighs, whisperous whispers and silvery voices. Maybe humans are better off mute.

But then words can also brighten up faces and make days. And I suppose that’s the thing. God has created us with a completely free will. We can use our words to harm or heal. We can use our brains to deceive or lead. We can use our hands to help or...to slit wrists.

We are free to do whatever we want. And what we want is what we all need considering. God gave us the freedom to turn rogue or faithful.

The room’s door gets slammed open and Tobias and I spring apart to look at the intruder. Tobias rushes to get hold of Benji who was dragging Joshua’s jacket under the bed before returning to stand next to me with wide eyes.

We then stare at the intruder holding two red cups and wearing a huge smile that dims to nothing when Sierra pushes Joshua off of her.

“Mason,” Sierra states, glancing over at Joshua who looks aghast.

Mason’s frozen facial expressions thaw into sizzling anger before he hurls the red cups at Joshua. None of them hit him as they fall to the ground and stain the carpet with their contents.

"What the hell, Josh?!” He says, charging toward him.

“Mason-!” Sierra reaches out for him, but he turns to her with a death glare.

"At my own bloody party?!” Mason sneers at her. “On my parents’ bed?” He then turns to Joshua and pushes his shoulders. “What the hell, man?!”

Joshua seems lost at words. “I didn’t know-” He whispers, looking way too apologetic to be believable.

"What didn’t you know, man?" His voice breaks. “I thought you were my brother, man, what the hell was that, man?” He pushes him again and Joshua does nothing to retaliate. ”Get out! Get the hell out, man!” He yells before turning to Sierra. “Both of you, out!”

Mason tries concealing his watering eyes while pointing at them. “You better have gone when I return.” He finally says before spitting next to his shoes and stumbling on one of the cups on his way out of the room.

Tobias and I stare at the wide-open door, lips parted, not knowing what to expect.

Joshua runs his hands through his hair and walks to the dresser, where we stood, only to pick up a blinking phone. A phone recording the shit-show that was happening.

“So it is a challenge,” Tobias says in disbelief. “What extents are they willing to go to?”

I don’t answer as Joshua turns to Sierra with an appalled expression. ”What the hell?" He spits out. “You said it was a one night stand.”

Sierra looks unbothered. “For me it was.”

“Are you serious?!” Joshua says furiously. “Mason is out there, thinking ya’ll in a relationship and you’re here thinking it was a stupid fling?” He gestures wildly. ”You know I only did this because I thought that ya’ll don’t care about each other!”

“And?”

“And I broke his heart!” He points at the door. “And he’s my best friend!”

“Well, how come he never told you about us if we were, in his mind, a thing? Besides, you said you wanted to finish the challenge in exchange for some cash and help to find my phone,” Sierra says. “It’s business, baby.”

“You don’t- you don’t care about him,” Joshua says, almost horrified.

“Of course not.” Sierra rolls her eyes. “My challenge was to isolate Roseline. I had to get Mason on my side. And unfortunately, he doesn’t do one night stands. He’s more of the dating type. It wasn’t my fault.”

“This is just ridiculous,” Tobias mutters and I shake my head in shock.

“You just can’t seem to get enough money!” Joshua bellows and Sierra purses her lips before smiling, then laughing.

“And you can?” She mocks, getting closer to him. She then pokes his chest. “I mean, why else would you force yourself on me for?” She lifts her eyes to his and pouts. “Your hate confused itself for love? You caught feelings? Josh?”

Joshua slaps away her hand and she smirks in response. “You don’t understand.”

“Well. Tell me, buttercup. Explain your reasons. Maybe I’m too dumb to understand,” she drawls and I cringe at her manners.

Joshua walks past her and sits on the bed. He stares at his reflection in the mirror despondently before sighing heavily and holding his head.

“Maybe I’d tell you if I weren’t too ashamed,” Joshua says quietly, averting his eyes to her. “Maybe I’ll tell you because I’m done with it anyway.”

Sierra scoffs.

Joshua shuts his stony eyes momentarily before opening up misty ones. “All I wanted was our sex tape, okay? And maybe the game will be decent enough to get you the hell out of my life.”

“Well, you chose to mess up your life.” She grins.

“I’d never choose messing up other people’s lives for money,” He tells her seriously.

Sierra shrugs. “I just fail to understand how your brain works. I mean, why would someone choose to ruin their own life over that of others? It was a no brainer for me.”

At that, Joshua scoffs. “You really think that? You really think that you’re coming out of this, if you ever do, unscathed?” He lifts his brows before snorting. “You have it coming.”

“I’m out here literally living my best life,” Sierra says.

“You’re just sick. You’re mentally ill.” Joshua snaps.

“Well, isn’t that the point?” She crosses her arms across her chest. “People with sick minds don’t really know that, and thus continue living their best lives.”

Joshua shakes his head and says nothing.

“I think this video is enough,” Sierra changes the topic. “They’d love to see how you’ve hurt Mason.”

“I never intended on that,” Joshua hisses. “You just know how to twist your words.”

Sierra smirks. “Aight, Mr Noble, let’s get our asses out of here before your Mason goes crazy on us.”

Joshua closes his eyes, nods slowly and gets up, leaving his phone on the bed. “Where’s my jacket?” He then asks, pulling up the beds’ covers and looking beneath them.

Sierra smiles wickedly. “I don’t know? Under the bed?”

Tobias and I look at Benji who pants happily at our sudden attention as Joshua looks up at Sierra with an exasperated facial expression. He then gets onto the floor with a sigh before lying on his belly and stretching his arm under the bed. Sierra, meanwhile, walks to the bed, looks down at Joshua’s phone before picking it up and quickly shoving it in her pants’ pocket.

I gasp loudly and Tobias groans.

“Fetch me my jacket too, Josh.” She singsongs and Joshua emerges from under the bed, hair ruffled, with his and Sierra’s jackets. He throws Sierra’s in her way. She catches it with a smile as he puts his on.

Tobias suddenly turns me to him. ”This? Did you see what just happened? That’s the real ‘shit’ no-one saw coming.”

I look in his bright eyes and my mouth hangs open helplessly. “But why?” I blurt out.

Tobias shrugs with a slight frown. ”I don’t know? Maybe she figured out he has her BlackBerry?”

I gulp. “No,” I say, observing the evil smile she’s wearing. “I would’ve known.”

“Not necessarily,” Tobias says. “Maybe it happened before they arrived here. Maybe it happened when you weren’t looking. Maybe she saw him that day you gave it to him-”

“But she left-”

“That’s what you think,” he smirks. “I mean, blimey, she’s a snake. Maybe, theoretically, it’d be plausible that she has eyes at the back of her head.”

I sigh heavily. “Hopefully he’ll notice before it’s too late.”

“It is too late.”

"No.”

Tobias tilts his head. “Try not to worry about the inevitable.”

And I know he’s right. I know I shouldn’t care/worry because I have no power to stop a disaster like this from happening. But when I try to act like it, my hands shake in refusal. And I try to divert my thinking away from the inevitable. I wonder, instead, about my shaking hands. About how it’s possible when I don’t have nerves and what makes human bodies human.

And I think, maybe, there are too many roaches feasting on my hands right now. Maybe they’re dancing on its dead flesh and throwing a delicious party. Maybe that’s why my hands are shaking. No, not because Sierra might kill Joshua, no. Not because of the inevitable, no.

Joshua and Sierra leave the room soon enough and it’s clear that he hasn’t noticed his missing phone. So I stare at the door, acutely aware that maybe it’s Joshua’s life that she might decide to ruin after having ruined mine.

Meanwhile, in the background, Tobias is saying something I can’t hear, and- and the lights? They’re going off. And I don’t know why he’s holding onto me when I wanted to beg him not to fall asleep yet, to not let go yet. When I wanted to tell him, ′Wait. Joshua. Tobias, we need to save Joshua!’.

What do you do on days when there’s so much to do, but sleep, sorry, being dead, seems to always swallow you whole and get in your very way?