We'll End Up In Hell Boys

“Why is it not possible? Do you know him?” Dorian asked me, and I was still connecting the dots. “He does have the same last name as yours….”

“Is he your dad?” Lance asked.

“No! My adoptive parents died. I am positive. However, that name belonged to someone who was supposed to be dead as well!”

“Who’s that someone, Divana?” Roy asked.

“Wayne Hensler was my dad’s younger brother, my ‘uncle,’ but he was announced dead after I was adopted. I never really got the chance to know him, but I remember attending his funeral. What is happening here, for God’s sake?”

“Kid, do you know where we can find Wayne?” Cidro asked the boy on the phone as he progressed the information that I gave.

“I don’t know; he knows how to find you, but we don’t know how to find him. If he wants to be found, he will pave your way to meet him. Do you need to know anything else? I have to go before I get caught. I am forever grateful for the money!”

“No, thank you. You were a great help. My advice is to get out, don’t get involved with the gang, and live with your sister. She will need you. Goodbye, kid.” Cidro ended the call, and no one said anything. They were waiting for me to speak. I did not know what to say, and in a way, I felt guilty to be related to this scumbag Wayne. He was the reason a lot of innocent lives perished. He was the spider who connected his evil threads around town without giving much thought to the people who were minding their business.

“Do you need water, dear?” Keri asked as she rubbed my shoulder.

“Yes, please.” She got up and walked to her kitchen.

“After you calm down, can you tell us how he was supposed to be dead?” Jino asked, and I nodded. They had the right to know because they were most affected by his dirty actions.

“Here you go, sweetie.”

“Thank you, Keri.” I took the cup and drank it. “Now, for your question Jino, he was supposed to be dead from an overdose. He was always under the influence, so my adoptive parents preferred I stay away from him as much as possible, and they did keep me away from him. I used to see him from my window. He always sat in the garden with a bottle of alcohol and girls, that was until he was announced dead a year after I was adopted. However, now that I recall my memories of that day, some people never let us open the coffin in his funeral, so we never saw his body….”

“From what I have heard, he must have partnered with someone and faked his death. If it is truly him, then he was desperate to erase his past life. Why?” Dorian stated his thoughts, and I seriously considered screaming aloud. I have never done that, and I wanted to try the feeling of getting out all of my frustration and toss it out the window by shouting.

Life was too short to stress over the little details, so I ran to the window and screamed my heart out. No one dared say anything because they probably understood or sympathized with my emotions. After two minutes, I sat on the floor and faced my friends. “That felt good. You should all try it sometime. To answer your question, Dorian, I think he wanted to erase his past life because of the death of his twin, the uncle that I have never met. My parents told me about him when I asked them about the reason for Wayne’s constant drunken and wasted state. I remember my response as if it happened yesterday, which was: past events do not define who we become in the future, rather our mindset after the trauma shape our view of the forthcoming.”

“I like that,” Roy commented. They did not know that I was talking from a bitter experience with life. Only Dorian could read between the lines if he wanted to, and from his facial expression, he understood me. I shrugged and sat back on the sofa next to Ismarelda and Dylla.

“So… if we could find him, can you talk some sense back into him?” Lance asked.

I sighed. “I am sure that Wayne does not remember me, and even if he did, he would kill me, the same way he killed himself years ago.”

“Yeah, I agree with you, Divana. He doesn’t sound like the type to negotiate with anyone, from what you told us and what we heard about the No La Vida gang leader. He’s ruthless,” Jino said.

“All this talk made me feel sad. Can we take a walk to ease up a bit?” Dylla suggested, and we agreed.

“You youngsters go, I ran this morning, and I feel that I need a nap,” Jino said as he stood up and grabbed his car keys. “Belmira, do you want to go with them or go home?”

“I need to make dinner, but I expect all of you to come after your walk. I will not take a no for an answer.” She glared at us, and we laughed.

“Thank you, we will take you up on your offer since I have a night shift and no time to make food for these monsters!” Keri exclaimed, and I rolled my eyes.

“We could order something, but I do prefer homemade food, so you will see us at your house later,” Roy said with a bright smile. “Let’s go!” He grabbed Ismarelda’s hand and ran ahead of us. Keri and Cidro walked after them while laughing at Roy. Lance and Dylla were a bit awkward yet cute and decided to walk to the side to have their privacy. I looked at them and beamed at the love nests which blossomed during our stay here. Unfortunate situations could bring happiness too.

“You coming?” I head Dorian ask with his extended hand. I looked at it and raised an eyebrow. “You are still a bit off-balance, and I feel that you need a warm hand to make you feel at ease.”

“Okay.” That was all I managed to say because I was hypnotized by his kindness.

“So…” he dragged on, and I gazed at the sky.

“So?”

“Do you want to talk about your screaming a while ago?”

I redirected my attention to the road ahead; it was a more slope, actually, not an exact road. I felt my body being titled downward. Good thing I was holding Dorian’s hand. “It’s probably nothing.”

“Nothingness brings anxiety, so when you say it’s nothing, it is something.”

“Every damn time! How do you know what to say?” I asked with a helpless laugh.

“Life toughened me up. The military taught me to conceal my feelings, yet my injury enforced my emotions to the point where I could not hold it in any longer. It is okay to feel frustrated, and I think I know why, but if you say it, it will get better. Trust me. Though I am aware that you shared your deepest secrets from your childhood with me, but sometimes it is harder to share occurring emotions than past incidents. Facing the present can be a challenge to some, and you are one of them, aren’t you?”

I was literally speechless. My tears started to cascade down my cheeks without caring if anyone saw me. Each tear burned like a flame. “Thank you for being in my life. If you want me to talk, then listen, just a warning, it’s going to sound ugly….”

“Let it all out.”

“I hate myself. I hate my existence. I am not worthy of calling you guys my friends. I am helpless. I am worthless. I want to die. I want to erase my life just like how Wayne erased his, but for good. Whatever I do, does not satisfy me. I am greedy, but not for money. I am greedy for love, affection, warmth, compassion, and safety. I feel lost. I am lost. Why was I born? To be sexually harassed and broken as a child? To forget what it’s like to be a kid? To suffer the loss of my adoptive parents? To always run away from my reality? I am running away. I am a coward. I fake my happiness thinking it would become real with time, yet nothing changes. I am stupid for believing that I deserve a better life! I don’t! The ones who fight for a brighter future do. What am I doing? Nothing. So, yes, it is probably nothing, and nothingness brings anxiety, Dorian. I feel trapped and suffocated. I feel that I ended up in Hell!”

“Hold on! Stop!” He stood in front of me and placed his hands on my shoulders to steady me from the hill. “Take a deep breath first.” He looked into my eyes, and I realized what I had just blurted out, and my tears would not stop running down my face.

“I did not know my own feelings until I yelled them out; what was that?” I asked, but it was more like a question to myself.

“This was all the negativity getting out of your system. I am glad that you said those words because I know that you are exactly the opposite of what you feel. You mean a lot to me, so you are not worthless. You don’t have to hate your existence because I love it. You are the strongest person I have encountered, so you are not helpless. You said it yourself, ‘past events do not define who we become in the future, rather our mindset after the trauma shape our view of the forthcoming.’ A person who wants to die would not think of that. You were not born to suffer. You were born to thrive past your scars. No one has the perfect life, but you can define perfectness in your own way, so you can have the perfect life you aspire to just by being you and imagining what you want in your life. Imagination can become a reality if it is sitting at the border of the possible. I love that you are greedy for love and safety because I can, and I will provide them for you if you want me to. If you hadn’t realized that this is my love confession to you, then you are a bit stupid!”

Again, I was speechless.