Un2talented (Book 3 of the Un2 Series)

“Is that an El Camino? That’s the second one this week!”

“It is and it isn’t,” Cate redirected. “It’s an Aquamino. Equal parts car, truck, and boat. It has been modified for use on the waters of the underworld.”

“Why an El Camino? Why not, well, just about anything else?”

“Do you know who Hephaestus is?”

Dorian stared blankly and shook his head.

“The Greek god?” Cate continued.

Dorian shrugged.

“Ugh, where do I begin?” Cate sighed. “Remember how Charlie mentioned we sometimes interact with corporations in your world, like us using tablets and wearing suits?”

“Sure.”

“That typically happens one of two ways. Either we approach a corporation that’s developing something we can use, or a god gets bored and feels like messing with humanity. This falls in column ‘B’ and leads us to Hephaestus, god, tinkerer, and a royal pain in the ass. He loves nothing more than to stir the pot. He designed the El Camino just to screw with people. The debate over whether it was a car or truck tickled him so much that he thought he would amp up the friction by adding another facet to the debate. As it turned out, even a god couldn’t get anyone to give a second look at a car-truck-boat!”

Dorian circled the vehicle, dragging his multi-hand along its polished surface. “I think it’s cool.”

“So did Charlie,” Cate continued. “He asked for one to use as his means of navigating the waters between life streams. Hephaestus made a few alterations to it and here it is.”

“But Charlie isn’t using it.”

“He says it does too much of the work and makes him feel like a passenger, so he ends up using that same old punt that he’s used for centuries. He’ll take it out for a spin every once in a while, but then he rolls it back into the garage, wipes it down with a chamois, and puts his baby to bed.”

“That’s a good thing for me, right?”

“Absolutely,” Cate agreed. “The keys are above the visor. Hop in and pull it out into the open. Make sure that pig sticker on your back doesn’t mar the upholstery.”

“Jeez, I forget that thing is back there. Thanks.”

Dorian felt for the sheath behind him. “It’s okay.”

The Aquamino’s engine reverberated, filling the stall with a familiar smell.

“Is that French fries?” Dorian said, leaning out the driver’s side window.

“The engine runs on used deep fryer oil. That was another one of Hephaestus’ follies. He swore he could make machines run on any substance. We preferred the smell it made when he made a bet with Poseidon, but we were in the minority.”

Cate guided Dorian to the water’s edge and signaled for him to cut the engine. She jumped onto the rear bumper, into the bed, and stood up on her hind legs so she could stick her heads through the rear slider window.

“As you can see, the dashboard looks like an ordinary dashboard for a vehicle of its time. It’s all analog gauges, knobs, and levers. No touch screens or digital readouts. Hephaestus wouldn’t have it. He felt they ruined the aesthetic. Besides, it’s a mystical artifact without the need for circuits and such.”

“Yet, it runs on French fry oil!” Dorian chuckled.

“Listen, if we had a nickel for every time a magically enhanced object made sense, we would have absolutely nothing,” Cate agreed. “Back to Aquamino 101. Do you see the odometer?”

“The miles thing?’

“Yes, the miles thing,” Cate sighed. “There is a rod protruding from the gauge. Pull that forward.”

Dorian complied.

“Notice that the number is the same as the current year. Try twisting the rod to the right.”

“It doesn’t turn.”

“That’s because it can’t turn beyond the current year. Turn it to the left.”

“It turns easy,” Dorian replied.

“Keep twisting it to the left until it reads one-four-nine-nine.”

Dorian began twisting and the number began dropping, but only a few digits with each roll of the fingers.

“This is going to take forever!”

“We’ve got time,” Cate replied.

After a few minutes, Dorian pulled his hand back and flexed it around.

“Ugh, I’m cramping up.”

“Keep going. You’ve got three hands. Try switching them up.”

After rotating through all three hands twice, Dorian reached his destination.

“Fifteen-hundred, fourteen ninety-nine. Done. Why fourteen ninety-nine?”

“DeLeon used the armor to return to his twenty-fifth birthday in order to reset his internal clock. That is where he is stranded and where he is lying in wait for you to show up with the breastplate.”

“But . . .” Dorian interrupted.

“We know! You don’t have the breastplate. That might be to your advantage because he won’t have a reason to kill you. That’s not to say he won’t try anyway.”

“Good?” Dorian kind of agreed.

“We think Charlie will be a bigger problem for you. DeLeon thinks things through. Charlie, not so much. Don’t turn your back on him, literally or figuratively.”

“Oh, I assure you won’t! Let’s wrap up this driver’s ed class so I can stare death in the face, shall we?”

“A wee bit dramatic, don’t you think?”

“Aren’t I literally traveling to a time where a conquistador is waiting to kill me?”

“Possibly. He may just want to arm wrestle. It depends on his mood.”

Cate licked a paw and straightened some out-of-place fur on head number two. “As I said earlier, the Aquamino does most of the work. Once you are positioned in the stream you put the car in reverse and hit the gas. It will only travel back as far as the time on the meter. Once you are there you shift into park. You will be in this chamber at that time.”

“Then what?”

“Then, you go up the stairs and back to the gazebo. Things will look very different since you will be in a time before the remodel, but that will make it easier to find your way there. After that, you will execute your rescue plan, get your asses back to the Aquamino, toss it in drive, and floor it. Charlie and DeLeon will be in hot pursuit unless your plan involved killing them. If that’s the case, you can take your sweet time on the drive back.”

“I don’t intend on killing anyone,” Dorian gulped.

“You be you,” Cate shrugged. “Now, that right there.” Cate pointed to the center of the dashboard.

“The radio?” Dorian replied. “What does that do?”

“It plays music. Don’t screw with it. Charlie has a thing about anyone touching the radio.”

Cate’s third head shuddered as if a chill went down its spine.

“What’s that all about?” Dorian asked.

“Charlie is calling us. She’s set to vibrate. I’ll put her on speaker. Hold on just a sec.”

“Hey, Charlie!”

Cate held a paw to her lips signaling for Dorian to stay quiet.

“Cate, what’s the holdup? Where’s the boyfriend?” sounded from head number three’s ears.

“He’s on his way,” Cate assured. “He’s sitting in the Aquamino at this very moment.”

“Tell him not to. . .”

“I know! He won’t mess with the radio!” Cate cut in.

“The breastplate isn’t going to damage the leather seat, is it?”

“I assure you, Charlie, there isn’t the slightest chance that the armor will leave a mark on the interior of the Aquamino.”

Cate covered head three’s ears and whispered to Dorian, “I told you I wouldn’t have to lie!”

“Okay, good. Get him in the water ASAP.”

“You bet, Charlie. He’ll be there in a couple of hundred years.”

Cate rolled her eyes. Dorian stifled a giggle.

“That joke never gets old,” Charlie chuckled. “Good work, Cate. See you in the future!” Charlie laughed again. “See what I did there?”

“That’s comedy gold, boss! Comedy gold!” Cate rolled her eyes even more. “Gotta get back to it. Bye.”

Head number three scrunched her eyes closed, listened for any sound, and then scrunched her eyes closed again.

“I had to make sure we were disconnected,” Cate explained.

“He’s a piece of work,” Dorian commented.

“You sure you won’t reconsider the killing thing?” Cate urged.