Un2talented (Book 3 of the Un2 Series)

Cadence, Charlie, and DeLeon were oblivious to the waterspout as it formed in the center of the gazebo. It was easy to miss since it was only slightly larger in diameter than the pebble that it was transporting. It spat the rock into the dome of the gazebo where it ricocheted into one of the column’s cornices and then sailed across the cavern and into the back of Charlie’s head.

“What the?” Charlie raised his hand to the point of impact and quickly turned to look behind him. “Did you two see anything?”

“I’ve seen many things. You’ll need to be more specific,” DeLeon laughed.

“Something hit me in the back of the head! Did you see what it was or where it came from?”

“I didn’t see a thing. Then again, that noggin is pretty big and blocks the view!” Cadence snickered.

“He does look kind of bobble-heady!” DeLeon added.

Charlie shook his head in frustration.

“Especially when he does that!” Cadence snorted.

“Especially when he does that!” Charlie mimicked. “I can’t wait to be rid of you both!”

“This could have been over ages ago, Mister ‘I’ll-get-you-the-breastplate-if-you-take-me-with-you’. I’m ready to go! Load my luggage in the punt and take me home. I’ll regain the armor on my own!”

Neither Cadence nor Charlie liked the sound of that.

“Let me rephrase that!” Charlie chirped. “I look forward to getting on with our lives.”

“I hear ya! Let’s get on with those lives!” Cadence fist pumped.

“I admire your exuberance!” DeLeon approved. “I’m considering moving you from scullery maid to entourage. Guys do that now, right? Have women in their entourage?”

“The cool ones do!” Cadence suggested.

“Hey, Chuck, do you have any skills beyond punt pilot?”

“Why? Are you looking to add me to your entourage as well?” Charlie replied anxiously.

“No. I’ve got a recently vacated scullery maid slot that needs filling!”

DeLeon roared with laughter, barely getting the sentence out.

Charlie roared as well but in anger. His tailored veneer cracked exposing the demon beneath.

“Whoa, Charlie!” Deleon backpedaled. “I’m teasing!”

“You tease too much!” Charlie snapped back. He brushed back his hair as he regained his composure.

“But you knew I was an ass when you met me!”

He turned to Cadence, “Everyone knows that, right?”

“Yep! Everyone knows that you’re a conceited, self-indulgent, Grade-A asshole.” Cadence agreed.

DeLeon pouted.

“But you’re an exceptionally talented one so that strikes an acceptable balance! It’s almost expected.” Cadence supplemented.

DeLeon nodded in agreement.

“See, Charlie, no outrage. Only a mild outbreak of pouty-face.”

“That wasn’t teasing. She stated a fact and then followed it with a backhanded compliment to spare your feelings. They are totally different things.”

“How about this?” DeLeon began. “I promise, the next time I say something to you that might be considered mean or demeaning I’ll follow it with something to offset the sting.”

“How about not saying something mean or demeaning?” Charlie suggested.

“That would be like asking a cat not to knock stuff off of the counter!” Cadence challenged. “You should take what you can get.”

“Because I’m a crappy person!” DeLeon repeated.

The sound of rushing water, like that of a flushing toilet, swooshed from the base of the gazebo.

“That’s better than a rim shot!” Cadence howled.

The flushing sound intensified into that of rushing water as a spinning liquid cylinder began to rise from the gazebo floor. At its center stood a silhouette of a man in a superhero posture, legs shoulder-width apart, chest out and hands at his hips. It was an impressive visual for a moment until the current took hold of the silhouette and transitioned it from amazing to amusing, tossing the figure about like a rag doll inside a front-loading washing machine. The form was repeatedly bounced off the interior of the gazebo’s dome as the watery column filled the structure. Instantaneously, the column retracted into a puddle and the figure dropped and then splashed down in the customary superhero three-point landing stance, head down and one fist forward or in Dorian’s case one multi-hand forward. He raised his head and winked at Cadence.

“Nice recovery! Coolness factor, ten!” DeLeon cheered.

Dorian rose and tried to shake like a dog to shed some of the water that soaked his vest. He looked less like a dog and more like he was trying to do the “Twist”.

“And back to zero,” DeLeon amended.

“Dory!” Cadence squealed. She rose to run to him, but DeLeon stopped her short and sat her back down.

“Nuh, ahh!” He wagged his finger at her. “Not so quick, missy. Keep your distance.”

“You look different. Are you doing something different with your hair?” Cadence joked.

“Nope. Hair’s the same. But I have been working out,” Dorian flexed. “I’ve added a few pounds and an appendage. Typical self-improvement kind of stuff.” He waved at Cadence using her hand.

“Nice choice of nail color. One of my favorites,” she retorted.

“Aren’t you going to introduce me?” DeLeon urged.

“Dorian, this is Juan, better known as DeLeon.”

“Nice to meet you, Dorian.”

DeLeon waved.

“My pleasure. You have a very cool mansion.”

“Thank you. By your Frankenstein-ish appearance, I assume that you’ve met my koi.”

“Yep. Nice fish. He helped me prepare for this encounter.”

“Speaking of this ‘encounter’, can we get on with it?” Charlie interrupted. “Can we get to the part where you kill him and take the breastplate, already?”

“Kill me? He doesn’t need to kill me. He just needs to defeat me!” Dorian protested.

“But he can kill you if he desires, correct?” Charlie urged.

Cadence glared at DeLeon.

“It happens sometimes,” he shrugged unapologetically.

“It doesn’t need to be a life-threatening contest!” Dorian protested with a bit more passion.

“I choose swords,” DeLeon proclaimed.

“Seriously? You couldn’t choose something a lot less stabby? How about dodgeball or maybe we settle this on the dancefloor?” Dorian performed a quick pirouette.

“I’m the challenger so I get to choose. I choose swords. Nothing compares to the slice of a blade.”

“You know, I’m pretty bad at a lot of things that don’t involve slicing or stabbing. You can defeat me at any of them without getting splattered with blood. How about Bo staffs? Beating me into submission using a big stick sounds like fun, doesn’t it? C’mon, you know you wanna!”

“I’ll beat you with a stick! You don’t have to ask me twice!” Charlie offered with glee.

“Not without a dinner, first!” Dorian quipped.

DeLeon erupted with laughter.

“Damn! Now you’ve gone and made me like you! That makes things more complicated!”

“So, we can skip the swords?” Dorian begged.

“Oh, no, we’re still using swords. Now I’ll feel bad if you die.”

Dorian slumped, disheartened.

“But” DeLeon consoled, “We’ll use my finest set of matched rapiers. I had them custom-made and have wanted to use them for the longest time! If I had to die, I would want it to be by the blade of swords like these.”

“I’ll do my best!” Dorian assured.

“Ha! I love this guy! I look forward to giving you the chance! I need to pop topside to grab them from my armory. Charlie, entertain our guests while I’m gone.”

“You’re not going anywhere!” Charlie shouted.

“Don’t take that tone with me, Chuck!” DeLeon rose and stepped forward. “I am the one in control of this situation, not you. Bringing me the breastplate is the only reason you are still part of this picture so you will do as I ask. Are we clear?”

Charlie nodded.

“The three of you will follow me to the grotto. To ensure everyone behaves, the girl will accompany me. You two will remain in the grotto and wait for our return.”