Twin Earth

Pulling my jacket collar up around my neck, we braced the bitter wind and hiked the last few metres up to the standing stones. I was surprised to see that Hayden wasn’t carrying anything that looked like a portable snake cake, not that I had a clue what to expect to see anyway. Him, and his small entourage of scientists only had a few rucksacks and cases with them.

“So where’s this machine?” I whispered to James, even though the wind was way too noisy for anyone to overhear.

“You’ll see,” James replied, smiling and running on ahead.

Sighing, I was beginning to regret my suggestion of coming up here. The sun had begun to rise and a glorious orange glow now illuminated the stones. It did feel quite magical, if it wasn’t for the biting wind and now a slight drizzle in the air, reminding me immediately of why I had never enjoyed growing up in Scotland.

I joined James and Hayden and his team up by the central stone circle and was greeted with a beaming Hayden who was keen to show me something concealed in a very large case.

“Is this it?” I asked in surprise. “It’s not exactly portable.”

”On the contrary Tom, this is at least a thousand times smaller than the machine out in Switzerland. It truly is a remarkable piece of kit.”

“So how do you use it?” I asked.

I waited as Hayden opened up the case and then proceed to overwhelm me with statistics and technological information about the snake cake. I tried to get my head around everything he was telling me, but the only thing I could think of was just how much things had changed in the twelve years I had been gone and how little I understood of what he was saying.

“And this part is where we collect the results,” Hayden finished, wiping down a small screen on the edge of the machine that had got wet in the damp air.

Bewildered, I remained quiet.

“It’s okay Tom. It’s fairly simple when you get the hang of it,” James added, slapping me on the shoulder and walking over to Yuki who had just arrived. Wondering if my father was close behind, I thanked Hayden and followed James over to the gate.

“Is my Dad here?” I asked, catching James and Yuki up, but before anyone could reply a taxi pulled up and I saw my father get out. Nervous about how he would react to seeing me, I paused and took a step back, but as soon as he saw me a huge smile overcame his face and my father immediately jogged over, hugging me with a tightness I had never felt before from him.

“Dad,” I whispered in surprise at the sudden emotional outburst.

“Yes, yes, I am sorry,” he replied, pulling away and looking me in the eyes, still smiling and holding onto my shoulders as if his life depended on it . “I just can’t believe it’s you,” he whispered with almost a tear in his eye. Then he hugged me again.

I looked at James who was smiling behind him and raised an eyebrow. Watching James shrug in amusement, I began to relax and eventually I gave in and finally hugged my father back.

Pulling away slowly, my father greeted Yuki and James and apologised for his behaviour. I could see my father had aged, but not as much as I had imagined. If anything he looked well, a little greyer with a few more wrinkles perhaps, but he’d lost some weight and even gained a slight tan.

‘I guess Hawaiian life has treated him well,’ I thought curiously.

“We’re just setting up the collider,” Yuki explained, waving away my father’s words and motioning us all to follow her up to the stones.

“Yes, of course,” my father beamed, pulling me along as if to keep me close. “I am so excited to hear about everything and about this experiment. Never in a million years could I imagine we’d all be stood here now, together, finally figuring all this dark matter stuff out.”

“Did you bring the spectroscopy?” Yuki asked.

“Absolutely.”

”Excellent, if I can get you to liaise with Hayden and his team I think we can get this all up and running within the next few minutes.”

“That quick?” I asked in surprise.

“Of course, even with this frustrating wind, we should be receiving results within the hour,” Yuki replied, motioning my father to join Hayden who was now inspecting the stones with a surprisingly basic magnifying glass.

“So we just stand back and see what happens?” I asked James as we were left alone. “I guess the reunion party will have to wait huh?”

“Tom, what’s bothering you? You’ve not been yourself since you’ve got back. What actually happened up there? I get all the drama, the alien stuff and well frankly science like we’ve never seen before, but this isn’t like you. I’ve never seen you so…”

”What?” I asked, frowning at being confronted suddenly.

“I don’t know… pessimistic.”

”Wasn’t I always?” I laughed sarcastically.

Frowning, James studied my face. “What aren’t you telling me? You’re glad to see your father right?”

”Yeah, of course I am. He looks amazing considering.”

”Then what is it? Is it Rachel?”

Sighing, I looked away. “I’m not hung up over some girl you know. It’s just, I’m tired. I’m tired from all this. Maybe we’re just wasting our time here. There’s nothing magical about this place. Yeah, these stones look cool and they’re old, I get that, but that’s all they are, old stones.”

”But it was you who suggested we come up here! You have to believe in these experiments and the data. It will happen.”

”What will happen though?”

”I don’t know, another message, another code in the data maybe,” James replied frantically.

“And then what?” I moaned, realising I was being deliberately miserable now. I was even starting to annoy myself.

“For fuck sake Tom,” James shouted in frustration, turning away with his hands on his hips.

”What? It’s my fucking fault she’s stuck up there James. She could be dead for all we know and all this…” I paused, “is just a complete waste of fucking time.”

”This isn’t her Tom,” James replied looking at me with a look I hadn’t seen before. Maybe I had pushed him too far. Maybe he had changed after-all. Maybe it was Yuki’s influence, I didn’t know, but he looked pissed.

“Who?” I asked annoyed.

”You know exactly who I mean. You need to let the past go Tom. You need to move on, god-dammit.”

Grunting in frustration I began to walk away.

“Where are you going?” James called to me.

“Let’s just get on with this okay,” I shouted back, waving my hand in the air to dismiss any more attention to my past. I knew I was avoiding the real cause of my angst. I did blame myself for Rachel not being here, just as much as I blamed myself for that astronaut dying and leaving a distraught husband behind.

‘Maybe I shouldn’t work in science any more,’ I thought, but I knew James was right. I had to deal with this feeling in my stomach. It was gnawing away at me, making me anxious and depressed. ‘If my father could learn to not shut himself away then why can’t I do the same?’ I thought. James was right, I had to have faith in the science even if I no longer understood any of it because that was all I had left. There was nothing more I could do.