The Woman in the Windowsill

~~~

In the middle of Camila’s town, she generated a a little park. There’s a slide, swings, and all other kinds of equipment that children love. It takes me a while to find it, but the town isn’t that big. I come from around the corner and I see Camila on a bench. Swinging on the swing is a child, she can’t be more than 8 or 9 years old.

I start at a quick walk. This graduates into a slow jog, and final becomes close to a sprint as I run towards them.

Camila turns around and sees me. “Brett?”

“Camila”. I’m almost to her, and I can see that she isn’t smiling.

“You left us”, she says. “What are you doing here?”

“I didn’t mean to. It’s a long story. I”m here now though. And I don’t want to leave. I want to be here.” I motion towards the child. “Is that her?”

Camila remains hesitant. My daughter still hasn’t noticed us yet. She’s facing away from us as she swings. Camila pulls me aside, being a fence to avoid us being seen.

“What are you doing?”, I ask.

Camila sighs. “I’m not sure about this.”

“About what?”

“I’ve thought long and hard about this Brett. I’m not sure if you should meet our daughter.”

“What the hell are you talking about? Of course I should.”

“No. You haven’t been here for us Brett. You haven’t. You left us again. You can hurt me all you want but I will not have you come in to our daughter’s life just so she can be hurt time and time again. It’s not fair to her.”

“Nothing is fair. Life isn’t fair Camila and I messed up. I mean look how she’s growing up, no other kids, here in this ghost town? How can you deny her a father?”

“It’s not bad. She has me. We are all we need. She’s seven years old Brett. There’s been no other influence on her life except for me. She doesn’t even know what a father is!”

“You’ve never told her about me?”

“She’s never asked”

I sigh. “Why not?”

“Because we aren’t a game Brett. You can’t just come in and out of our lives whenever you want. You left again, and I was hurt. I was hurt for a long time. But now I have her. I’m not alone anymore. We don’t need you Brett.” Camila begins to walk away back towards the park.

“I’m dying”, I tell her.

“What?”, she turns around.

“Yeah. My visiting here. It’s already cause irreparable damage. I’m sleeping in a hospital bed right now as we speak.”

She can’t seem to speak. “I had no idea.”

“I’ve been hospitalized for a month. I guess that came out to 8 or 9 years this time around. You know it jumps around all the time. And you know what? If I die from visiting you, that’s fine. Because I’m not alive unless I’m with you. I need you Camila.”

Camila puts her hand on her forehead. “Fine”, she gives in. “You can meet her. But you’re just a friend as far as she’s concerned. Deal?”

“If that’s what it takes.”

“It is. I don’t want her to get hurt Brett.”

“That’s life. People get hurt Camila.”

“Obviously this isn’t the same type of life you’re used to.” She leads me towards the swing set. Camila asks her to get down and tells her there’s an old friend she would like for her to meet.

“Ashley”, she says. “This is a friend of Mommy’s I would like you to meet. This is Brett.”

“Hi Ashley”, I say. Ashley is shy at first, and hides behind her mother’s legs. She even looks scared.

“She’s never met anyone before”, Camila smiles.

I tell Ashley not to be scared. I hold out my hand and she cautiously taps it.

“What’s your favorite color?”, I ask.

“Violet”, she replies. “What’s yours?”

“Blue”.

Camila smiles. She watches me get to know little Ashley. I take Ashley over to the swings and I push her. She laughs like her mother, and I enjoy every second of it. Ashley is a shade lighter than Camila but a shade darker than me. She has my curly hair, but aside from that she’s almost an exact replica of her mother. Camila disagrees, saying that she can see more of me instead.

By the time we are finished at the park, Ashley mimics everything I do. In a way, I’m her first friend. She and I play tag all the way home, and we even get her mother to join.

After a while, Ashley gets tired and her mother tucks her in to the bed in her room.

“She sleeps in your room with you?”, I ask.

“Yeah. She gets scared.”

“Scared of what? There’s nothing here except us.”

“She’s scared of being alone”.

“I’m starting to wonder if we made a mistake, bringing her into this world”, I say.

“Why do you think that? I’m here for her.”

“She’ll never experience the real world.”

“I’ve thought about it. But as long as she and I have each other, it’s all that matters. I love her with all my heart Brett.”

“And so do I.”

“I know I was harsh on not letting her know who you really are. But you have to understand.”

“It’s true”, I tell her. “You were right to be weary. I won’t live long, as I continue to come here to see you.”

Camila looks me in the eyes, and her eyes begin to glisten.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here. And I’ll keep coming here until it finishes me off. After that, who knows where I’ll go.”

“I don’t know why I ended up here. I don’t know if this type of thing happens to everyone. I don’t know if I was punished for something. Maybe my soul just got lost here. I don’t know the answers. I’m grateful for the blessing you gave me Brett. I would curse my life for eternity if you haven’t given me her. She and I will be able to live together for an eternity, as mother and daughter.”

“I wish I could be here with you”, I tell her. “If there was a way I could stay here with you instead. You know I would.”

“Are you sure?”, she asks.

“I’m sure”.

“You still have life ahead of you. Your time isn’t up yet. You can go back. You can live a normal life, have normal children, with someone. You can live life the way it was intended.”

“I did do that. I did that with you. I’m not alive in the real world. I simply exist. I’m alive when I’m here when I’m with you. I’m going to keep coming here to see you two until my brain gives out on me. That’s how I choose to live my life. I want to see Ashley grown up. I want to be her father as long as I can, while I can. We got robbed of having a family together once, now we have that shot. It’s not a long time, but it’s something.”

“Brett, I didn’t know that you coming here would hurt you in the real world. I didn’t.”

“You couldn’t have”.

“But I can make it to where you can stay here with us, forever.”

“You can? You knew how this whole time? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it’s not fair to you Brett! You should be able to live your life the way you want it, the way you should. You may think this is what you want, but you may be cheating yourself out of something better that could happen. Maybe this isn’t what is supposed to happen when you die. Maybe there’s something more in store for you, like a heaven. Or a paradise. Where there’s others. Or maybe you’ll just become one with the Earth again instead of living your life here for an eternity. It’s not a simple choice Brett. Your entire soul is at stake here.”

“This is what I want. I want to be with you. I love you. If you really can make this happen, then let’s do it.”

Camila sighs. “Brett I’ve always been selfish.”

“No you haven’t, you’re the most giving person I know. That’s why I love you.”

“You don’t understand. It wouldn’t be right for you to come back to me, to stay here forever.”

“We’ve been over this”.

“No, just stop. Just listen”. Tears are now coming down her cheeks. “If it’s what you want, that’s fine.”

“It is”.

“Just stop talking, for one second!”, she snaps. I’m a bit hurt by this, but I ignore the feelings and let her continue. “I don’t deserve this. I’ve used you Brett.”

“What, what do you mean?” I let out a nervous laugh to ease myself.

“I’ve always loved you. But not like you love me.”

I remain silent.

“When you came here. When you first came here, I wasn’t sure what to think. I loved you, but I never planned to be with you forever Brett. I never wanted that. When I was alive, I wanted to leave you. But then I got sick, and you were what I had.”

“You’re not serious?”, I tell her.

“Oh but I am. You came here, and I thought to myself, of anyone in my life, why did it have to be him. Why not my mother, why not my father, why not Jason?”

“Jason?”

“The father of our unborn child. Before I died. I knew in my heart it was his. Not yours. I knew it wasn’t yours but I didn’t have the heart to tell you. I didn’t want you to remember me as a cheating bitch.”

“I… I can’t believe this”, I crack. I can’t take it anymore. “You don’t mean this Camila, you don’t. I know you don’t. If this is just some way to stop me from making this decision it’s not going to work, I want to be here!”

The look in her eyes. Her beautiful big brown eyes. The eyes that I love. They say it all. She’s not commiting a mercy lie, this is the cold hard truth.

“When you first came here and I saw you in the living room. I saw the bracelet you had on. I knew it had something to do with this whole situation. I knew since I was a child that it would bring me happiness. Not you, not you Brett.” She stares at the bracelet on my wrist. “I knew I could get something out of it.”

“Please”, I beg. “Please don’t say anymore Camila, you’re breaking my heart”.

“You need to hear this Brett. It’s only fair. I will not trick you into spending an eternity with me in this void without you being properly informed.”

I stare at her. I’m beginning to feel the heat beneath my eyes as they water. The hot feeling of betrayal burns.

She continues. “I knew I could get a child out of this. I knew I could get a companion, someone to spend my eternity here with. And that’s Ashley. She’s my everything. She gives me purpose.”

I don’t know how to react. I feel used, I feel like a pawn.

“Now I want you to think about this Brett. I have fallen back in love with you. I do love you now. The time we’ve spent with each other, and the child you’ve given me make me want you here. Believe me, I do want you here. But I’ve taken so much from you. I’ve used you. Even before I died I’ve always used you. I won’t allow you to sacrifice everything for someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you.”

“How do you know I wasn’t the father of our first child? How could you know?” It’s all I can get out at this moment.

“I didn’t know for sure. I really didn’t. But I didn’t want you to be Brett. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my mortal life with you so how can I ask you to spend the rest of your immortal life with me?”

“Thank you”, I say. “Thank you. It means a lot that you would come clean before I decided for this. I had no idea.”

“I do love you now though”, she says.

“Oh do you”, I scoff. “Well that’s great. I fucked up my brain for you Camila!”, I scream at the top of my lungs. Upstairs I hear Ashley beginning to cry. “I want to wake up! I want out of here, I want to wake up get me the fuck out of here!”

I open my eyes. Jessica has just woken me up.

“You were having a bad dream”, she says.

I notice I’m sweating, and I’m breathing hard.

“Thank you Jessica”, I tell her.

“It’s what I’m here for”, she says. We go through the daily set of questions to assess my condition. Then she takes a seat next to me on my bed. “Maybe I can get a chess board here sometime. That way I can kick your ass at chess again.”

“That, that’d be nice”, I tell her. “I don’t think you’d beat me again, I went easy on you last time.”

“Also, the patient next door, Hugh Davis, he works as a sales associate for a company about fifteen minutes away from here. He really liked me being his nurse so I he said he’d get me back on a a new experimental vacuum his company is selling.”

“Sounds cool”, I tell her.

“Well I don’t see the need for one, I like mine just fine. So I asked him if he could help a friend get a job with him. He said the chances are looking good for someone with sales experience.”

“Really? You shouldn’t have. That helps me out so much, I wasn’t sure how I was going to afford my place anymore. Especially with all these medical bills.”

Jessica gives me a warm smile. “That’s what friends are for, aren’t they?”

I give her a smile back.

“One more bit of good news”, she says. “I pulled some strings, and I think they’re going to let you out tomorrow!”

“What? Really?”

“Yeah, with the exception that you have to come in for an appointment every week for the next month to monitor your brain activity.”

“That’s a fair deal.”, I say.

Jessica notices the bracelet around my wrist. She gets up off the foot of the bed. “I’ve got to go check on the other patients.”

I nod, and she exits the room. I continue to lay there and contemplate.