the ordeal of being known

Jess

After the game, Jess and Kione sat down after each of them showered.

“Is your girlfriend not texting you back?” Kione asked when he noticed Jess staring too long at his screen.

“My what?”

“Your girlfriend.”

“What?”

“Your girlfriend,” Kione huffed. He turned to look at his best friend, who had a smug smile on his face.

“My girlfriend.” He mouthed the words, then nodded, seemingly pleased.

Jess stared at his feet for a few seconds before saying. “I’m thinking of starting therapy again.”

“Oh?” Kione froze.

Jess was quiet for a while. He’d stopped going to therapy as soon as he became an adult. His parents couldn’t make him go at that point. He had gone to please them, because they were so worried and he didn’t know what to do.

He never really liked it. He started immediately it after the shooting, but it was still too raw for him. All he wanted to do was avoid thinking about it. He had mostly evaded talking about the things that mattered to him., When he turned eighteen, he stopped going altogether and had opted to push it back and occasionally have panic attacks about it or push it back until he was alone in bed with nothing to distract him. But at this point, he wanted to not have to ignore his mental health in order to feel some semblance of peace. He was tired of his thoughts and he wanted to be better for her. He wanted her to be the one thing occupying his head. Nothing else. She deserved to be taking up every corner of space in his mind.

“Is it just because of her? You have to go because you want to get better, not for anyone else.”

“It’s not just for her; it’s partly because of her, but that night when I had a panic attack before the game? Kione, I wouldn’t have asked for help if she hadn’t been there. It was a coincidence that she was there in time, but I wouldn’t have asked for help otherwise and It terrifies me to think about how deep I would have sunk that day. It was so suffocating. I have to do this for both of us, you know? I want to.”

Flights back to LA used to fly faster when Jess didn’t have anyone waiting for him. He missed her all the time now. Sometimes, he barely felt human and on most days, he felt like his heart string was too loose. Somehow, she had wrapped it around her finger. Every time she smiled at him, there was a tug, a flutter, and it reminded him how undeniably human he was.

When they landed, they had plans for the day. Layla and Jess were going to their first gathering as a couple. This was not the usual gathering with just friends. Jess’s coach and his husband were hosting to celebrate ten years of marriage and they had invited a good number of people from different teams along with the whole Lakers team. Of course, husbands and wives and some parents were there, including Jess’s parents and Kione’s.

Kione didn’t lie when he said Jess was all over the place. He spoke to everyone, proposed a toast and gave a small speech. He made sure she was always close to him, he held her hand for most of the time.

One of his teammates jokingly teased him about it.

“No one is going to steal her from you,” he’d said.

Jess didn’t seem convinced.

Layla to the audience: I didn’t hate every minute of it. Which is a good sign.

At some point, a woman came up to her and teased her about Jess being a little shy, which wasn’t usual for him.

“I think it’s adorable. It’s like he’s so flustered by you.”

She didn’t think people would look at it that way. She had thought of the worst-case scenario, but those people were actually pretty kind to her and, most importantly they really did care for Jess.

When she wasn’t with Jess, she stayed close to his father, who had found her when she was looking for the bathroom.

“Oh. I thought you wanted to hide. I wanted to go with you.”

Andrew was a little harder to get close to, unlike Anne, who welcomed her into her inner circle immediately, but Layla didn’t mind. They were bonding very slowly.

“Coach was saying you looked nervous. He hopes you’ll feel more comfortable around them.” He told her once they got to her apartment later. He was so ready to cuddle in bed.

“I’m sorry.”

“How come you always apologize like this? Like you’ve caused an inconvenience.”

“I just—”

“Because you’re not. You’re the woman I love. The woman I’ll marry someday, if you’ll have me. Reassuring you and loving you will never be an inconvenience.”

“Okay.”

“You’re my favorite walking pile of panic attacks.”

“That was unnecessary.”

“Even madly in love couples have to disagree sometimes.”

“Why do you keep talking about marriage?” She circled back, rolling her eyes when he smirked down at her.

“It’s best not to forget I know how wet you get when I do.”

“Oh, I really don’t like at all.” He kissed her. He knew the exact spot she liked.

“Is it okay if I’m not gentle tonight, baby?” he asked as she undressed him. “Please?”

She nodded. Later, when they were finished, he dozed off for a few hours. When he woke, he found the bed empty, which made him frown. There was no noise from the bathroom and he was too lazy to get up, so he texted her.

“Come to bed, sweetheart. I miss you.” When there was no answer, he huffed as he got up.

“Yes, I can’t wait! I’m really glad we got a spot in the class.” Layla was on the phone. “It’s a date.”

Jess bumped into her walking so fast to the kitchen.  “Who were you talking to?”

“Your mom,” she said, holding her phone for him.

“You guys are making plans together?” Jess asked her, smiling.

“Yes, we’re going to a pottery class.”

‘Oh, sign me up.”

“No. it’s a girl’s day.” Jess pouted. Layla smiled up at him, and he knew he wouldn’t argue with her any further. She knew it as well.

“You know, I don’t even believe in god, but sometimes when you smile at me like that, like you know what you’re doing I feel certain divinity does exist.” He paused. “That was a good line. Let me write it down.”

They started cleaning the apartment. Everyone else would be coming to have dinner later and Celia was out grocery shopping.

“So in regards to the pet name issue.”

“It’s not an issue.”

“You’re sure you hate all pet names? You don’t even want to give them a try?”

“I hate them all.”

To test the statement, Jess decided to throw a pet name her way once in a while to see how she reacts.

“Love” every morning when he has to leave, when he grabs her to cuddle with her for five more minutes, or when he knows he’s being annoying. 

“Sweetheart” most of the time, always to remind her that she’s the sweetest thing he’s ever tasted. 

“Layla” or “my Layla” always his Layla.

“Mrs. Reyes” when he’s so beaming with pride as he looks at her work.

“Darling” when he’s in pain, or when he’s drowning in pleasure from her touch, when his orgasm is close, and the way he says it makes her think maybe she doesn’t hate it all the time, maybe she had exceptions.

Jess turned on some music and pulled her into his arms. It wasn’t very loud. Salem was quietly observing them. That day, he had willingly cuddled with Jess, which was a huge step in their relationship.

“Thank you. For what you’re doing for my mom.”

Layla brushed it off, but she didn’t know how much it meant to him. Anne’s real friends could be counted on one hand, and the ones she was close with didn’t live in New York, where her job needed her the most. The first five-star hotel she ever owned was there. New York was the place she fell in love. She loved it too much to leave.

Layla had been making an effort to spend time with her, to visit often and make sure she took time to herself.

He felt so content. He never expected to feel peace so deeply in his chest. When he sank back into his fears, he had someone to pull him back up. When her thoughts overwhelmed her, he loved being able to calm her mind and soul. Everything he ever wanted was there in his arms with her head on his chest as she hummed along the song.

The ordeal of being known wasn’t so horrifying after all.