The Moral Dilemma (War of Sins Book 5)

NOELLE STARED at the tablet laying on her nightstand, her fingers itching to grab it and see what Raf was doing. After Lucero had chastised her, she’d realized that she was in the wrong. No matter how much she wanted to be by his side, she needed to find other, more legitimate ways to do it.

The clock struck midnight—by this time she would have already been with him, wrapped in his embrace.

“You didn’t go tonight.” Lucero snuck her head through her door, surprised to see her in her own bed for once.

Noelle shook her head, biting on her nails.

“It’s for the best, Noelle. Wait until you’re both out of here and you’ll be able to be a couple. Besides, you’ve already paid those mercenaries to break in at the end of the month. It’s not going to be that much longer.”

“You’re right,” she sighed.

Sergio was planning another banquet at the end of the month, and it was the perfect occasion when everyone would be busy with the preparations. The guards would also be mostly stationed around the hacienda.

The moment Noelle had heard of it, she’d known it was the perfect time for the three of them to make their escape. She would pretend to be the perfect host while the mercenaries infiltrated the hacienda and got Raf out. Lucero would meet him there and they would wait for her to slip away unnoticed. Once the party was in full swing, they would all take off, with the mercenaries serving as a shield in case they were attacked.

It wasn’t a foolproof plan, but considering the hacienda’s isolated location, Noelle doubted there was such a thing as a perfect plan. They were at the mercy of the terrain and the hundreds of people Sergio could mobilize with one word.

It was the reason why she’d been so careful choosing the right time. So many moments in the past she’d been tempted to just open Raf’s cell and run away together. Yet for all the romanticism of it, she was well aware it was foolish to think they’d simply get away—that Sergio would let her go just like that. And if they were caught…

Noelle gulped down as that thought arose.

She knew exactly what Sergio would do. He’d kill Raf in front of her, making her watch every single moment of it. It was the best revenge he could ever muster.

But beyond the perfect timing, there were other issues to consider as well, the most salient being Raf’s addiction. From the moment she’d found out he’d been put on that goddamn drug, she’d started slowly stealing some and creating her own stash to take with them when they left.

According to what she’d learned, the only way for him to get rid of the addiction was to be weaned off the drug slowly. Anything too sudden would shock his system and he could die—so many had died just like that before him.

She wouldn’t take any risks with him, and though she’d memorized the recipe already, she doubted she would be able to get all the ingredients in time.

As much as she wished they could leave right away, she needed to put his well being first. And that meant being methodical about each step.

“Here.” Lucero stepped inside, bringing with her a tray full of treats. “I made you tea and I brought you some cookies. Maybe this will take your mind off of it.”

“You’re very nice to me for someone who pointed out just how selfish I’ve been.” Noelle smiled uneasily.

“Isn’t that what friends are for? I can’t just stand by and watch you ruin yourself, Noelle,” Lucero said as she put the tray on her nightstand.

“Thank you,” Noelle murmured.

Lucero merely gave her a smile, whispering good night as she laid a kiss on her forehead. Then she went back to her own room.

Noelle took a bite of one cookie and a sip of tea, but her attention inadvertently went back to the tablet. Surely if she didn’t go to him she could at least watch him.

She scrambled off her bed, snatching the tablet and powering it on. The entire day she’d done her best to avoid looking at it, but it seemed there was no more avoiding—not when the anxiety was killing her.

With a few touches, she accessed the video feed from the facility. Nibbling at her lips, she finally clicked on the video from Raf’s room.

A gasp escaped her at what she saw, the tablet almost falling from her grasp.

“What…”

His bed was trashed, the frame completely destroyed. There was debris everywhere in the room. And then there he was…

He was sitting in a corner, on his knees, hitting his head against the wall, blood pouring from self-inflicted wounds. Yet that wasn’t the worst thing. On the wall, in blood, he’d spelled her name.

Her stomach was in knots as she turned on the volume of the feed.

“Noelle… Noelle… Noelle…” she could hear him chant, his voice as desolate as the sight of the room. “Where are you?” he shouted, right before he banged his head against the wall again. “WHERE ARE YOU?”

Noelle couldn’t bear it any longer. Shutting the tablet off, she slipped from the bed, putting on her shoes. She didn’t even bother to change from her nightgown as she dashed out of her room.

“Noelle?” Lucero’s voice stopped her just as she was about to exit her apartment.

“He needs me,” she whispered, turning towards her friend. “He needs me, Lulu and he’s hurting because of it.”

She didn’t say anything more—she didn’t need to. Lucero saw the agony in her features and gave her a slow nod. It was all Noelle needed to proceed, hurrying out.

She ran towards the facility with as much speed as her short legs could muster. The guards looked at her funnily, but they didn’t comment as they let her inside. She didn’t even stop by her office, going straight to his room.

She fumbled with the key before opening the door and entering.

Just like she’d seen in the video, he was still on the floor, bloody and screaming her name at the top of his lungs.

“Raf?” she uttered his name tentatively, her heart clenching in her chest at the sight of him. God, she’d done that. She’d deprived him of her presence and now he was suffering because of it.

“Noelle?” He turned, his voice groggy, his eyes bloodshot. There was blood streaked through his blond hair, some of it coursing down his face. His arms, too, were both bloody, and she could make out the faint trace left behind by nails. In the absence of anything to hurt himself with, he’d resorted to his own hands, tearing at his skin.

It broke her heart.

It. Broke. Her. Heart.

She barely took a step inside the room before he was on her, grabbing her and hugging her to his chest.

“You’re here. You’re here. You’re fucking here,” he uttered in a crazed voice as he tightened his hold on her.

“I’m here,” she whispered, unable to find another response. What could she even say? That she’d decided to stop coming because she felt guilty about taking advantage of him? But how could she even call it that when she could see he wanted her—no, he needed her. “I’m sorry. I’m here,” she repeated, stroking his cheeks.

Tears glistened in her eyes as she regarded the damage he’d done to himself, and she physically hurt for him and with him.

“Thank God.” He released a deep breath. “I thought… I thought you were just a figment of my imagination,” he said, stunning her with his confession. “That I’d dreamed you up; that you weren’t real. But you are. So real,” he murmured huskily as his hands skimmed down her body. “So real and mine, aren’t you?”

He didn’t seem concerned with the blood leaking from his various wounds. He was looking at her as if she was the sole reason for his existence.

“Yes,” Noelle answered breathlessly.

Before she knew what was happening, his hands were pulling at her gown—with so much strength the material snapped. He simply tore the dress off of her in his attempt to get her naked, his eyes reverently watching her.

“So beautiful. So fucking beautiful. The most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” he whispered as he dropped to his knees in front of her.

Noelle was stunned by his actions, but she didn’t refuse or rebuke him. She simply let him do whatever he wanted to her—whatever his instincts told him to.

Rubbing his forehead against her stomach, he smeared the blood from his wounds all over her body.

“You’re mine,” he rasped. “You’re fucking mine and no one else’s.”

“You know I am, Raf. I’ll never not be yours,” she told him, love shining in her voice.

God, but how she loved this man. So much so her reason fled from her altogether, with all her guilt and what little morality she had left. She only knew she needed this moment as much as he did—maybe more.

His lips were on her skin as he trailed open-mouthed kisses down her body until he reached the seam of her sex. Nuzzling his face between her legs, he inhaled her deeply.

Noelle’s fingers were in his hair as she urged him on. She’d let him have this moment and then she’d care for his injuries. Yes, that sounded like a plan, especially to her desire-fogged mind. She’d thought him insane for a moment, but she’d been the crazy one all along.

At least he had the excuse of the drug, but what reason did she have? None, save for this madness that had festered in her blood for so long—this insanity that threatened to destroy her if her longing wasn’t appeased. And there was only one cure for it.

Him. Always him.

Raf. Her Raf. Past, present, and future. The only man she’d ever want; the only one she’d ever love.

“You smell so good,” he murmured lovingly as he laid a kiss at the top of her pubic bone. “But something’s missing.”

Noelle frowned, her hands stilling in his hair.

“W-what?”

“Me. In you. Filling you. Marking you. You’re missing me, pretty girl.”

Noelle flushed a deep red at his words, butterflies dancing in her belly.

“Then what are you waiting for?”

The words were barely out of her mouth when he flipped her on her back, careful not to hurt her as he laid her onto the floor. He kicked at his pants, his erection springing free as he loomed over her.

“Such a pretty sight you make under me,” he said huskily as he swiped the head of his cock between her folds, stroking her lightly.

She squirmed against the sudden assault, but not because she wanted to get away—on the contrary, she wanted to be closer to him.

“My pretty girl. My light. Mi luz,” he said right as he pushed himself inside her to the hilt.

The thrust took her breath away as she struggled to accommodate to his size. She was wet—she was always wet for him—but it still burned a little as he advanced and retreated.

His fingers dug into her hips as he brought her closer to him, pumping his hips in and out of her.

“Raf,” Noelle moaned low in her throat, enjoying the pure feeling of being with him like this—of being one.

He fucked her like a madman; like a man starved and she was the only one who could provide nourishment. He simply fucked her as if there was no tomorrow, nothing but the moment at hand when they were one with each other.

She wrapped her legs around him, bringing her hands to his chest and splaying her palms over his pecs.

“My love,” he rasped. “My treasure. My fucking everything.”

“Yes,” she whimpered, the force of his thrusts making her see stars. “Fuck me. Wreck me. Do anything you want to me, Raf. I’m yours,” she paused to draw a breath, “only ever yours.”

He made a striking image on top of her, all savage and bloody and simply perfect. His features were tense, his eyes intently feasted upon her as he continued to assault her senses.

Each thrust was more powerful than the last, and as he flicked his thumb over her clit, she lost herself to pleasure just as he emptied himself into her.

“Perfect,” he murmured, sweat dripping down his torso. “Now you’re absolutely perfect with me in you.”

Pulling out just a little, he watched reverently as his cum gushed out of her. He brushed the head of his cock up and down against the seam of her sex, smearing his release everywhere before pushing it back inside her.

“Fuck,” he cursed, his gaze arrested to the place they were joined. “I can’t bear not being inside of you, Noelle. It’s like being stripped away from home—from the warmest place I’ve ever known.”

His words touched her heart, and as she palmed his cheek, she gave him a dazzling smile.

“You’ll never have to be without me again, Raf. That I promise you. Soon, we’ll be away from this place, together. No one will be able to separate us again.”

He didn’t reply to her, simply lowering himself atop of her and nuzzling his face in the crook of her neck.

“Home. You’re my home,” he whispered.

He was still hard when he pulled out of her, and Noelle knew he would have gladly taken her again if not for the pressing fact that she had to treat his injuries. It took her a few minutes to convince him to let her go, to allay his fears that she wouldn’t be gone forever.

Yet even as she wrapped herself in what was left of her nightgown and headed for the door, he still watched her with a melancholic expression on his face—one that told her he was scared to death she wouldn’t come back.

Noelle quickly made her way to her office, taking a change of clothes with her, a first aid kit and a blanket. Since he’d destroyed his bed, she didn’t want him to sleep on the cold floor. She didn’t tarry longer than she had to because she was afraid Raf would act out again.

“Raf?” she called out his name as she entered the room again. He was sitting by himself in a corner, and the pure desolation in his features broke her heart. As soon as he saw her, though, his face lit up, a smile pulling at his lips.

“You’re back,” he blurted out.

“Of course. I promised I would,” she said softly.

Laying the blanket on the floor, she beckoned him to her. He was like a wounded animal whose trust had been broken one too many times. But as he looked at her with so much love and adoration, she realized how precious it was that he’d given her that trust.

“God, please don’t let me screw this up”, she whispered to herself. Lucero’s words rang in her ears and the fact that she was taking advantage of him. Maybe he didn’t think so in the moment, but that didn’t take away from the fact that she should have never come to him in the first place—at least not like this.

He took a seat by her side, letting her clean his injuries. She did her best to tend to them, applying healing ointment and bandaging the more serious ones. When she was done, they both lay on their sides, Raf’s arms wound tightly around her.

“You’re tired,” Noelle noted as his eyes kept fluttering closed.

“No. I’m not.” He shook his head, clearly fighting with himself to stay awake.

“You need to rest, Raf.”

“No. Because when I wake up, you’ll be gone. I can’t let you go,” he said emphatically. “I refuse to let you go.”

“You know I’ll be back. I’ll always come for you, my strong, strong man,” she whispered as she peppered kisses across his jaw. “Please get some rest. You must have worn yourself out with all of this destruction.”

“No,” he repeated. “I can’t close my eyes—I won’t.”

Noelle pursed her lips, realizing she wasn’t likely to get him to listen to her.

“Raf, you need to be strong for me. The only way we can make it out of here together is if you’re strong and healthy.”

“I know,” he sighed. “But I can’t risk losing more time with you. God, Noelle, you have no idea what you are to me—what you mean to me.”

Lifting her leg and settling it on top of his thigh, he moved closer to her, rubbing his hard shaft between her legs before slowly pushing into her. He didn’t make to move, or fuck her. He just kept her glued to him, his entire length buried inside of her.

“I want to stay like this forever. Just the two of us.” He brushed the hair off her face, his thumb lightly caressing her lips. “You’re my other half,” he whispered.

“Ah, Raf,” Noelle’s throat clogged up with emotion as she scooted closer to him, allowing him to slip deeper inside of her. “Your words warm my heart like nothing else.”

“That’s what I want to do for the rest of my life, pretty girl. Warm up every single part of you. Hold you close to me and protect you from all the dangers in the world. But I can’t… I’m locked in this fucking prison and I can’t do anything and God… You have no idea what that does to me or how much it hurts.”

Tears stabbed at her eyes as she regarded his beautiful face, made even more beautiful by the love and worry she saw in his features.

“I want that. I want that so much.” She smiled. “But for now it’s my job to protect you, and I swear to you, I’ll do everything in my power to make sure we both get out of here. Alive. And once we’re out…”

“Promise me you’ll be mine. That you’ll marry me and be mine forever. I don’t care that you already have a husband. I’ll fucking kill him myself and make you a widow just so I can have you all to myself. So you’ll carry my name and have my children—our children.”

“That’s a promise I can easily make,” she laughed softly. “I may be married but you know it’s in name only. I’ve never even seen myself as married to anyone but you. In my heart. You’re the only one I recognize as mine, Raf—my heart, my husband, my everything,” she declared effusively.

“Tell me more about this life we’ll have,” his voice dropped a notch as he let out a yawn. His lids were so heavy he could barely stay awake.

So Noelle told him everything she envisioned for them in the future. How they would move somewhere remote, away from the entire world—a place in which it would only be the two of them. They would have a simple life, but full of love.

She described mundane activities that ended with a tight embrace and precious lovemaking. She told him everything she’d been dreaming about since she was fifteen. And as he slowly went to sleep, she continued to cradle his head to her chest, holding onto him tightly as silent tears made their way down her cheeks.

By God, she would make that future a reality. She’d fought too hard for their happiness to settle for anything less than that.

She stayed with him until the early hours of the morning, still holding him in her arms, just as she held him inside of her, feeling him to her very soul.

But then it was time to leave, and though she’d promised herself she would stop coming, she knew it was a promise she couldn’t keep.

He needed her, and she needed him.

But that didn’t mean that Lucero’s words didn’t weigh heavily on her mind.

Before she left the facility, she put in an order for his room to be refurnished as well as have a doctor look at his injuries again. Though she knew that might flag something for Sergio, she couldn’t sit by and do nothing—not when his well being was at stake.

After she got home, she took a shower and slept a little. Yet all too soon she had to wake up and start her day anew. Despite focusing all her attention on Raf, there were still things she needed to do to keep up the pretense that she was working at the facility.

Lucero hadn’t commented more on the situation, but Noelle noticed it wasn’t for lack of want—she was simply as stumped by the unusual situation as Noelle was. But she’d said her piece, and she was aware that nothing more she could say would have an effect on Noelle.