The Lightning Fart: A Parody of The Lightning Thief (Percy Jackson & the Olympians, Book 1)

That afternoon, Chiron moved me to Cabin 13.

I’d originally been told there were only 12 cabins. But it turned out there was a secret cabin hidden way at the end of camp which belonged to Pooseidon.

“Why is Pooseidon’s cabin so far away?” I asked Chiron as we made the long trek to the cabin. “And why have I never even heard of the guy?”

“Trust me, when you smell the cabin you’ll understand why it’s so far away,” Chiron said. “As for why nobody talks about Pooseidon…it’s a bit of a touchy subject. Your father’s been angry about it for centuries.”

“Why? What happened?” I said.

“Thousands of years ago, at one of the first Councils of Olympus where all the gods meet and make policy, the gods decided that humans would not be allowed to know about Pooseidon.”

“Wait, I’m confused,” I said. “The gods get to decide which gods humans know about?”

“Of course!” said Chiron. “All the stories humans tell about the gods are divinely inspired. How else do you think humans come up with those stories? Do you think they just make them up?”

“Well, yeah.”

Thunder rumbled.

“Blah blah blah,” I shouted at the sky, then turned back to Chiron. “So anyway, why did the Council not want humans to know about Pooseidon?”

“The gods felt that Pooseidon was a much less impressive figure than the other gods. Rather than inspiring fear and respect, he’d inspire scorn and derision, and undermine the gods’ authority. So the council voted 12 to 1 to prohibit humans knowing about him—the 1, of course, being Pooseidon.”

“I can see why Pooseidon would be angry,” I said.

“He’s been mad about it ever since,” said Chiron. “And lately he’s been more angry than ever. But that’s a story for another day. By the way, you might want to put your gas mask on, because we’ve reached Cabin 13.”

I looked and saw a cabin in the middle of the woods. Something about this cabin seemed different from the others, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Finally, I realized what it was. It wasn’t the cabin that looked different, it was the trees surrounding it.

Instead of normal trees, Cabin 13 was surrounded by giant versions of those tree air fresheners that you see in cars. An entire forest of them.

“Whoa,” I said. “Why do we still need gas masks with all those air freshener trees?”

But then the smell of Cabin 13 hit us, and I had my answer.

Chiron gagged and quickly put on his gas mask. But oddly, the smell didn’t bother me. I actually liked the smell of Cabin 13…because it smelled like home.

“If it’s okay with you, Percy, I’m gonna let you give yourself the tour,” said Chiron. “There are clean sheets and towels in the closet. Enjoy your new home!” He galloped off gagging, and I went inside.

The inside of the cabin looked pretty much like the Hermes cabin, except without the teeming mass of campers. I was excited to finally have some peace and quiet, and I sat down on a recliner, kicked my feet up, and grabbed a newspaper from the table nearby. My excitement was deflated, however, when I read the article on the front page:

 “THE BULL DUDE” AND TWO OTHERS MISSING AFTER CAR ACCIDENT

Local residents are distraught after Frank Minotarski, known affectionately as “The Bull Dude,” went missing after a car accident on Tuesday. Minotarski is a local fixture known for wearing a highly realistic bull mask, and is frequently seen cheering on the Chicago Bulls at local sports bars. On Tuesday night Minotarski was walking home from a children’s party where he was working as a one-man petting zoo, when a car spun off the road near where he was walking. Minotarski has not been seen since. Authorities urge anyone who sees a man with the head of a bull to contact them immediately.

Also missing are the occupants of the car, Sally Stinkson and her 12-year-old son, Percy. Sally’s husband Gabe Uglyano says there will be a funeral service for his Camaro at Ross Brothers Funeral Home on Friday at 3pm. In lieu of flowers, Uglyano asks that mourners send him 7-layer bean dip.

I felt a twinge of sadness reading about my mom. I needed to figure out what exactly happened to her, and if there was any way to get her back. But first, and more urgently, I needed to get the mud out of my pants.

The following morning I was woken up early by a knock at the door. It was Grover, with a message that Mr. D wanted to see me. Mr. D wanted to meet in the morning because he had to leave camp and go somewhere in the afternoon, but I wasn’t in any rush. I’d recently realized that since Mr. D’s father was Zeus, and Zeus and Pooseidon were brothers, that made me and Mr. D cousins. So I slept late and showed up at 12:30. After all, what was Mr. D gonna do to me? I was family!

When I got to the porch of the farmhouse, Mr. D was eating lunch with Chiron, and when he saw me he looked at his watch angrily.

“What up, cuz?” I said.

“Percy, I may be your cousin, but I’m still your Camp Director,” said Mr. D.

“Uh huh,” I said, grabbing half his sandwich from his plate and taking a bite. “Where you headed today, anything fun?”

“Uh…I’m going to the beach,” he said.

“Wine Lovers Anonymous meeting, got it,” I said.

“Percy, I wanted to meet with you today because we have a very important job for you,” said Mr. D. “But since someone couldn’t get up before noon, I can’t stay to tell you about it. So Chiron will explain it in my absence. Have a lovely afternoon.” Mr. D picked up one of the pinochle cards and waved his hand over it, and the card transformed into a “Hello, my name is” nametag with “Mr. D” written on it. Then he snapped his fingers and vanished.

“So what’s this ‘job’ he was talking about?” I asked Chiron. I didn’t like the sound of anything with the word “job” in it.

“Percy, I know this is a lot to throw at you, especially since you just got here,” said Chiron, “but the fate of the universe might be in your hands.”

“Sure whatever,” I said. “Can you just tell me what the job is?”

“Well your quest, if you choose to take it—”

“Quest?” I said. “As in, outside of camp? I’m in.”

“But I haven’t even told you what the quest is yet.”

“Doesn’t matter,” I said. “I’ll take it. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna go pack. Meet you at the gate in 15?”

“I like your enthusiasm, Percy,” said Chiron. “But please, let me first outline exactly what the quest involves. I think it might be more dangerous than you’re anticipating.”

“I’m all ears,” I said, secretly pulling out my phone and beginning a game of video poker.

“Recently Zeus and your father Pooseidon have gotten in a big fight, because something of Zeus’s has gone missing,”

“Uh huh,” I said. Two aces and two tens, not bad,

“Or should I say, something of Zeus’s has been stolen.”

Hmmmm, do I stick with two pair or try for three of a kind? Then I noticed Chiron had stopped talking and was staring at me.

“Are you even listening?” he said.

“Sure,” I said. “Zeus is mad at Pooseidon because something got stolen.”

“And guess who Zeus thinks stole it?” he said.

“Pooseidon?”

“Nope,” he said. “But someone verrrrry close to Pooseidon.”

“Hey, don’t look at me,” I said. “I’ve never stolen anything.”

Chiron raised an eyebrow.

“Okay fine, one time I downloaded a song illegally, but it was for my grandma.”

Chiron raised the other eyebrow.

“Okay fine, I’ve illegally downloaded a few songs.”

Chiron raised his eyebrows even more.

“Okay fine, I’ve illegally downloaded every song and TV show and movie I’ve watched or listened to for the last five years.”

Chiron nodded.

“But I didn’t steal anything from Zeus,” I said.

“I don’t think you did,” said Chiron. “But Zeus does.”

“So what got stolen, anyway? His magic wand or whatever?”

“His iPhone,” said Chiron.

“His iPhone? Why would he think I’d steal that?”

“Zeus thinks Pooseidon had you do it to get back at him,” said Chiron. “Zeus is the one who originally proposed that humans be prohibited from knowing about Pooseidon, and Pooseidon has never forgiven him for it.”

“Fine, so Zeus thinks Pooseidon had me steal his iPhone. What’s the big deal? Why does that pose a threat to the universe?”

 “Zeus has given Pooseidon until the summer solstice, which is next week, to give the phone back,” said Chiron. “If Zeus doesn’t get his phone back by then, there’s gonna be a war. And believe me, war between the gods is not something you want to happen.”

“But why does Zeus wanna start a war over an iPhone? Just go buy another one, no big whoop.”

“All of Zeus’s contacts are on that phone,” said Chiron, “as well as all of his photos, his apps, and his app settings.”

“He didn’t back them up? What a moron.”

Thunder roared.

“Yeah that’s right, I said it,” I said. “So Zeus is gonna start a war unless he gets his iPhone back. What am I supposed to do about it?”

“Your quest is to find Zeus’s iPhone before the summer solstice and return it to him.”

 I had to admit, it was a neat story, even if it was completely made up. “I’ll find that phone, I promise,” I said. “OK, time to pack. See you at the gate in 15!”

“Hold on, Percy, there’s one more important piece of information,” said Chiron. “We think the iPhone is in the Underworld with Hades.”

I heard a gasp, and saw Grover, who’d been cleaning lunch plates off the table, trembling with fear. “H-H-Hades?” he said.

“Yes,” said Chiron. “We believe Hades stole the iPhone to start a war between Zeus and Pooseidon.”

I struggled to keep myself from nodding off. This had now gotten worse than a biology lecture.

“Why does Hades want a war?” said Grover.

“Think about it,” said Chiron. “What happens when there’s a war among the gods? Death and destruction on Earth. And where do all the dead humans go?”

“To Hades in the Underworld,” said Grover. “So war among the Gods means more subjects and more power for Hades.”

I literally had to pinch myself to keep myself awake.

“So Percy, are you willing to go to the Underworld and get the iPhone back from Hades?” Chiron asked.

“I’m down,” I said. “But I’ll only go on one condition: that I’m allowed to bring someone with me, someone who’ll protect me and ensure the quest is successful.”

Grover smiled.

“Fine, who would you like to take?” said Chiron.

“Annabeth,” I said.

Grover’s smile disappeared.

Taking Annabeth on my quest was the perfect plan, because my quest wasn’t for an iPhone. My quest was to date Annabeth. And taking a road trip with her would give me the alone time I needed to seal the deal.

“I’m thinking it might better if you brought Grover,” said Chiron. Grover nodded furiously in agreement. “Perhaps you could bring both him and Annabeth?”

I tried to give Chiron a subtle hint by faking a sneeze and shouting “Thirdwheel!”, but he didn’t get it.

“It’s settled, then,” said Chiron. “Annabeth and Grover will both accompany you.”

“Fine,” I said. I was sure I could find a way to ditch a goat. “Now can I go pack?”

“Hang on, you don’t even know how to get to the Underworld yet,” said Chiron.

“I think I can figure it out,” I said. “Just go down, right?”

“You can’t just go down from anywhere,” said Chiron. “You need to go down from a particular place. And that place is Los Angeles.”

A free trip to LA? This plan just got even better! Once I got Annabeth on a romantic walk on the beach under a full moon and palm trees, the rest would be a piece of cake.

“Los Angeles it is, then,” I said. “Although to be rested for my quest, I’ll need to fly first class, of course. And note: business class is not first class.”

“Unfortunately there’s no flying allowed on this quest,” said Chiron. “Have you forgotten that Zeus is the God of the Sky? You don’t want to try taking a plane when he’s mad at you.”

“Don’t worry about Zeus,” I said. “It’ll be perfectly safe to fly, because I’m friends with Schmeus, God of Airplanes.”

“Schmeus?” said Chiron dubiously.

“Yeah, Schmeus! Watch this: Hey Schmeus, help me transform this can of Diet Coke.”

I picked up the can of Diet Coke Mr. D had been drinking and put my hand over the word Diet. “Omigod, it’s now Coke!” I said. “See? Schmeus has incredible powers.”

“Sorry Percy, but we’ve already bought a bus ticket for you,” said Chiron.

“The bus?” I said. For the first time, I wondered if I’d be able to survive the quest. “Have you seen who actually rides the bus? Trust me, it’s a lot scarier than the minotaur.”

“A quest requires courage,” said Chiron. “So, do you accept your quest?”

I thought about saying no…but then I thought about how Annabeth looked the other day wearing short shorts. “I accept!” I said, and ran to pack.