The Last Letter

Letter #22

Chaos,

Ryan is dead. But I’m sure you already know that. I honestly feel like I’m just writing it out so it feels real.

Ryan is dead.

Ryan is dead.

Ryan…

Nothing about it feels right. His body is still in Dover, being prepared for burial, and they’ve already told me that I can’t see him. In that way, I’m hoping it’s all a cruel joke, that he’s not really in a box. That I don’t have to figure out where to bury my brother.

My mom. My dad. My grandmother. Ryan. They’re all gone, and yet I’m still here. Is Maisie next? Is this what life really is? One tragedy after another? Or is this simply the way my life is going?

Colt and Maisie are devastated. Colt refused to speak yesterday after I told him, and Maisie hasn’t stopped crying. I, on the other hand, haven’t started crying. Not yet. I’m terrified that once I start, I won’t ever stop. I’ll just be this saltwater fountain who leaks misery.

Ryan was my best friend. My safe harbor in a storm. And now I feel like I’m out on this endless ocean in the middle of a hurricane, and the waves are just waiting to capsize me and take me under.

I know this sounds crazy, but the only person I want right now is you. You’re the only person I’ve been completely honest with these last few months. You’re the only person who might understand the debilitating, soul-crushing grief that I can’t even begin to fathom. Because I know, as much as you swear you don’t know what family is, Ryan was your brother. He was your family.

I’m just hoping you come for his funeral, because I know he would have wanted you here. I know I do. And if you can’t come, then I hope you’re not changing your plans. Please come to Telluride. Even if it’s just to get a cup of coffee with me. Please come.

~ Ella

…

I read the letter for the hundredth time or so, and then put it back into my nightstand drawer. I’d avoided that letter, and the two that had followed, for the last sixteen months, and now it was all I wanted to read—to hear her voice in my head.

If I’d read it when she’d sent it, instead of hiding it away, I would have come. I never could have denied her, and everything would have been different. Then again, Ryan would still be dead because of me, so maybe not.

I came down the stairs of my new house to find Havoc napping in the sun that came through the floor-to-second-story windows in my great room. I’d had a section of the trees cleared so I could see the island that perched in the middle of the tiny lake. Luckily, with the angle my house was at, I couldn’t see Ella’s house.

Maybe I was torturing myself keeping Ryan’s grave in sight, but knowing Ella was this close and so damn far was way worse. It had been over a month since she’d walked out of my cabin. My things had arrived that afternoon. My entire role in Ella’s life came down to four moving boxes.

As breakups went, I’d expected screaming, shrieking, throwing things at me for what I’d done, but her stoic silence was worse. She’d accepted that we were done, and now I had to move on without her and the kids.

God, I missed the kids. Falling for Ella had tied me to them in a way that was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing for all they taught me, for the love I hadn’t realized I’d even been able to feel. A curse because Ella cut off all my access, as was her right. She didn’t trust me, and that extended to the kids. Her heart was broken over me, but my heart was shattered over the loss of all three of them.

I sighed at the sight of my empty living room. I really needed to buy some furniture. I had the bedroom covered, and most of the kitchen stuff was being delivered daily, thanks to Amazon.com. But the rest of the furniture just didn’t seem important, because this was my house but for some reason didn’t feel like my home.

My phone rang as I opened the fridge to figure out some lunch.

“Gentry,” I answered, wondering who had gotten themselves lost this time. As spring came to the area, more hikers were showing up and getting altitude sickness, or lost, or breaking their bones in inconvenient locations.

“Mr. Gentry? I’m so sorry to bother you. This is Principal Halsen over here at the elementary school. I happen to have Colton in the office.”

My stomach lurched. “Is he okay? Is he hurt?” Why were they calling me?

“No, no. Nothing like that. He actually got into an altercation today with a classmate and needs to go home.”

“A fight?” No way. Not Colt. Sure, the kid got fired up, but I’d never seen him get violent unless it was over Maisie.

“Yep, a fight.”

“Whoa. Did you call his mom?”

“We tried, but she’s not answering, and Colt told us that she’s in Montrose for one of Margaret’s therapies. I was hoping you might be able to come pick him up.”

I pulled the phone away from my ear and checked the number, just to make sure I wasn’t being pranked. “Pick him up?” I asked slowly.

“Yes. Policy demands that he go home for the day, and you’re the second name on his emergency contact sheet.”

Shit. Ella hadn’t updated the kids’ information yet. Which meant I might get to see Colt. I slammed the door on my excitement. Ella didn’t want me to see him, and I had no right to. “Is anyone else on the list?”

“Only Ada and Larry, and from what I’m being told, they’re on vacation in Glenwood Springs for a few days.”

Which left me.

“Yeah, I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

He thanked me, and we hung up.

I hesitated for a second, my finger hovering over Ella’s name on my contacts list, but I manned up and clicked the phone icon. It went straight to voicemail, not that I was surprised. I’d tried to call a few times that first week and had the same result. Ella was done with me. She’d told me that lies were her hard limit, and she meant it.

“Hey, Ella, it’s Beckett. Look, the school just called, and I guess Colt got into a fight and needs to be picked up. I’m the only one on his list, so I’m going to grab him. Let me know if you want me to drop him at the main house at Solitude or bring him up to Montrose. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll just bring him back to my house. I know you don’t want me to see him, but this is a little out of my control, so I’m hoping you’ll understand. Thanks.” I hung up and rested the phone against my forehead. Even hearing the message on her voicemail was torture.

I left Havoc sleeping in the sunshine and headed out, driving along the dirt road that cut through the property. Within twenty minutes, I pulled up to the school. With all the butterflies in my stomach, I would have thought I was the one about to get it from the principal. Instead, I was about to get it from Colt.

I walked through the doors and signed the clipboard, then looked up at the receptionist. “Hi, I’m Beckett Gentry, I’m here to pick up—”

“Colton MacKenzie,” the young woman said with a smile. “I know who you are. We all do.” She nodded toward a few other women who gathered around the desk behind her.

“Ah, okay. So, can I get him?”

“Oh, sure! I’ll buzz you in.”

The buzzer sounded, and I walked into the school. The last time I’d been here had been with Ella for Colt’s first grade play a couple of months ago. As recent as it felt, it also seemed like someone else’s memory.

“This way,” the receptionist said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and giving me a flirtatious smile. “I’m Jennifer, in case you don’t remember.”

“Jennifer, right. We met last year, right?” She led me into the administration offices.

“Yep! When you came in for search and rescue with your dog. I may have slipped you my number when you signed in.”

“Yes, I do remember that.” I tried to force a smile. Ella and I hadn’t been together then, but it hadn’t mattered, and I hadn’t called Jennifer. “I’m sorry for not calling. I hope there are no hard feelings.”

Jennifer touched my arm just outside the principal’s door. “None. I was so sorry to hear that you and Ella broke up. If you ever need anything, or just want to talk, I’m happy to give you my number again, just in case.”

Oh boy. She looked so hopeful, and uncomplicated, and not Ella.

“Thanks, I’ll…keep that in mind.” It was the best I could do without offending her.

“You do that.” She smiled again. A lot of smiling. I bet she was happy most of the time. That she wasn’t fighting to keep her kid alive, or dealing with the death of her brother and the betrayal of the man she loved. She was all shiny, like a new penny.

But in the last eighteen months, I’d learned that I liked a little bit of tarnish. It gave depth to the lines and made the shiny parts all the more eye-catching. Ella was beyond beautiful for what she’d been through. Tragedy hadn’t broken her, it had refined her.

Jennifer knocked and opened the door to the principal’s office, and I entered, my eyes immediately locking onto Colt’s.

His flew impossibly wide.

“Principal Halsen,” I addressed the administrator, who motioned to the empty chair beside Colt.

I took it, sitting next to a very rigid Colt. Every line of his little body was tense, and his mouth was all pursed up. His hand gripped the armrest, and I reached over, giving him a reassuring squeeze. His posture softened the slightest bit, but it was enough.

“Mr. Gentry. I’m so sorry to call you in here, but in this kind of incident when there’s violence, we do need to send him home.”

“Can you tell me what happened?” I asked Colt.

“He attacked a classmate—”

“I’d like to hear it from him, first, if that’s okay,” I interrupted Principal Halsen.

“We were on the playground, and Drake Cooper wouldn’t leave Emma alone. She doesn’t like him.” Colt kept his eyes forward. “She told him to leave, and he wouldn’t, and he tried to kiss her.”

Drake. Recognition hit me. Letter number three.

“Is this the same kid who went after Maisie with that kiss-tag stuff?” I asked. It was the first time I’d ever used something only Chaos would have known. Of course, Colt didn’t know that, didn’t realize that as I sat next to him. I felt an odd merging of the guy who had written those letters and the man who had adopted Colt.

“Yeah. I guess he didn’t learn.”

“Guess not.”

Principal Halsen gave me a disapproving look, which I blatantly ignored.

“So I pulled him away and hit him,” Colt finished with a shrug. “He tried to hit me back, but I dodged.”

“Nice,” I said with a nod.

“He’s slow.” Another shrug.

“Mr. Gentry, as you can see, your son instigated violence in an unprovoked attack. He’ll be sent home today and suspended tomorrow. We have to send a message that this kind of violence isn’t tolerated.”

“I’m not his son,” Colt whispered.

Yeah, you are.

“Right, sorry, Colt,” Principal Halsen corrected and sent me another pointed look. He knew about the adoption from the records point of view.

“I have no problem with taking Colt home or him being suspended. You’re right, he did swing first. But my question is what you’re going to do about Drake.”

Colt’s head swung toward me in shock.

“I’m sorry?” Principal Halsen asked.

“My guess is that you’ve told Colt he’s purely at fault here, right? After all, he swung, he did what you thought was escalating violence.”

“He is in the wrong.”

“Maybe. But so is Drake. And he was already in the middle of an act of violence, which Colt stopped.”

“I’d hardly call playground antics like that violence,” Principal Halsen scoffed. “Drake has been told that his actions are unacceptable. But you know how little boys with crushes are, I’m sure.”

I glanced at Colt, who had the same look on his face Ella did when she was about to blow a gasket.

“Actually, I do. They act like Colt and protect the girls they like. What the other kid did, whether or not you see it, is wrong. And sure, you can brush it off as a playground antic, like I’m sure you’ve done for the last thirty years you’ve been at this school. The problem isn’t this one time; it’s the pattern. You did nothing last year when it was Maisie. Now we’re here, and that kid is another year older. So sure, I can take Colt home and give him a stern talking to about when it’s appropriate to use force. But I’ll probably end up showing him how to throw a better punch, because one day that other kid will be sixteen, and it won’t be just playground kisses he’s taking by force.”

Principal Halsen dropped his jaw, and I stood. “Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I’ll be sure his mother takes appropriate action. Colt? Ready to go? I think ice cream is in order.”

Colt nodded, scooting off the chair and swinging his backpack over his shoulder. We walked out of the office, through the double set of doors, and into the brisk March air. Colt was silent as we climbed into the truck and he buckled into his booster seat.

I hadn’t removed it in the last month. That action seemed more permanent than when Ella had walked out of the cabin.

“Your mom hasn’t called,” I said as I checked my phone.

“She’s in Montrose with Maisie,” Colt answered.

“Yeah. Who is taking care of you since Ada and Larry are on vacation?” I pulled out of the parking lot and headed toward Solitude. Traffic wasn’t too bad this time of day, but as soon as the sun went down, it would be mayhem as usual during tourist season.

The fact that I’d now lived somewhere long enough to recognize there was such a thing as tourist season was a revelation.

“Hailey.”

“Okay, want me to run you by the main house?” I looked in the rearview mirror, but he was staring out the window. “Colt?”

“I don’t care.”

I’d never had three words cut me that quickly before. Of course he was mad at me. He had every right to be. “Well, I left your mom a message that if she didn’t call me back, I’d take you to my house. Is that cool? Or would you rather go to Hailey?”

This was a catch-22, and I knew it. More than anything, I wanted a few hours with him. I needed to know how he was, what was new in his life, if he’d made the spring league soccer team. I missed the twins just as much as I missed Ella. But I also knew this was against Ella’s wishes, and I couldn’t just steal these hours.

“How far away do you live?” he asked, still watching the scenery go by. “I can’t get on a plane or anything. Mom would be really mad.”

My heart lurched. “Bud, I still live in Telluride—”

“You do? I just thought…” He shook his head. “I guess we can go to your house, that way you didn’t lie to my mom. She gets really mad if you lie.”

I knew Ella was the kind of mom who wouldn’t go into that much detail of why we weren’t together anymore, but those words hit home just the same. “You sure?”

He nodded. “Hailey’s working, and the sub cook doesn’t like kids around. Ada doesn’t like her, anyway. And if it’s okay, I’d really like to see Havoc.” His tone was flat, as if he’d been deciding between broccoli and cauliflower on his plate.

“Yeah. She’d like that, too. So would I. I miss you, buddy.”

“Okay.” He scoffed.

“I do, Colt.”

He didn’t respond, and continued the silent treatment until we pulled onto the dirt road that began just on the edge of the Solitude property.

“Where are we going?” he asked.

“My house.”

He leaned toward the window, checking out the property. “You live back here?”

“I do.” We pulled into the small clearing where the house was built, and Colt’s head swiveled.

“You live on the other side of the lake?”

“Yep. Pretty cool, right?” I pulled into the garage and killed the engine.

“Sure.” Colt grabbed his backpack and was to the house before I was.

I opened the door, and he flew inside, dropping to his knees where the mudroom met the kitchen and throwing his arms around Havoc.

She whined, her tail thumping on the floor as she laid her head on his shoulder, then the other. “I know. I missed you, too, girl,” Colt said, rubbing behind her ears. “It’s okay.”

I don’t know who was killing me more at the moment: Colt with his soft words or Havoc with her whines. She’d been the same way when Maisie came home from mega-chemo in December.

“I’ve got ice cream in the freezer,” I offered.

“Nah. I’m good. Let’s play!” He ditched his bag after grabbing his jacket, and Havoc led him out the front door, her Kong already in her mouth.

I followed and sat on the front porch steps as Colt threw the toy on the shore of the lake. He was only thirty feet away, but man, he’d frozen me out so efficiently that it felt like miles.

After a few minutes, I walked toward them.

“You like it?” I asked.

“You can’t see my house from here,” he said with another shrug.

“Nope, it’s behind the island.”

“Is that why you forgot about me?” He flung the ball down the shore.

Yeah, I wasn’t going to survive a few hours with him at this rate. Ella would find me dead, Colt holding the shredded remains of my heart.

“I never forgot you, Colt. That would be impossible.”

Havoc brought him the Kong, and he threw it harder, the motion more anger than exercise. “Yeah, right.”

“Colt.” I dropped to my knees and turned him toward me, then took a huge breath to steady myself. He had twin tear tracks down his cheeks. “I did not forget you.”

“Then why haven’t you seen us? One day I went to school, and when I came home, Mom said you guys weren’t friends anymore, and that was it.”

“Bud, it’s complicated.” I put my hands on his shoulders.

“That’s what grown-ups say when they don’t want to explain stuff.” He blinked, and another set of angry tears dropped.

“You know what? You’re right. Relationships between grown-ups are really hard to explain, but I’ll try. I messed up. You got that? Not your mom. This isn’t her fault, it’s mine. And I messed up so big that we broke up.”

“But you didn’t break up with me!” he shouted. “Or Maisie! You just disappeared! And when I snuck out to see you, you were already gone. You left without a goodbye, or a reason.”

“I’m right here,” I promised, my throat tightening, nearly choking my words.

“But I didn’t know that! You said you loved me and that we were friends. Friends don’t do that.”

“You’re right. Colt, I’m so sorry.” I put every ounce of emotion I had into my words, hoping he’d realize how true they were. “I have missed you every single day. There hasn’t been a minute when I haven’t wanted to see you, or talk to you. What happened between your mom and me doesn’t mean that I don’t love you and Maisie. It’s just…” Why weren’t there words for this? Why couldn’t I explain things to him without placing blame on Ella? It wasn’t her fault. It was mine.

“Complicated,” he finished.

“Yeah. Complicated.”

His anger faded, his mouth drooping into a profound, lip-trembling sadness. “I just…I kind of thought you were my dad. Or maybe you would be one day. And then you were gone.”

This time his tears destroyed me. I yanked him against my chest, wrapping my arms around him. “Me, too, Colt. Nothing would have made me happier than to be your dad. You are the best little boy I could have ever imagined having. This isn’t your fault. It’s not your mom’s fault. It’s my fault. So if you want to be mad, that’s okay, but you have to be mad at me. No one else. Promise?”

“I don’t want to be mad.” He cried into my shirt. “I want you to fix it!”

“I wish I could. But there are some things too broken to fix.”

He pulled back and glared at me. “Maisie was really broken, and you and Mom fix her. And she gets sick, and she cries, but Mom says she’ll get better if she fights, and then it will all be worth it.”

“I know.” I was usually really good at kid logic, but he was stumping me here.

“So you can’t be more broken than Maisie and not try to fix it. You don’t see Maisie giving up, and it’s been forever.” He dragged out the last word. “You and Mom broke in a day.”

“I really wish it was that simple, Colt.”

“So does Maisie. But she’s brave enough to try.”

I was seriously getting schooled in relationships by a seven-year-old. “You know who you sound like right now?”

He raised his eyebrows but didn’t answer.

“Your Uncle Ryan. Just like him.”

He looked out at the island and back to me. “Okay. So are you going to try to fix it? Or are you giving up?”

Everything to Colt was so easy. He hadn’t seen the worst of humanity yet, what people were capable of doing to one another. Hadn’t seen what I’d done to his mom. Didn’t know that I’d cost him his uncle. I loved Ella even more in that moment for not turning them against me.

“I can try, buddy. For you and Maisie, I can try.” I’d respected Ella’s wish to disappear. Having taken away all her other choices, that seemed like the best way to honor her. Besides, it wasn’t like I deserved a second chance. But what if I’d made a mistake? What if I should have pushed?

She would have pushed you right back.

“Good. Apologize. Girls like that.” He gave me a nod and a pat on my shoulder.

“I’ll keep that in mind. Anything else?”

His forehead puckered for a moment, and then he gave me a smirk. “They like it when you fight for them, too.”

Man, I loved this kid.

“Emma’s the one, huh?” From what I remembered of Colt’s birthday party, she’d been cute, kind, and smart, with big brown eyes and curly black hair a few shades darker than her complexion.

“She’s got pretty skin.” He nodded for emphasis.

I joined in on the nod, managing not to chuckle. “You tell her that?”

“No!” He looked around for a second, pondering. “Maybe when we’re twelve.”

“Playing the long game, gotcha.” I stood as he turned and threw the Kong for Havoc again, who had been waiting patiently. “I think what you did for her today was pretty awesome. It’s always good to protect smaller people. Maybe less hitting, though.”

He nodded. “I got really mad.”

“Yeah, I get that, too. But that’s a big part of being a man, knowing your strength and controlling your anger.”

“I’m seven.”

I almost laughed, realizing I’d been in his life long enough to hear him preach I’m six.

“Not for long. You could have just pulled him off, and the result wouldn’t have been as satisfying but just as effective. Plus, no principal time.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said, echoing my words from earlier.

“So what do you think about the house?” I’d built it for him, for Maisie…for Ella. Ironically, we’d broken up right before I could surprise her with it.

Or maybe I just should have told her from the beginning, like everything else.

He looked up at the house, his brows drawn in appraisal. “It’s good. I like it.”

“I’m glad to hear it.”

“It needs a tree house.” He pointed over to a gathering of pine trees. “Right there would be good.”

“Noted.”

“And a zip line.”

“Not going to give up on that one, are you?”

“Never!” He took off, chasing Havoc down the beach as my phone rang.

Ella.

“Hey,” I answered.

“What happened to Colt?” she asked, her voice pitched. “I’m so sorry, I don’t have service in that wing of the hospital, and I missed all the calls and now school is closed. What a mess.”

Her voice slid through me, soothing and cutting in one graceful move. “It’s okay.” I cleared my throat, hoping to clear the gravel sound out.

“I can’t believe you went all the way there. How far away were you?”

“Maybe ten minutes?”

“Wait. You’re still in Telluride?”

“I told you I wouldn’t leave.”

Her breathing pattern changed multiple times, like she would start to say something and then change her mind.

“So, Drake tried to kiss Emma,” I said, “and Colt went after him.”

She groaned. “What a jerk. Drake, I mean. Not Colt.”

“Yeah, I know. I might have caused a little drama with the principal, though. I told him it was partially their fault for not putting a stop to it when it happened with Maisie.”

“Right? They let that kid get away with murder. Wait, how did you…?”

I heard her slight intake of breath as she realized how I knew.

“Your third letter.” I felt the tone of our call change as my sins barged in between us, but I didn’t back away from it. “I told Colt it was great to stand up for the girl you like, but maybe a little less hitting.”

“Yeah. True.”

Silence stretched between us, sad and heavy with the things we’d already said last month.

“So, he’s playing with Havoc right now, but I can take him to Hailey if you want. He’s suspended tomorrow.”

“Crap, I’m not due home until tomorrow afternoon, and Hailey’s watching him while Ada and Larry are away, but she’s working all day tomorrow. I don’t mind him at the main house, but—”

“But the cook subbing in for Ada isn’t a big fan of kids. Colt told me.”

“Yeah, she’s kind of mean. But really good, too.” She sighed, and I could picture her smoothing her hair back, her eyes darting from side to side, trying to figure out what to do.

“I can keep him with me. I have the room, and I’d love nothing more than to hang out with him. But I understand completely if you don’t want that, and I’d be willing to bring him to Montrose, too.” Or slice my heart open and bleed out, whatever you’d like.

A few seconds of silence passed, and I almost took it back, hating that I’d put her in that kind of position.

“That would be nice, and I’m sure he’d love it. He’s really missed you.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Maisie, too.”

“I’ve missed them, too. It’s…it’s been hard.”

I’ve missed you every second, so much it hurts to breathe.

“Yeah.”

More silence. I would have given anything to see her in that moment, to hold her, to fall at her feet and make whatever sacrifice she demanded.

“Look, I’ll call Solitude and let Hailey know, and I’ll be there around five tomorrow. Is that okay?”

“No problem.”

“Thank you, and I’m glad you’re still here, I mean there. In Telluride. Okay. Bye, Beckett.”

“Ella.” I couldn’t bear to say goodbye, even if just for a phone call.

The line went dead, and I looked over at Colt. I had twenty-four hours with him. I did what any rational man would. I called in to work and made the most of every minute.