The Hating Game: A Novel

He’s cold as ice and the tone gives me flashbacks. He says it like it is the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard. Silly little Lucy Hutton, impossible to take seriously, and absolutely no match for Joshua Templeman in any arena. I’m a joke. I’m not getting the job, because why would I? I have to be coached through a phone call.

“Maybe not,” Mr. Bexley muses. Clearly pleased to have kicked over two beehives, he plods off. As he waits for the elevator, he looks back at us.

“But then again, Doctor Josh, you may want to rethink that.”

The elevator door closes as Josh’s silently mouthed Fuck you fragments around us. Then he looks at me.

“I was lying.”

The silence rings like crystal wineglasses touched together.

“Well, you’re quite a good actor. I sure believed it.” I pick up my bottle of water and sip, trying to ease the angry tightness in my throat. I’m actually grateful to him. This is what I’ve been missing. We’re two racehorses pounding toward the finish line. I’ve been flagging, but I’ve just felt the first lash of the whip. I need to hold on to this feeling until I walk out of the interview.

“I always have been. I was mad at him for looking at you like that and it came out wrong. I’ve got a bad habit of snapping. Look at me, Luce.”

When I do, he repeats himself slowly. “I did not mean it.”

“It’s all right. It’s what I needed.” I use the same flat, icy tone that he’d just used with Bexley. I have no idea how I can make my voice so cold when anger feels like a blowtorch in my chest. I’m a good actor too.

His forehead has his trademark crease of concern. “You needed that? Me being an asshole? It’s all you seem to get from me.”

“You’ve just given me what I needed to hear.”

Life is all about perspective, and if I choose to believe I’ve just received a boost to my motivation from my competitor, I can ignore my bruised pride. I am going to keep my focus forward. My focus is now a laser beam that he has given me.

My computer chimes. Five minutes until I have my meeting with Danny to discuss working on my ebook project.

“Wait. We need to clear this up. I can’t quite explain it yet, though.” His face twists in agitation. “The timing is all off. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded.”

“I’m going out.” I begin gathering my bag and coat.

“And where are you going? In case Helene asks me,” he amends. He looks miserable. “Are you coming back?”

“I’m meeting someone for coffee.”

“Well,” Josh says after a second. “I can’t stop you.”

“Thank you for allowing me to do my job.” After spitefully pushing his in-trays crooked I march to the elevator.

I walk to the Starbucks across the street. The thing about being in combat with Joshua Templeman? I never truly win. That’s what is so deceptive about it all. The moment I think I’ve won, something happens to remind me I haven’t.

Please, let me enjoy this moment. Joshua Templeman is officially my friend.

It’s nothing but win, then lose, lose, lose.

Danny’s already at a seat by the window. The fact I’m late is another nail in my professionalism’s coffin.

“Hi. Thanks for meeting me. Sorry I’m late.”

I order coffee and then briefly outline my idea.

“I’ve got time this weekend,” Danny offers nobly. He’s been looking at me with undisguised interest; my tied-up hair, my bare throat and the red of my mouth. I have a bad feeling he’s hoping our bad kiss was a blip.

“I’d be paying you out of my own pocket. Can you give me an idea of how much?”

Danny doesn’t look concerned. “Why don’t we make a deal. Credit my work in the interview and mention my new self-publishing software to Helene. There may be some cross-functionalities that could suit your project. And . . . three hundred bucks.”

“That’s fine, and of course I will,” I rush to assure him. This is something I can do. Give him a little exposure to the exec, and help build his business.

A couple of B&G people are queuing for coffee and look at us with speculative glances. Another walks past on the street and waves at me. I’m sitting in a big glass fishbowl. My cheeks start to burn when I think about everything I’ve said and done with Joshua on the top floor. The barbs, the insults, the circuit-frying kisses. In our own isolated little world, everything seemed so normal and acceptable.

“Thanks for thinking of me on this.” Danny sips his coffee.

“Well, after our dinner on Monday I knew I could trust you with my little secret. And like you said, I needed some help and you were the first person I thought of.”

“Oh, so it’s a secret?”

“Helene knows, of course. Mr. Bexley knows about the project concept but not the actual finished product I’m hoping to present.”

I wish I didn’t have to say this next part, and I’m sad at how messed up this situation has gotten.

“I need to ask you to please, don’t say anything to Josh. I know you won’t see him again, but let’s keep it between us. He’s so sure he’s getting the job. It’s more important than ever I beat him.”

“I won’t. But, actually, he’s over there.”

“What?” I nearly scream it. I can’t turn around. “Act businesslike.” I draw a diagram on my notepad and Danny draws some slashy lines on it.

“What is his deal? He always looks furious.” Danny shakes his head at my notepad and we do a bit more business-miming.

“That’s his face.”

“You guys have a weird dynamic going on.”

“There’s no dynamic. No dynamic.” I begin swigging at my coffee. It’s too hot and a terrible idea.

“But you know he’s in love with you, right?”

I inhale my huge mouthful and begin to drown on dry land. Danny leans over and thumps me between my shoulder blades. Tears are streaming down my face. I wish he’d let me die.

“He’s not,” I wheeze. I use a napkin to wipe my face. “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Ever.”

“As your friend,” Danny articulates with a little smile, “I’m telling you he is.”

“What’s he doing?”

“Scaring the cashier shitless. People are concerned about how things will be if he gets the job. We know how good at cutting staff he is. A few guys in design are brushing up their CVs, in case.”

“I’m sure he’d be fine to work for.” I muster my diplomacy. I won’t stoop to Josh’s level. I stand up and gather my things.

“Let’s say hi to him,” Danny says and I’m pretty sure he’s messing with me. His mouth is lifted into a half smile.

“No, we’re going to climb out the bathroom window. Quick.”

He laughs and shakes his head. Once again, I’m impressed by his bravery. Everyone else tries to avoid the monster in their midst. But I do know a secret about Josh. I think of him last night, taking my pulse, counting each beat of my heart. Covering me with a blanket, tucking my feet in. It’s quite remarkable how he’s managed to maintain this frightening façade for so long.

“Hi,” we both say in unison as we approach.

“Well, hello,” Josh says archly.

“Quit stalking so much.” My tone is so aggrieved that the girl at the coffee machine laughs out loud.

Josh fixes his cuff. “Missed each other, did you?”

I am lasering the word SECRET into Danny’s brain. I raise my eyebrows and he nods. Josh watches this exchange.

“Lucy’s talking to me about an . . . opportunity to . . . work with her.” Danny is a genius. Nothing is more believable than the truth.

“That’s right. Danny’s helping me with my . . . presentation.” We couldn’t seem more shady if we tried.

“You’re working on your presentation. Right. Okay.” Josh takes his coffee when his name is called and gives such an accusing look my face nearly melts off. “And were we doing that too, Lucinda? Last night on my couch?”

Danny’s jaw hits the floor. I am not amused. If this got out, my reputation would be in shreds. It’s too juicy. Danny’s still in contact with too many people in design. And he’s also a sticky-nosed gossip hound.

“In your dreams, Templeman. Ignore him, Danny. Walk back with me.”

I tug Danny ahead so he doesn’t get tossed into oncoming traffic. Josh follows at a languid pace, sipping his coffee. I’m holding Danny’s arm so tightly he winces as I drag him across the road.

“Even if he kidnaps and tortures you, don’t tell him what you’re doing for me. He’ll use every bit of information he can to screw me.”

“Wow, you guys really are mortal enemies.”

“Yep, to the death. Pistols and swords at dawn.”

“So he’s doing this to try to find out your interview strategy?” Danny says hi to a colleague and checks his phone.

“Exactly!” I let out a nervous whinny. I think everything is covered up. “I’ll call you after work once I’ve worked out what book I want you to format for me.”

Josh is nearly upon us. I’m beginning to think I might toss Danny into oncoming traffic myself to end this agonizing little tableau.

“Okay, talk to you tonight. Bye, Josh. Good luck in your interview.” Danny continues along the footpath.

Josh and I don’t say a word to each other as we get into the elevator. He’s so livid it’s a visceral thing. Meanwhile, I’m still partially deceased by what Danny said. You know he’s in love with you, right?

“He’s so nice. What a nice guy. I think I get what you see in him.” He speaks so sharply I bump backward. “I must have had a vivid dream last night.”

“Hey, what can I say? I lied. I’m a good actor.” I spread my arms wide and push ahead to my desk.

“So, you’re embarrassed of me?”

“No. Of course not. But no one can know. I think he’s a gossip. Oh, don’t give me that sourpuss face. People will talk about us.”

“Newsflash, people have always talked about us. And you don’t care if people talk about you and him, but not you and me?”

“You and I work ten feet from each other. It’s different. I want to reestablish some level of professionalism in this office.”

Josh pinches the bridge of his nose. “Fine. I’ll play it your way. If this is the last personal conversation we ever have in this building, then I’ll tell you now. Bring your bag on Friday.”

“What? What’s happening on Friday?”

“Bring in your stuff for the wedding. Your dress and stuff.”

At my walleyed stare, he reminds me. “You’re coming to my brother’s wedding. You insisted, remember?”

“Wait, why am I bringing my dress on Friday? The wedding is on Saturday. Is there a rehearsal? I didn’t agree to go to the wedding twice.”

“No. The wedding is at Port Worth and we have to drive there.”

I look at him, doubtful. “That’s not too far away.”

“Far enough away that we need to leave after work. Mom needs my help with a few things the night before.”

I’m filled to the brim with annoyance, terror, hurt feelings, and absolute certainty this is going to be a disaster. We stare into each other’s eyes.

“I knew you wouldn’t be happy but I also wasn’t expecting such complete horror.” Josh leans back in his chair and assesses me. “Don’t freak out.”

“We’ve never even gone to a movie together, or to a restaurant. I was nervous getting a ride in your car. And now you’re telling me I’m driving several hours with you and to bring my pj’s? Where are we staying?”

“Probably a seedy hotel.”

I am close to hyperventilating. I am this close to running down the fire escape. I’ve had a fair idea we’d at some point get around to playing the Or Something Game. I imagined it in his blue bedroom, or while hissing hurtful insults at him in the cleaner’s closet. But too much has happened today.

“I was kidding, Lucy. I have to talk to my mom about where we’re staying.”

“I didn’t properly think about meeting your parents. Look, I’m not coming. You were a real asshole to me just now, remember? You don’t need help beating me, remember? I’d have to be crazy to help you now. Go by yourself like a big loser.”

“You made the commitment. You promised. You never break your word.”

I shrug and my moral fibers strain uncomfortably. “Like I care.”

He decides to play his ace card. “You’re my designated moral support.”

It is the most intriguing thing he could have gone with. I can’t resist.

“Why exactly do you need moral support?” He doesn’t answer, but shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

I raise my eyebrows until he relents.

“I’m not dragging you along as my sex slave. I won’t lay a finger on you. I just can’t walk in without a date. And that’s you. You owe me, remember? I helped you vomit.”

He looks so grim I have a chill of foreboding.

“Moral support? Will it be so bad?”

His cell begins to ring, and he looks between it and me, torn.

“The issue here is timing. I have to take this.”

He walks down the hallway, and I resign myself to looking up the route, because unfortunately it’s true. I promised.

ONCE, A TINY eternity ago, I could lie on my couch like any other person. I could watch TV, eat snacks, and paint my nails. I could call Val and we’d go try on clothes. But now that I’m an addict, I have to hang on to the cushions with my chipped fingernails to stop myself from standing up, putting shoes on, and running to Josh’s building. The effort is making me ache. I weigh myself down with my laptop on my chest and halfheartedly flick between news sites, my interview presentation, Smurf auctions, and my favorite retro-dork clothing site.

I get a pop-up notification that my parents have just logged into Skype, and I dial so quickly that it’s a little embarrassing. My mother appears onscreen, frowning and too close.

“Stupid thing,” she mutters, and then brightens. “Smurfette! How are you?”

“Fine, how are you?” Before she replies the screen fills with the fly of her jeans as she stands up and calls out repeatedly to my dad for one very long minute. Nigel! Nigel! Even the familiar tone and cadence her voice takes has me shriveling in homesickness. Finally, she gives up.

“He must still be out in the field,” she tells me, sitting back down. “He’ll wander in soon.”

We look at each other for a long moment. It’s so rare to have her to myself, without my dad’s gale-force personality propelling the conversation, that I hardly know where to start. I can’t seem to talk about the weather, or how busy I’ve been. As her shrewd blue eyes narrow as I choose my words, I realize I’d better ask the question I’ve been torturing myself with for these last few weeks, and perhaps all of my life. It’s something I should have asked her years ago.

“Before I was born, and when you met Dad . . . how could you give up your dream?”

The question clangs in the dead static air between her and me. She doesn’t speak for a long moment, and I think maybe I’ve said something I really shouldn’t. When she locks eyes again with me, her gaze is steady and resolute.

“If you’re asking me if I regret my choice? No.” She sits back into her chair, I sit up properly on the couch, and suddenly it’s like there’s no screen between us. No frame surrounding her face, or mine, and no strangely intrusive preview screen distracting us with our own faces. I feel like I could reach out and take her hand. It’s the closest we’ve been since I saw her last, when I hugged her at the airport and breathed her shampoo and sunshine smell. I watch her thinking, and the clock is ticking before my dad walks in and interrupts.

“How can I regret it for a second? I have your father, and I have you.” It’s the answer and the smile I knew she’d give me. How can she say anything differently?

“But don’t you wonder where you’d be now if you chose your career instead of him?”

She avoids answering again. “Is this about your job interview? Are you worried about what happens if you miss your big chance?”

“Something like that. I’ve just started thinking that even if I get it, I could lose out on other . . . opportunities.”

“I don’t think you need to give up your dream for anything. You want this, I can see it. I can hear it in your voice. Times have moved on, honey. You don’t have to give up anything. You don’t have to make a choice like mine. You just need to give it your all.”

A door bangs in the background on her end of the conversation, and her eyes flick offscreen. “That’s your dad.”

I’m starting to feel frantic. I can’t tell her about the change in my relationship with Josh, our competition, and what I will lose no matter what the outcome is. There’s no time. There’s only time for this.

“If I were in the same position, walking through an orchard, possibly about to derail myself somehow, what would you tell me to do?”

She looks offscreen and I can hear heavy boots clomping up the stairs to the office. Her answer convinces me of the cherry seed of what if that has always been lodged in her heart. “For you? I’d tell you to keep walking. I want things for you. Keep your eye on the prize and whatever you do, just keep walking.”

“What’s going on?” Dad appears, kissing the top of my mom’s head, and he sees me on the screen. “You should have come got me! How’s my girl? Ready to beat Jimmy at the interview? Imagine his face when you get it. I can just see it now.” He drops into the seat beside Mom and then beams at the ceiling, relishing my fictional victory and his own cleverness.

I can see it on the tiny preview screen; my face falls. It could be seen from space and Mom definitely sees it. “Oh. I see now. Lucy, why didn’t you say?”

Dad forges onward without a response from me. Next topic. “When are you coming home?”

I admit I pause for a second longer, for greater effect.

“The long weekend.” It’s the answer that my heart has been aching to give, and when I watch my dad’s face break into his chipped-tooth grin I’m glad I’ve said it. Mom continues to hold my gaze, steady.

“Just keep walking, unless what’s up that tree is as special as this.”

“What on earth are you talking about? Did you hear her? She’s coming home!” Dad’s seat squeaks under the rhythm of his chair dancing, and just like my mom, I’m at the gates of a frighteningly momentous orchard, and I need to focus my gaze forward on the far exit, laser strong, never looking up.

IT’S FRIDAY. IT should be a terrible mustard shirt today, but it’s not. I have my bag packed in the trunk of my car, and over the past two days I’ve been so nervous about this weekend I haven’t been able to stomach solids. I’ve subsisted entirely on smoothies and tea. I slept two hours last night.

It’s a relief that we’re at this point. The sooner we leave here, the sooner we can get it over with. My mind has run every scenario possible, in my dreams, in my every waking moment. And the only certainty I have is, whatever happens, it will all be over soon.

Josh has been in Mr. Bexley’s office for over an hour. There’s been raised voices, Mr. Bexley shouting, and silence. It hasn’t helped my anxiety level.

Helene went in earlier to intervene. More chillingly, Jeanette hustled past me about forty-five minutes ago and stepped into the fray. Maybe Josh’s strategy involves major workforce cuts and she was called in to consult.

When she left, she paused by my desk, and looked at me, and laughed. It was the kind of laugh tinged by hysteria, like she’s just heard the funniest thing.

“Good luck,” she tells me. “You’re going to need it. This is beyond HR.”

We’ve been found out. Someone has seen me and Josh together, and we’re busted. Danny has told someone. It’s out. This scenario wasn’t in the mix. I lean down and press my cheekbone against my knee. Breathe in, breathe out.

“Darling!” Helene is alarmed when she walks to my desk. My vision is gray. I try to stand and weave on the spot. She makes me sit back down and hands me my water bottle.

“Are you all right?”

“I’m going to faint. What’s going on in there?”

“They’re talking about the interviews. Josh’s idea for the future doesn’t quite align with Bexley’s.”

She pulls over a chair and sits beside me. I’m about to be fired. I begin wheezing.

“Am I in trouble? Is he doing some kind of pre-interview? Why aren’t I doing one? And why was HR involved? I kept hearing shouting. And Jeanette said something spooky. About how I was going to need luck. Am I in trouble?” I end on the same pitiful note I began.

“Of course not. It’s a bad argument they’re having in there, darling. They have disagreements all the time. I thought it best to bring Jeanette up to remind them of professional etiquette. Nothing worse than two men barking at each other like dogs.”

Helene is looking at me strangely. I must look terrible.

“Is he . . .” I bite off the words, but she won’t let me get away with it.

“Is he what?”

“Is he okay? Is . . . Josh okay?” She nods, but the thing is, I know he’s not. The last two days have been exhausting. Josh has been nothing but grave civility, but I can now read the nuances of his face better than ever. He’s worn out. Sad. Stressed. He can’t decide what’s worse; eye contact, or none.

And I understand. I really do.

I find if I keep my eyes off him, and fixed on my computer screen, there’s less chance of feeling my stomach flip. I can keep the butterflies out of my system if I can avoid seeing the blue of his eyes or the shape of his mouth. The mouth I have kissed, over and over. No one can kiss me like he does, and it’s more proof the world is unfair.

The hurt over his comment, I’m not going to need any help beating her, has dulled into a callus I can’t stop pressing. What a shitty thing he said. But if the roles had been reversed, and it was Helene out there tormenting us, who’s to say I wouldn’t have said the exact same thing? I’m not the blameless little victim in our private war.

We’re like this because we’ve found someone who can take it as good as they can dish it out. And I’ll guarantee one thing. I’m going to dish it out at the interview. Even in my dreams, I know the answer I’ll give to any question they ask. He sure will need help beating me. Helene is watching me, her eyes soft with empathy.

“It’s sweet you’re concerned for him, darling, but Josh is a big boy. You should be more concerned about Bexley. I know who I’d put my money on.”

“But why is Mr. Bexley—”

“I can’t say. It’s their confidential business. Let’s talk about your interview. How did the meeting with Danny go?”

“It’s going well. He’s going to do that old thriller Bloodsummer in ebook for me. It was my dad’s favorite book. He’s doing it over the weekend, and gave me an incredible rate.”

“Well, that’s good of him. If the presentation impresses the panel, maybe he’ll end up getting some consulting work out of us. How is your dad? When are you going to go home, darling? Your parents must be missing you.”

“The long weekend that’s coming up. That’s when I need to go. Actually, I’d like to take a week.” In the pause that follows, I realize that my usual caveat of if that’s okay didn’t attach itself to that statement. The old me is shaking her head in disbelief.

I look at my lovely, generous friend and like I knew she would, she nods. “That’s fine. Take a break before the new job begins.” Her faith in me has never wavered.

My newfound assertiveness doesn’t help me shake the feeling something bad is going on. I look at Mr. Bexley’s closed door again.

“Go home, darling. No one should ring this late on a Friday anyway. It should be illegal. What are you up to this weekend?” I have the weirdest feeling that she’s testing me.

Unless it’s to Josh, I can’t lie properly. “I think I’m going on a road trip with a . . . friend. Actually, not a friend. But I can’t quite decide if I should.”

The word friend feels like a foreign word I’ve mispronounced. Frand. She catches the pause, and smiles.

“You should go. I hope you have a wonderful time with your friend. You need one. I know you’ve been lonely since the merger, when you lost your Valerie.”

Unexpectedly, she takes my shoulders in her hands, and kisses both of my cheeks. “I can see your brain working. I think just for this weekend you need to put it all aside. Forget the interview. One day, this interview will be a faint memory.”

“Hopefully a good memory. A triumphant memory.”

“It’s up to the recruitment gods now. I know you’ve done all you can.”

I have to admit it’s true. “As long as the ebook formatting doesn’t screw up, I’d be ready to be interviewed now.”

“I’m your boss, and I am ordering you to live a little this weekend. You’re fading away these last few days. Look at your eyes. All red. You look as bad as Josh does. We’ve driven you both to a nervous breakdown, announcing the promotion.” She purses her mouth unhappily.

“There are moments when I wish this had never happened. None of it. The merger. This office. This promotion. It’s ending something, and I’m not ready yet.”

“I’m sorry.” She pats my hand. “So sorry.”

“I’ve been getting my filing up to date, in case I have to leave. I’ve emailed my CV to five or six recruitment firms. I’ve cleaned out my drawers. I’m pretty much packed. Just in case.”

Helene looks at Josh’s desk, which seems even more sanitized than usual. He’s been doing the same. You could perform surgery on his desk.

“I can’t lose you. We’d find you somewhere else in another team. Somewhere you’d be happy. I don’t want you to be fretting all weekend, thinking you have no options.”

“But how could I bump into the new COO in the elevator? How humiliating.”

I can imagine it now. The heat would rise in my body, and the tiny hairs on my skin would rise in memory. He’d look down at me, eyes coolly professional. I’d greet him politely and remember how he pressed me against an elevator wall once in a total game changer. Then I’d reach my floor and leave him behind to continue his journey upward.

It’s better to leave here completely than have to look at him across boardroom tables and glimpse him in the basement parking lot. He’ll find a new woman to torment and fascinate. One day I might see a gold ring on his hand.

“Why would I keep torturing myself like that?”

I think my expression must be stark, because Helene makes an attempt to cheer me.

“Live a little, this weekend. Trust me. It will work out for the best.”

“I’ll put the phones through to my cell and let you know if anything urgent comes in.”

I need to go downstairs to my car. I want to open the trunk, look at my packed bag, and try to dodge the big question a little longer. The how do I feel about Josh question. My car keys glow in my bag. I could get in my car, and drive.

I pat my pockets and realize I’ve got a major problem. My cell phone is gone. I look under my desk, in my bag, in folders, and paperwork. I can’t even remember the last time I saw it.

I find it beside the sink in the ladies room. When I return to my desk, Josh is emerging from his meeting with Mr. Bexley without a hair out of place.