The End of the Beginning

William sat on a recycled newspaper bench. As usual, Florida was showing off with yet another beautiful day. It was very hot outside but the sky above was a rich blue, only to be broken up by a smattering of long, thin clouds. In the west, he could see thunderstorms poking the stratosphere along an incoming front.

William looked forward at Umoja Tower in front of him, one of his legs tapping furiously. He glanced at the time on his glass tag and continued playing with the beret in his hands.

William had never been to a psychiatrist. Looking back at his life, seeing one probably would have been helpful in more instances than one. Frankly, he didn’t want to talk to anyone about anything revolving around his life prior to five days ago. He was in a new place with new people with a new life bestowed upon him and he wanted to stay there.

At the advice of John, William had started going through each day with a routine. He left no part of his day untouched. He always remained busy, always explored, and always focused. There was always a plan for him to follow from the time he got up to the time he went to bed. When he did go to bed he made sure he was exhausted to stave off nightmares. But five short days of a routine involving running, working out in the base gyms, studying, and meeting others wasn’t going to cure him of his mental infection of anxiety. The incident in the warehouse hadn’t helped his self-esteem either. Deep down, William knew he had to walk into the building.

William placed the beret back on his head.

“Here goes nothing,” he said, walking off the bench.

In the lobby, an attendant directed him to the office on the fourth floor. He made his way there and once he found the room, knocked on the wooden door three times, each knock quieter than the last.

From behind the door came a joyful, “Come in!”

William turned the handle and entered a room filled with white, ultra-modern furniture and a scent of lavender and mint from burning incense. One wall was all glass and looked north out over the rising Umoja Tower. All four corners had foliage in them with replicated bird and trickling water noises playing faintly through surround sound speakers.

A sunken center area with carpeting cradled two couches with orange pillows that were perpendicular to William and a bamboo coffee table in between. Papers and a glass tablet were on the coffee table and a person was looking over them, sitting on the far couch facing the door. Behind this center area was a black desk with a white chair and even more papers and tablets on it. Steaming and stained, a yellow coffee mug with a happy face on it rested on an end table next to the far couch.

William closed the door and waited to be addressed, almost wishing he would not so he could leave as quietly as he came in. But the man in white cargo pants and long-sleeve shirt with UNIRO patches noticed him and immediately got up to shake William’s hand. Looking to be in his mid-thirties, he had thick, short black hair and brown eyes that matched his dark skin.

“You must be Captain Emerson. A pleasure to meet you,” said the man in a booming voice that was oddly calming. “My name is Dr. Evan Frydryck. As I’m sure you’ve been told, I’ll be the person you will be meeting with weekly to talk.” William shook his hand but did not make eye contact with Frydryck. “To talk… right. Look, Dr. Frydryck, I’m not that comfortable talking. It’s not you, I just can’t find the words, I guess.” The doctor put his hand on William’s shoulder and guided him to be seated on the couch facing the office desk. William sat down and Frydryck sat across from him, grabbing another sip of whatever was in the mug.

Putting it down he said, “Captain, we are all good at talking. We do it every day. Sometimes even to ourselves. You’re probably better at it than you think. The hard part is talking about what the mind wants to remain silent. You probably think you’re being sent here to get brainwashed into happy thoughts and smell funny flowers to make you relax, but I assure you it will not be like that. You are here to literally talk about anything you want with me.” “Anything?” William asked.

“It can be as simple as you want it and even as quick as you want it. I will ask you how your day is going and we’ll go from there. You can even ask me how my day is going if you’d like. Turn the tables around, you know,” Frydryck chuckled.

“Okay,” William asked, shifting in his seat. “Sooo, do we start now or…?”

“We can. What did you do today? What do you think of the base? I tell ya, the first time I saw her I thought I was in the wrong place.”

“Her?”

“Reminds me of my mother: big and imposing, yet majestic, and always ready to help.”

William just stared at the floor.

“The buildings, that is,” Dr. Frydryck said with an awkward throaty chuckle.

William kept staring at the floor.

“Any who,” Frydryck gulped, “it went up so fast they forgot to put my name on my own office door. I thought there was no way I could be lucky enough to work here. A nobody psychiatrist like me, here.” “A nobody psychiatrist?”

“Yeah. I wasn’t the top of my class, had nothing special about me that I could put on my résumé. I was just a skinny black boy from Baton Rouge who didn’t know how to tie his shoes till he was twelve. I was never very smart, but I knew people. I had a talent to read not paper, but minds and the character that surrounded them.” William finally met the doctor’s eyes when he heard this. Baton Rouge. It was a place close to home. The doctor looked like he had prepared to say that.

“Baton Rouge… Really? I was born in New Orleans in ’96. My grandparents used to take me there sometimes on weekends to go to a library my grandmother used to love. I don’t remember what it was called. The ah, the...” “State Library of Louisiana?” asked Frydryck.

“Yeah. That was it.”

“I used to go there to rent movies since they were free. My family didn’t have much,” said Frydryck. “My mother though, God bless her heart, she sure did make us feel like we did.” “I never knew my mother, or father. They died when I was six months old. My grandparents raised me. My grandmother was a schoolteacher, hence the library trips. But, after the storm, after…” Watching her drown before my eyes was not going to ever leave me I realized, no matter how hard I tried. Twenty-two years hadn’t. I didn’t save her, but I don’t think I ever could have. Nature was always going to win. But, I could have saved my grandfather. Nature didn’t kill him, something much worse did… Much worse… “…Katrina,” William finished. “I left the state as a refugee. I’ve never returned. But, it made me a nobody too. And sometimes, I kind of still think I am.”

“Why do you think that, Captain?”

“I… I don’t know. I don’t like thinking that. But I do,” William said through gritting teeth. He tightened his grip. He felt the med-bracelet start to pulsate.

“Do you - ”

“Because I couldn’t save them. I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t save anyone!” William fired. Immediately William was embarrassed by his outburst. Dr. Frydryck did not look phased.

“I’m sorry, doctor.” William murmured. The med-bracelet continued to pulsate. William rubbed his hand over it.

“Your anger is nothing to be ashamed of, Captain. Letting it out in constructive situations like this is something I think you’ve been missing for a long time.”

For the first time since entering the room, William made himself comfortable on the couch, and without realizing it, started opening up to the doctor. “Life has taken... taken things from me, things that shouldn’t be taken…” William grimaced. “At least, not so early. I just try catching up and wait for what is going to happen next. I tried to take charge and do something, in the Air Force, but that didn’t work so well. Everyone on this base seems to know what I did in Korea, so I assume you do too.” “I do, but I’ve never heard from the person who actually did it,” Frydryck smiled.

“That one’s for another time, Dr. Frydryck,” William said, shaking his head. He looked out the windows. “I just want to be someone again. I want to be someone for something that I am proud of doing, not just surviving a tragedy. I’m just afraid to try because every time I do, something happens. Life will take something away from me again. It’s like I’m not meant to be happy.” William sighed and crossed his legs. “Trust me, life is always reminding me that it hates me. I get these, uh, episodes, panic attacks, nightmares as well. So far they have been a little better since coming here, but I think it’s just because I have made myself be so busy I forget. Where I used to live, before coming here, I lived in a forest.” “Where?”

“Canada, where no one could reach me. At night, I would hear things that weren’t there. Voices. Screams. Shouting. Explosions. It scared the hell out of me. Sitting here in Tranquility now, I don’t know how I ever lasted so long like that, alone. I don’t want those coming back. I want to stay here and not be… alone.” “And you no longer are, Captain.”

“I know. But fear sure makes you feel like you are. I don’t want to be afraid of what I have to do. I’ve been asked to be rescuer again and honestly that scares the shit out of me. It scares me because even though I have been a rescuer all my life, right out of high school, I feel like I have never in fact rescued anyone. I let children burn. I let my family drown. Now, I’m expected to help save the entire world; to be… someone again.” William flashed a burdened grin.

Frydryck took a long gulp from his mug, which was no longer steaming, and then placed it down on the coffee table, sat back and crossed his own legs.

“Captain, everyone wants to be a somebody. I believe it is a basic human instinct to rise beyond what one is supposed to be. To rise to a level that surpasses the minimum, the standard. Not many people settle for little. They settle for a lot. You want to settle for a lot. You always have. What you need to do right now is focus only on what you need to do right now, or tomorrow, or for the week. No more. Long-term thinking has always been hard for people. The brain isn’t good at it. As weird as it sounds, you need to settle for a little to be happy in the present.” Frydryck took another sip.

“No one is a nobody, Captain. Everyone has a name and everyone has a mind to do something with that name. You have a name and a mind that wants to do good things. And your fear is no match for that drive. Go out there and fulfill that drive. Do good things. Don’t let the past dwell in you. Open up to the hope of knowing you have the power to change lives on a scale like never before. Reduce your fears to the ashes from which it rose.” “But how?” William asked.

“You sitting there is a good start for one, but I’ll tell you what; I want you try something for me. As strange as it seems you need to do it every morning or night, doesn’t matter.” Dr. Frydryck uncrossed his legs and sat up. “I want you to tell yourself what you love about you or the day, or another person, once a day. But mainly try and focus on you. It will only take five minutes or less and you will see yourself in a whole new light. It will make you really look at who you are and what you’re all about and pretty soon you’ll see something is in there,” Frydryck pointed to William’s chest,” that there is still a someone.” “What if I don’t find anyone?”

Dr. Frydryck pulled his mug up to his lips as he smiled, “What if you do?”