The Chrononauts

Matt showed the D.A. everything. It was overwhelming to him. He sighed, “You guys didn’t have to show me all this...hell, you could have told me he died in a whorehouse and that would have been the end of it.”

Matt sighed, “Well, sir, we saw how important that picture was to you and we figured it was important to figure out what is really going on here.”

The D.A. chuckled, “You men can call me Walt. Are you going to the Red Lobster tonight with Victoria?”

Harvard laughed. “We have to be there. Victoria says some Russian friends of my uncle are going to try to kill me.” Walt raised his eyebrows.

Brady chuckled. “Would you like to come? We are eating at seven.”

Walt asked, “Can I bring my wife? It is our anniversary.”

Victoria was leaning against the doorway. “Of course you can, sir.”

Walt chuckled. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Victoria walked over to Walt and whispered back and forth. Something she said shocked him, but he hesitated and nodded his head slowly.

He whispered something to her that made her laugh hard. He said he would see them later that night and left with a definite hop in his step.

Senator Abel yelled. “I thought I told you to shoot the damn owl?”

Carl shook his head. “I tried. It is hard to shoot an owl with a nine-millimeter. All I did was make it angry.”

The senator chuckled. “Her, only a female could be that vengeful.” The black car was now white.

Carl sighed. “The owl had a lot of friends.”

Abel laughed. “I wish I had friends like that.”

Carl nodded. “Yes sir, but you usually shoot your friends.”

Abel laughed. “Good point, Carl.”

The D.A. talked to his wife. “Babe, we’re going out to the Red Lobster tonight.”

Nancy was surprised. “We are going out to eat tonight for our anniversary?”

He smiled. “I think it will be one of the best nights you ever had, at least according to Victoria.”

She laughed. “You don’t mean the little girl from your trial?” He chuckled. “Yes, I do. Do you know she speaks eight languages and has a 200 IQ? She is only nine years old. You were a history major, right, dear?”

She laughed. “You know I was.”

He continued. “And ah, your favorite event you wish you could have seen is?”

She laughed. “What is this? You know that too, the sinking of the Titanic. Why?”

He just smiled. “Just making sure I remember correctly, dear.”

Victoria saw the D.A. and his wife coming. “Good, you’re here a little early.” There were introductions all around. The D.A. had everyone call him Walt. Nancy thought that was out of character for her husband.

Victoria laughed. “Dinner will be ten minutes late, due to four members of the Russian mob who are here to kill Harvard and me. Let’s sit on the patio and see how it all unfolds.”

Nancy clapped and bounced up and down. “Oh, I love these plays.” Victoria looked at Walt with a puzzled face. He gave Victoria a shrug and a goofy smile. A couple of minutes passed with nothing happening.

Victoria pointed at a red car moving slowly into the parking lot. “There are our pigeons.” The car stopped. The assassins looked around. Victoria motioned to Harvard. “I think we should give them some help, Harvard. Are you ready to go for a walk? Don’t worry everybody; I assure you no one will get hurt.”

The pair walked out into the parking lot, right past the car full of surprised Russians. Harvard even waved to one of them, who smiled and waved back. Harvard pretended he was drunk and passed out on the hood of their car. That got a few laughs from the group.

The Russians tried to jump out of their car, but the doors wouldn’t open. The car rocked like there was a little too much K-Y Jelly on board. The patio group was laughing hard. Harvard and Victoria tried to help them open their stuck doors. Harvard pretended to call a tow truck. He ignored the Russians, who were motioning an emphatic “no.”

Harvard looked over and waved to the patio group to come and help them. The D.A. picked up a large rock and threw it at the windshield but it just bounced off. The Russians were going crazy inside the car.

Soon, a tow truck pulled up right in front of the Russian car. Harvard talked to Victoria a moment and then walked over and opened the tow truck door. The tow truck driver fell out of the truck right on his head, drunk.

Harvard helped him to his feet and talked to him and pointed at the Russian’s car. The tow truck driver nodded and brought out a crowbar. The Russians sighed with relief but instead of prying the doors, he jumped up on the roof and slammed the crowbar into the windows, but they wouldn’t break.

This scared the crap out of the Russians. They were relieved when Harvard took the bar away from him. The driver went to his truck and fished around. He brought out a twelve-gauge shotgun. He waved to the Russians to duck down. He blasted at several windows, but they didn’t break. Finally after several minutes, he ran out of slugs and had to stop.

He and Harvard hooked the car to the front of the tow truck instead of the back. The driver grabbed a six-pack of beer out of the front seat of his truck and chugged all six beers. He crushed each can on his forehead. He looked dazed.

The D.A. found another pack of beer on the front seat of the tow truck. He offered them to the driver. The driver repeated the routine of chugging all six beers. He was definitely starting to get drunk.

The tow truck driver had to be physically pushed back into the truck. He started it and proceeded to push the Russian car down the interstate, going the wrong direction with huge white sparks flying everywhere. Everyone watched the truck disappear and soon heard gunshots.

The D.A. looked concerned. Victoria laughed. “Don’t worry, Walt, nobody will get injured. The group went inside for dinner. Nancy said it was the best play she had ever seen. Victoria laughed. “Those were real assassins, Nancy.”

She laughed loudly. “Sure they were, dear. I wasn’t born yesterday.”

Antonio ran over. “The police just arrested four Russian mobsters who crashed into a pig farm just off the interstate.”

Nancy laughed hard. “He is in on it, too? So we heard, Antonio.”

Brady chuckled and shook his head. “So, who was driving the truck?”

Victoria chuckled. “Oh, that was my grandfather. He managed to drag himself away from his stupid chess tournament for us.” They retreated back inside to eat. There was a lot of talk about history. The conversation was interesting but a little far out for Nancy.

Nancy was curious. “Why do you guys keep asking Victoria about historical events? She is just a little girl.”

Walt asked her innocently, “Dear, has she gotten any details incorrect?”

Nancy thought a second. “Well, no. But she talks about events like she was there at them.” She looked around the table and saw everyone smiling at her. She laughed. “Oh come on. Are you going to tell me she is Dr. Who’s daughter?” Everyone laughed hard at that one.

Victoria chuckled. “Actually, that is pretty close. Walt and I, with the help of my owl, Snowflake, have set up your anniversary present.” Everyone went to the banquet room that was unused that night.

Victoria handed a CD to Walt. “Why don’t you plug it in, Walt.” She had a devious smile on her face that scared Walt a bit. Walt had seen the Red Baron CD and saw the label “Baron two” on this one. It started out with the Baron talking to the camera in German. He then walked to the plane with a little girl.

Nancy laughed. “There are some videos with the Red Baron known to exist.”

Victoria smiled. “Not this one, Nancy.” The triplane took off and did numerous tricks. There was a camera mounted near the tail. The little girl turned around several times, laughing. It was Victoria.

The pilot turned around several times also. It was the Red Baron. The plane landed and the pair got out of the plane and joined a group of people. It was them. The Baron took Walt up and performed the same routine.

They returned to the group. Nancy could be seen changing her watch time to match a German pilot standing by her. The film ended with the Baron handing Walt his gloves and goggles. The CD ended and the room was silent. Nancy laughed. “Oh come on. That is not possible.”

“Maybe this will help.” said Victoria. She tossed some gloves and goggles on the table. “I got these a year ago. You might check your watch, Nancy. It should be six hours off.”

The D.A. thought a moment. “Wait a minute. How come we do not remember any of it?”

Matt laughed. “That is because we haven’t gone yet.”

Victoria nodded. “Top marks for Mr. MIT.” Victoria looked out the window at Snowflake. “You’re kidding me; another one? She sighed. “We have to go outside so someone else can try to kill Harvard.” They are waiting in the trees by your car, Harvard.

The D.A. was upset. “Wait. Are you crazy?”

Harvard laughed. “Don’t worry, sir. I don’t stay dead.” He walked like he was slightly drunk to his car.

Victoria yelled, “And will you try to remember to ask why he is killing you this time?”

The D.A.’s jaw dropped. “This has happened before?”

Victoria piped up. “Yes sir, but only once so far.” Two men came out of the woods with guns. Harvard walked over to his car.

Harvard saw them and laughed and asked, “Could you at least tell me why you’re going to kill me?”

An old well-dressed man stepped forward. “You don’t recognize me, detective? I was in the limo you passed going to the Big Red murder site. You saw me and I saw you. Sooner or later, you would have recognized me from my posters.”

Harvard laughed. “Sir I never saw you before in my life.”

Abel nodded. “Carl, remind me to increase my poster saturation for this district.” He turned back towards Harvard. “I shot Big Red’s two friends. They were the real bosses. He was a puppet. I liked killing them. I am a hands-on kind of guy.”

Harvard chuckled. “I know you now. You are Senator Abel. I suppose it would be an honor to be shot by the next president.”

Abel bowed. “It would be my honor, sir.” He shot Harvard between the eyes. The bullet went through Harvard’s Corvette’s front window, setting off the alarm.

The D.A. tried to run out and help Harvard, but a chuckling Matt grabbed his arm. The men checked Harvard for recorders and left quickly. Snowflake sat in the tree and hooted once. A slightly blue light shimmered across Harvard. He stood up and saw his smashed window.

Harvard whispered under his breath, “I’ll get you for breaking my window asshole.” He walked back to his friends. “Good, I have witnesses. What happened after I was shot?”

Walt chuckled. “Well, um... the owl hooted once and there as a blue flash. Then you got up and walked back over here.”

Harvard yelled. “What? But when she fixed my legs, I got hit by lightning twice.”

Victoria looked at the owl and started laughing. “Snowflake says you were so psyched for a dramatic event that she didn’t have the heart to disappoint you.” Everyone laughed.

The damaged red Toyota full of Russians could not be opened and was towed back to the police garage as-is. The police tried crowbars but failed to open it. The pig stench was overpowering.

The police drew straws to see who would use the Jaws of Life to open up the door. They brought down extra officers, in case the Russians got any bright ideas.

The watch commander shook his head. “Boy, these guys are wired. They should lay off the espresso. They would make Dave proud.” They got out with their hands up and were happy to get arrested.

The disgusted sergeant complained, “Boy, sir, they all stink.” The leader meekly approached the commander with his hands up. “Lock us up, please. We tried to kill Lieutenant Harvard again.” The commander brought him into the interrogation room after a quick hose-down and an orange jumper clothing change.

A curious group of officers gathered outside the viewing window. The leader, Yuri, was brought a decaf coffee and a handful of breath mints.

The commander told the sergeant to video the interview. He yawned and said, “Okay, Yuri, let’s get to it. What do you mean by ‘you tried to kill him again’? Where did you fail the first time?”

The Russian looked insulted. “We didn’t fail the first time. What? You think we are amateurs or something? We killed him Tuesday. We take his fingerprints and picture with ten bullet holes in chest. Harvard was our hundredth kill.”

He smiled. “Our boss threw us big party with girls, drugs, and vodka; you know, the whole nine yards. The boss says the senators paid fifty big ones. Usually, we get twenty-five, but he was police officer so we get big bonus.

Next morning, there was nothing in the papers. Boss says are we sure he was dead? Well, I say ten shots in chest and double head tap. We cut artery no blood comes out. Fingerprints match. What you think? So everything seemed hunky dory.”

He ate another breath mint. “Well, that night, senator calls boss and says the dead cop just ate dinner at next table at the Red Lobster. He tells boss, ‘you idiots kill wrong man.’ Boss tells him ‘you verified the finger prints.’”

He sighed. “So, boss makes us go tonight to kill him again. He would be at Red Lobster at seven o’clock.”

The commander nodded. “So you did fail to kill him the first time.”

The Russian sighed, “What, you get badge from cereal box or something?” There was loud laughing behind the screen. The commander looked at the mirror and it stopped immediately. The Russian repeated, “We are professionals. He was D-E-A-D.”

He lit a cigarette, “Boss says, ‘Senator says he will be at Red Lobster and to kill everybody there because he likes killing.’ Boss says either he dead by morning or we dead by morning. So we go to Red Lobster. Then everything get, how you say...weird.”

The commander asked, “We are recording this, right sergeant?”

He smiled. “You bet your sweet ass.” He got a nasty stare. He gulped. “Sir!”

The commander shook his head and sighed. He turned back to the Russian. “Okay, then what happened?”

Yuri laughed. “Well, then we enter Twilight Zone. We drive into parking lot and load all our guns. We are going to go in and kill everybody. We park car and look up, here comes Lieutenant Harvard, the guy we killed Tuesday, and a little girl.”

He puffed on the cigarette. “He is drunk out of his mind. Little girl is holding him up. This is going to be what you call piece of cake, right? Wrong. Drunken detective passes out on our car hood after waving at us. Gregor waved back at him.”

He chuckled. “Little girl pulled him up and they walk by our rental car. We try to jump out of car but none of the doors will open. We no rent Japanese car ever again. Gregor shoot at window but bullet bounce off and hit Petrov in the ass.”

Yuri pounded his fist on the table. “We not have bulletproof glass on rental. What kind of country is this? Little girl and dead guy try to help us open doors so we can shoot them. Do you believe that? They won’t open, so then they wave to friends on patio to come help.”

The Russian sighed and continued his story. “Three detectives and the D.A. himself come over to help. They all stand there, laughing at us. The D.A. picks up a rock and bounces it off the windshield. The dead guy called a tow truck.”

He sighed. “Then things get weirder.”

The commander asked the sergeant again, “You’re sure we’re recording?”

“You bet... we are, sir.”

The commander nodded to the Russian. He smiled. “So here comes the tow truck they ordered; it got there quick. It stopped and the drunk driver fell out and landed on his head. What he think, he in Russia? Everybody is having good time laughing at us. The D.A. helps the guy up and brushes him off. They tell him the doors are stuck. He nods head and gets crowbar; finally someone with a brain, right? Wrong. He jumps on the roof and starts hitting the windows hard for five freaking minutes.”

He sighed. “Finally, the dead guy stops him. We finally feel safe. They talk a lot. The D.A. finds a shotgun in the truck and gives to the driver. He smiles and gives us a thumb up. The driver fires ten rounds point blank at windows. He finally ran out of cartridges, thank God. Then dead guy and idiot driver hook up our car to the front of tow truck. We are screaming bloody murder.

They stopped and talked. Truck driver took six-pack of beer out of his front seat and chugged all the cans. He then laughs and crushes the beer cans on his forehead. Those were freaking steel cans, not the aluminum ones. The guy could hardly stand.

The D.A. checks the truck and finds another six-pack of beer for him to drink and he does the same thing. The D.A. and the dead guy push him back in truck. He wakes up and waves to the D.A. He starts pushing our car down highway the wrong way. He drove straight at all honking cars.”

He shook his head and laughed. “They continued honking at him and he waved another can of beer out the window at them. The driver got up to about sixty. Our car was sparking big-time. The driver finally saw the sparks and opened the truck door to see what was happening. He fell out onto road and was run over by a big fuel truck. So did truck stop... you kidding me, of course not. It went two more miles with no driver. Then right tire blew out and we crash into pig farm. End of story. Now, lock me up please.”

The Brady group went back inside and watched the Little Bighorn CD. There were a few questions but not too many.

Victoria cleared her throat. “Since you did so well with that, we are ready for the main event of the evening. Is everyone game?” It got very quiet. Victoria laughed. “Look guys, Brady is going; how dangerous could it be?”

Brady chuckled. “Oh, that was very funny.” She giggled and led the group out to the patio again. There was a blue flash and a rush of ice cold air hit them. The ground was swaying.

Matt shivered. “I’m freezing my butt off. Where are we: the North Pole?” Victoria looked over at Nancy in the dim lighting. She was slowly looking around.

Her stare stopped on a life preserver. Nancy whispered. “This is not possible. We can’t be on the Titanic.” She covered her mouth with her hand and started shaking and hyperventilating.

Victoria chuckled. “Don’t think, Nancy. Just take deep breaths slowly.” After a minute, Victoria continued. “Okay, everyone look out at the passengers on deck and pick an outfit you like.” They looked out at the passengers, who were staring out into the frigid darkness.

Victoria asked, “Okay, everyone dressed, Snowflake? Snowflake?” She got a reluctant hoot. “I’ll lead since I have... Brady!”

He had on a bright red dress to match his red face. He stuttered, “I, I liked the color.”

Mrs. B. laughed, “Damn, honey.” Everyone laughed.

Victoria giggled, “Sorry, Brady, Snowflake couldn’t help herself.” There was a blue flash and Brady was wearing a suit. Victoria led the group into the first class dining area. It was impressive. There were American Beauty roses everywhere. Hanging from the ceiling was a great crystal chandelier.

The head waiter greeted them with a bow. “Good to see you, Miss Victoria.”

Victoria smiled at him. “Good evening, Herbert. We will have just the dessert menu, please.” Nancy was trying not to cry. Victoria whispered to her, “They are already dead, Nancy. This is one of those events in history we aren’t allowed to change.”

Nancy nodded, sniffed and looked at the menu. “Look at this menu: Waldorf pudding, French ice creams, and peaches in Chartreuse jelly.” They had dessert and drinks.

Herbert came over afterwards and put a cup, saucer, and dinner menu in front of Nancy. “Miss Victoria thought you might like these to remember your cruise. I hope they meet with your satisfaction,” he said with a smile and a bow. There was a slight shudder.

Nancy gushed, “They are wonderful. Thank you, Herbert. By the way Herbert, what is the date?”

He said, “Why, it is the fifteenth, madam.” An officer walked quickly over to the captain at the head table and whispered in his ear. He nodded, waved the man off, and kept eating.

The group went up on the deck. Victoria sighed, “Take a last look. And so it begins.”

Moments later, they found themselves back at the Red Lobster. They walked back inside and were surprised that they were in period clothing.

Victoria chuckled. “Genuine attire from the Titanic and the box on the table is Brady’s.” Brady turned red as he looked inside the box. Victoria smirked at his red face. “Actually, they didn’t have your size, Brady, but they did have Nancy’s.” Brady sighed in relief and shoved the box over to Nancy.

Nancy whispered, “It really happened?”

Walt chuckled, “Happy anniversary, dear!”

Victoria laughed. “Okay, next week is Custer’s Last Stand and the Big Bang.” Matt gave her a shocked look. “I’m just kidding, Matt. Contrary to public opinion, there wasn’t a Big Bang. We will be revisiting the ELE event that ended the dinosaurs.”

Nancy asked, “Didn’t you say you already did that?”

Victoria smirked. “Yes...well, the officers were there once before, but they don’t remember it. This time I will make sure they do.” Brady swallowed a gulp.

The next day, Dave came running into the squad room. He gushed, “You will never guess whose limo that was in the video.” Matt chuckled. “Was it perhaps…Senator Abel?”

Dave yelled, “You assholes knew and let me work all night enhancing the picture?”

Brady laughed, “We didn’t know whose car it was until last night.”

Yuri heard about the failed assassination attempt and that his men had implicated an unknown senator. He thought it would be wise to take out the senator before he took him out. Apparently, great minds think alike.

A bullet smashed through his back window and buried into the dashboard of his Shelby, right through the official Carroll Shelby silver autograph. Yuri screamed, “Shit! Now it is my turn, senator.”

A loud laugh erupted from a hill four hundred yards away. Mr. Wonderful whispered to the owl, “That ought to stir the pot, Snowflake.” He got one enthusiastic hoot.

Meanwhile, Senator Abel found his surprise on his way to his car. He started to speed dial one of his teenage girlfriends and his car exploded. In his e-mail box was a message with a Senate letterhead from his pal, Senator Howard. “That’s for killing my sniper, you son of a bitch.”

Two hours later, Senator Howard was happily watching himself on television when his apartment got raked by fifty-caliber machine gun rounds. He looked out the window and saw an antique red triplane pass overhead and disappear in the mist. Walter chuckled, “That ought to make for an exciting evening on the news.”

The television in the squad room had a banner on the bottom about the attempted assassination of Senator Howard. A few minutes later, another banner said a Russian mob figure survived an attempted assassination of his own while he was driving on the interstate. He said he had no idea who shot at him, but he was not very convincing.

Ten minutes later, Senator Abel came on the television and accused Senator Howard of trying to kill him by blowing up his limo. All the detectives turned and looked at Victoria, who was innocently sipping a chocolate milkshake.

She looked up at them with surprise, “It wasn’t me, boys. But thanks for the thought.”

Brady asked, “Could Snowflake have done it?”

Victoria giggled, “Certainly, she could. I assure you she didn’t.”

Matt laughed. “Well, someone is helping us.”

Victoria nodded coyly. “So it would seem.”

The next day, Matt yawned, “Well, I guess it is time to bring in our bad guys for interviews.”

Brady asked, “We have the tapes we got in the mail to play for them?” Matt nodded and played them for the detectives. Grogan laughed. “I’ll have our three turkeys come in this afternoon. I think the Tribune would like to know the good news.” Matt set up the interview room with recorders and two extra chairs.

The bad guys arrived, pushing through a mob of reporters who seemed to know a lot about their business. The three men were put in a room together. The two politicians greeted each other like long-lost brothers. The Russian just laughed at them.

Matt walked into the room. “We would like to diffuse this before all the press smells blood.”

Senator Howard nodded, “Bravo, detective. You did that without even smiling.”

Matt chuckled. “Well, what can I say? The press must have gotten an anonymous tip.”

Howard shook his head sarcastically. “Boy, you guys are going to have a God-awful phone bill. Okay, you dragged us down here; what can we do for you?”

Matt kept a straight face. “The Tribune received a box of three tapes that appear to us to be you three pals admitting to crimes. They immediately turned them over to us to investigate the authenticity; you know, do little things like a voice analysis and stress test before they print the text in the papers.”

The politicians looked warily at each other. The Russian just watched them and chuckled. Howard smiled and said, “Okay, let’s hear them. We are all ears.”

Matt nodded, “That’s fine with us.” He pushed the play button on the first recorder.

It was Howard’s voice. “I want my fifty thousand dollars back, Yuri.”

Yuri chuckled, “You only paid me to kill your nephew, not remove the bumper sticker, which was very funny. We killed him. You verified the finger prints.”

Howard swore at him. “Then why did I just see him eating at the Red Lobster one table away from me? You idiots killed the wrong man and the fingerprints could have come off his car.”

Matt turned off the recorder. “Any comments you would like to make?” No one moved. Howard stared at Yuri.

There was a tap on the window. Matt smiled at the three. “Excuse me for a moment, gentlemen; I have to talk to Harvard.” There was a definite flinch from Abel.

A couple minutes later, Matt came back in with a Coke and burped. He pushed the play button on the second recorder. Howard’s voice again was heard. “You heard me. That son of a bitch Abel tried to kill me. Take him out. He personally killed Tommy and Bill at Big Red’s murder. I will pay fifty thousand, double if it is done in twenty-four hours. If he kills me first, my brother will pay you.”

Matt yawned, “I need a candy bar. Anyone else want anything; possibly a weapon or two? No? Then sit tight, and no shooting each other in the interview room. We just had it cleaned.” He left and sat down to watch them through the window for a couple minutes. Nobody talked while he was out, so Matt started back in.

Victoria laughed, “Hold it there, Kemo-sabe.” She tossed Matt a male Hershey chocolate bar. He went back in and turned on the third recorder. It was Abel’s voice. “You don’t remember me, do you, detective? I was in the limo you passed on the way to the Big Red assassination. You saw me and I saw you. Big Red was a stooge. The real leaders of the faction, I shot. You see, I’m a hands-on kind of guy.”

Abel stood up. “We checked; there were no recorders!” There was a knock on the door and Harvard walked in.

He looked at Abel and chuckled, “I thought you could use another Coke, Matt.”

Matt opened it. “Thanks, Harvard.”

Abel started wailing. “You’re dead; I shot you! The gun was two inches away.” Two officers dragged him away.

Matt turned to the other two. “I will see you two guys soon... one way or another.”

Howard smiled, “Only in your dreams, detective.”

Matt smiled. “I didn’t say alive.”

Howard chuckled, “My exact thoughts, detective.”

Matt waved them out. “You two gentlemen can leave. Maybe you could share a cab.”

Senator Howard stood and stared at the Russian. “I’ll see you soon, Yuri.”

Yuri smiled, “Great! I will open a couple cold ones.”

Grogan laughed outside the window. “One sleazebag down and two to go.”

Howard walked to his car. “I’ll have to send the police a thank you letter.” He got a phone call. “You have the target on the satellite? Good, he deserves to die for painting a Shelby lime green.”

He had an idea. “Use the prototype bazooka on him. We might as well kill two birds with one stone. Good luck, General. Call me when it is done.” He hung up and chuckled, “For now, anyway.”