The Christmas List: A Novel

It was nearly ten o’clock, and Sara was getting ready for bed when her phone rang. She smiled when she saw the name on the caller ID. “Hi, sweetheart. How was your day?”

“I’ve got a problem,” Jimmy said.

Sara’s smile fell. “What kind of problem?”

“Juliet wants to have the reception at Le Jardin.”

“I know. She told me.”

“So what do I do?”

“I don’t understand what the problem is. Juliet seemed very happy.”

“Oh, she’s over the moon. Especially when they told her they’d give us the space at no charge. I just don’t get it. When I offered to pay for the reception she got mad.”

Sara sighed. “It’s not the same thing,” she said. “We own Le Jardin, so getting it free doesn’t feel like she’s insulting her parents by suggesting they can’t afford it. Jimmy, Le Jardin’s a beautiful place. It doesn’t matter where your wedding is, it just matters that you two are together.”

“I don’t want him at my wedding,” he blurted out.

“Him? You mean your father?”

“Yes, my father. Juliet thinks not inviting him is a mistake. Especially now since we’re having it at Le Jardin.” He exhaled in exasperation, then said more calmly, “What do you think?”

“It doesn’t matter what I think.”

“It matters to me.”

“If you really want to know, Jimmy, I agree with Juliet.”

Jimmy didn’t respond.

“I know it’s hard between you and your father, but this is a chance to mend things.”

“I don’t get it, Mom. After all he’s done to you, why do you still defend him? Why can’t we just move on?”

Sara’s voice softened. “Because in spite of all that’s happened, a part of me still loves him.”

Jimmy was stunned. “How could you still love him?”

“Because I choose to. And I choose to because I know him. I know who he really is, even if he’s forgotten.” Sara lay back on her bed and sighed. “I wish we could have this conversation in person, Jimmy. All you know of your father is a profit-obsessed, ruthless businessman who was never there for you. But he wasn’t always that way.

“We were poor as church mice when we got married. But we were in love and we thought we had all we needed. Back then your father was generous to a fault. Once, he overheard me talking to a neighbor after her husband lost his job. He talked me into using what little savings we had to fill their cupboards with groceries. He never turned anyone away. I used to get mad at him about it.”

“You got mad at Dad for being too generous?”

“Long ago, I did. But he was a good man. And I knew that I’d rather have a good husband than a rich one.

“He was a good father too. He doted over you. He would come home after a hard day at work and you would run to him. He loved that. He’d swing you around and you’d both be laughing. Half the time you wouldn’t even come to me. Do you remember any of that?”

Jimmy turned quiet. “I have some memories.”

“His dream was to be a guidance counselor for troubled youth. Most people assume your dad was a business major. He wasn’t. He has a major in social work. After he graduated he went back for his master’s.

“It wasn’t easy. We were struggling to make ends meet and pay for college. I was working as a secretary at a law office for twelve hundred a month. Then I got pregnant. We had no idea how we would make it, but we were excited to start our family. We just had faith that things would work out. But then I had complications with the pregnancy and I had to stop working. Back in those days we used to put our money in a pickle jar. I remember one Sunday evening just sitting there looking at that jar and wondering how we were going to eat. I counted it over and over like it would change the amount. I still remember how much was in the jar: twenty-two dollars and seventy-four cents. I was sick and helpless and worried and it was killing your father. He felt so guilty. I’ll never forget the night he said, ‘It’s too much. It’s too much.’ It was a pivotal moment for all of us.

“He called his father and was on the construction site the next day. He quit school in the middle of the semester. He never went back.”

“His father, Grandpa James, was thrilled. He was always unhappy about Dad’s choice of career. In fact, when Dad went back for his master’s, his father didn’t speak to him for nearly six months. It was hard on your dad. Like most sons he wanted to please his father, but Grandpa was pretty clear about how disappointed he was with him.”

“Like Dad is with me?”

Sara hesitated. “Yes, like Dad is with you. You have to understand, Jimmy, that sometimes people try to validate their own decisions, good and bad, by enforcing on others what they’ve imposed on themselves. To support you in your dream would be to admit your father gave up on his own. That’s a hard thing for anyone to stomach. It doesn’t make it right, but it’s true.”

Jimmy countered, “If giving up his dream was so painful, then why is Dad so against mine? If anyone should understand it should be him.”

“I know, sweetheart, but it just doesn’t work that way. Leaving his dream behind wasn’t what your father wanted, it’s what he believed was right for his family. That’s a noble thing. He sacrificed what he wanted for us. Then you were born and he worked all the harder. He wanted to give us a good life. He wanted me to feel secure. He wanted all of us to have a future. We built a nice little nest egg. We bought our first home.” Sara smiled fondly in recollection, her pleasure was reflected in her voice. “It was tiny, but we made it nice, we had a nice little garden in back and tulip beds in front. Those were good days. We would go on long Sunday walks around Sugar House Park pushing you in your stroller. We’d bring stale bread to feed the ducks. We were a family.”

Sara’s voice fell. “It was about this time that your dad was approached by one of the developers he had been doing work for. This man and a couple lawyers were working on a development and they offered to bring him in. We were excited. We thought we had finally hit the big time.

“I remember listening in when your Dad called his father and told him about the deal. It was the first and only time I ever heard his father say that he was proud of him.

“But what we thought was our big break, wasn’t. We thought his new partners were good men. One of them even went to our church. We didn’t have the experience to understand that they were really just using us.

“His partners knew it was a risky deal, that’s why they brought in Dad. They not only took our nest egg, but they were setting Dad up to take the fall in case things didn’t work out. And they didn’t. The development failed and his partners left him holding the bag. The creditors came after us. They put liens against our home; they harangued us day and night. His so-called partners made sure that he had signed on everything. While they skipped on to the next deal, we lost everything we had built up, including our home. Those were awful days. Dad was depressed. He started second-guessing everything he did. He asked my advice on the smallest of decisions. It was as if he’d completely lost faith in himself. Those men had broken his spirit.

“But even in those dark days, his goodness prevailed. He tried to do the right thing, the honorable thing. He negotiated payment with all the creditors and slowly paid them off.

“Your father showed his true self in other ways. In the middle of this mess one of his carpenters was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Your dad kept him on as long as he could, even when he could barely do his job. Then, when the man couldn’t work anymore, Dad hired his wife. He kept her even when we were struggling to get by.”

“Linda,” Jimmy said.

“That’s right,” said Sara.

“I’ve always wondered why she’s stuck with him for so long.”

I kept telling your dad to go after those men, to get them to help pay off the debt, but he just said they didn’t care. He was right. They wouldn’t even take his calls.

“Finally, I think because of my nagging, he went to one of the men’s offices and confronted him. The man just laughed him off. He told Dad that he got what he deserved—that only a fool didn’t look after himself first and that someday he would thank him for the lesson.

“He told your dad that business had nothing to do with what a man should do, only what a man could do. And if the weak tree falls, it was so the stronger tree could rise. Eat or be eaten.

“Your father didn’t come home that night, nor the next. I remember holding you on the couch, sobbing and praying that he would come home safe. I didn’t care about our debt or our house; I just cared about him. You were four, and you kept asking me why I was crying and where Daddy was. I was terrified that something bad had happened to him. Or that he had done something to himself.

“He returned three days later; to this day I don’t know where he went. What frightened me the most was that he acted as if nothing had happened. But something had. Something profound.

“Your father went back to work with a vengeance. He started working seven days a week, staying late every night. It took him almost three years to pay off the debt those men left us, but he did it. Only when he finished he wasn’t the same man. He was stronger and smarter but he was angry.”

“I’d be angry too,” Jimmy said.

“Anyone would. The problem is, his anger wasn’t really about those men. It was about himself. He hated himself for being so trusting and naive and letting them walk all over him. And that’s a more dangerous type of anger. It changed the way he saw everything and everyone because it had changed the way he saw himself.”

Sara’s voice cracked. “Eventually that anger grew strong enough to drive a wedge between us. I should have seen it coming; maybe I did, but I just didn’t think it was possible. It’s ironic that the thing he did to save our family ended up tearing us apart. But don’t forget, your father never intended for it to be this way, Jimmy. That’s not who he was.”

Jimmy was quiet. “I don’t know the man you’re describing.”

“You still have time to get to know him.”

“I’m sorry, Mom, but I think the time’s passed.”

“No,” she said firmly, “it’s not over.”

“So, if he came back to you right now, would you take him?”

“It depends on which man came back. If it was the man I fell in love with, I would, with all my heart.”