The Brightest Light of Sunshine

The day before Maddie’s Christmas recital, I’m not surprised to find out my mother has decided not to go but it still pisses me off enough to dampen my mood.

“I’m just too tired from work, Samuel,” she told me over the phone when I asked her for the very last time. Like a fool, I was being too hopeful. “But you can film her on your phone, will you? I still want to see her.”

Then drag your ass from the fucking couch and come with me is what I want to tell her. Instead I say, “Sure.”

And there’s that. Nothing too surprising here.

Last week I mentioned it to Pete as well on the off chance that he suddenly decided to act like a proper father and support his daughter. Our conversation went like this:

“You want to come to Maddie’s ballet recital next Friday?”

He didn’t even look away from the TV. “How long will that thing last?”

“Around two hours. Probably less.”

“I’ll pass.”

I’ll pass.

If I didn’t slam his head against the fucking screen was only because I wasn’t in the mood to deal with the consequences.

By the time the big day comes, though, I’ve shoved all the hurt away for Maddie’s sake. And my own.

She asked about her parents coming to cheer her on, naturally, and although she didn’t make a fuss about them not showing up it still broke my fucking heart to tell her it was just going to be me in the audience.

I’ll never forgive neither of them for this.

“How are you feeling, peanut?” I crouch in front of my sister, unzipping her puffy jacket before I drop her off at the back entrance of the local theater so she can get ready for her performance. When I spot Grace at the door, ushering little girls and boys inside, I wink at her and her cheeks flush.

“I’m a little nervous.” Maddie bites down on her lower lip. “Sammy, do you think I can do it?”

“I know it, Maddie.” I cradle her whole face in the palm of my hand, and she leans into the touch. “And I’m not just saying it because you’re my little sister, but because you’re an amazing princess-ballerina. Just remember to have fun. That’s all that matters.”

Without warning, she throws her arms around my neck. “I love you, Sammy. You’re the best big brother ever.”

A lump forms in my throat, and I swallow past it. “I love you too, Mads. More than I love anyone else.”

She gasps. “More than Grace?”

I chuckle as I tuck her brown hair behind her ears. “I love you both in different ways,” I explain. Saying that I love Grace out loud doesn’t feel the least bit weird at all. “But yes, baby, I love you even more than I love Grace. More than anyone. You’re my number one person in the world, don’t ever forget it.”

She gives me a big smile followed by a loud kiss on my cheek. I drop her off with the promise of something yummy for dinner when she comes back home with me tonight. With us.

Maddie runs straight to Grace, who kneels to whisper something in her ear that makes her laugh. Both turn their heads in my direction and giggle, a secret passing between them that I’m not privy of.

My heart swells until it fucking hurts to keep breathing, and I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone so much in my life.

My sister and my girlfriend, the air I breathe and the sunshine that feeds my soul. It hits me then—there’s simply no way I could live without them. They give me a reason to wake up every morning, to be a better man.

If anything happened to them…

I stop my thoughts before they trespass forbidden territory. I refuse to go there, not when everything is so damn perfect right now it’s a struggle to believe it’s real.

After Grace ushers Maddie inside, I hop back into my car and drive to the shop for my last appointment of the day. The recital doesn’t start for another few hours, so I have more than enough time to finish work.

Last night, Grace told me they require the girls to get there early so each group can rehearse on the actual stage at least a couple of times to get familiar with the layout. Also, because they’re so little it takes all the patience in the world to help them with their outfits and hair. Maddie was super excited for Grace to do her bun.

Three hours later, I’m finally sitting in the very crowded theater. I don’t think I can spot a single empty seat from here. I knew TDP was popular in Warlington—when I looked for a ballet studio, I made sure it was the best—but holy shit. Apparently, it’s not just parents and friends that come to this thing, but talent scouts as well.

So yes, The Dance Palace is the shit.

The fact that my sunshine is talented enough to work here only fills my chest with even more pride.

The first group starts at four sharp, and because Maddie belongs to the younger groups, hers is the second performance of the afternoon. Excitement and pride fill my chest, and I completely forget about taking out my phone and filming the whole thing. My eyes are glued on my little sister, shining like a star as she follows the routine.

It’s too fucking adorable.

She waves her hands and points her feet, a perpetual smile on her face, and I’m relieved she doesn’t feel scared at all. Maddie’s not a shy kid, but there are a shit ton of people here and it would be understandable if she got nervous. But no—she follows the choreography with ease, and when she bumps into one of her friends her only reaction is to giggle and move on.

Seeing how happy and in her element she looks out there, dancing with her friends like it’s a fun game… I could cry right now.

This is what I want for her. Unconditional love. Total happiness. A normal life.

I know it’s unrealistic to expect her to always be joyful—I’m not that delusional. But there’s a difference between being a happy person who has bad days, and harboring a sad heart and being distracted by temporary happiness.

If Maddie moving in with me is what it will take to give her that kind of normalcy, so be it.

Once the performance ends, I clap and cheer for her as loudly as I can, not caring about the side looks from all the stuck-up parents around me. I want my princess to know she killed it.

The only downside to my sister dancing so soon into the event is that I still have another hour of this to get through without any real excitement. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the art of ballet and I find it beautiful—more so now that both of my girls are into it. Some of the songs are catchy, even. Who would’ve thought classical music had some solid bangers?

A while later the owner of TPD, who’s also been introducing each group before they come up on stage, announces the last performance of the night.

And when the dancers get on stage, I lose my breath.

Grace is right in the middle of the stage, clad in a beautiful white and gold ballerina outfit that makes her look all the more angelic.

The music starts, and I’m completely and utterly mesmerized by her elegant moves. I’ve never seen her dance beyond those times she dances with Maddie at home, but she wasn’t like this. Majestic like a swan, gentle like the touch of a feather, and so bloody talented it makes me wonder why she’s not a professional ballet dancer instead.

My heart fills with the promise of undying love as I watch her. So confident, so breathtaking, so graceful. Her own name has never fitted her this well. I’m so dumbfounded by her that I can’t even bring myself to cheer along with everyone else when their performance ends. I only have eyes for her, her beautiful smile and the twinkle in her eyes as she waves to the crowd and bows.

After everyone fills the stage again to say goodbye and I cheer for Maddie again, I follow the crowd of eager parents outside to wait for the girls.

The second Maddie spots me, she sprints in my direction, and I catch her in my arms. “You did so well, princess. I’m so proud of you.”

I pepper her warm cheek with loud kisses, and she laughs. “You’re proud?”

“Of course, I am. You’re my little girl, I’ll always be proud of you.”

She beams at me and I lower her to the ground, grabbing her hand. “Let’s wait for Grace, and then all three of us are going home and eating some hot dogs. Sounds good?”

As she jumps happily, I don’t think my life has ever felt so full.

***

It’s not until we have dinner and Maddie dances around the living room for a bit to wear off her excitement that I can finally put her to bed and have Grace all to myself.

I keep the door to my room ajar, just like every time Maddie sleeps over so she can come for me if something happens, but my burning hands find her waist and pull her against the wall all the same. “You didn’t tell me you were dancing tonight,” I whisper, our foreheads pressed together.

She runs her hands along my arms, a trail of goosebumps spreading on their way. “I’m sorry I kept it from you, but I never tell anybody. I hate all the attention.”

“It’s all right.” I kiss her nose. “You killed it anyway.”

“Thank you.” She smiles sheepishly.

“I wasn’t prepared for the angelic sight of you in that stage,” I whisper roughly in her ear. “So, be a good girl and give me a warning next time, yeah?”

“Yeah.” I can practically hear the arousal in her throaty voice.

“Good.” Knowing my sister is sleeping on the other side of the apartment and we can’t do anything tonight, I give her a quick peck on the lips and pull away before our tension escalates. “Want to watch a movie?”

“Sure.”

Once we’ve changed into more comfortable clothes and Grace’s had a shower, we climb under the covers. When I hold her in my arms, I forget all about the movie. “I’m gonna miss you,” I whisper, burying my nose in the familiar strawberry scent of her hair. I bought this shampoo specifically for her since I know she loves it so much.

She chuckles softly against my chest. “I’ll be gone for less than a week. You’ll hardly have time to miss me.”

“I beg to differ,” I say, hugging her closer. She’s flying out to her hometown in Canada for the holidays to see her dads, and I’m a selfish prick who wants to keep her all for himself. “Want to do something special for New Year’s?”

“Sure. What did you have in mind?”

My lips graze her forehead. “I could book a table in some fancy restaurant…”

“Yeah?” she prompts, amused.

“We could watch the fireworks…”

“Uh-huh.”

I shift on the bed so I’m on top of her, caging her small body under mine. She laughs as I bury my face in her neck, tickling her with my stubbled cheek. “Or we could stay at home so you can spread your legs like a good girl and let me have my first meal of the year.”

She throws her head back in laughter, and I can’t help but chuckle as well. “Oh, Sammy, you’re naughty.”

“Is that a yes, then?”

“It’s a hell yes, babe.”

I kiss her again and force myself to pull away once more. We still have tomorrow to fool around before she leaves, and I’m not risking my sister walking in on us. I can’t imagine a more mortifying experience.

Grace sighs placidly when I wrap her in my arms again and press play on the movie, which paired with the wear of today’s high emotions lulls us to sleep in minutes.

It isn’t until much, much later that a faint whimper pulls me out of the darkness.

At first I think it’s only a product of my dreams, until a powerful instinct makes all the alarms go off inside my brain.

When I peel my eyes open, I see a small shadow standing near the foot of my bed. I blink once, twice, and the shadow transforms into my little sister.

I jerk up and reach for her, sleep long vanished from my system. “What are you doing here, princess? Is everything okay?”

That whimper again. She comes closer and I notice she’s holding Monkey firmly on her grip. “Nightmare,” she mutters.

“Come here, baby.”

I haul her up since the bed is too high for her to climb on and hug her tightly against my chest, rocking her back and forth. “It’s okay, Maddie. It was just a bad dream, nothing was real.”

The little hand that isn’t holding Monkey grips my t-shirt. “You… You left.”

My chest constricts with emotion. “I would never, ever, leave you. Never. You’re my little girl, remember?” I whisper and press a soft kiss on the crown of her head. “Try to fall back asleep, yeah?”

“Can I stay here?” she asks so quietly I almost miss it.

“Of course you can, peanut. Let’s get some sleep now.”

The bed shifts and a confused groan comes from my right side. “Cal? What’s going on?”

Before I can say a word, though, Maddie leaves my arms and settles between Grace and me. Facing her, she whispers, “I had a nightmare. Can I sleep with you?”

Grace’s eyes are barely open as she smooths a hand down Maddie’s hair, and my stomach flips. “‘Course you can, sweetheart. Want me to tell you a story?”

And so I watch, dumbfounded, as my girlfriend starts narrating in a lulling, calming voice, the story of Gracie and Sammy to my sister. Within minutes, Maddie is already snoring against her, and Grace’s words slowly fade into silence as she falls asleep too.

Fuck me if I don’t know now.

Fuck me if I don’t know, without a single shade of a doubt, that Grace is so much more than the love of my damn life.

She’s my fucking soulmate.