The Brightest Light of Sunshine

A date. A freaking date with Cal. What am I supposed to do with my life now?

It’s not that I don’t want to go, but I’m confused. Only a few days ago he was telling me how he didn’t want a relationship while looking at me with the kind of love I’ve only read about in books.

Whatever we’re doing is stupid as hell, I know that. We’re friends, but we’re also something else neither of us are brave enough to put a label on. He’s not my boyfriend, all right, but he’s also not just my friend. Luke is just my friend. Em is just my friend.

I don’t go around kissing my friends, hooking up with them in random bathrooms and wishing they could show me what it feels like to be worshiped.

I trust Cal with my body, my heart and my soul.

And I’m tired of hiding it.

However, that’s not what I’m thinking about when I spot his car waiting for me in front of my building, or when I get into the passenger seat and greet him with the kind of smile only he pulls from me. No—instead, I turn around and high-five the little girl in the backseat, forgetting about the worries and the what-ifs.

“Ready, Maddie?” I ask her with a knowing grin.

“Ready!” she exclaims. “Sammy, let’s go! We’ll be late!”

“We won’t, princess,” he assures her in a calm voice as he starts the car. “We still have twenty minutes until it opens. Plenty of time.” God, he looks too hot when he’s so under control.

I could’ve picked any location for our date, and I almost went for the usual Italian restaurant until I realized we didn’t have to be boring. Not when Maddie, the least boring person I know, could tag along.

So after a quick search on the internet, I came across a kid-friendly farm not far from Warlington where we could go apple picking and visit the pet zoo. After getting his brotherly seal of approval, I booked three tickets and now here we are.

Clovester Farm sits on the bright green countryside, surrounded by breathtaking landscapes, and engulfed in chilly air. As soon as she gets out of the car, Maddie makes a beeline for the farm until Cal picks her up easily and sits her on top of the booth of the car, which makes her giggle.

My chest constricts with an inexplicable amount of warmth as he zips up her little jacket and gives her a pink wool hat she puts over her head.

“Grace, look! Princess hat,” she calls out to me with a level of excitement difficult to match.

“You look like a real princess, Maddie,” I beam at her and take my own hat from my bag. “Mine’s white, though. Do you think it’s still a princess hat?”

“Yes, because you look like a princess. Right, Sammy?”

Cal finishes up her zipper and gently sets her down on the ground again. “You both look like princesses.”

I give him a small smile as Maddie grabs my hand. “Come on! We’ll be late!”

She’s quick to grab Cal’s hand too, and just like that we’re rushing to the main entrance. He mouths a ‘sorry’ while his sister swings herself between us, jumping and urging us to walk faster. I shake my head, smiling, because the truth is that Maddie’s happiness is both contagious and what we need right now after a week of confusion and tumultuous feelings.

My poor heart still hasn’t decided whether this date means Cal has changed his mind about relationships, or if this is nothing but a friendly outing with his sister. Either way, I’m set on having fun. Nothing will ruin today for me, not even myself.

After grabbing a map of Clovester Farm and a basket for apple picking, Maddie lets go of our hands to run through the endless field. Families with children and couples stroll around us, and for a moment I wonder what it would feel like to lace our fingers together.

Is he holding back because of Maddie? Maybe he doesn’t want to make things awkward for her, or for me, or—

“Thank you for organizing this today,” he says after waving to his sister, who’s picked her first apple of the afternoon. He clears his throat before continuing, “It was very thoughtful to think of her.”

“Of course. I thought you’d want to spend time with her since it’s the weekend and all.” I lower my gaze to the green grass, hoping he won’t notice the blush on my cheeks. Even I know blaming it on the cold won’t work this time. “And I really like spending time with her. She’s a fun kid.”

He stops. “That… that means a lot to me, sunshine.”

I stop too, finally gathering the courage to look him in the eye. “Cal…”

“Sammy! Grace! Look!” Maddie’s excited voice breaks the moment and we both sober up at once. “There’s a worm in this apple!”

We both laugh before resuming our walk, and I take comfort in the fact that, for a second, Cal’s eyes twinkled while looking at me. He might not want to take this thing between us further, and I’m ready to accept it, but dammit if it doesn’t hurt. Because for the next hour or so, we walk through the fields together as if we’ve done this a million times before.

Maddie holds my hand and fills the comfortable silence with lively chatter about apples and animals and whatever pops into her little brain, and Cal takes a dozen pictures of her and then carries her on his shoulders on the way back because she’s too tired. And I can’t help but think that all of this feels so right.

I know Cal worries that I would feel left out if we were together because Maddie is and will always be his priority, that’s not the case at all. Jeez, I would be worried if he didn’t put the best thing that’s ever happened to him (in his own words) first. Maddie and I could both be important to him, only in different ways—but he doesn’t see it, and I’m not going to force him to change his mind.

I’d rather have Cal as my best friend—have him be with somebody else, even—than losing him completely. My heart wouldn’t be able to take it.

After we buy the apples we’ve picked, Maddie insists on visiting the petting zoo. However, once we’re there, she hides behind her brother’s legs when a goat tries to get close to her. Cal chuckles. “The animals just want to be your friends, see?” He kneels to pet the goat, who doesn’t so much as flinch at his touch.

“Look, Maddie, I’m doing it too.” I mimic Cal and pet another goat called Greer, according to its name tag. “They’re very friendly.”

One of the workers spots her hesitation and comes towards us with a huge smile on her face. “Hello, sweetheart. What’s your name?”

“Maddie,” she tells her, still hiding behind Cal. “Will the goats bite my fingers?”

The woman chuckles. “No, Maddie, don’t worry. They’re really well-behaved.” She demonstrates by petting another goat called Maggie. “You can pet a little goat too. See, your parents are doing it.”

It takes me a fraction of a second to realize that by ‘your parents’ she means us. As in, Cal and I.

Oh, boy.

He stares at me, and I look at him, and the air between us thickens with something I’m too scared to identify. Before neither of us can correct the unaware woman, though, Maddie starts giggling.

“Sammy is not my daddy!” she tells her. “He’s my brother. And Grace is his girlfriend.”

I’m his what?

“Oh.” The poor woman’s cheeks match the shade of the apples we’ve just picked. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“It’s all right,” Cal says with an easy smile. “Us two do look alike, huh?” He winks at Maddie, who isn’t hiding behind him anymore.

“You do,” the woman agrees, visibly more relaxed that we didn’t take her assumption the wrong way. “Which goat do you want to pet, Maddie? I promise they’re all very friendly.”

“Come on, Mads, be brave like a princess,” I encourage her. That seems to do the trick, because a second later she’s carefully approaching Greer and tangling her little hand on its soft fur.

“Well done, peanut.” Cal kisses the side of her head and I melt.

Once she grows tired of the petting zoo, we decide to head to the farm’s restaurant and have a couple of their homemade pizzas for dinner since it’s already late for Maddie. I’m walking ahead of them, texting Aaron back, when I hear Cal tell his sister, “And Grace isn’t my girlfriend, baby.”

“Oh.” I can’t see her face, but her voice sounds disappointed. “Why not?”

It takes him a little longer to answer, a few seconds in which my heart goes insane behind my ribcage.

“Why? Do you want her to be?”

Suddenly my locked phone screen is the most interesting thing in the world. Or that’s what I want Cal to think because I’m totally eavesdropping.

“Yes, I want her to be my big sister!” she exclaims in that excited voice of hers, and breathing comes a little more difficult. I knew Maddie liked me, but not to this extent.

Cal coughs. “Well, Maddie—”

“If you have a wedding and a baby, can it be a girl? Please? Boys are so boring.”

“Mads—”

“Will your baby be my sister?”

“No, peanut. She’ll be your niece and you’ll be her auntie.”

“Yay! I want to be an auntie, Sammy. Pretty please!”

“Maybe one day.”

“One day when? Next week?”

I suppress a laugh and Cal sighs. “That’s not how it works, Maddie. Come on, let’s get our pizzas.”

Since it’s a Sunday and the children visiting the farm have school tomorrow, the restaurant is nearly deserted when we walk in except for some couples and a family of five. Maddie is quick to grab a table next to the big windows overlooking the apple fields. She’s too short to reach the top, so Cal slides a booster seat under her.

“Did you have fun today?” I ask her as we dive into our pizzas. She’s already making a mess of her slice, and all the tomato sauce around her mouth makes her look even more adorable than usual.

“Best day ever.” She nods eagerly. “Sammy, can I skip school tomorrow?”

“Absolutely not, but good try.”

She directs her puppy dog eyes at me. “Grace… Can I?”

I exchange a quick glance with Cal, amusement glinting in his eyes. “Sorry, Maddie. Whatever your brother says, goes.”

“Oh, man.” She pouts.

I grab another slice of roasted garlic chicken pizza. “But we can come here another day. I’m sure they’ll do something special for Christmas.”

Her little face lights up at that. “I love Christmas! Can we go ice skating some day?”

“Sure we can.” I smile while pointedly ignoring Cal’s focus on me. I’m not ready to find out what he’s thinking, and I’ll know with one look at his face. His dark eyes are like bottomless windows, allowing me to see everything he consciously hides.

“You’re super fun,” Maddie tells me with her mouth full. “Do you think you can have a wedding with my brother so you can hang out with me all day?”

Cal chokes on his drink and I struggle not to stagger as I speak. “We can hang out whenever you want, Maddie,” I assure her. Thinking of marrying my best friend is the last thing my sanity needs right now. Nope.

Seemingly satisfied with my answer, she nods and goes back to her pizza. Not even two minutes later, though, she tells me, “I’m nervous for the Christmas recital.”

Cal smooths her auburn hair away from her forehead. “You have no reason to be nervous, kiddo. You’re a princess and a ballerina after all.”

“That’s right. You know all the steps and you’re a great dancer,” I add with what I can only hope is a reassuring smile.

She turns to her brother. “Are you coming to see me?”

“Of course I am, Mads. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Are Mommy and Daddy coming too?”

I see it clear as day, the way Cal’s wide shoulders stiffen and his whole expression morphs into something akin to pain. He’s never talked to me about Maddie’s father, but I can only assume their relationship is almost non-existent. Growing up with two attentive and overly cuddly fathers, I wouldn’t know how it feels to be neglected by your own family, but it doesn’t take a genius to see it can be traumatic.

I know Cal is trying to give his sister as normal of a childhood as he can. The fact that he does it so well makes me fall even harder for him.

“I don’t know, peanut. Maybe they’ll have to work that day. We can ask them later,” is the answer he opts for, although the underlying hurt is still there. Under the table, I poke at his leg with my foot, silently telling him he’s doing his best. The small smile he gives me in return lets me know he got the message.

The rest of our dinner goes smoothly, with Maddie talking non-stop and us prompting her to speak even more. Cal’s eyes light up whenever he looks at his sister, and it’s a sight so beautiful I wish I could engrave it in my mind forever.

When we leave the restaurant, Maddie clings to her brother’s legs and begs to be carried to the car since she’s too tired. Cal is only so happy to oblige and by the time I open the backseat door for them, she’s already fast asleep. To my surprise she doesn’t wake up as he starts the car, nor when he starts speaking to me in a low voice, “Did you have fun today?”

“A lot,” I whisper. “Did you?”

“Yeah.” He holds my hand in his much bigger one and places it over his thigh. My heart isn’t beating anymore. “We barely got to talk, though.”

Hypnotized, I watch how the pad of his thumb caresses my skin. “Maddie might have school tomorrow, but we don’t.”

“Are you inviting yourself over to my place, sunshine?” He smirks.

“Yep.”

He chuckles, a low manly sound that goes straight to my core. “It’s a plan, then.”

A little over twenty minutes later, we arrive at an area of Warlington I’m not familiar with. We pass by a park and a few local shops, but the rest is all rows and rows of one-story houses and bungalows. Eventually Cal stops the car in front of a small home. “This is where I grew up,” he tells me. “Maddie lives here with our mom and her dad.”

I don’t know what to say, so I simply nod. I’ve seen their mother a couple of times when she picked Maddie up from The Dance Palace, but the mental picture I have of her is fuzzy. I remember tan skin and long, dark hair but that’s all.

Shame creeps up on me when I allow myself to admit that I’m not a huge fan of the woman. I’m trying not to be judgmental, I really am, especially since I know she has issues with alcohol and sometimes people are victims of their own circumstances. But then I remember how she’s treating Maddie and the stress she’s putting Cal through, and my blood boils.

“She’s still asleep. I’m gonna drop her off real quick. You can stay in the car,” he tells me, and I nod again.

Maddie barely stirs as Cal picks her up and disappears through the front door, allowing me to take a moment to breathe.

When he comes back, we’re going to his apartment, and we are going to talk… or maybe not.

I want to kiss him so badly it’s not even funny at this point, but I can’t tell if we’re on the same page. Maybe all he wants is to tell me how we’re better off as friends, so I shouldn’t get my hopes up. But I do anyway.

Because a moment later he comes out of the house as the night descends over our heads. I watch as he strolls towards the car, all big and tall and tattooed and masculine, and my body tingles. He’s all I’ve ever wanted—a friend, a lover, a partner for life. He’s right in front of me, and I can’t have him.

“My place, then?” he asks as he sits behind the wheel and closes the door behind him.

I can’t tear my gaze off him. His dark, soft hair. His strong tattooed neck and that sharp jaw. Those kind eyes and plush lips that are begging to be kissed. He’s so damn perfect in every single way it physically pains me not being able to be with him the way I want to.

“Grace?”

“Huh?”

His chuckle is the hottest sound I’ve ever heard. “Are you listening to me?”

I shake my head. “Not really.”

That sound again. “Why not?”

My gaze moves to his lips on its own accord, and he notices. Breath hitching, I look back up to his eyes but it’s too late.

“You want to kiss me?” he teases in that low voice that drives me insane. And I nod because I might be a bit of a coward but I’m no liar. “Come here.”

His hand cups the entire side of my face as our lips touch, gentle as a feather, before he pulls away again. I almost whimper at the loss of his touch.

I don’t know what this means.

Did he change his mind? Is he ready for more?

His nose brushes against mine as he whispers, “Let’s go home and I’ll take care of you.”