The Alpha's Mutt

I was sitting in my tent replaying the moments with Farris in my head over and over again. I did not want to focus on our relationship, that was not what I deemed important at the moment. However, I could not stop myself from analyzing everything that I had learned. This whole time I had thought that he had been the one at fault, while the truth of the matter was that other wolves committed treason, forcing me from the pack without the Alpha’s consent.

Did this mean that I had no reason to be upset with Farris? Of course not. He had still allowed for me to be treated poorly by his pack for several years. He could have stopped my torment the moment that he became the Alpha, but he had not done so. Though how much of that could I hold against him? Was it not, somewhat, cultural that he treated me badly? He had been raised to believe the way that he had. Was it not better to let the past be exactly what it is, the past?

Yet every time that I tried to convince myself to let go, I would remember the loneliness of being “the mutt.” How much pain that it had caused me. How deeply it had affected my sense of self. Shaped who I had become. Though, I could not help but admit that I was rather proud of who I had managed to turn out to be in the end.

Despite everything that this pack had done to me. I had come out of it stronger on the other side. My wolf may not have been normal, as theirs was. But that did not make me a lesser being. I had risen to become a proud Alpha of a pack that many thought unruly. I had the wisdom and ability to do anything that I set my mind to. Would I have been who I was, if it had not been for what I had gone through? Would Selene still have chosen me to save wolf-kind if I did not have compassion that I carried from my experiences?

There was a part, deep inside of me, that reminded me that we are who we are because of the lives that we lead. I would not be me, if I had not been forced to live through hell and come out the other side.

Did that mean that I should forgive the Elwood Pack? Or Alpha Farris, for that matter? I was not sure. It was hard to be the better person, even when I knew that it was the right thing to do. I had suffered. My suffering had to mean something. I could not give in so easily.

“Alpha?”

“You may enter, Jamari.”

Jamari pushed back the flap of my tent and stepped inside. I expected it to be only her at present, but another head quickly appeared beneath the flap.

“What about me, Alpha? Can I come in?” Alessa questioned with a goofy grin spread across her face.

“Of course, you can.” I chuckled. “And don’t call me, Alpha. It’s Mysti to you, just as it always has been.”

“Well, am I glad to hear that!” Alessa teased, as she took in the interior of my tent. “Uh…you don’t have any chairs?” She asked, as she noted that I was sitting on a pile of straw with a sleeping bag placed over it.

“Sorry…no. I’m afraid that our pack does not live like that.”

“No worries.” Alessa shrugged, as she plopped herself down onto the straw next to me. “I can make it work.”

“I am surprised that Beta Deene is not with you. Isn’t it hard to be apart from your mate?” I queried.

“Not really, anymore.” She laughed. “It is not like we were just mated yesterday. We’ve gotten used to spending time apart when we need to.”

“Oh…yeah…I guess that is true. It is just that the last time that I saw you guys, you were newly mated. It kind of slipped my mind that you’re a couple of years in now.”

“Speaking of mates…what were you and Farris talking about? Didn’t you love all the work that he has put into the cabin for you?”

“Oh…uh…I…” I stammered, not certain how to answer her.

I was not sure that I was really ready to discuss my situation with Farris with anyone at the moment. I was so confused, and my emotions were all over the place. I was not ready to answer anyone’s questions because I, honestly, did not know what I would say.

“So…Jamari, what were you able to find out?” I asked, changing the subject, and ignoring Alessa’s question.

I could hear Alessa chuckling behind me. She clearly had not changed one bit. I was glad about that.

“Not much yet, I’m afraid. A few reports of illness, but that appears to be all. Alpha Farris and Beta Deene are going to attempt to get more information from their allies. We will be briefed as soon as they have anything.”

“What do we know about the illness thus far?”

“It starts out flu-like. The only major symptom reported in the early days was a severe body ache that contributed to fatigue. We will hopefully have more soon.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course.”

I thought that we were done, but I could tell by the look on her face that there was more that she would like to discuss. Her eyes twinkled with mischievousness, an emotion that she did not often display.

“Is there anything else?” I questioned, cocking an eyebrow in her direction.

“So…what is going on with you and Alpha Farris?”

“Seriously, Jamari, you too! Ugh!” I exclaimed as I fell back onto my makeshift bed.

“I’m just curious.” She shrugged. “Selene did tell you that you were meant to rejoin your mate. I was not sure if the pack should be preparing to stay here on a more permanent basis.”

“I don’t know.” I admitted. “I am not sure that I can forgive him. When I’m close to him, I want to. But there is so much bad blood in the past. I just…ugh…I don’t know.”

“Well, if you do decide to stay here, I know that the pack will understand, and they will back your decision. Though, it will take some getting used to as their pack lives so modern, and we do not. But I know that we can make it work. I just do not want you to worry about what the pack will think. We respect your choices, and you will remain our Alpha, no matter what. You need to do what you believe is right for you.”

“I appreciate that, Jamari. I really do. I just don’t know if that changes how I feel about Farris. When I am around him, the mate bond screws with my head. When I’m away from him, I remember all of the reasons that we have been apart until now. I try to get past it, but I don’t know if I can. Yes, he fixed up my cabin and he made it beautiful. But how do I know that he has not been using that space to entertain whatever she-wolf comes his way?”

“Well…I can answer that question for you.” Alessa interjected. “He has not even looked at another she-wolf and believe me, they have tried. All he thinks about is you and all he talks about is you. Even though he knew that there was a very slim chance that you would ever come back, he spent all of his free time working on that cabin, so that he could have it ready for you.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” Alessa nodded. “You have no idea how broken up that he was when he realized that you were gone. He was prepared to claim you as his mate and suddenly you were nowhere to be found. He has been wracked with guilt ever since.”

I opened my mouth to say something in response, but Alessa put up her hand to discourage me.

“I am not saying that he does not deserve the punishment that he has received. All that I am saying is…” She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly before continuing. “Farris has been a broken wolf since he lost you. The last two years have been pure torture for him. I get why you think that he deserves anything that he gets. But is it, at all, possible that the last two years were punishment enough?” Alessa argued.

I sighed, not sure how I felt. I had to admit that she made a good point. Farris had looked only a shell of the wolf that I had remembered him being from before. He was thinner and he looked extremely disheveled. I had never seen him as unkempt as I had since I returned.

Had my leaving really been so difficult for him? Did he really need me that badly?

Why did this all have to be so difficult?