Tales of Midbar: Secret Priest

“What art this?” asked Dwendra, pointing at the screen.

“Some sort of media player, looks kind of ad-hoc and I haven’t figured out the details. I’ve no idea what’s happening in this show.”

She got a drink as I was digesting what I’d just been told. I realized Egrindreth was actually helping me by helping Dwendra. The momentousness of this situation started to dawn on me. I was partly responsible for the disappearance of Nuhar Zorg! I was now in a parallel universe and could teleport and travel through time!

“Sixteen?” I asked.

“Yes Zorg nearly dist not marryeth me because I wert too old but unfortunately he changed his mind. I thinketh he had inherited the false prophet’s pedophilia.” She sat beside me, “Many thanks for rescuing me. Your sister told me we art now a thousand years in the future and there art no more Yohoists but there art still Benai Nibeyim. I doth not understandeth how that ist possible.”

“I don’t know much about Yohoism or Benai Nibeyim. I’ve heard Benai Nibeyim are a charitable organization, which a lot of important people belong to. They have a reputation for conspiracies but a lot of people don’t believe that. I’ve never heard anything about them breeding psychics from anybody except you.”

“That truly maketh no sense! Also all the priests wert killed so how mayest I marryeth one?”

“There are lots ... Oh you mean Yohoist priests.”

“Of course. I couldst goeth back in time and marryeth one but then my descendants wilt be killed. One canst not changeth what one knows of, or at least that’s what Egrindreth didst claimeth. I supposeth I couldst goeth back in time, findeth the anav priest I wast meant for to marryeth and bringeth him into the future. Only anavim canst be teleported but we canst taketh a small amount of other material with us.”

“I’m sorry, I’m still getting to grips with the whole girlfriend’s having sex with my school councillor thing, not to mention being responsible for a great historical mystery.”

“What dost thou meaneth?” asked Dwendra, her brow wrinkling.

“Nuhara Zorg is famous for disappearing on his wedding day, along with his wife. This seems a bit of a simplification but that’s the legend. Some people think he was murdered but there are a lot of arguments about who did it.”

“We killed him.”

“It was mainly you.”

“I couldst not hath done it if thou had not distracted him.”

“I’m talking about what people think happened. Some people think his wife killed him. Others think he converted to Winemakerism. The other main theory is he went through a wormhole into the future and will re-appear to lead the Nuharas in the final battle to rid Midbar of non-Nuharas. His disappearance caused Nuhara to split into several sects who disagreed on what had happened and who, if anybody, should succeed him, and they’ve been fighting and killing each other ever since. This probably means we’re responsible for saving a lot of non-Nuharas and slowing the spread of Nuhara.”

“Your sister told me most Benai Nibeyim today art either Trulists or Winemakers. They hath a bad reputation which art mostly true. I findeth this hard to believeth but this ist mostly what Haprihagfen haft toldeth unto her. Most their members art hipsickim but their high ranking members art mostly psychics. They doth still breedeth psychics. As Trulists forbideth psychics for to marryeth each other, they often use something they calleth double marriage. This means two psychics marryeth two hipsickim but in reality the psychics art married unto each other as art the hipsickim. Of course it is now a thousand years since we didst first meeteth.”

She paused as if she expected me to say something so I said, “Well it’s about four hundred years since the Cataclysm began and I knew Zorg disappeared several hundred years before the Cataclysm so that would be about right but I doubt it’s exactly a thousand years.”

“Every five hundred years, the Benai Nibeyim wouldst interbreedeth nibeyim with katcheyim and then interbreedeth the resulting children, who wert mostly hipsickim, likhatzot, to produceth anavim. They should haft doneth that about now, so maybe some of their hipsickim art likhatzot and wouldst hath a one in sixteen chance of baring anavim. That art consistent with something else your sister saideth unto me. There ist an old agreement between Haprihagfen and Benai Nibeyim so they dost not fighteth each other. This says anavim bredeth by Benai Nibeyim canst not be recruited by Haprihagfen. Benai Nibeyim claims to hath bred you and your sister so you belongeth unto them.”

“My parents aren’t Benai Nibeyim!”

“That art also what thou’s sister thinketh. However the Trulists gaveth thou’s sister unto Haprihagfen and Benai Nibeyim seemeth to thinketh thou art more important but your sister doest not knoweth why. Benai Nibeyim hath very few anavim so they probably do not knoweth how to traineth anavim for to teleporteth. They may not knoweth most anavim canst teleport. She doth not knoweth why they wanteth thou to remaineth celibate. She thoughteth they wanted thou to hath children with the katcheyah because her mother art a nibeyah so each child you hath with her wouldst stand a one in two chance of being an anav or anavah. Obviously that doeth not seemeth to be the case. Of course, Yohoists shouldst not engageth in carnal acts other than betwix husbands and their wives.”

“So they’re trying to make me live by their rules but not applying them to anybody else?” I gritted my teeth.

“Egrindreth said thou’s school counselor, who didst defileth your girlfriend ...”

I took a deep breath and clenched my fists.

“... and your girlfriend’s mother art both high ranking Benai Nibeyim. Thou’s school counselor certainly doth not seemeth like one with the high morals I wouldst expecteth of Benai Nibeyim. Lop I art thou’s farmer.”

“What?” I opened my hands again.

“I wilt never turneth unto the dim side. The writing on the screen art Semic.”

I looked at the screen. The cat was brandishing a glowing sword while dangling the long eared creature over a hole.

“Unhandeth me thou varmot!” said Dwendra.

The long-eared creature dropped down the hole, leaving the cat holding a fake hand with what looked like some sort of small display screen on it that kept changing very quickly. The cat saw this, jumped in the air with its limbs and tail sticking out and it’s fur standing up. It’s eyes shot out on stalks, breaking the visor of its helmet. Then the fake hand exploded. Then the picture cut to the long eared creature falling down the hole with a bald idlan in a long, black coat beside him, standing as if he was on the ground but he was clearly falling, speaking with a deep voice in an unrecognizable language.

“How far down the arviv hole dost thou wanteth to goeth?” said Dwendra. “This maketh no sense!”

She proceeded to examine the equipment. It was labelled in Semic. Who reads Semic these days? Well she wasn’t from these days but this equipment wasn’t from her time! She managed to figure out the equipment, found a chip marked “History of the Cataclysm” and started it playing.