Tales of Midbar: Secret Priest

There was a deafening silence.

“Right,” I said, “you’ve been raping girls. You’ve now got your anav priest and Sixteen so I think it’s time to have a re-think!”

“We’ll do that after the election,” said Quandat.

“How are you going to have the election?” I asked. “Just elect your choice of people and have more of the same rubbish? Have an election the way you have been doing them and have a different sort of rubbish or have an election according to your constitution and hopefully go back to what this organization was when it was good?”

“Do we have time for an election?” asked Yoldasia. “We need somebody who isn’t here to take control, at least temporarily.”

“Or the glildac could,” said the hipsick, sarcastically.

A bright light came on at the edge of the chamber. I saw it was Nilha with her wings spread and I saw Vrenloa standing by a door holding a man with his head down and his arms dangling.

“I think you ought to know,” said Vrenloa, “that those hipsick guards were trying to sabotage the psychics’ vehicles so they’d be trapped here and would die of thirst!”

“I knew nothing about that!” said the hipsick on the stage, lying.

“Everybody should have an immediate subordinate who can take over from them,” said Yoldasia, “but do they all know how to?”

“I am the subordinate!” said Buxnir. “Clindar, if I die, you take over as head of the Rendamar priestly chapter, you can go to Rendamar Temple!”

I was shocked.

“Garis,” said Yoldasia, “fornication, Miandri’s my sub ...”

Just then a man on some sort of rope dropped into the middle of the stage, nearly hitting Ice and Yoldasia. The rope sprung up into the blackness above us, leaving a small katchey with scruffy red hair in the middle of the stage.

“She art mad!” screamed Dwendra.

“You’re just handing everything over to some weirdos!” said the hipsick.

There were a lot of grumbles and a few shouts from the lake.

“Have you completely forgotten about me?” asked Narblo, the man who’d just descended by rope onto the stage. “Has anybody asked what happened to me? Does anybody care? You, well your leaders, left me nailed to some bits of wood in the mountains near Minris! They said they’d be back to get me ...”

“We got distracted!” shouted Yoldasia.

“And thanks for the rescue Clindar,” he said very sarcastically, “Clindar’s new girlfriend, Sixteen isn’t it, and Haprihagfen!”

“You said you didn’t ...” I said.

“Didn’t any of you wonder what had happened to me?”

“We were attacked by fornicating monsters!” shouted Yoldasia. “We had other things to worry about!”

“Well I got rescued. As I was up there,” he pointed into the darkness above where two spiral galaxies were colliding,” and heard you bickering, I couldn’t help wondering why you weren’t pretty fornicating awe struck by the people we have here. Perhaps you don’t know or haven’t stopped to think. Gordito,” he pointed to the hipsick, “an accomplish business man. Buxnir, the acting High Priest of Rendamar temple. OK, I guess that’s kind of a cushy job but he must have worked hard to get there and he’s also a mage. Vardnan and Quandat are both really powerful magi who fought well in that battle in Minris that the authorities have tried to write off as a magic accident.”

“I also fought in that battle!” said Buxnir.

“Yoldasia is also a really good mage who fought in that same battle but she’s also rediscovered Old Magic and found a way to combine it with Associate Magic and an anav priest has actually been born on her term as Grand Vine Grower. Here’s Ice, the apostle of the Haprihagfen, only surviving child of the previous Vineyard magis and the grandmother and mentor of the present Vineyard magis. Then we have that anav priest, who I think you should really be a bit more impressed with. And here’s the mythical Sixteen, a Benai Nibeyim anavah Holy Woman who’s come forward in time a thousand years and she’s also Nuhar Zorg’s missing wife ...”

“It wast not consummated!”

“... and then we have the girl with the glowing bird thing. Yet you don’t seem to be able to resolve your disagreements. Well I’ve come back from the dead like Yoho’s defecating avatar! I’m also a school counselor so let’s see how I can help. I think a big part of the problem is that you all have your own agendas, which you’re not willing to give up. Vardnan, Quandat and Yoldasia have most the power and don’t want to give it up although Yoldasia thinks you’re about to die. Gordito wants to put that power in the hands of the hipsickim, well mostly his own hands. Ice wants to have more influence over Benai Nibeyim. Clindar wants to get fornicated and is pissed at us for not letting him. Sixteen ...”

“That’s not ..!” I tried to say but Narblo just kept talking.

“... not sure. I think Buxnir wants his temple back but I’m not sure how he can achieve that here. I think glowy bird girl is with Ice. Well I’ve got news for you people! The Prophesized Ruination’s here and it’s time to stop bickering and get your act in order!”

“We’d figured that much!” said Ice.

“I’m also urinated they raped girls I liked!” I shouted.

“And they tried to rapeth and killeth me!” said Dwendra.

“Which I’m also urinated about!” I shouted.

“So you’ve come back from the dead and you know how to deal with this,” said Yoldasia, cynically.

“Exactly,” said Narblo, “the Prophesized Ruination is three interstellar civilizations competing for this area of space. Fortunately for us, they won’t bother us if we don’t rebuild the starship or find some way to travel between parallel universes. The Mechanism is meant to ensure those things don’t happen and an important part of that is the leadership that will be provided by the avatars. Unfortunately they’ve been killed but I can replace them because I’ve become Yoho’s new avatar. I shall lead you through this crisis and build a new and better Midbar that will have eternal peace and prosperity and will be the shining jewel of the human empire.”

I was now fairly sure he’d gone completely mad and I think everybody else was thinking the same thing but unsure exactly what issue to challenge him on.

“More psychic insanity,” said Gordito.

“He’s insane and happens to be a psychic,” said Yoldasia.

“Really,” said Narblo, “you think I’m insane do you? Well let me resolve your current problem for you. Everybody keeps their job!”

“Gordito just tried to kill all the psychics,” said Yoldasia.

“Ah, good point. You must repent of that!”

“I didn’t know anything about that!” said Gordito, clearly lying.

“You lie!” said Narblo. “Either repent or feel the wrath of Yoho!”

“I’m not repenting because I knew nothing about it and you have no authority ...”

“Feel the wrath!” shouted Narblo pointing at Gordito.

Smoke and flame erupted from the top of Gordito’s head. Then his head exploded and he collapsed.

There were a number of gasps and screams from the crowd.

I’d seen people killed by magic, killed some people with magic myself, knew a number of potentially deadly spells I’d never used or had only used non-fatal versions of, and none of them looked like that! Without looking up, I visioned the shaft above us, remembering it hadn’t fitted the plan earlier. Yes there was a machine in it, about the right shape for some sort of beam weapon. There were also some creatures. I think one was an ancient but I wasn’t sure of the others. My blood ran cold and I realized Narblo had made an alliance with the Mysterious Monsters.

“So who wants to be the new Grand Merchant!” shouted Narblo to the crowd. “Really should be a hipsick or hipsickah.”

The chamber got a bit darker and I felt a dematerialization from where Vrenloa had been. However, there was now a fairly close up view of a star projected on the wall, I wasn’t really paying attention to this, so it was still brighter than it had been. I knew Vrenloa wouldn’t just run away, this was a strategic withdrawal and she’d come back to fight. The question was how could I help her?