Tales of Midbar: Secret Priest

“I’ve told you we’re not willing to discuss Old Magic without my wife,” said Garris.

“Can we have calm?” asked Jeldini. “I think we’re all aware of the religious disagreements between Trulists and Winemakers. Where are we in this discussion? As far as I can tell we’ve acknowledged Attan provided my client with Clindar’s semen ...”

“No!” I said. “He provided her with his semen, but he has the same blood type as me.”

“Is this relevant?” asked Jeldini.

“It is to me!” I said.

“And me,” said Dwendra. “It ist probably also significant unto Benai Nibeyim as the child and their descendants art more likely to be psychic if Clindar art the father.”

“Psychics and hipsickim produce hipsickim!” said Zonlaria.

“Not necessarily!” I said. “If the hipsick parent carries psychic alleles, the child could be psychic.”

Zonlaria clearly wasn’t happy to hear that.

“Anyway,” said Jeldini, “this doesn’t change your family’s responsibility here.”

“Is that Attan’s baby?” I asked.

Zonlaria stared at me as if it was device class and I’d just asked her the company that built the diode matrix. “I was unconscious.”

She was clearly trying to deceive although her words were literally true.

“You were unconscious when the insemination took place?” I asked.

“Yes,” she lied.

“Stop using mind reading on my client!” said Jeldini.

“I’ve established she was conscious when she was inseminated,” I said, “therefore she should ...”

“Stop this line of investigation!” said Jeldini.

“Did you use Attan’s semen?” I asked.

“Yes,” she lied.

“Well,” I said, standing up, “I’ve established that neither myself nor Attan are the father of the baby so this doesn’t have anything to do with my family except the fraud, I think rape by proxy ...”

“Attempted actual rape and interference in religious observance,” said Dwendra also getting up, “as Ildias tried to seduceth me whilest I wert under the effects of the sex craze spell.”

“We should really report that to the police,” I said, putting my arm round Dwendra’s shoulder and turning her toward the door.”

“Feces!” said Dad.

“Do you really want everybody to learn the truth about your family?” asked Gintena.

“Can I leave too?” asked Attan.

“Just a minute!” said Dad. “You can’t er, just decontaminate your responsibility in this.”

“What responsibility?” I asked. “She got pregnant by whoever and tried to make us pay her child support!”

“Er, boys,” said Dad, “can we have a word in private?”

“What’s this about?” asked Mum.

“I’ve got other things to do,” I said.

“This is important,” said Dad. “I’ll explain later Anden. What do you have to do? Get married to somebody else you’re forbidden to have sex with?”

“Actually I took a quick trip to Hecrin and officially converted to Winemakerism.”

“What!” exclaimed Dad.

“How did you find the time?” asked Attan.

“You always said gods were just symbolic anyway,” I said.

“We can argue about that later but this is urgent!” said Dad.

He ushered Attan and myself out into the corridor and a few meters from the door.

“You’re an anav and you married an anavah!” said Attan.

“You’re not supposed to go round telling people what korbar people are!” I said.

“That’s like totally mega compared to anything I’ve ever done!” said Attan.

“I did ...”

“Can we deal with the problem at hand?” said Dad. “You know how I teach that morals are just symbolic? Well I do practice what I preach and I might have had sex with Zonlaria.”

“What?” said Attan.

“Might have?” I asked.

“Well she was really upset that you’d abandoned her and Screld rushed off to find you and she kept hugging me and crying and not wearing much.”

“What!” said Attan.

“This really is a lot worse than anything I’ve ever done,” I said.

“I’m blood type negative so a blood type test won’t show my semen. I didn’t know she’d got semen from you,” he pointed at Attan, “and was going to claim you’d,” he pointed at me, “got her pregnant. The point is I have a reputation to protect and you boys ...”

“I’m trying to repair a reputation that Benai Nibeyim ruined with help form Mum!” I said.

“I’ve got a girlfriend,” said Attan. “Well sort of. And she isn’t an insane, religious weirdo anavah who think’s she’s Nuhar Zorg’s wife!”

“If I had sex with Zonlaria before marrying Dwendra, well it might be a legal issue in the legitimacy of my marriage.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” asked Attan. “If she’s married to Nuhar Zorg, how can she marry you?”

“That marriage wasn’t consummated and he’s dead!”

“Teenagers being teenagers looks a lot better than a pillar of the community committing adultery with a teenage girl!” said Dad.

“She’s twenty,” I said, “we checked her records.”

“That’s not a lot better!” said Dad. “Remember my secretary had been killed recently and I was under a lot of stress with Clindar’s legal mess...”

“Which Mum and Benai Nibeyim are largely responsible for!” I said.

“... and I just came over extremely randy!”

“Sure it wasn’t a sex craze spell?” asked Attan.

“Possibly,” said Dad.

“Can we legally blame Screld for this?” I asked.

“Anyway,” said Dad, “look, I’m married ...”

“So am I,” I said.

“... and a respected rabbi.”

“Acolyte.”

“When did you become an acolyte?” asked Dad.

“Recently.”

“You’ve become a Winemaker!” said Attan.

“They have acolytes! I am supposed to be priest by hereditary right! And I’m going to teach that we should follow Winemaker scripture!”

“Does being the son of a rabbi make you a priest ..?” asked Attan.

“This isn’t relevant!” said Dad. “One of us has to take the fall for this and it will be most damaging for me to.”

“It could be pretty damaging for me as well,” I said.

“Just a minute!” said Attan. “I’m the normal one! I’m not admitting to this because you’re too wrapped up in your weird religious stuff.”

“There’s also the issue of the kid having some genes that don’t make sense for us,” I said. “Assuming she really did ...”

“Yes,” said Dad. “I read her mind.”

“What!” screamed Attan. “I’m fornicating sick of this! What the fornication do you think it’s been like for me being the brother of the weird boy and the Temple Prostitute only now I’m the fornicating brother of the weird, anav, Winemaker acolyte who married the insane anavah who thinks she’s Nuhar Zorg’s wife and the son of the adulterous, mind reading rabbi, oh and my sister’s a Haprihagfen! I’m fornicating leaving!” He turned and started marching determinedly down the corridor. “I’m fornicating sick of this fornicating family! I’m going to live with Preldin, she’s normal! No! If I leave now, you’ll fornicating blame me for getting Zonlaria pregnant!” He turned round and marched back towards the door of the meeting room.

Just then the door swung open and Ice and Dwendra marched out.

“Garis is using a personal computer to contact Yoldasia!” said Ice. “We’ve got to go!”

I started walking with them, realizing the significance of this.

“Where the fornication are you going?” asked Dad.

“We’ll be back soon!” I said.