Tales of Midbar: Secret Priest

“Attan!” I said standing up. “You’ve got gimmel blood! Did you fornicate Zonlaria?”

He smiled evilly. “She isn’t very good looking but she’s a total nympho and not a mad weirdo! I fornicated her before you so I guess I also lost my virginity before you and I’m ...”

“It’s not my feces it’s his!” I said.

“I don’t fornicating believe this!” said Dad, standing up and coming towards the doorway, where Attan was still standing.

“What?” said Attan.

“I don’t suppose it matters as far as the family’s concerned,” said Dad.

“It matters to me!” I said. “It matters to Dwendra!”

“Did you use a contraceptive artifact?” asked Dad.

“Not exactly,” said Attan.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Dad.

“Well we didn’t exactly have sex. She used her hands and let me fondle her boobs while she was doing it.”

“Did she use some sort of container?” asked Dad.

“No, she used a pair of panties.”

“You realize all she had to do was put some of it inside her and use a fertility artifact?” asked Dad.

“That’s not what she was going to do.”

“Explain,” demanded Dad, “and this had better be fornicating good!”

“Well it was Mum’s idea.”

“What?” Dad asked, spinning round to look at Mum.

“She wanted Clindar to date a normal girl,” said Attan, “so he’d know she was better than Dwendra. She found Zonlaria from a matchmaking agency, I think for desperate losers or something.”

“It was a matchmakers that specializes in pairing hipsickim with psychics!” said Mum. “And you’ve gone to them before!”

“They weren’t very helpful,” said Dad.

“I had to sweet talk them a bit!” said Mum.

“Zonlaria and her Mum didn’t think Zonlaria would have time to impress him,” said Attan, “unless she fornicated him but Mum didn’t know about that. In case Clindar fornicated that up, she wanted panties stained with semen from somebody with gimmel blood to make it look as if he had.”

“Why?” asked Dad.

“It was the back up plan.”

“How was that supposed to work?” asked Dad.

“I don’t know. She showed me her fornicating boobs and let me touch them!”

“It didn’t bother you that this plan made no sense?” asked Dad.

“I didn’t think it mattered as Screld was going to use the sex craze spell on Clindar.”

“What?” asked Dad.

“It’s an Old Magic ...”

“I know what it is!” Dad said, turning to me. “Clindar?”

“That’s why I had to teleport instead of just running,” I said.

“What?” asked Attan.

“How did you break ..?” Dad started to ask. “Oh no! Are we going to be getting another paternity suit?”

“No,” I said.

“Sure?” asked Dad.

I knew Dwendra was equipped with fertility control, like most female magi, but I didn’t know what setting it had been on. However, I wouldn’t be legally fighting any claim she made that I’d got her pregnant. “Yes I’m sure. At least not from anybody I’ve really had sex with.”

“You’ve had sex?” asked Attan.

“If Screld really put a sex craze spell on him he must have done,” said Dad. “I’m guessing Dwendra’s no longer a virgin?”

“Screld also put a sex craze spell on her,” I said, “and Ildias was trying to seduce her by saying he was a Yohoist priest and had a psychic message that he’d marry Nuhar Zorg’s wife. How the fornication did he know about that, Attan?”

“Mum told us,” said Attan. “That is a totally fornicating wild delusion, perhaps somebody should tell her Nuhar Zorg was a Nuhara and perhaps Screld should drag Dwendra back to Drintac, to the mental home.”

“Mum!” I said. “You know that was a secret about Dwendra being Nuhar Zorg’s bride!”

“It wasn’t supposed to go like that!” screamed Mum. “Clindar was just supposed to realize Zonlaria was better than Dwendra! She is, isn’t she?”

“No!” I said.

“Well clearly Zolnaria had her own agenda!” said Dad. He pointed at Attan, “And you were too stupid to spot it and,” he pointed at me, “you ... couldn’t teleport to another town and find some silly girl who didn’t know who you were!”

“Dad!” I said. “I’m disgusted you’d suggest such a thing! That wouldn’t have broken the sex craze spell on Dwendra and surely it’s better to fornicate a girl who’s in love with me than, what, rape somebody?”

“And Screld really fornicated up mightily!” said Dad. “I suppose he’s going to get back really late again. Now I still don’t know how to minimize the damage from this sacred abortion!”

“Dwendra did a DNA test on me once,” I said.

Dad gave me a strange look.

“She wanted to make sure I really was a male line descendant of a Yohoist priest,” I said.

“Is this relevant?” asked Dad.

“She knows a way to get one done cheaply and quickly. That may help.”

“Does she even know what DNA is?” asked Attan.

“Do you?” I asked.

“Will this DNA test stand up in a court of law?” asked Dad.

“I don’t know but it would give us an idea what’s really going on. Well I don’t suppose it would tell us who fathered the baby and it seems to be Attan’s DNA on the panties. I think we need some help here as this probably has something to do with Benai Nibeyim.”

“I thought they wanted you to marry a virgin psychic,” said Dad.

I realized that objective had been achieved but I wanted to down play that. I really didn’t want Benai Nibeyim knowing what was happening in that department. “This probably has something to do with Benai Nibeyim and I really think some of my friends can help. I’ll be back very quickly!”